To tell her to stop?

[CupidNeedsANewJob]

This year will be my daughter's first Christmas.
Single mum, her dad doesn't really pay anything, just little gifts here and there.
After finding out I was pregnant I took on 2 jobs and worked til a week before I have birth to save as much money as possible to be able to comfortably afford anything my baby needed during the first year, because I wasn't able to get maternity pay from my jobs as I hadn't work there long enough (i have but I work away for the summer so technically I have to leave and be rehired every year when I return, my boss is ok with this)
Anyway my mum, is great. Very helpful with DD who is 5 months, allowed me to live with her so that she can help out as the father isn't around (lives in another country) we have been arguing alot recently so that's why I don't know how to approach this.
She is constantly buying Christmas gifts for DD, now I'm so grateful for this so don't get me wrong, but I wanted to be the one who buys most this for my DD. I want to spoil her I worked hard so I could do that. Obviously she can buy her gifts and it's a great help but

1. She will be 8 months and there only so many things you can buy without wasting money as they obviously won't play with everything if you buy too much
2. Everytime I say oh I'm going to get this or that for her Christmas she will say "oh I'll get it" or just go ahead and get it anyway even when I say no.
3. I've already spoke to her about it, and said I really appreciate the help but I would really like to buy her the majority of her gifts. But she doesn't seem to listen?

What can I do, it's making me feel put out, and pushed a side. AIBU to feel like that? Should I just go ahead and let her buy what she wants cos I'm being ungrateful? My brother has a baby too who is 4 months older than mine and him and his partner really struggle with money so I know they will need alot of help, they always do. So I don't know if it's a case of she just wants to spend on each grandchild equally. I don't know I'm just in a bad place at the moment and everything is gettin on top of me and I don't know if I'm just over reacting to everything.

Also part of me doesn't want her doing too much as my brother already gets on at me saying I have it easy because I live with my mum so get more help than them, so I'm reluctant to accept alot of help over fears of being made to feel guilty by my brother. Although in my defence, they are 2 people with 2 incomes, I am 1 person, so even with the help of my mum it means that we are in the same position. If you understand.

Sorry for going on.

You are very lucky to have such a lovely mother who supports you and your dd, and if she is also getting over enthusiastic about christmas then who can blame her? It is special for her as well.

It is a sign of a deeper problem that perhaps you just feel a little stifled by your living arrangements and it may be time to start looking for somewhere of your own? Once you are past the new born stage and everything gets easier it is only natural to want to do things your own way.

Let your mother buy your child whatever she wants, be grateful for the bond they share and for the help she has given you and plan to use the money to save up for a home of your own. You are at least three years or longer away from your child even understanding christmas and where everything comes from.

Once you have your independence you will view your mother's kindness in a more positive way.

As gently as possible, I agree with PPs. Be grateful your mother is so helpful and providing these gifts so you can put the money you would have spent on them away for your daughter's future - a much more enduring gift you will be able to give her. Or, as PPs suggest, use it to work on moving out.

Buy your daughter something special they will keep for a long time. Doesn't need to be expensive.
A friend of mine got a Christmas bauble with the year on it. She gets a new one every year. She'll give the set to her DC when they get their own home. A priceless box of Christmas memories.
If you do this, don't tell your DM. Just add the bauble every year but keeping the long term plan inside.

Presents really mean nothing to a baby. There are so many more important and lasting things that you will give her as a loving mum. She won't even know who gave them to her. Save that money you worked so hard for - there will be many things you will need over the coming years.

Let her get on with it.open a bank account and save the money she saves you spending.you won't always live with her,money may be tight in the future,she Is saving you money ,don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

When my first child was born I felt the same way. 3 years in I’ve lightened up a lot!
Why don’t you suggest your mum put money towards big ticket items that can be played with both your child and your brother’s child when visiting such as a sand pit, trampoline, swing set, painting easel. That way they are big items that will stay at Grandma’s house and aren’t for your child specifically. You can then spoil your child however you like and when you move out the kids will have great things to play with when visiting grandma

It is lovely that your mum wants to buy your DD presents. A lot of grandparents go over the top at Xmas and birthdays, buying things i.e. bikes etc that parents want to give the DC themselves, you see it on here a lot.

Be pleased, save some money. First Christmas she will not care or remember. Neither will anyone else. You are not going to go around saying see that fluffy bunny DD loves, I bought her that. No one let alone your DD will know or care who bought what for her.

Now start some Xmas traditions for your daughter on your own. I take my DS (21) and DD (13) to buy a new Xmas decoration for the tree each year. We go and have cake and buy a new decoration, sadly the DC have made this a competition to find the most hideous decoration for the tree they can! So far the poodle in a sparkly plastic high heel and the tartan pillow with a pine cone hedgehog are in joint first place, although the pink flamingo with real feathers is a close contender for the top spot. We know have a real laugh every year getting last years decorations out.

