To tell her to stop?

[CupidNeedsANewJob]

This year will be my daughter's first Christmas.
Single mum, her dad doesn't really pay anything, just little gifts here and there.
After finding out I was pregnant I took on 2 jobs and worked til a week before I have birth to save as much money as possible to be able to comfortably afford anything my baby needed during the first year, because I wasn't able to get maternity pay from my jobs as I hadn't work there long enough (i have but I work away for the summer so technically I have to leave and be rehired every year when I return, my boss is ok with this)
Anyway my mum, is great. Very helpful with DD who is 5 months, allowed me to live with her so that she can help out as the father isn't around (lives in another country) we have been arguing alot recently so that's why I don't know how to approach this.
She is constantly buying Christmas gifts for DD, now I'm so grateful for this so don't get me wrong, but I wanted to be the one who buys most this for my DD. I want to spoil her I worked hard so I could do that. Obviously she can buy her gifts and it's a great help but

1. She will be 8 months and there only so many things you can buy without wasting money as they obviously won't play with everything if you buy too much
   
2. Everytime I say oh I'm going to get this or that for her Christmas she will say "oh I'll get it" or just go ahead and get it anyway even when I say no.
   
3. I've already spoke to her about it, and said I really appreciate the help but I would really like to buy her the majority of her gifts. But she doesn't seem to listen?
   

What can I do, it's making me feel put out, and pushed a side. AIBU to feel like that?
Should I just go ahead and let her buy what she wants cos I'm being ungrateful?
My brother has a baby too who is 4 months older than mine and him and his partner really struggle with money so I know they will need alot of help, they always do. So I don't know if it's a case of she just wants to spend on each grandchild equally.
I don't know I'm just in a bad place at the moment and everything is gettin on top of me and I don't know if I'm just over reacting to everything.


Also part of me doesn't want her doing too much as my brother already gets on at me saying I have it easy because I live with my mum so get more help than them, so I'm reluctant to accept alot of help over fears of being made to feel guilty by my brother. Although in my defence, they are 2 people with 2 incomes, I am 1 person, so even with the help of my mum it means that we are in the same position. If you understand.

Sorry for going on.

[QueenOfMyWorld]

I think you're cutting your nose off to spite your face,just let her get on with it at this age,when your dd is older get her to reign it in if you need to

[MatildaTheCat]

I get you but assuming you have a good relationship with your Mum just have an adult conversation.

‘Mum, I am going to buy x, y and z for DD for Christmas. If you need any ideas for your gifts let me know. I don’t want her to have too much stuff so just a few bits please.’

At this age also consider the year ahead. By next summer she will enjoy some garden toys so perhaps your DM could contribute or buy some of that sort of thing. Much more of an investment than a toy they are fed up with by Boxing Day.

If she refuses to listen you do have a boundaries problem and it will get worse going forward.

[Charlie97]

@CupidNeedsANewJob not jealous at all! Jealous of a single mother, living at home with their mother and with their child???

Sorry I like having my own place and independence, to me it would not be normal to live with my mother. I had a great relationship with my mother but I certainly didn't want to raise my family in her home. That was for me and OH to do in our home!

You sound about 12 years old! Grow up, parenting is not about fucking bracelets!

[jarhead123]

OP you're having a laugh if you think @Charlie97 is jealous!

[Chiffon]

I get this. I wanted to be the one doing Santa and would have appreciated the help in other financial areas, but my mother wanted to be Santa again. My mother is an absolute bitch though and we are NC.

[Sparklyfee]

You don't have to say you're ungrateful to be ungrateful! Your mum is supporting you and your child yet here you are moaning because she's saved you yet more money that you don't have to be frittering on presents

I don't think anyone here is jealous of your situation!

[RedSkyLastNight]

We didn't buy DS anything for his first Christmas.
We still had the pleasure of seeing his reaction (pretty minimal tbh) to the presents that others had bought him, and we saved our money for more important things.

If you want to buy a specific gift for your child and you know your mum has form for jumping in, then why mention it to her? The gifts are for you, not her - she may hate the personalised bracelet she can wear for years to come.

Agree with others that your priority should be standing on your own two feet and not relying on your mother so much.

[Charlie97]

@jarhead123 laughable comment isn't it!

[Celebelly]

She won't have any idea who the presents are from or care. Definitely use the opportunity to save your money and improve your financial situation. Your mum is actually doing you a massive favour here. Your daughter isn't going to know who bought the presents or paid for them, and the real enjoyment should not be giving her the gifts but seeing her playing with them and enjoying herself.

For my niece's first Christmas, her favourite gift was a bottle of shampoo I'd bought as an add-on to her main gift. Everything else was abandoned and she just kept opening the shampoo bottle and sniffing! Why don't you make her a stocking or something that you can open together?

[Bambamber]

Your child won't know or care who the presents come from. In fact my daughter has so many this year that we've bought in the sales throughout the year, when other people ask what to get her we just offer a present we have already got and they will wrap it in their own paper and say it's from them. Present buying isn't providing for your child

[FruitofAutumn]

I was spilt and so were my brothers and neither one of us are ungrateful nor do we act spoilt.


oh the irony!

