Sad and dissappointed with myself.

[Satonsofasad]

Named changed. Not sure whyou really.

Aged 28

2 kids aged 3 and 8

8 year old fine. 3 year old disabled and under lots of investigations for Neurological problems. Investigations genes etc...constant tests and apponlent d waiting for results. 3 year old nearly died 12 months ago and ended up in a coma. I saved his life until paramedics arrived yet breathing for him and CPR.

It happen again in April and me and DH had to go over it all again.

Seems ok now but it's hell when my phone ring at work. I think the worst.

Anyway there is other stuff etc but I'm sad because by now I thought I would have been back at university. I'm ready but not ready. I'm too stressed. We still havnt got answers to why DS is having these neurological problems and we just have to keep waiting. It's hard seeing him struggle but yet he is also a happy little sociable boy who is so cute in his walking frame.

I just need people to tell me what I already know. I have time to go back to uni..I want to be an Early years teacher. I have cut down hours and responsibilities at work to care for DS and to also care for my mental health.

Everyone around me and my age though is upping their game and getting somewhere in their career. They are doing degrees...doing more hours at work. Not me...I'm doing the opposite.

I so want to be something by the time I'm in my middle thirties and I feel so low that people around me are and all i do is care for my son.

I'm turning into a nobody when I would have hoped by now I was beginning to be a somebody. I hate myself for being so weak and stressed that I can't go to uni and add more stress to how I feel. I'm a lazy cow who's not hacking it.

As a pp said - it'll just be a different path - slower maybe, but perhaps a more enriching one. I have my autistic child to thank for inspiring me on my career path. I love my work with disabled children - and parents know I can empathise and give support. Please look for support in your area (.gov website is a good start) There's other amazing mums out there who have a lot in common with you.

I’m sorry you feel this way. You aren’t alone. Ivf and subsequent Pregnancy trashed my health. I’m disabled now. I spend most of my time watching tv, web browsing and mumsnetting. It’s hard. I wish I had the energy to do things. No one understands. I am able to walk in the morning and meet friends. They talk about their weekend and I make things up. Eg I think we will go out for a drive and a nice coffee and a bit of cake somewhere or we stayed at home because dd was poorly.

No one wants to hear or understand that I did fa and I could barely stand to cook. Dh had to pull me up x number of times and help me up the stairs. I did a tiny bit of decorating today and I have blisters as I don’t use my hands and my wrist is killing me because my muscles have atrophied. People can’t wrap their heads around me having to be in bed all day when they’ve just seen me walk for 20 minutes a few days earlier. Weekends are for recovering so that I am able to do the walk.

And I forgot to say my friend is an nqt. She’s mid 40’s.

Our worth is not defined by our careers or qualifications.

It is hard to give yourself the credit you deserve because the world we live in only rewards the above. But your two dc are the most important things in the world, and your job looking after them is the most important thing in the world - and more so for the challenges you face.

Many mothers can suffer a feeling of loss of identity; I don’t have your challenges but I also feel my peers have gone ahead in their careers whereas I have stagnated. But I realise that looking after my dc is invaluable - I believe it myself even if other people don’t.

I am glad that out there there are 2 dc with such a lovely mum, and certainly not a ‘lazy cow’. Your later life will give you plenty of opportunities.

OP do you think you could be struggling a bit with your mental health due to the trauma of what your son has been through?

I only say this because my dd was very ill at birth and nearly died when she was 2, and everything I had kept inside from her birth snowballed after the 2nd illness and I was extremely traumatised looking back. At the time I plowed through it, carried on working, started a degree, moved house! I was constantly on the go trying to prove something to someone.

Years on I can see it was a MH crisis of sorts. I was sick of people telling me how brave and strong I was, I wanted them to think how successful I was, or how educated, anything other than pity for the mum who's kid is so sick.

You don't need to, I promise

I think you are way too harsh on yourself. I get that you want to have a career and gain qualifications but sometimes you have to put kids first - and that is a totally worthwhile and fantastic thing to do! Your kids sound like they need you - they need their appointments chased, someone to take them, someone to look after them when they get sick, Some kids grow up and hardly ever need complete and full attention (in that sense) but sometimes when they are really ill and it's longer term we have to be there and fight their corner for them and that's what you are doing now. Please value what you are doing for your children - because it's priceless. Hugs.

and hugs OP

You are doing marvellously. Think about the OU - you could do a degree gradually. Sending you lots of love and support xx

You're doing the most amazing and important job already, but I get that you want something for yourself. Could you do an open university degree , which would be more flexible then in a few years when things are more settled do a pgce? The OU allows you to take time out, only pay for modules you can take etc

OP just stop, your not a 'nobody' you are a bloody wonderful mummy to your kids, and what you are going through is enough. Please do not think everyone around is leaving you behind, you are nursing a very ill child, I tell you this not many parents could do that at all.

Give yourself a break. Your doing a fantastic job,

Can you request a carer’s assessment? It sounds like you could do with some respite care?

You sound like an incredible human. And when you have time and headspace to enhance your career, then young people will be truly lucky to have you as a teacher.

My grandmother became a teacher later in life. She graduated from university the same year as my mum, her daughter. She couldn’t have done it before, but wow she was so good at it once she was able.