Please help me understand their thinking

[ScornedDIL]

The aibu is not about my husband. Please don’t give me LTB. I know it’s a shitty relationship.

What I want to understand is the in Laws thought processes.

I wanted to get perspective from a different angle especially older generation and In-Laws.

I’ll try not to be too long winded.

I had a friend - call him Bob growing up who had a large birthmark across his face and had quite low self esteem. His family just decided to pretend there was nothing wrong.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Bob and I became close after the end of my relationship and eventually married when my daughter was 5. She is now 11.

Last year my husband had a nervous breakdown. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. His parents had planned a holiday to the Cotswolds and I was shocked they did not cancel.

I dealt with this alone. When he was recovering he admitted that the stress of living a double life had caused him to have a breakdown. He said that he had never imagined anyone would be able to see past his facial disfigurement and had started using prostitutes when he was a young man. He used them during our marriage.

This was a shock and I asked him to move out of our rented house. His parents swooped in and said that as their son is the high earner it is his house. They said me and my daughter should move 3 hours away to my parents house. I would have to quit my job and dd leave a school she is doing well at. I said ‘If you think I’m leaving my home you have another think coming.’

Eventually he moved into their house which is an hour away and he could still commute to work. He lived there for 3 months then rented a studio flat.

After therapy we are trying to mend the relationship and he has moved back to the family home. His parents said I am banned from their house. At Christmas they sent a card addressed only to Bob. Not me and completely ignored my daughter who called them grandma and grandpa for five years. They ignored her birthday. They said that I had offended them when I was rude to them.

A few weeks later we drove to their house to try and talk. They said I am not allowed in. His sister has taken the same line. My daughter was not invited to the usual cousins birthday party. Also a Christmas card to her brother only but not me or dd. I phoned her and asked why they were doing that and she said ‘I had spoken to her parents very rude and disrespectfully to them’.

I have apologised to them saying ‘it was obviously a stressful time and their saying I should leave my home when I had done nothing wrong was unfair but I’m sorry I had a rude tone speaking to you.’ They still will not speak to me and it’s coming up to two years now.

Dh is useless. He won’t ever do against his parents and is scared of his dad. It’s not a good relationship but to leave would be too much upheaval for me.

Why is his family being so horrible to me and taking it out on a child?

Do his parents know about him using prostitutes, or do they think you wanted him out of the family home because of his breakdown?

And being 'churchy' or religious is no indication of a persons level of basic human decency, so don't let that be the conundrum here.

It's not want to hear but you need to LTB.

You already know what you need to do OP. LTB. Get rid of him and his awful family. Don't waste anymore time wondering why they're so vile, just cut them out. You and your DD will be miles better for it.

Perhaps they don't know about him using prostitutes? Or don't want to really believe it?

Most parents would chose their own child over their inlaws, though. And I suspect that they never really thought of your daughter as their grandaughter

Sometimes you just have to accept that certain people are cunts. It's who they are. You can't reason with them and you won't change them.

You think it’s ok that your dh has a facial Mark and that means it’s ok to FUCK prostitutes
Your pil are the last of your problems

Well I'm the older generation and a MIL and tbh am a bit puzzled as to why you would think someone in a similar position to your ILs might be able to explain and understand them; us older people aren't all arseholes you know.

They sound like very nasty people who you would be well advised to have as little contact with as possible.

Stop going to their house and most importantly stop apologising to them, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

You've been badly treated by their son and now you and your daughter are being badly treated by them. Keep away from them.

This is a case of 'Golden Boy' syndrome.

NOTHING you do/say will change the situation.

Your husband is selfish and is keeping the status quo so he has both you & your DD AND his parents on side. But by not defending you & DD - his wife and stepdaughter(!) - He is hurting you & DD for his own selfish needs.

Utterly disGUSting behaviour. Disgraceful.

You really, REALLY need to think about his commitment to this marriage....

