Please help me understand their thinking

[ScornedDIL]

The aibu is not about my husband. Please don’t give me LTB. I know it’s a shitty relationship.

What I want to understand is the in Laws thought processes.

I wanted to get perspective from a different angle especially older generation and In-Laws.

I’ll try not to be too long winded.

I had a friend - call him Bob growing up who had a large birthmark across his face and had quite low self esteem. His family just decided to pretend there was nothing wrong.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Bob and I became close after the end of my relationship and eventually married when my daughter was 5. She is now 11.

Last year my husband had a nervous breakdown. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. His parents had planned a holiday to the Cotswolds and I was shocked they did not cancel.

I dealt with this alone. When he was recovering he admitted that the stress of living a double life had caused him to have a breakdown. He said that he had never imagined anyone would be able to see past his facial disfigurement and had started using prostitutes when he was a young man. He used them during our marriage.

This was a shock and I asked him to move out of our rented house. His parents swooped in and said that as their son is the high earner it is his house. They said me and my daughter should move 3 hours away to my parents house. I would have to quit my job and dd leave a school she is doing well at. I said ‘If you think I’m leaving my home you have another think coming.’

Eventually he moved into their house which is an hour away and he could still commute to work. He lived there for 3 months then rented a studio flat.

After therapy we are trying to mend the relationship and he has moved back to the family home. His parents said I am banned from their house. At Christmas they sent a card addressed only to Bob. Not me and completely ignored my daughter who called them grandma and grandpa for five years. They ignored her birthday. They said that I had offended them when I was rude to them.

A few weeks later we drove to their house to try and talk. They said I am not allowed in. His sister has taken the same line. My daughter was not invited to the usual cousins birthday party. Also a Christmas card to her brother only but not me or dd. I phoned her and asked why they were doing that and she said ‘I had spoken to her parents very rude and disrespectfully to them’.

I have apologised to them saying ‘it was obviously a stressful time and their saying I should leave my home when I had done nothing wrong was unfair but I’m sorry I had a rude tone speaking to you.’ They still will not speak to me and it’s coming up to two years now.

Dh is useless. He won’t ever do against his parents and is scared of his dad. It’s not a good relationship but to leave would be too much upheaval for me.

Why is his family being so horrible to me and taking it out on a child?

I think you're focussing your anger on the wrong people. Your husband should be speaking to them about their behaviour.it sounds like he's maybe had a difficult upbringing.
That's no excuse for what he's done. You need to think carefully about this relationship. Never mind his parents and why they do stuff! They are irrelevant and the best thing to do is to ignore them. Focus on yourself and your child

Thank you for all the answers. Sorry I can’t answer every poster right now as I have to get ready for work! Some main points.

1. I know they definitely know because I was there when he FaceTimed them and they were dramatically crying. Also I spoke about it in a conversation with SIL.

1. I suppose I want to understand because it’s a way I would never behave.

1. I know FIL at some point probably had an affair when MIL worked away for a while. FIL was unemployed at the time and my husband said he saw some very incriminating emails on the family computer and a family friend often leaving the house around the time he was back from school. They have no idea me or husband know. Now idea if MIL knows. Maybe FIL believes unfaithfulness is not a big deal really. Or maybe he is scared we will tell mil if we are involved in their lives as it is now a ‘relevant’ item of discussion.

I nearly had a breakdown myself when my last relationship ended and I just can’t face that all again.

Also I’m no way saying I approve of the cheating/prostitutes. Only he believed growing up he would never have a relationship due to his disfigurement which is why he says he started using them.

I understand that you don't want to leave your dh at the moment - maybe that's something to think about in the future.

In the meantime, don't waste any more emotional energy worrying about your awful pils. Detach, detach detach - concentrate your time and energy on yourself and your dd. Their opinions are worthless.

From what you say they have a history of ignoring what doesn’t suit them, that’s what they are doing. Do you think the relationship with them
Is worth fighting for?

Also, we have only used condoms after finding out. Been tested. He is in therapy and I am on antidepressants and CBT .

Also I worry about what they are saying about me to other in laws and realatives. I don’t talk to any of them but it hurts.

Your DH had a psychiatric condition, it sounds like the prostitutes were a symptom of his illness. I'm not suggesting you were wrong to finish the relationship, but in his parents eyes you threw him out of his home when he was very unwell. You can't compare that to them going on holiday for a week when he was first admitted, he was in a place of safety being cared for by a medical team.

I think you're expecting too much too soon re his parents. Try to see it from their perspective. They will come round in time.

Try to see it from their perspective NO! They are emotionally harming their 11 year old step granddaughter! They need cutting off completely, along with the SIL. End of.

