To Ask What My Manager Meant?

Hi OP, I lead a small team of people within a charity now but we had a mentor and leadership programme in the NHS that was amazing. Wrt those with imposter syndrome, I have found that some people can over-compensate but with feedback, self awareness, support, leadership training (and dreaded role plays!) and crucially, experience, it has always improved! I am always much happier supporting the development of anxious or confident staff, but not cocky and oblivious staff.

There are measures like 360 degree feedback we use too so that we see how our styles of management and or leadership impact on and contribute to the team's experience, working environment and effectiveness.

Best of luck. You need to have some belief in yourself as he seems to!

Find someone you (and others) look up to at work and impersonate them as a short term fix. It’s very hard being in a senior position when you’re young and needing development is completely normal.
Take small steps to improve and show you are taking on feedback and that will go a long way. Good luck and remember they gave you the job because you can do it.

Even if your place doesn't have a 'mentor programme' it doesn't matter, just approach someone! If there is a formal programme, great as it means there's some structure. But anyone can approach a colleague and ask if they would mentor them. I've done it informally, and as part of a mentor initiative, they both work well. And it doesn't have to be a big 'open your heart' session, just a bit of a chat of whats gone well this week/month, and what's been difficult, can reap loads of rewards. The first ever bit of feedback I got from a mentor, 10 years ago, has stayed with me ever since. Its hard to begin with, hearing someone tell you you're doing something REALLY annoying however nicely they tell you. But that one bit of feedback made me a lot more aware of how I behaved in meetings - and I've given others the same feedback since and have been quite open with them that I used to do the same.

Firstly we all have development areas at work and as your manager he needs to identify those and help you work on them. Please don't obsessively focus on that because in a senior role you will be more successful in your role if you embrace the feedback and think of strategies to work on it.

It sounds to me like he has has some feedback (he may have requested it formally as part of the process) from your team. Don't try to anticipate what interactions it may apply to as that's not helpful and will drive you nuts. It will probably be a lot less dramatic than you might think and will be helpful for you to know.

Don't take it personally, it's all part of a good robust performance review process and any decent company will operate the same way.

The offsite bit is a little odd and suggests he uncomfortable with giving that sort of feedback but that's his issue and maybe something you can feedback to him when the time comes!!!

@Flyaway78 - things have moved on since the OP. Off site is normal in their workplace apparently. Maybe it's code for a Starbucks.

Most of us have these moments OP and have a 'thing' or two that we need to work on to succeed in new positions. Give yourself a break

Although you are feeling all embarrassed and cringed, no one else in your office will really be giving it much thought. Take on board the criticisms and try to change your approach with interactions. In most cases people will take you as you come.

I don't think he's criticising your whole personality. He's asking you to try to drop any mask/front and be more open/relaxed. If you don't know something to say so and not worry about being judged as not competent by colleagues/juniors.

Your personality isn't a problem. It's how you're bringing certain aspects of your personality into play in the workplace that needs development. He's telling you that you've got this, you can do it, you are doing it so stop trying to send a message that you're competent- the only person who doesn't believe in you is you. Your team is functioning under your management and you are doing things right - such as the presentation.

WHen you don't know, say you don't know and either point to someone who does know, or find out and bring it back. Don't try to bullshit or bluff your way through because people pick up on that immediately, sense the weakness and there's the respect gone.

I was in a similar position as you at your age and it took me a long time to add skills to ability and potential. A young woman in my team once said to me that whenever she was stuck or challenged she thought to herself "now what would Juno do here?" and my unspoken response to that was "Christ, don't use me as your guide, I've got no fucking clue what I'm doing" .

What helped me was getting on a programme for young prospective senior executives. Perhaps there's something like that available to you? I've gotta tell you though, I'm now a director of my own company, I'm running a big transformation project and I'm still busking it .

"I don’t know how this is measurable or how he’ll judged I’ve made improvement"

This is the nub of the issue. Ask him. Ask him to help.

And don't be too hard on yourself.

Be yourself. You got the job with your personality and you have done it for a few months. You wolljabe a meeting were some aspects to improve will be mentioned but you have already talked to your manager and if there was a major issue he would have mentioned it on the spot. Do not worry.

Do they know you have GAD?

This is the type of thing which is actually discrimination in the workplace. He's pulling you up on something that is caused by your illness. They should have reasonable adjustments in place for you, not the other way round.

Can you try to act your way through today’s meeting? See it as a short-term fix to a short-term issue, just to get you through today. Make it your aim to be as pleasant and engaged as you can. When fearful, anxious or negative thoughts creep in, take a deep breath, push them aside for the time being, and focus even more closely on the present moment and what your client is saying.

I wouldn’t talk to your client about anything personal or related to your work persona or job performance. If you feel the mask slipping at all during your meeting and she notices, can you offer an excuse? Something like a sick pet or getting over a migraine, to explain any wobbles or not quite being yourself?

I think you are totally overthinking this. I think the whole mask thing is a clumsy way of saying be yourself.

