My same-sex girlfriend *maybe* wants me to avoid family event because she’s not out to older aunt. AIBU?

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Hi all, just looking for some advice.

My girlfriend and I are in a same sex relationship and have been for 8 years.

We are fully open to everyone in both families - except my partner’s elderly aunt. This aunt basically part-raised my DP, and they were close, but aunt is very old and lives 50 miles away. She is quite traditional and the topic has just never needed to come up. Aunt knows me, is very nice to me - - and surely must suspect a bit - - .

My DP sees her fairly often, me less so. When we see her together it’s always in a context where the issue of who is with whom isn’t relevant (eg tea and cakes on a Sunday afternoon).

Everyone else in DP’s family knows we are together (parents, etc) and are extremely supportive. But there is a bit of an unspoken rule that we won’t mention to Auntie X that we are together. Nobody ever suggested this (eg GF never said “Don’t tell auntie”, MIL never said “Pretend to be straight”). It just happened. (I can honestly say that this has never really bothered me and I have just gone along with it, as it’s never caused us any material problems - until now that is.)

Fast forward to now and it’s about to become an issue. PILs kindly treat us all to a family holiday between Christmas and New Year (UK city break-type thing). Usually it is PILs, us two, GF’s DB and his wife and their one year old DD. I really really look forward to these as we all get on so well. Recently we were both invited to the 2018 one, and the date is in the diary.

Auntie has also been invited along this year. Fine by me, it’s up to PILs. Also I quite like Auntie X, she is a bit traditional but she is also good fun. MIL clearly doesn’t think it will matter that we are all there together, as when she invited me she said “Auntie X is coming” in the same message and nothing more was said. Me and DP are discreet anyway in front of family, we don’t kiss and cuddle or anything. In previous years other family members have brought along friends etc – the family is very sociable, so it’s totally normal for people who aren’t partners to come along and for this set-up not to be questioned.

My gf, however, is now freaking out. She said that “there might be a problem as Auntie X is invited”, and said that we (me and GF) need to discuss it in the coming days. I think she’s going to tell me that she doesn’t want to come out to Auntie, and that if we go we’ll have to sleep in separate rooms or something (not really possible as there are already plenty of people going). I have a horrible feeling she’s going to tell me she wants me to stay away.

Any advice? The following thoughts are floating around my head…

It’s their family, not mine. At the end of the day, I guess I have to let DP decide for that reason?
On the one hand I sort of understand – it’s something a lot of gay people have thought from time to time. I’ve stayed in the closet in some circumstances before so I’d be being hypocritical if I said everybody had to be out and proud all the time. Sometimes it is just easier to not take the risk and maybe this is one of those times.
The thought of not going, though, makes me sad, because we all love going on this trip and I feel a close bond with them all. I would be so upset if DP goes on this and leaves me behind, I really would be. The image of everybody else (including DP’s brother’s wife) all being able to go because they’re straight and I’m not actually makes me want to cry.
Also, auntie is in excellent health and isn’t mega old by modern standards. She could well live another 15 years. If we ever decide to get married or have kids, what will happen then? Will DP want us to put it off indefinitely?

Thanks for reading.

No age isn’t an excuse for homophobia but Auntie X grew up in a time and lived a fair few years as a young adult seeing males being imprisoned for having sex with one another.

It stopped being illegal when she would have been in her 30s, 50 years ago. How long do you suggest giving people to get over homophobia?

People of 84 may be old but they do know about these things ! I'm sure that Auntie would already know, and would wonder why you haven't said anything to her about it.

I think it would be sad if you didn't go together. To be honest, even if there is a remote chance that Auntie doesn't already know the situation, you and DP could still go on holidays together if you were "just good friends" , and plenty of friends room together on holidays . If Auntie is that innocent, she'd probably put it down to "two friends sharing a room" . As long as you just act like your nice normal selves, I'm sure Auntie will be fine about it, whether she knows or not.

I really don't see why it should be an issue.

You just carry on as normal, share a room. It's no-one's business what goes on in there but you and your GF.

Doesn't require discussion or explanation.

No one would think anything of two adult female friends sharing a bed (especially if there's no extra rooms due to space) and I assume neither of you will be all over each other in front of everyone, not because your both a same-sex couple but because your adults.

The holiday is manageable, she's worrying over nothing really.

It's up to her if she comes out or not so my opinion on that is irrelevant but for what it's worth no one should ever feel they can't be open about their partner or sexuality.

You are right though about long term plans. How will you both be able to marry or have children.

I am friends with a lovely woman Iv always known her as gay and married to her wife but recently told me she wasn't out to her parents even long after she met her equally lovely wife. for years they were "friends" to her parents but partners to everyone else it wasn't until after both of them died that they married and only then that her brother found out she was gay and sally (not real name) was more than a friend. It was sad to hear her talk about hiding such an important part of her life.