I think you need to accept that you have no relationship with your in laws. It will be easier to deal with if you have no contact and focus on building support networks with others. Questioning it is setting yourself and your dd up fir rejection again. Whether your h is willing to do so is up to him but I fear your relationship is doomed already. Is he still a high earner with his mh issues? Do you work?

OP, it took 2 years of therapy to help me break from my toxic parents. Don't let them continue to mentally harm DD. She comes first. If your DH can't stay away from them too and support you, you need to seriously think about that. You should visit the "stately homes" thread, lots of people in your position, many who have made the break and will support you. There is no explanation why they are treating you like this, they just are. Took me two years to find that out. Toxic relatives are just that, "toxic". You'll never find an explanation sorry, and they'll never admit or apologise for how they're mistreating you and DD. Please cut them completely off and never send them anything. No cards, nothing!!

That's so sad for your dd, they are awful people.

How has their cruelty affected DD so far?

If they are very religious in an old fashioned way (not necessarily a bad thing) finding out that their son has always visited prostitutes is a big shock. Also their 'beloved' son having a mental breakdown might be seen as a failure on his part, and also possibly a failure on their part which they are in denial about and don't want to face up to. It is easier to blame you for the prostitute use and breakdown - however unfair that is, it is what it is.

The problem imv is that your DH isn't reducing contact with them. And that you seem to think they must behave as if nothing has happened and treat you as before. They can do exactly what they want so you fretting constantly about what they are or aren't doing/saying to you is a waste of emotional effort on your part. Can you just accept that you do not have the relationship with them you had and that your life and your DD's life does not include them? Your DH should be supporting you both in this as the three of you are a family.
So the problem is your DH not supporting you in a life which does not include your inlaws.

So the problem is your DH not supporting you in a life which does not include your inlaws. Yes, this.

Why are you putting yourself through this and more importantly why are YOU doing this to your daughter?
Yes it is you, not him. I say this because you are separated and he isnt in your home so why are you mending anything so that he and his toxic family will be around your child?

YOU have control of this, so why do you want them so desperately in your life.

I don't understand why you want a relationship with any of them, to be honest. They're horrible, and he enables it by not pointing out to them that he was in the wrong for your break-up. I'd never trust him again anyway. All that stuff about 'no woman would ever fancy me' is bullshit of the highest order. He had somebody - you - who loved and trusted him and he abused that trust. And now his parents are abusing you. You're right down at the bottom of the heap in this family, and your daughter is even further down.

It is your choice whether you are able to forgive your dh for what he has done. I would say his excuses for using escorts is rather lame, you were married and had been together for some time, so how does that excuse even stand? But anyway your choice.

His parents are blaming you because to do anything else would mean condemning their son and they are not prepared to do it. I would not
stop chasing them immediately and accept that you will never have a relationship with them again. Buy your dd an extra gift for special occasions and tell her the GP are getting old and senile. Protect her from the truth, because she should not have to suffer because of them. You can tell her the truth when she is older.

I would freeze them out. Totally NC with all of them. They are the ones that have been disrespectful to you and your child, not the other way around. Tell your dh you will have nothing further to do with them. He can see them when he wants. No more cards and presents or contact. Zero.

Above all, you can not allow your child to become entangled and potentially hurt again.

It no loss op, these people are nothing to you really. Focus on your own family and friends and move on.

• I would stop chasing them

Can I just add op you are now medicated and having to have CBT all because of him!

How are you not more angry? How do you even look at him knowing what he has done to your you and your child?

He is a ghastly role model for your dd. He is a ghastly father figure for her, and his parents are the lowest of the low for blaming you for this.

I would think very carefully before staying with this man, on health reasons alone because men like this rarely change.

What you offended was the pompous, inflated sense they have of themselves. It is not that you were rude, you just challenged them and they think they should never be challenged by you. They expect their own way.
Your actions gave you power over them. I imagine their children do as they are told-even as adults. To have you tell them to think again as you were not going to do as they wanted you to is a challenge to their power and control.
What they are doing now is re-gaining control by stopping you being part of their family. The fact that their daughter is colluding in this and their son won't stand up to them shows how ingrained it all is.
Just cut them off completely from you and DC and make it clear you don't care. They are utter bastards- their sense of their own superiority is at the centre of this.

They are dicks. They like to be in control and they use avoiding and ignoring to maintain control and supremacy.

I'm concerned about DD. 11 years old, probably just changed to senior school? Not only no support and encouragement from grandparents, but deliberately ignored. Poor lass! OP doesn't mention how this is affecting her? This could damage DD if not handled carefully.