I think you should go back to yourboss and ask for measurable targets. Also ask for real life examples - what you did and what the boss would have expected you to do. I think perhaps alot of your anxiety stems from not knowing exactly what is expected of you, where the lines are. Sorry if Im projecting on that front and Ive misunderstood.

After today, in order to help you deal with the issues your manager has raised, you could:

• ask your manager for more specific examples of the behaviours he’s referring to, and what he suggests would be more appropriate. Get detail, and develop a plan together with him, one that gives you demonstrable outcomes so you know when you’re getting it ‘right’. But they mustn’t be added to your KPIs, as your work performance is not in question. This should be developmental and informal.
  
• as PP have suggested, seek out a mentor, formally or informally.
  
• get on that CBT waiting list - thus will be something that you want to address for your ongoing career, even once this probation period is done.
  
• explore mindfulness meditation. It can be brilliant for helping you to manage anxiety, imposter syndrome, reframe your thoughts about yourself and develop confidence at work. There’s a free app called Insight Timer which I’d recommend.
  
• finally, remember that your work persona is just that, a persona. It’s done you pretty bloody well and got you a long way, it sounds like, but it just might need some tweaks now you’re in a different role. That doesn’t mean that who you are is wrong or inadequate or a failure. In the same way you might need to refresh your work wardrobe periodically to reflect a different role or stage in your career but it’s no judgement on your personal style, this is just a point at whic( you need to tweak your work persona. Good luck to you!

I think he's done a really bad job of giving you performance feedback. He's left you feeling deflated, worried and hyper-vigilent of your every move. I once floundered in a particular senior role at first and even though I was palpably not doing well, my boss praised every tiny thing I did right and skimmed over all the shit stuff. He judged it just right. It boosted my confidence and I started to believe I could do it. If he'd have criticized me, I'd have gone down the plug hole. He's done a bad job, however carefully he's chosen his words. You need a confidence boost. Success begets success. Think of something you're doing well and build on it. I couldn't have managed my way out of a paper bag at you're age, so you're clearly bright and capable.

He was saying 'don't have imposter syndrome, you don't need to because you're not an imposter, you're a person capable of doing this job'.

As you gain more experience of the job, the hope is you'll relax into it, as you gain confirmation that you are good at it. Perhaps ask him to help with measuring actual performance, so providing that confirmation.

For today, remember, nothing is ever the same as you imagine it's going to be. When you've imagined it being terrible, that means that more than likely, it won't be. Always turn up, hope for the best and put on a brave face. It will be ok. Turning up is the biggest battle already won.

Can you be cheerful, friendly and positive today? Talk up the work / product by being really positive about it, rather than 'arrogant'?

I suppose my immediate 'how not to appear arrogant' thoughts would be; cheerfulness, eye contact, listening - asking questions and listening to the answers in an interested manner, as if the answers matter to you and politeness. Just try not to sneer at them, or adopt critical body language and you should be ok!

For someone with high social anxiety it is actually really helpful, in the longer term, that your manager is able to mention things that need working on, rather than only telling you that he is generally very happy indeed with your work.

If he had just been blandly reassuring - "Really happy with your work and performance" - you would have felt happy for a bit. But the hit would wear off as you started to question his comments in all of the self-destructive ways that anxious people are brilliant at -- "He didn't mean it. He was just too polite/embarrassed to mention the problems. Really he hates my work but he can't say."

Because you now have evidence that he is able to address the parts of your overall good performance he thinks can be improved, you can come to trust him more and more to be telling you frankly what he thinks. So that when he says "Really happy with your work" you will get better and better at simply believing that your work is great.

Finding areas of your work that you can improve, and speaking of them in a relaxed and constructive way, just makes him a good manager. It doesn't make you a bad worker. No one is perfect and the point of feedback in a good organisation is to cultivate the best in a good employee.

I'm glad that you seem to have a helpful manager and I hope that in time the feedback process will help you to trust yourself and to trust and believe the praise that you receive.

Tips for presenting are try to relax, smile and remember that you know whats coming next on the slides, clients don't. You are familiar with the process and products.
Make sure that you have a glass of water nearby, it's a good trick to take a sip if feeling unsettled. If you get asked a difficult question don't try to bluff through it. Use the response "that's a very good question I'll action it to get a full response from technical/Bob etc and get back to you as soon as possible with further information."

Regarding "dropping the mask" you do know your job and you got the job that's you not a mask. Don't try to bluff there is nothing wrong with saying you don't know, but it's the way that you say it. That's a very good point I will investigate (and do so), I just wish to double check can I get back to you tomorrow etc.

I use all of the above on a weekly basis I've been in my job for 2 years it's more important to give the right information then answer on the spot.

Lastly have some faith in yourself and do some breathing exercises if you feel a bit wobbly.

Try Headspace. It’s a meditation app and they talk a lot about inner confidence - what it is and how to find it (because everybody jas it, it’s just „gets lost” within thoughts/ anxiety. It heloed me lots inclueing at work. Obviously that is not an pvernight miracle but nothing is.