I can’t help you understand, I have similar with the in laws including a SIL who took their side even though they admitted what happened. My husband wasn’t to blame they were just weird and horrible. I don’t talk to them at all and let DH get on with it alone. He acknowledges their behaviour at least but understandably wants a relationship. Is this the case for you or does your husband blame you in some way? The problem for you is your DD. The best thing for her is to act like they don’t exist and concentrate on other relationships instead.

I really tried to understand, but it was telling that the parents of my husband’s school friend thought the in laws were really strange and not nice when he was a teen. It’s just who they are and you are best off away from them.

They are very churchy and used to have digs at me for not being interested in going. How do they reconcile the way they treat my child with what they (presumably) hear once a week at church?

The fact that your inlaws are churchy people doesn't surprise me in the least. The biggest hypocrites and nastiest people I know would all describe themselves as "good churchgoers" and devout religious people (insert religion of choice here).

Cut them off. They're not worthy of your time, nor is your husband.

I would just have to cut off with in laws like this, and its always amazing to read about so many church going people, who are judgmental, self righteous and toxic. I once had people like this in my family, they were unbearable. they are gone now. not sure if they went to heaven !

They presumably are not aware of the prostitutes. Therefore they believe you chucked their son out of his home when he was at his lowest point. That’s why they hate you. Why they treat your daughter so badly I’m afraid I can’t answer fo that.

I have to agree with most of the posters here - there is nothing to understand, they are hateful people who don't want anything to do with you or your DD because you're not "blood Faaaaammmily".
You never will be.
And because of that, they will never forgive you.

You have also spurned their child, their son - who they don't seem that bothered about themselves, but still - he IS their "blood faaaaaammmily" and is therefore part of their pack. I doubt they consider the prostitutes problematic - if they know about them, they probably blame you for not being enough of a wife to him that he still needed to use them.

They don't care that much about him, the don't care At All about you or your DD - so if your husband chooses to ally himself with them (since, after all, they're his "faaaaaaammmily") then I don't see much hope for your future relationship with him.

So even though you don't want to be told to LTB, I'm going to add my voice to the chorus who have already said it - because there's nothing there worth fighting for. :(

My ex had a facial birthmark. He was bloody wonderful BUT had such deep psychological scars which affected his relationships with women. He literally couldn't keep it in his pants as the validation he felt when a woman saw past the birthmark was too hypnotic. Despite the fact that he was so handsome: 6'2", brilliant rugby play and fucking hilarious he thought he was ugly.

Everything you describe has brought it back. He was from a very simple, poor family but made it big in finance amazingly. I am also very sad to say that he killed himself this year which has devastated many of us from his uni days.

Loving someone with a disfigurement is hard and there are very complex emotional issues.

My advice is to definitely detach from the ILs. There will be fit and projection everywhere. Also, take in very slowly in regards to your relationship. His issues are deep rooted and you may he able to support him recovery from his breakdown but he has done you wrong and you need to look at that too.

Hello OP

Have I understood it correctly that you have a son with your OP?
That DH and their biological grandson have contact with his parents but you and DD are completely exiled?

That would not be acceptable to me but, having seen their toxic true colours, nor would I want to be in contact with them or at any family events in any case or expose either of my children to it.

So...I would insist DH went back to therapy with you as clearly with regard to his parents he's still in FOG and he needs to be backing you up/taking your side and owning up to the fact that any marriage breakdown, temporary or otherwise was down to him cheating. If his parents do know that fact already, he needs to tell them straight their behaviour/response in coming to his defence was insulting to you.

Up to you whether it bothers you how often he sees his toxic parents but I would not be allowing your son to go, given how his sister is being excluded. They come as a pair, not blood versus step grandchild. Cards/gifts returned to sender/left behind by DP on his visits.

Always stay in the house if you are the primary care giver, never feel you cannot ask DH to leave irrespective of mental health problems, have your ducks in a row in case, especially financially and with regard to the family home. Cut off his family, all of them, your side and any visits your husband chooses to do...you do not want to debrief them/be given details or complaints etc and nor does he do at critical times/family times. They do not accept you so he will have to accept there are choices to be made.