DH's grandmother lived to 93 and with a strong conviction that her one beloved granddaughter was gay and regretting that the granddaughter didn't feel comfortable to come out to the family.

That said, I've never been in the position of wondering how people will react and how it might change a relationship.

Age isn’t an excuse for homophobia.

There’s actually no hint in the OP that the aunt is homophobic.

OP says she is known in the family for having “traditional” views, which I interpreted to mean prejudiced. But perhaps she’s not at all bothered, or wouldn’t be, and the family are making ageist assumptions!

But even if she is homophobic OP shouldn’t be expected to lie.

If OP was black and her gf white, for example, would it be OK to pussyfoot around a racist family member?

I absolutely would not countenance a twin room. That's simply enforcing the idea that your relationship is something to be ashamed of. This comes down to who your partner respects more. There's no need to even mention it to aunty.

This is only an issue if someone makes it an issue. If she does, deal with her response to it then. You could be surprised. Not that it should make a difference but I'm also a lesbian with a family FILLED with homophobes.

Having “Traditional views” isn’t the same as being homophobic though.

I'm not really sure I understand what "traditional" is being used to mean here. I've heard it used as a euphemism for somebody who makes nasty, bigoted comments. I've also heard it used just to mean elderly or of a different generation to the speaker/writer.

Do you mean either of those? Or something else?

Because unless you mean the first one, I'm not sure why everybody concerned is so convinced she'd take issue with it.

Thinking of my grandparents who were in their 90s, and who I would put in the latter category above, I think their mindset would have been more not to pry or fuss (so would have been vanishingly unlikely to have ever brought it up themselves if they'd realised), but equally to be accepting without even considering there might be any other option besides acceptance. If that makes sense.

I feel for you both. It's a tough situation, so I hope you're able to find a resolution that doesn't cause either of you heartache.

She totally knows.

If your GF has any concerns she should speak to her before and mention you will be coming along and hope she won’t be shocked that you will be sharing a room. It will bring the elephant into the open at last.

Agree that you can’t move forwards unless there are no secrets and sometimes that might involve some tricky conversations. However, if the aunt was a bigot I’m sure you’d have all noticed by now and not like her anyway.

Al of those thinking about auntie I think the real issue here is the internalised homophobia most of us have, and the fact that things aren't as easy as some would like to claim. I know so many lesbian and gay couples who are totally 'discreet' in a way that hardly any straight couples are, because they are worried what families might say, or because of the very real worry they might get attacked in the street. Even if those aren't actual possibilities, there is still that little voice in your head saying 'don't give gf a cuddle, relative of choice will be embarrassed/confused/ask questions'.

What you do about that is your choice, but I totally understand your gfs concern that 'something' might happen and that it will be her fault if it does, if she fails to be a good girl and 'be discreet'. The female socialization and the internalized homophobia run deep. After umpteen years of marriage and being out to everybody, I still get that little voice every time I mention 'my wife', and I'm looking to see how my hearer reacts. It isn't always totally simple, and it does involve issue that most straight couples don't have to deal with (although I seem to recall news stories about unmarried couples not being allowed to sleep together with some religious parents, even when there are children etc).

"I really don't see why it should be an issue."
Gosh, all of four years since we could get married, and some people still think it magically isn't an issue? It jolly well is, just as it is for many couples who aren't the same sex/aren't the same religion/different ethnicity/different ages/northerners marrying southerners, and lets not get into marriage across football divides................

But it is your choice what you decide to do about it.

You’re making an awful lot of assumptions about this poor aunt.
She may be perfectly ok with you being gay- you’ve never asked her!
Surely you just go on the holiday. Auntie is not going to march into your bedroom to see if you’re in a double bed and then grill you about your sex life, for heaven’s sake!
Straight people don’t discuss their sex life and sleeping arrangements with their aunt, and there’s no need for you to either.
If she asks you outright - which would be rude, intrusive and odd - you can simply tell her the truth. As she is just a fellow guest and not in her own house at the time, she will have to acquiesce in the accommodation arrangements made by your hosts - she can hardly raise objections.
I think your DP is over thinking all this and “writing speech bubbles” for your aunt in advance, without knowing her actual views.
Talk it over with DP, but I think it’s a non problem.

I don't understand all the suggestions that Aunt is homophobic given that there is no suggestion that she is. IME elderly people are often really quite robust and fully accepting about homosexuality, precisely because they were aware of and didnt't agree with the persecution of gay people in the past. I can remember having an interesting discussion with a family friend in her 80s about how disgraceful the treatment of Alan Turing was; and only last weekend I was chatting to my 90 year old mother when she was completely agreeing how a certain elderly pop star really might as well come out as he isn't fooling anyone and no-one is going to turn a hair about it.