OP - I totally get where you are coming from. You feel that your mum is taking the role of 'mother-provider' to your child. I had the same - my MIL spent obscene amounts on my dc, clothes, toys, furniture, everything even though we didn't ask for or want it. I took my PFB to a Xmas do age 1yo and realised that he was top-to-toe, skin-up in clothes that she had bought him. Not a thing he was wearing was what I'd chosen for my own child! DH talked to her and she stopped for a bit - now we have 3 and they are older, (and more expensive) she has reined it in a bit, but still brings a whole mega-carrier-bag each for xmas/birthdays etc.

Those saying 'you should be grateful' and 'you are so lucky' should be ashamed of yourselves. You would not allow someone else to push into your role as mother to your own child, so Op shouldn't feel 'grateful' that her DM is doing exactly that.

We go and have cake and buy a new decoration, sadly the DC have made this a competition to find the most hideous decoration for the tree they can! - this is lovely and sounds so much fun

OP, enjoy Christmas with your daughter and your family. DD won't remember or care about presents. Your mum is doing her best and trying to keep everybody happy. Now is the time to save your money for times to come

Oh my god I’m totally stealing the hideous Christmas decoration tradition when I have DC

@Tinty this is a good idea, I like it.
I had little traditions while growing up, my dad loved Christmas but he passed away, he used to dress up as Santa and my mum would come wake me and my brothers to go watch him thinking it was the real Santa. My mum would always say my dad was still sleeping and would be moody if we woke him, but obviously he was Santa lol. I have idea that I would like to start, I've made a Christmas eve box and I am making a Christmas stocking for her so we can start those although she won't understand it for a couple of years I would like the memories to start now.
@blondebakingmumma I'm glad someone understands a little. At the moment I just feel like this but it will probably fade and I won't be bothered about it. I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment as alot had happened out of my control and I feel like this was something I had control of, being my daughter. But I guess I am being unreasonable

Thank you @ciderhouserules

Those saying 'you should be grateful' and 'you are so lucky' should be ashamed of yourselves. You would not allow someone else to push into your role as mother to your own child, so Op shouldn't feel 'grateful' that her DM is doing exactly that.

I'm not ashamed of myself at all, I stand by the fact that OP should be providing a roof over her daughters head and not getting into present wars! OP should be eternally grateful that het DM is providing that instead of the child's own mother! If this was a stray father saying I want to not provide for my child (as the father actually is) and just buy presents to show I care then everyone would say "put a roof over the child's head to show you care".

The baby won't know who bought what for her, and she won't remember. Let your DM get on with it, while you save your money for more important things.

@CupidNeedsANewJob good to see you only acknowledge the posters that agree with you!

Op AIBU

Majority of MN yes

OP I'll ignore everyone that disagrees with me!!

Oh and I pay my mother rent.
It may be cheaper than renting a house, but that's because only one room is mine.
So therefore I am providing a roof over y2k daughters head. @charlie97
My mum offered me to stay here as she had the spare room and I was alone with a child. I am eternally grateful for this. But it's the same principle as renting a house, I'm still paying rent.

It’s not quite the same principle as independently renting somewhere for you and your daughter, OP.

Presumably your mum is on hand to help with bsbycare a lot, too.

If you're paying market rent, then move out and pay it for your own place! Your other posts also say your mother will be providing the childcare when you go back to work! Your mother sounds like an angel! Lots of people do not have it so easy!

The baby won't know who bought what for her, and she won't remember. - no she won't remember. So regardless of who bought what, they should both rein it in. Or ask your mother to put into a savings account.

The first priority is a roof over your heads. Not carrier bags full of presents. My MIL used to buy so much tat (mainly in Airport shops) to shower over my kids at xmas. So much waste. My DH never had a problem affording the roof over our heads, but still wanted MIL to fucking pull back a bit/lot.

I think it's you that's BU here. You want all the help your mum can give but you don't want to share the nice part like gift giving. You can't have it both ways - just expect your mum to pitch in on the hard slog.

Use the money towards getting your own place.

Charlie97. As I suspected. Jealousy. Lime I said I've never said I was ungrateful for what my mother does.
I just wanted to buy these specific gifts. One of them being a bracelet personalised for her and she can keep for years to come because it can be adjusted.
Yes my mother is an angel.and I'm sorry for those who haven't been as fortunate. So what I don't pay ad much rent as others, there are people who don't pay rent at all and have their own place too.

Yes yabu and completely ridiculous. What a fuss over nothing

She’ll be eight months....she doesn’t want to wear a bloody bracelet

Stop telling her what gifts you're planning to get for child, start telling her instead about all the luxury items you'd love to buy for yourself...smellies, bathrobe, etc etc...

You do sound quite young OP.

As with others, I agree that you need to put your hard earned money into saving for a place of your own and not wasting it on presents that your mum is happy to buy.