Drunk Husband....

[CornishMumma01]

Mummies I need your advise.

We went over to FIL house for BBQ this evening. DH always drinks when we go out so I am left driving (I'm not a big drinker anyway but it would be nice to be asked!). We arrived at 6pm ish and DH wouldn't stop drinking and talking (most people had left, gone to bed or fallen asleep listening to him) and we finally left at about 3AM!!! We have a 12 week old DD to think about.

All he did the whole night was moan about me, the baby, the house. We said I sit around on my fat ass watching tv all day amongst other things. I could see people thinking he's being out of order but he get angry when he's drunk.

We finally got home he collapsed on the sofa but on top of DH makeshift bed and my bed (we sleep in the sofa so he can get a good nights sleep for work). I asked him to move, I admit I was altogether nice about it as I was pissed off at home while I had to bring in the baby in her car seat, the bag, gifts from family friends,l and see to the dogs. He refused to move slurring some more insults at me. I eventually man handled him off the sofa but he was now on the floor. He was throwing his arms around and whacked me glasses off my face which landed in his eye. OMG he started getting shitting saying I punched him in the face and told me if I touched him he'd 'launch me across the room'. More insults were thrown in too.

I've not gone upstairs to sleep with DD and the dogs (as they ran off scared) and left him downstairs where I can hear him throwing stuff. I'm sure I'll have to make sure the house is tidy for tomorrow when his mum turns up! DD also has her jabs in the morning at 8:50

What should I do in the morning? I'm so kissed off with him but I know how much he turns arguments around and I am never allowed to be angry and I can feel it bubbling it inside me after every argument. 12 years of holding it in is going to turn me mental

X

One idea would be to pack your absolute essentials (passport, driving licence other documents) and a few clothes. Go to the jabs appointment and ask for help. You DH probably won’t even hear you leave. Is there anywhere safe that you can go?

Hmm...really hoping that he passed out and OP got to sleep with her baby.

Hopefully MIL will call around nice and early tomorrow to see the mess her son has made.

OP you've not long given birth. It's you who should have the bed. You've produced a beautiful daughter for that Tosspot who obviously doesn't appreciate you. He should be treating you like a queen right now. I'm not going to say LTB. That's your business but I would ask you to think about one thing. You are now the mother of a daughter. That means that you will teach her how to become a woman and all that that entails. She will look to you for guidance on all the small things in life like how to apply her make up, to all the big things like what to expect from a man. Don't teach her that this is what she deserves. Teach her to expect the best and lead by example because you deserve it too. PM me if you need ANYTHING

OP, do you have friends or family close by?
I'm thinking you're not British so may not have local support.

Agree with the suggestion to take a few esentials for you and baby to the appointment. You can get help and deserve better for you and your little one.

Hoping things have calmed down and the OP is now sleeping.

I would call the Police and leave the place as DH left it for his Mother to see and I would be so gone with the DC and the dogs and it would be the end. I would say "Yippee" cos finally the wanker had crossed the line and done it for himself.

He sounds like an arsehole. Leave the mess for his mum to see and instead make plans to do whatever it is you have to do to preserve your mental health and be safe with your DD and dogs.

12 years of this and you now have a 12 week old baby?

Fucking hell OP. You brought a baby into an abusive relationship? And you think that's a good idea why? That poor child.

If you don't leave for yourself then leave for the baby. Willingly bringing a child into the world to grow up in a family like that? I can't believe you did that.

Come on Fiffyshadesofgreymatter do you really think that's helpful just now? God knows what this poor woman is going through. I don't think your comment is really useful at the moment. There's a time and a place but this isn't it.

You sleep on the sofa? He often gets like this? He sounds awful.
You really need to consider the possibility you're in a very abusive relationship. You and your child deserve better.