Oh OP this must be really tough for you. I know my privilege being straight and never having to have these worries so you have my complete support and sympathy

Can you say a bit more about what you mean by 'Traditional'? Has she ever said anything outwardly against gay people?

I'm not sure if she knows or not, she might or it may be one of those situations where she doesn't even think a woman could be gay if that makes sense. There is a lot more of male homosexuality in the media, press, etc than female, and it might be that she just thinks you're close friends.

If she's as close to your DP as you say she is, I think it would be such a shame if you didn't go.

Good grief , there's a fair chance Aunt is gay herself. I know sex was invented in the early 60s but you'd be astonished what went on even before that. Look up the Ladies of Llangollen.

Wow, you sound like a really kind and considerate person and GF OP. I think after 8 years, you can totally refer to in laws as family, married or not. I hope you have a lovely break with your family. Whether you brief Aunty in advance or not, if she knows or not, I don't think it matters. It's your family, look forward to it and enjoy xx

Hi all - thanks for the advice.

@SomeDyke - thanks a lot for your comment, a lot of it made sense to me. This issue is not 100% about the auntie, it's about how DP (and I) feel. That's the thing we need to focus on when we chat about it.

To those asking what I mean about "traditional" - good question. As far as I know, there have never been any explicit homophobic remarks from her. I agree with PP that this is a sign that she may be OK with it.

However, there are other indicators that she can take views which are prejudiced to some degree. She has a number of particular political perspectives which are old-fashioned and oriented towards the value of traditional families. She doesn't hesitate to criticise people based on personal characteristics or decisions: for example, she was recently quite vociferous and highly personal about people who are overweight.

While I agree that I may be being unfair to assume that this will necessarily extend to homophobia, these statements and opinions do unfortunately mean that it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she would make a prejudiced judgment. I do think that these things operate on a subtle level, and more often than not assumptions like this turn out to be right. (I would love to be proven wrong by her, and if it comes to that I really hope I am!)

Thanks again to everyone, this thread has helped me clarify my thoughts quite a bit. Xx

@Toofle I promise you that it's highly unlikely Auntie is secretly gay! But I take your point.

Just had a read about the Ladies of Llangollen - what a great story. I had no idea. I visited Llangollen once and it was lovely - wish I'd known and gone to the house. I read it's now a museum.

If friends usually come along anyway, it’s not going to be remarked upon. So the holiday is a red herring - Auntie isn’t going to be hanging out in your room analysing the sleeping arrangements.

The wider question is whether if you wanted to get married or have DC your DP would feel she couldn’t because of Auntie X. I’d be worried about that, personally.

I do agree with this, though:

Thinking of my grandparents who were in their 90s, and who I would put in the latter category above, I think their mindset would have been more not to pry or fuss (so would have been vanishingly unlikely to have ever brought it up themselves if they'd realised)

If Auntie who is known for being forthright about things has never cast any opinions in the direction if your relationship over 8 years, I assume she’s of the “least said soonest mended” school of thought even if she doesn’t approve.

@DunkerOfSussex - This is a very good point which I hadn't thought of. Partner's DB and wife are definitely not the sort to skirt around things or hush them up, in fact they are the opposite and are very open with this sort of thing. So it is only a matter of time.

I think I understand your partner's reluctance a little bit.

It's easier to say "it'll probably be fine" and take the risk when it's not your family.

From her perspective, she's not just worried about how auntie will react, but also how all the rest of the family will react if she has "unnecessarily" upset or annoyed auntie, or if it's "her fault" that auntie is upset and the atmosphere of the event is "ruined".

Lots of quote marks there because we (and you) can see that it wouldn't be her fault. But her family might not be reasonable enough to see it that way.

I'm not saying that I think it's right to hide it, only that I can understand why your partner might think that's the easiest option.
I hope you work it out together.

@Trills - thanks, yeah I feel the same way. It's tough when you see someone's point of view, but it's not your own family.

Part of me wants to take the moral high ground and say what I believe to be right and true, but the other part of me knows that if the shoe was on the other foot I'd probably react in the same way as DP.

"From her perspective, she's not just worried about how auntie will react, but also how all the rest of the family will react if she has "unnecessarily" upset or annoyed auntie, or if it's "her fault" that auntie is upset and the atmosphere of the event is "ruined".

Goodness YES, WHY do you have to be so blatant, why did you have to upset auntie/granny/your parents/the dog/the goldfish/the vicar etc etc etc. Unfortunately still an issue, and that little voice is still in my head. I think things are getting better, more people are more likely to react okay (or indeed not react at all), but until we reach 100%....