Please help me understand their thinking

[ScornedDIL]

The aibu is not about my husband. Please don’t give me LTB. I know it’s a shitty relationship.

What I want to understand is the in Laws thought processes.

I wanted to get perspective from a different angle especially older generation and In-Laws.

I’ll try not to be too long winded.

I had a friend - call him Bob growing up who had a large birthmark across his face and had quite low self esteem. His family just decided to pretend there was nothing wrong.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Bob and I became close after the end of my relationship and eventually married when my daughter was 5. She is now 11.

Last year my husband had a nervous breakdown. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. His parents had planned a holiday to the Cotswolds and I was shocked they did not cancel.

I dealt with this alone. When he was recovering he admitted that the stress of living a double life had caused him to have a breakdown. He said that he had never imagined anyone would be able to see past his facial disfigurement and had started using prostitutes when he was a young man. He used them during our marriage.

This was a shock and I asked him to move out of our rented house. His parents swooped in and said that as their son is the high earner it is his house. They said me and my daughter should move 3 hours away to my parents house. I would have to quit my job and dd leave a school she is doing well at. I said ‘If you think I’m leaving my home you have another think coming.’

Eventually he moved into their house which is an hour away and he could still commute to work. He lived there for 3 months then rented a studio flat.

After therapy we are trying to mend the relationship and he has moved back to the family home. His parents said I am banned from their house. At Christmas they sent a card addressed only to Bob. Not me and completely ignored my daughter who called them grandma and grandpa for five years. They ignored her birthday. They said that I had offended them when I was rude to them.

A few weeks later we drove to their house to try and talk. They said I am not allowed in. His sister has taken the same line. My daughter was not invited to the usual cousins birthday party. Also a Christmas card to her brother only but not me or dd. I phoned her and asked why they were doing that and she said ‘I had spoken to her parents very rude and disrespectfully to them’.

I have apologised to them saying ‘it was obviously a stressful time and their saying I should leave my home when I had done nothing wrong was unfair but I’m sorry I had a rude tone speaking to you.’ They still will not speak to me and it’s coming up to two years now.

Dh is useless. He won’t ever do against his parents and is scared of his dad. It’s not a good relationship but to leave would be too much upheaval for me.

Why is his family being so horrible to me and taking it out on a child?

I agree with all those advising you to go no contact with these toxic in laws.
But I’d take the nuclear option first. I’d go to their church minister, tell her the whole saga and ask her to do a pastoral visit to the in laws to discuss “ reconciliation”!
Petty revenge maybe, but let’s see how they like their behaviour receiving a bit of Christian examination from their church head!
Secondly, and in my opinion a much greater problem, is your DH.
His excuses for using prostitutes are barely forgivable when he was single, but are complete bullshit once he was married to you.
You were providing all the love, validation etc - he continued with abusing prostitutes for his own selfish reasons.
Frankly I think you’d be much better off without him and his entire shitty family. You didn’t need antidepressants and cbt before you met him, presumably? Think long and hard about what he’s done to your life and happiness.

The problem with revenge is, it can sometimes backfire. Nice thought though.

I agree with SandandSea - they don’t want to face up to a problem.

I know someone who was severely impacted by a parent’s addiction and suicide attempt. She was referred for counselling but her parents refused to let her have it. On the face of it, that’s bonkers but I suspect they just couldn’t face up to what they’d impact they’d had, so they just refused to accept it had happened. People have to find a way to process and live with things; the justifications they sometimes come up with can be bizarre.

I’m sorry for the impact this is having on you and your daughter but this isn’t your fault. You’ve tried and they’re unwilling to be reasonable, so it’s time to leave them to stew in their own miserable juices :hug:

Do they know he’s used prostitution to booster his ego during your marriage thereby placing you at risk of STDs? I assume you’ve been and had tests to exclude and health risks.
He’s birthmark is an excuse not a reason.

His parents are going to side and try to protect him. They love him. They might well only know one side of the story and that might well have huge gaps in it. Don’t fret about them. They are undoubtedly hurt and worried about his mental health and probably blame themselves but take it out on you rather than working with you to solve the situation. They are either very poor communicators or nasty.

Don’t contact them at all. Don’t apologise to them. Tell your husband he needs to make a choice as to whether he protects his wife and family by insisting they are treated respectfully or he needs to move back in with them. Then get legal advice re house and income.

2. I suppose I want to understand because it’s a way I would never behave

Don’t bother, you never will and if you have that mindset you will tie yourself up in knots. I worked in A&E for nearly 30 years and I can tell you humans are a weird bunch. Lots of people behave in bizarre ways that defy logic and can never be understood. Let it go.

As for FIL’s possible affairs, who cares. Not relevant at all to the current situation. Your DH’s issue with prostitutes, I can understand the background but continuing on after he is in a relationship is odd (considering his excuse using them is he never thought he would be in one).

Again, dance for joy that family of arseholes want nothing to do with you. Who cares what they are saying. You will never understand them as you are probably sane and your behaviour is rational. I would insist your DH also cuts them off if he wants to stay with you.

Your in laws are blinkered fools, have nothing more to do with them. Dont keep trying to repair the relationship not worth the effort. As for your husband? Your choice.

Ffs, Prostitutes are not a symptom of illness??!! Just a weak nasty man exploiting women, what is his attitude to you and your daughter. I would not want to sleep with him
If you want to save your marriage just keep away from inlaws, protect your child. Don't have children with him. You may leave later when you feel stronger. Good luck

I would be going to their church and very loudly asking why they think it's OK for their son to use prostitutes and to ignore their grand child. Would thoroughly embarrass them and then walk out and never speak to them again. Oh and divorce the coward you call a husband.

I’m sorry, but you’re concentrating on entirely the wrong thing. You husband isn’t supporting you against his toxic parents.

Whilst he puts them first your relationship is doomed.

And why do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who did that to you? You’ll never be happy.

Lots of different strands here
People put their own children first and believe them. That's how people are.

Behaving in the way they are to their grand daughter is utterly, utterly unforgivable. Don't even waste any brain space on wondering why- just stop seeing them any more. They probably think that they have no further responsibility towards her because she is not a blood relation.

Think about what you and your ds are getting out of trying to. obtain a relationship with this man. It sounds like not a lot. Think about planning a future without him.

Being an inlaw or from an older generation does not mean you think or behave in an unkind thoughtless way. Being an arsehole does.

Stop now.
Stop clinging to this man who uses prostitutes whilst expecting to maintain a relationship with you.
Stop trying to make things right with people who are wrong in themselves.
Grow a pair, please. I mean that kindly. Get rid of all these people.

Your ILs are punishing you because you are punishing yourself, perhaps because you are not in your right mind for a reason you haven't disclosed here.

You could benefit from counselling in your own to explore why you are subjecting yourself to this grim existence. There must be a part of you that understands you need to get out?

Yes to all these posts. But most importantly, make sure DD is ok.

Drop them a line saying as you can't come to the house you will drop into church next Sunday to catch up with them as there are a few things you would like to discuss:
a) How they feel about their son using prostitutes
b) Why they wanted you and the children to be homeless after their son used prostitutes and your relationship was then in difficulties
c) Why they and their daughter are treating you and your child so unkindly when you have firgiven their son and are trying very hard to make your relationship work
d) What aspects of christianity they feel they live by

Because they're all twats. I expect he fed them a load of lies but sometimes looking for a deeper meaning is a massive, futile waste of your own energy. Twats raised a twat.
No wonder you're on ADs. You can have a life without toxicity, you know. Hopefully therapy will lead you to see this and what the root of your depression actually is.