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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad and dissappointed with myself.

61 replies

Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 17:45

Named changed. Not sure whyou really.

Aged 28

2 kids aged 3 and 8

8 year old fine. 3 year old disabled and under lots of investigations for Neurological problems. Investigations genes etc...constant tests and apponlent d waiting for results. 3 year old nearly died 12 months ago and ended up in a coma. I saved his life until paramedics arrived yet breathing for him and CPR.

It happen again in April and me and DH had to go over it all again.

Seems ok now but it's hell when my phone ring at work. I think the worst.

Anyway there is other stuff etc but I'm sad because by now I thought I would have been back at university. I'm ready but not ready. I'm too stressed. We still havnt got answers to why DS is having these neurological problems and we just have to keep waiting. It's hard seeing him struggle but yet he is also a happy little sociable boy who is so cute in his walking frame.

I just need people to tell me what I already know. I have time to go back to uni..I want to be an Early years teacher. I have cut down hours and responsibilities at work to care for DS and to also care for my mental health.

Everyone around me and my age though is upping their game and getting somewhere in their career. They are doing degrees...doing more hours at work. Not me...I'm doing the opposite.

I so want to be something by the time I'm in my middle thirties and I feel so low that people around me are and all i do is care for my son.

I'm turning into a nobody when I would have hoped by now I was beginning to be a somebody. I hate myself for being so weak and stressed that I can't go to uni and add more stress to how I feel. I'm a lazy cow who's not hacking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 17:48

I'm wasting my days but how can I go to uni with no answers?

Me and DH have discussed having another child to extend the family unit. That might take my mind of everyone doing more then me.

OP posts:
newplacenofriends · 27/09/2018 17:48

OP you sound like an incredible woman who should be so proud of herself! don't put yourself down and don't be dissapointed.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/09/2018 17:50

you are not a failure, or a 'lazy cow.'
you sound to me like a fantastic mum.

have you considered doing an online course? not sure if there are ones for teaching but it may be worth a look? that way you could work from home which may prove less stressful than having to go into the uni?

all the best to you xx

Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 17:51

Last October I did what any other mum or human being would do. He had a seizure and stopped breathing so I breathed for him and gave him chest compressions until the ambulance arrived.

I'm not amazing. Just had human instincts. Now everyone is doing a degree or what ever and I'm doing nothing to better myself.

OP posts:
FrederickCreeding · 27/09/2018 17:52

You're being way too harsh on yourself! You're amazing. You're clearly a caring mum and you saved your son's life! The very opposite of a 'nobody'

I do get the frustration about not being able to do what you want to do. What degree course are you thinking of? Could you do a degree through the OU so that can you still be around for your son? Then in a few years.you'd just have to do the one year PGCE and you might be in a better position? If you were planning an education degree which involves lots of teaching places from the start then I get that it's not practical at the moment. But definitely worth looking into the alternatives - esp if the end result is the same?

SinkGirl · 27/09/2018 17:52

Sending hugs and Flowers OP

One of my twins also has a lot of complex health issues, lots of investigations going on, no real answers yet. They’re just 2. There’s no way on earth I could do a degree right now, my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof.

You have plenty of time - you’re not even 30 yet. Things will get easier when your child starts school. Personally I would wait until things settle a bit. I’d also look into some treatment for PTSD if you can - I know how terrifying it has been for me at times with my son and I haven’t had to deal with anything that terrifying in comparison.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 27/09/2018 17:53

This sounds really difficult and so stressful Sad

But you are not defined by what you do (or don’t do) for work. Other people’s successes are not your failures. And there is so much more to all of us, including you, than whether we have a degree or how many hours we work. To look after your son and to manage to work is an amazing achievement, be proud of yourself! A career change might not be feasible right now, that doesn’t make you a ‘lazy cow’, please don’t put yourself down like that as it’s absolutely not true.

Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 17:53

What if I started a degree tho and he got poorly again.

I would have to take a student loan out.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2018 17:54

YANBU to feel sad and disappointed with your situation and your DS’s illness. That’s beyond distressing.

YabVVU to feel disappointed with yourself. It is entirely beyond your control and in no way would you do yourself justice at uni when your DC needs are so great.

I’ve no doubt you will get where you want to be. The path won’t be the one you expected to take you there.

Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 17:54

Thank you everyone. People can be so kind.