[Seaweed42]

I know exactly how you feel. It was my mother in law that would keeping doing this. We wanted to buy the main Santa Claus present. I bought my little girl a baby doll. A lovely simple little baby doll with a soft tummy. I told MIL what I'd got.
The following week MIL told us she had bought a super duper walking talking feeding pooping top of the range baby doll. I was so upset over it and put in such an awkward position. DH had to ask her to return it to the shop.
Your mother is thinking she is as entitled as you are to make decisions about your child. She's not. The boundaries are unclear to her but she can't really see herself doing anything wrong. You must start enforcing the boundaries. As the baby is very young they won't notice the presents anyway or who they are from.
However, you have to handle it sensitively. Sit your mother down and explain how you feel. Tell your mother that you are her the baby's mother.
Keep repeating 'I really really appreciate every way you have helped me. However, I am her Mother. So I want to pay for and provide her main Santa Claus presents. You get her the Granny present from Granny. This really means a lot to me. Can you allow me the space to do that?'.

[TotHappy]

What a lot of bitchy comments! You sound very reasonable to me op and I would feel the same. You want to be able to do special things for your daughter that you think will make her happy. Your mum did those things for you, now it's your turn.
I don't understand all these comments about ingratitude
If your mum's helping you so she can raise your baby her way, it's not really help. It's control.

[Beaverhausen]

OP totally understand where you are coming from but take it from someone who was a single mom with absolutely no support from anyone.

Talk to your mom and ask her if in future the two of you can do present shopping together. Trust me talking things through is a lot better than alienating a parent who is only trying to do the best for her daughter who is struggling and her grandchild.

I doubt your mom is doing it maliciously, personally I would be grateful I really struggled financially the first 2 years of my daughters life and we did not have a first Xmas or birthday as I just did not have the money.

[Ellisandra]

Sounds like your mum is trying to take the financial pressure off you with the gifts, rather than actively trying to take over, or steal your ideas. So yes the easy answer is to explain to her why you don’t want her to - or, keep quiet about your ideas.

Could be that if you unpack your feelings a bit, it’s coming more as a symptom of the overall situation. This isn’t where you expected to be - relying on your mum for help with housing (yes you pay rent but I’m sure it’s less than your own place would be) - and without a full time contributing partner.

When you said your brother will make you feel guilty... he can’t. You choose to feel guilty.

Cut yourself some slack.
As a mum, I’d bloody love the opportunity to live with my daughter and granddaughter. Obviously I’d like that to be her preference rather than circumstances! But - in your circumstances, as a mum I’d selfishly see it as a beneficial side effect!

Your mum loves you, she loves your daughter. Enjoy her hospitality, and enjoy her wanting to help with Xmas. Don’t feel guilty - she’s acting with love, you don’t need to.

She’s just got a bit over helpful with Xmas, is all. Allow yourself to accept her love without guilt - and keep one present idea to yourself

(and sod your brother!)

[rosealltheway]

Your mum sounds amazing. My own mum is unbelievable with our DC's- without her support/help/love/time we would have found having a family so much more stressful. The few times she might do something that annoys me i.e. repeats advice re the kids that I already know/do/act on and I feel like biting back, I dont.allow myself as would hate her to ever feel we are ungrateful.

You should thank your lucky stars she is around and clearly adores your DD as much as she does. DD will have no idea until shes at least 18 months/2 who on earth bought her which gift, so be happy your mum is saving you the cost/hassle of buying her toys and just save that money for some experiences you and DD can do together.

[Cornettoninja]

Well I’m old and my mother died decades before my dd was born and I don’t think yabcompletelyu. There’s something quite emotional about certain things especially things you’ve envisoned doing yourself.

That being said, your mum is not actually doing anything wrong apart from getting over excited. You are lucky in that respect and I don’t think you are missing that at all. Doesn’t mean you can’t feel miffed.

Practically putting the money aside is a good option, it’ll be useful for when your dd has a concept of wanting certain gifts, or alternatively maybe channel it into a nicer gift for your mum herself as a show of thanks for her support (and yes, don’t tell her your gift plans anymore).

One of my dp’s friends made my daughter a cake on her first birthday. I was very even though she was a very challenging baby who never gave me a second and I’d just gone back to work so wasn’t even going to attempt doing more than buying one. It just felt like a line had been crossed, especially since there was no attempt to check with me first. Factually it was a lovely gesture but that’s not how it felt.

[Kewcumber]

I have no idea why so many people are being so unempathetic.

I too am a single parent and before she died my mum was very involved in our lives. She did some childcare for me and bought DS ridiculous amounts of presents and plied him with chocolate and trips out.

Whilst I was grateful for her support, and I loved her dearly and she is a huge loss to us, I would not be human if I did not regret that so many of my DS's most excited moments were because my mum always bought him what he wanted and spent more money than I. Because I'm human and yes whilst it is about DS and I'm happy that he was happy, I don't have to be happy about my role being reduced to the dull person who provides the food on the table but not the exciting stuff.

It's a constant juggling act when you are entwined with your mother as part of your core family, trying to keep everyone happy and you being left out of the equation.

In the end I had an honest talk with her about how sidelined I felt which helped enormously and though we went through bumpy phases again it was much more moderate.

Speak to her.

ANd for all those who think you are freeloading, the pendulum swung the other way for us and as my mum got older we took her away on holiday with us because she couldn't manage on her own. Almost every single holiday. I wonder how many people on here who must think I was so very fortunate to have my mother's help and monetary support would consider taking their own mother or MIL on holiday and never have a holiday on your own. And when she got ill we managed to keep her at home and looked after her ourselves. It isn't about gratitude it's about mutual support, sometimes you need it and sometimes you provide it.

Talk to your mother.

Good luck.

[HeebieJeebies456]

My mum is taking my ideas of gifts to buy for my child, that's my problem
So STOP telling her your ideas, hardly rocket science is it?

In the longterm look at renting your own home otherwise the undermining-and clutter of unnecessary junk- will only increase.