@JustHavinABreak

If it were just her, she'd had all my sympathy and support. But she said it's been 12 years of this... And she has a 12 week old kid. So even though she's in an abusive home, she had a baby. That baby doesn't get a choice. She got an abusive man for a dad and will grow up in an abusive home. And sbe can't do anything to help herself. So mum needs to. When there are kids involved, I will always advocate for the kid and that unfortunately means telling OP like it is. That she can't just put up with it because it's not just her. If she stays then she is forcing her child to grow up with abuse. She want a child so now she needs to be a parent and put the baby first.

So you have any idea how many children grow up with an abusive parent because their other parent won't so anything to protect them? It's not acceptable.

Fifty so many abused women have been so conditioned by their abuser that your perfect sort of thinking and planning is nigh on impossible. They are trying to survive. They are in such a heightened stage of alert they are trying not to anger their abuser.

@Fiffyshadesofgreymatter

Yes I know all too well I'm afraid and I know that the consequences are lifelong and devastating. I also know that often times children are conceived in violence and abuse disguised as love.

I'm not saying don't advocate for the child. I'm just saying that there is a time and a place. And given that we haven't heard from the mother in hours, and that she is in the same house as a drunk abusive man with form, then the priority should surely be getting her and her child out, not telling her it's her fault.

Children who grow up in abusive households are scarred deeply and I believe, forever. But the way to get the mother out is by strengthening her. Not by telling her how awful she is. HE does that already.

Well after 12 years of it, this won't be the first time she's had the 'gently, gently' approach. She's still there though. With a baby.

If it were just her, then take all the time you want building her up enough to leave. But it's not. There's s child. That us enough motivation. She has an appointment today with the baby; she will be in a place where she can ask for help and he will not be there to stop her so she needs to do it today. There's no point in waiting.

my God OP, just leave him, he is vile, alcohol is no excuse, you and your baby deserve better

Why do you think the OP isn't British happened? I cannot see anything in her post that suggests this? Just curious.

Well let's hope she doesn't meet someone like you if she ever asks for help. She had the baby 12 weeks ago. For the previous 12 years her abuser has conditioned her to think that she deserves this. Her life changed 12 weeks ago and now she's reaching out to people here asking for help. And your response to that cry for help is appalling.

Your advocacy for the child is admirable but your lack of empathy for the other victim.of abuse is disappointing. Perhaps you have your own demons to forgive. It's the only reason I can think of that would make sense of such victim blaming.

Hope everything is ok

This sounds like the tip of the iceberg who has their 12 week DD on a makeshift bed so he can sleep

Certainly don’t tidy for his mum

My God, this man is a disgrace, PLEASE start planning to leave him

If you had already LTB you would have had a pleasant evening and an early night. You would have woken up to a tidy house and no hungover idiot in your living room. Good luck OP.

No idea what has happened in the last few hours, but I hope you're ok..
Do NOT clean up the house before his mum arrives - let her see what her son did when he got home last night after getting shit faced at FIL (her?) house. You may need her support with his behaviour.

You should be in bed, he can stay on the damn sofa from now on. What doe he do for you and the baby? He's a father, is he pulling his weight at home? Does he usually drink like this in the week?

Are you in the UK? Do you have a heakth visitor?

Hoping you and baby are safe. Let this be rock bottom. Call the police. Get in on record every time he acts in a manner dangerous to you, dogs and child. If he ever hits you, controls you with money/threats then charge him with domestic abuse.
Leave before baby grows up thinking this is normal. Get police involved so that there is a record to protect DC and as evidence.

I hope you have not tidied any of the mess. Clear up anything broken to make safe for baby, but leave it on the side. I hope she will see her son for who he is (abusive and vile) she may support you.
You husband got drunk and spent the night bitching about you, in front of you! I would have got up with the baby and left..l
Op I hope you are ok.

I hope you and baby are ok?

Your partner is abusing you. Please ask for help at the appointment. His behaviour is appalling. You must be scared of him. I'm so sorry OP

OP this is abuse. You & DD deserve more & deserve to be safe.

How are you this morning? Did you call the police?

Please contact Women's Aid