Hi all, just looking for some advice.
My girlfriend and I are in a same sex relationship and have been for 8 years.
We are fully open to everyone in both families - except my partner’s elderly aunt. This aunt basically part-raised my DP, and they were close, but aunt is very old and lives 50 miles away. She is quite traditional and the topic has just never needed to come up. Aunt knows me, is very nice to me - - and surely must suspect a bit - - .
My DP sees her fairly often, me less so. When we see her together it’s always in a context where the issue of who is with whom isn’t relevant (eg tea and cakes on a Sunday afternoon).
Everyone else in DP’s family knows we are together (parents, etc) and are extremely supportive. But there is a bit of an unspoken rule that we won’t mention to Auntie X that we are together. Nobody ever suggested this (eg GF never said “Don’t tell auntie”, MIL never said “Pretend to be straight”). It just happened. (I can honestly say that this has never really bothered me and I have just gone along with it, as it’s never caused us any material problems - until now that is.)
Fast forward to now and it’s about to become an issue. PILs kindly treat us all to a family holiday between Christmas and New Year (UK city break-type thing). Usually it is PILs, us two, GF’s DB and his wife and their one year old DD. I really really look forward to these as we all get on so well. Recently we were both invited to the 2018 one, and the date is in the diary.
Auntie has also been invited along this year. Fine by me, it’s up to PILs. Also I quite like Auntie X, she is a bit traditional but she is also good fun. MIL clearly doesn’t think it will matter that we are all there together, as when she invited me she said “Auntie X is coming” in the same message and nothing more was said. Me and DP are discreet anyway in front of family, we don’t kiss and cuddle or anything. In previous years other family members have brought along friends etc – the family is very sociable, so it’s totally normal for people who aren’t partners to come along and for this set-up not to be questioned.
My gf, however, is now freaking out. She said that “there might be a problem as Auntie X is invited”, and said that we (me and GF) need to discuss it in the coming days. I think she’s going to tell me that she doesn’t want to come out to Auntie, and that if we go we’ll have to sleep in separate rooms or something (not really possible as there are already plenty of people going). I have a horrible feeling she’s going to tell me she wants me to stay away.
Any advice? The following thoughts are floating around my head…
It’s their family, not mine. At the end of the day, I guess I have to let DP decide for that reason?
On the one hand I sort of understand – it’s something a lot of gay people have thought from time to time. I’ve stayed in the closet in some circumstances before so I’d be being hypocritical if I said everybody had to be out and proud all the time. Sometimes it is just easier to not take the risk and maybe this is one of those times.
The thought of not going, though, makes me sad, because we all love going on this trip and I feel a close bond with them all. I would be so upset if DP goes on this and leaves me behind, I really would be. The image of everybody else (including DP’s brother’s wife) all being able to go because they’re straight and I’m not actually makes me want to cry.
Also, auntie is in excellent health and isn’t mega old by modern standards. She could well live another 15 years. If we ever decide to get married or have kids, what will happen then? Will DP want us to put it off indefinitely?
Thanks for reading.