Do they know why you kicked him out or do they think you kicked him out because he had a breakdown?

Ah forget that - you meant SIL sending card to DB not you or her (step) niece.
As for understanding their thinking, I don't.
If I had to...and you say it's been two years (am struggling with timeline unless you asked him to leave pretty much at the start of last year).

1. Not cancelling Cotswolds - in their heads they 'deserved' their holiday/he was being taken care of/nothing they could do. They seem money orientated so did not want to waste any. Sod any support for you.
2. Asking you to leave - they do not see your DD as his or his responsibility. She is not his blood so he doesn't owe her a roof over her head . Even more so if he has not adopted her. If he is the main breadwinner/already had the house and you didn't buy it together then they are happy to portray you as a golddigger particularly if you were pushing to dissolve the marriage.
3. Cutting you off - like most narcs they did not like being not in control, the 3 months having their son back was no doubt an imposition to them and they didn't want the hassle. Easier to blame the daughter-in-law. Their relationship with your child was fake not real to them even if real to her, blood being thicker than water

Do you have your name on the mortgage/deeds?
Do you want your husband to stop seeing them?
What do your parents think to all this?
If you were to divorce what are you entitled to legally?

Aarggh! I really must learn to read...rented house.
No idea why they involved themselves....unless it was to avoid stepping up/having him. Or they thought him still paying all of or still being liable for half of the rent was unfair.
Do you have a joint account or are monies separate?
Do you both work?
Whose names are on the tenancy?
Who lived there originally or did you move in together?
Why did you take him back and what do you mean by upheaval?

They’re toxic assholes and have done you a favour by cutting you out of their lives. Good riddance

They are very churchy and used to have digs at me for not being interested in going. How do they reconcile the way they treat my child with what they (presumably) hear once a week at church?

Sometimes you just have to accept that certain people are cunts. It's who they are. You can't reason with them and you won't change them.

They’re toxic assholes and have done you a favour by cutting you out of their lives. Good riddance

That sums it up nicely.

Seriously, no idea why you want them in your life? I would be jumping for joy that I was rid of them. I not be letting them have anything to do with their grandchild (Bob's child). I would also be telling Bob that if he wanted to remain in the marital home and as a family he is also having nothing to do with them as they are toxic arseholes. The end.

The sound very Christian! Not!

Your husband ought to be sticking up for you and your child - he fucked up, you've forgiven him and moved on - he needs to tell his family to behave and stop medalling as they're ruining what you've managed to save after his disgraceful behaviour

NC them. That means from you DS life too, send back his cards and gifts until they realise what nasty fuckers they are. If your DD is not good enough for them, they can get out of all your lives. Please stop grovelling to them, you’re not the one in the wrong .

Stop apologising to them. You did nothing wrong.

Tell your DH you want to know exactly what he told them about what happened to him and to your relationship in the recent past.

I assume they know nothing about the prostitutes?

They probably wouldn't believe you if you told them, so tell your DH that he needs to commit to revealing all to them as part of your reconciliation or there will be no more attempt to reconcile.

I would also assume that DH has been brought up in a home where there is a very twisted view of women - and this has to be dealt with in therapy.

This is very likely where your ILs' response to you is coming from too. You are in their eyes some sort of tainted harpy who is not good enough for their son, and your DD is less than dirt to them as she is 'fatherless'. I would assume the ILs are the sort of people who put men first always, and see women as evil, representing the sensual and sexual side of humanity, always trying to tempt men away from the straight and narrow. I would assume there is very much a madonna/whore thing going on with both your H and his parents.

Throwing you out of the home with your DD would be punishment for the wickedness of being a woman.

Get yourself STD tested.

YYY to SandandSea's analysis.

It is easier to project anger and blame onto the woman in some cultures than deal appropriately with mental illness or a relationship breakdown caused by cheating with prostitutes.

His family sounds toxic.
He's not worth your time. He really isn't. He cheats on you, he lets his family treat you like shit. Why are you bothering with any of them?!