OP posts:
WhataLovelyPear · 27/09/2018 17:55

You are definitely "somebody" to your family. Don't beat yourself up because your success is not what you thought it would be when you were young and naive. You saved your son's life - that's a massive success!

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/09/2018 17:56

No, you’re keeping your child alive, providing a solid family home for both children and living with a huge degree of uncertainty. Much, much harder than studying - I can’t imagine how you’d find the headspace just now to study. You’ve got lots of time ahead of you. I started my degree course when I was 38 so 10 years older than you - changed career and am doing very well by all accounts, time is on your side.

I wonder in 5-10 years time whether you’ll look back and be glad you prioritised your child’s health or whether you’ll wish you had studied for that degree?

Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 17:56

Do people newly qualifiy as teachers in their late 30s?

I can cope with this thought. It's just never doing it that hurts.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 27/09/2018 17:58

My degree was in social work but I know 3 people who qualified as teachers as mature students in their 40s so it’s not beyond the realms.

mimibunz · 27/09/2018 17:58

You are an amazing mum and person. For now, the most important thing is to take care of your babies. There will be time for everything else. I know it doesn’t seem like it but 28 is still so young. You have so much life ahead of you! Go easy on yourself, take the help that’s offered and don’t forget to help others. Flowers

Haberpop · 27/09/2018 18:01

OK so imagine you were on the outside looking in, would you tell the mum in your situation she was lazy because I know I wouldn't. I used to work with a small child who had regular respiratory arrests and, as much as I loved working with that child, my heart was often in my mouth at the thought of what might happen.

Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 18:03

Tbh I'm not sure what I want to do - I just know that I don't want to stay where I am.

Deep down I know 28 is young and in a few years I could be in a different position. I just get really fed up when people around me are doing what I would love to do. It hurts me. I even know that one of the people is very smug. Their child is the same age as DS but yet they are now flying high while I'm weighed down.

Thanks again for your responces. I am reading each one carefully Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 18:05

Please don't think I resent my DS. I spend every waking hour helping him develop and learn and fighting his Corner with what ever obstacles come. I feel guilty. If I could swap places with him I'd do it today.

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 27/09/2018 18:12

My DM newly qualified as a teacher in her 50s OP so you have plenty of time yet Smile

vickyh22 · 27/09/2018 18:12

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! Rest assured you are not alone! I'm
31 with 3 children and I don't have a great career - like you I feel like I've achieved nothing! I think we all compare our lives to other people's in some way or another!
Would going back to uni cause you more stress right now? Do you need more stress at the moment? You sound like your doing an amazing job caring for your children! Plus your little one is still only 3 and 28 Is not old! Please cut yourself some slack! When your in a better place mentally then you can focus on uni!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/09/2018 18:14

Some of the best teachers I know qualified after studying as mature students. I think having a bit of life experience helps, iyswim. You sound great, OP, try not to let this be a huge headache for you unmumsnetty hugs

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 27/09/2018 18:15

I know a former investment banker that retrained as a teacher in his 40s. And I have 2 friends whose mums retrained as maths teachers wheh we were teens, so they were probably late 30s/early 40s; they’d both accountants before taking a long break to stay at home with the children. So just because it’s not the right time for you right now doesn’t mean you have to give up on your goal.

dontcallmelen · 27/09/2018 18:16

Saton you are way to hard on yourself, tbh I think what you are doing at the moment is more important than university you are caring for children that really need you.
You are clearly very very capable & you have time on your side to further your career & be what ever you want to be, your time will come be proud of your achievements now & in the future 💐

closedcircuit · 27/09/2018 18:17

You're not worth less just because you're not doing what everyone else is doing.

FlowersCakeBrew for you over how ridiculously stressful it is to take care of DS with no answers. I really hope you get some soon.

Try and take a little time to do something for yourself (hobby/regular meetup with friends) as that'll be a lot more therapeutic when you need to take your mind off it all.

Original poster
Satonsofasad · 27/09/2018 18:18

Uni would cause lots of stress and I'm worried about starting and then feeling like I can't go on.

It's a shame but I am feeling better after all your comments. I also feel now I have a son with additional needs I could end up studying subjects in this field which would have never occurred to me before having my DS. I have so much empathy now for children with dissabilities.

Life is such a bloody strange thing.

OP posts: