To Ask What My Manager Meant?

To put a different slant on it, somewhere I worked the manager always did performance meetings 'off site' because it gave them an excuse to get out of the office (they were desk based the rest of us weren't) and have a decent cup of coffee rather than generic office freeze dried shite.

Nothing more to it than that.

That's a very long list of things you think you might be doing wrong, some of which are contradictory! I agree with PP, focus on the positives, stay calm, he'll set a meeting date. Do not try to hurry this or ask for interim feedback.

One thing on your list jumped out at me, I might have been too keen to point out errors on things from previous teams. As a general rule, I would be very wary of describing things predecessors have done as errors. I've had new starters criticise things that have happened in the past. What they haven't realised is A. it's me they are criticising and B. I had a very good reason for acting in the way that I did. Unless you know the full context of their actions and the limitations within which they were working, it's difficult to be sure they are errors.

Instead of criticising, I would ask why these things were done in a certain way and if they're still done like that. You might learn something about the company and their systems.

Deep breaths OP. Focus on the here and now, not some imagined future that probably won't happen anyway.

I have social anxiety so I get it. He's happy with your work so half the battles won! . Is there another manager whose work social style you could mirror? That helped me massively on what's appropriate a
& to adapt fast when I contracted. I emulated some of the behaviours of a woman all my team liked. She was very good at her job & more senior & got on with everyone.

Aargh forgot. Others here might have suggestions too but when something wrong or crap procedurally comes up I don't criticise error unless it's consistently repeated. I just correct it. For bizarre inefficient processes : 'I wonder, would it be less hassle to do this by .... (& say the quicker better solution)

We're all sufferers of imposter syndrome!

I've no clue what I'm fucking doing!

You're fine, op, they hired you because you're capable! Stop fretting.

Op, if something were seriously wrong with your performance, they would have talked to you about it by now! You seriously need to calm down. You're doing just fine.

Imposter syndrome - I love it! I didn't realise there was a category for the way I feel at work. I am relatively successful, yet there's a voice at the back of my mind telling me that one day, I'll get found out

Imposter Syndrome is a recognised thing, and not just in managers and bosses. I come across as super confident but I'm always relieved to change jobs as then I've 'got away' with it again!
My DH doesn't understand it, but then he has a high opinion of his abilities 😂

I own a company and it does really well. I'm also on the panel of a trade association which represents our industry.

I still feel i can't think straight and don't know what day it is half the time!

When I'm good, I'm good, when I'm not, I'm human - you need to give yourself the same forgiveness! You are better than you think and your manager sounds grateful for you and willing to invest in you. This communication is a good thing!

That sounds like a plan. Good luck with the meeting.

Gosh that must have been so awful for you. Well done for managing to hold it together.
Can you think of some examples of what he might have been talking about? Sounds more like your interpersonal skills than your work skills. I manage quite a few people so might be able to give some advice.
For tomorrow though, is it possible just to get a smile on your face and get on with work until you’re feeling a bit more ok? As in don’t ask anyone to do anything unless it’s really necessary.

Bless you.

Perhaps you need to realise that being a manager or in charge in a team doesn't mean that you know everything or have all the answers, and there's no shame in asking others. I used to manage a team of about 20, and there were such a range of backgrounds and experience there that I was often asking staff members for their thoughts and advice. It's not a sign of weakness, but it sounds like maybe you think it is and you are trying to cover for it and coming across as not being willing to listen to others?

If there is something you don't know, open it up to the floor. Admit it and use the people on your team and trust in them. Next time you feel yourself panicking that you don't know something, take a breath and say 'I'll need to have a think. Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions?'

That's a fairly large piece of feedback to leave you with. Did he have any suggestions for support/development?

But I bet you were prepared for the actual presentation he was talking about? Not being ready for it before time is fine and so you got anxious and waffled a bit, honestly that’s ok and lots of people do it, it takes experience to say actually I haven’t had chance to do that yet when you’ve started a job and he should realise that and remember what it was like. Of course you’re nervous and trying to impress you can’t walk in there like you’ve been doing it for years when you haven’t.

Are you prepared for the presentation tomorrow? Has meeting a new client been ok before?

Can you think of a person you know professionally or personally who has a nice way with people and could you borrow a few of those ways to use? I don’t mean pretending to be someone else but using a few of their habits.

So, try to be consistently pleasant and smile regularly. Try to inject some warmth into your voice ( listen to radio or tv presenters?). Listen actively, say thanks, don’t try to be perfect.

Perhaps follow up by asking for a further review in a month or so? For other ideas perhaps look for relevant TED talks?

Good luck and congratulations on your success and your determination to succeed.

OP, first look at the positives - you asked for feedback, that in itself is a big plus, it shows you're keen to take on board feedback. Many aren't. You were told you were doing well and your boss is happy with your performance. If he/she wasn't, you WOULD know about it!

I'm introverted and get anxiety - but been a manager for about 20 years, from team leader to 'Head of....'. My first role I was chucked in at the deep end, and somehow managed to wing it. Yes, I developed a mask too, it's how I have survived over the years - I consider myself an actor in the office, I put my mask on and take it off when I leave! But the real me is in there somewhere too. If someone comes to me to 'make me aware' of something and I haven't a clue what they're talking about, I inwardly squirm, and outwardly smile brightly and ask "and is that something I need to be worried about?" - and let them explain to me.

Same with presenting, sounds like you might feel a bit awkward sometimes? Spend time getting to know your subject, then - even on a run-through - get on your feet, up the front, and go for it. I dread presenting - but then love it once I start! I'm on my feet, I wave my arms around, I pace the floor, I know my subject matter, and make everyone think I'm having a ball. Despite being desperately shy, presenting has turned into one of my strengths. (at my last interview, having 'strutted my stuff' at the front, I sat back down for more questions, and answered the inevitable 'what is your weakness' question with "I'm shy" - at which point the chap who is now my big BIG boss, burst out laughing and said "Well you could have fooled me!!")

Lastly, ask about a mentor. Someone totally different to your boss. Different department if you can. Someone you can respect, with experience, who can give you honest constructive feedback, and advice. I mentor - and have a mentor myself (and we do all our meetings in a nearby bar, over a glass of wine!). Its not a sign of weakness (especially if you suggest it and seek out someone yourself, rather than have it suggested by your boss), it's a sign you want to get the most out of your career. Reading what you've written, I think you could get a lot out of it, if you pick the right person. Just approach them, and ask would they be willing to be your mentor - 9 times out of 10 they will jump at the chance.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, nothing you've been told should be a deal-breaker. Take the feedback you've received as opportunities to improve on what you are already doing well, and go for it!

It's unfair of him to land this on you with no outline of some kind of support.

You're young, you're in your first senior role of course you're going to have some development to do. You're doing amazing well, try not to let this be a set back.

You need to know your manager has your back and will support you and give, sensitive, appropriate feedback. A mentor is a great idea, explore that. You mention waiting lists for CBT, does your company offer any kind of employee assistance programme? They may be able to provide something.

I'd interpret 'well don't' as 'don't feel like an impostor, you're the real deal'.

I agree, ask him for some suitable training of resources for managers that covers this sort of thing. Do you also get positive feedback from him about things you've done? If not, maybe suggest that could be helpful for building your confidence.

It is worth trying to remember that he's trying to tell you that you are competent and good at your job. He clearly has confidence in you and wants you to succeed.