To Ask What My Manager Meant?

[Mumbojumbob]

Today I asked my line manager for feedback (I’m in 3 months probation in my first senior role) and his general words were:

‘Really happy with your work and performance. I’ve been meaning actually to get some time with you, we’ll go off site and have a chat about other things’

I asked ‘oh ok, are there things we need to chat about?’

‘Yeah, it’s just some development points and we’ll go off site so we can have a proper chat about it. It’s some points about interaction with the team and how we can work on that. It’s some points for development that you can work on’

I said ok and that’s fine, we’ll put some time in etc but now I’m in a flap.

For reference, I’m socially awkward and this is a very senior role and a big step up from my previous roles.

I’m now running over every interaction I’ve had at work and analysing how professional/ unprofessional I’ve been and who I’ve possibly pissed off etc etc.

Things that conflate the situation:
I have generalised anxiety disorder

This week has been very stressful and I’m uneven mentally because of that.

I feel unsteady at the moment because I’m desperate to do well in the role

I think I’ve been too loud/ too ‘up’ and too jokey in the office but have no way to gauge if this is the case.

I might have been too keen to point out errors on things from previous teams

I may have celebrated too much when things go well or talked about it too much

I could have been too short/ snippy with someone

I could come off as cold sometimes to people

I’m always busy and have a lot on. People are very aware of this which could make me unapproachable

I may have been too friendly with junior staff on my team (not in an in appropriate way!)

I may not have been friendly enough with the other teams

It just might be really obvious I’m not ready for this role and he’s going to demote me (this is my biggest fear)

All of the above.


There’s no time to get together before next week so I now have that pit of the stomach anxiety about it. Something like this wouldn’t trigger me unless I was feeling unsteady in the first place, so that’s a factor.

Wibu to talk to him on Monday and ask him what it is specifically I need to work on? I’m now scared to speak normally in case that’s the thing that’s flagging up to him

This isn’t normal, is it?

[Haireverywhere]

100cuts why can't you let it go. Searching for all that background on the OP is so odd even though it's the internet. Stop trying to identify people.

[100cuts]

The irony!

I don’t think you understand how the internet works with regard to anonymity.

Anyway. My point was actually that from a comparison, it’s exceptionally likely that the threads were started by the same person. Same medical issues, job titles, posting style, age, locations etc. The dates of different jobs, the salaries, all match up.

When I first suggested that you read the other thread back, it was because the energy and support given on that thread was so positive that it might help you not feel the imposter syndrome now. That thread was feted as inspirational reading for all women and many posters were showing the thread to their daughters.

[Bluntness100]

Ah ok, I didn't see the thread, but when the poster posted I guess that's the risk you take, someone you know sees it.

[Mumbojumbob]

bluntness because I read the thread 100cuts posted and wouldn’t have found it or known about it if she hadn’t been trying to be ms marple. She knew it was someone a similar age, level and industry to me who works in a similar area of the country, so good chance I’d know who it was. As it happens, I do know who it is and I’ve been wondering what happened to her when she left. Now I know, I’m not going to ‘do’ anything with the information, but I’m one of the people she wouldn’t want to be outed to just because of our relationship/ who we both are in relation to each other.

Thanks @MNHQ

[Bluntness100]

you’ve just made this thread identifiable by posting my industry and now I’m going to have to request the thread is deleted

But that info was already out there on mumsnet. I don't understand the issue here. How has some other woman been outed?

[mostdays]

The reason being you're considering doing something about your suspicion? Because, again, that's the only way this thread could harm her at all. Unless you are planning anything, there is no potential issue for her, and your insisting otherwise comes across very oddly indeed.

Anyway, off now, this thread has taken a bit of a strange turn...

[Mumbojumbob]

mostdays I said potentially for a reason.

[Mumbojumbob]

lottie yes, 100cuts advance searched me, found another thread where I mentioned my industry and my salary band then put 2 and 2 together and made 36. Then decided to post details on this thread like a triumphant ms marple instead of taking a breath and considering how that might impact me.

[mostdays]

if it is the person I’m thinking about, you’ve potentially caused her some issues with her old company by identifying her

How can that be? Unless you are planning to act on your belief that you know how she is. Her old company aren't going to suddenly know she's posted on mn about her issues, are they?

[Twillow]

Calm down, you asked for feedback and the fact that he wants to take you off-site just sounds supportive to me.
Think about the 'constructive feedback' you might give to others on your team. There will be some for everyone, won't there. None of us is perfect and that's how it should be, always something to work on.

[Haireverywhere]

MN guidance asks us not to refer to other threads for that exact reason. I'm sorry you've potentially been outed OP.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh dear. I was going to say that you could just have said 'no, not similar to me at all'. But you mean the post at 12:15:39 is information collated by advanced searching you? That's not very cool.

[Mumbojumbob]

That thread is from months and months ago, I’d never have seen it if it hadn’t been pointed out.

Even if I had, to advance search me to find my salary, industry etc then post details of it on this thread is really poor form, you’ve just made this thread identifiable by posting my industry and now I’m going to have to request the thread is deleted, which is horrible because it’s been pretty much my only source of support the last couple of days.

Exactly what I needed right now, cheers for that.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Huh? That's a thread on a public website. The same one you use OP. You could easily have come across that thread all by yourself. No-one's been 'identified' to you. If you do know the poster, that's chance. No harm has been done, unless you do it.

[Mumbojumbob]

If you know it’s an Americanism, you clearly know exactly what it means.

You have identified someone, because by pointing me to that thread I’ve now got my suspicions (pretty much certain) that she’s someone I know. She isn’t in the same field as me but we’ve worked parallel to each other for a while.

Title case is perfectly normal, there’s currently 7 threads on my active list that use it.

I’m still waiting for a reply to my PM but I’m 99% sure it’s her.

[100cuts]

It's also interesting how both thread titles capitalise the first letter of each word. It's a very unusual stylistic trait for MN.

[100cuts]

I haven't identified anyone at all (how could I?). Everything one posts on Mumsnet is publicly searchable and accessible.

I don't know what the Americanism "call someone out" means.

I'm glad you are now in touch with someone who may be a career mentor for you.

[Mumbojumbob]

PM’d her, I actually think I know who she is although if it is who I’m thinking she works for an agency we’re sort of in competition with.

100cuts you might want to get your posts deleted, you’ve kind of called someone out and if it is the person I’m thinking about, you’ve potentially caused her some issues with her old company by identifying her.

It’s also bad form really.

[Mumbojumbob]

100 I’m not the same poster, kind of wish I had her confidence!

[whatwillbewillbe03]

I think you are focusing too much on the negatives.

I love getting criticism in any aspect of my life. It helps me grow as a person and most of the time make life better in the long run.

You are doing well at your job i think you just need to start believing in yourself, you can do the job you are employed to do. If you start believing it the facade will come away and he's saying that's when you are at your best.

Do not be embarrassed. We should all be told, in a constructive way, how we can improve. Nobody is perfect.