My same-sex girlfriend *maybe* wants me to avoid family event because she’s not out to older aunt. AIBU?

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Hi all, just looking for some advice.

My girlfriend and I are in a same sex relationship and have been for 8 years.

We are fully open to everyone in both families - except my partner’s elderly aunt. This aunt basically part-raised my DP, and they were close, but aunt is very old and lives 50 miles away. She is quite traditional and the topic has just never needed to come up. Aunt knows me, is very nice to me - - and surely must suspect a bit - - .

My DP sees her fairly often, me less so. When we see her together it’s always in a context where the issue of who is with whom isn’t relevant (eg tea and cakes on a Sunday afternoon).

Everyone else in DP’s family knows we are together (parents, etc) and are extremely supportive. But there is a bit of an unspoken rule that we won’t mention to Auntie X that we are together. Nobody ever suggested this (eg GF never said “Don’t tell auntie”, MIL never said “Pretend to be straight”). It just happened. (I can honestly say that this has never really bothered me and I have just gone along with it, as it’s never caused us any material problems - until now that is.)

Fast forward to now and it’s about to become an issue. PILs kindly treat us all to a family holiday between Christmas and New Year (UK city break-type thing). Usually it is PILs, us two, GF’s DB and his wife and their one year old DD. I really really look forward to these as we all get on so well. Recently we were both invited to the 2018 one, and the date is in the diary.

Auntie has also been invited along this year. Fine by me, it’s up to PILs. Also I quite like Auntie X, she is a bit traditional but she is also good fun. MIL clearly doesn’t think it will matter that we are all there together, as when she invited me she said “Auntie X is coming” in the same message and nothing more was said. Me and DP are discreet anyway in front of family, we don’t kiss and cuddle or anything. In previous years other family members have brought along friends etc – the family is very sociable, so it’s totally normal for people who aren’t partners to come along and for this set-up not to be questioned.

My gf, however, is now freaking out. She said that “there might be a problem as Auntie X is invited”, and said that we (me and GF) need to discuss it in the coming days. I think she’s going to tell me that she doesn’t want to come out to Auntie, and that if we go we’ll have to sleep in separate rooms or something (not really possible as there are already plenty of people going). I have a horrible feeling she’s going to tell me she wants me to stay away.

Any advice? The following thoughts are floating around my head…

It’s their family, not mine. At the end of the day, I guess I have to let DP decide for that reason?
On the one hand I sort of understand – it’s something a lot of gay people have thought from time to time. I’ve stayed in the closet in some circumstances before so I’d be being hypocritical if I said everybody had to be out and proud all the time. Sometimes it is just easier to not take the risk and maybe this is one of those times.
The thought of not going, though, makes me sad, because we all love going on this trip and I feel a close bond with them all. I would be so upset if DP goes on this and leaves me behind, I really would be. The image of everybody else (including DP’s brother’s wife) all being able to go because they’re straight and I’m not actually makes me want to cry.
Also, auntie is in excellent health and isn’t mega old by modern standards. She could well live another 15 years. If we ever decide to get married or have kids, what will happen then? Will DP want us to put it off indefinitely?

Thanks for reading.

I have come across this sooooo many times -Including having a girlfriend who’s dad apparently didn’t ‘know’ despite us having bought a house together. we broke up because of her ridiculous unnecessary hiding in the closet. Because he knew. He wasn’t a dimwit. He didn’t want to talk about it butnhe knew.
Auntie knows. Granny knows, Great uncle Albert knows. They always know.
Your DP needs to deal with her fear of rejection from auntie, the fear that someone won’t love or accept her for who she is.
What’s the worst that can happen? Auntie
finds out -‘and then what, will she storm off, create a scene? Nope. The rest of the family will be there for support. Or she knows and it’s no big deal.
You shouldn’t be hiding your relationship,’not afyern8!years. Get your GF to watch the campaign video for gay people to hold hands in public.
Don’t hide. Hold hands. It’s important for all of us.
Auntie knows.

Traditional probably equates to 'doesn't talk about sex' and is not synonymous with ignorance of sexual permutations or dislike of any of them. It's the 'don't do it in the street and frighten the horses' pov

The issue here is with DP. As you are not habitually demonstrative, I really can't see why she would feel the need to cancel you from the trip. You can be your usual selves during the day, and if Auntie comments about sleeping arrangements (which she wouidn't, though) then you just say 'yes, we decided to share'. But she doesn't want that - why not?

Yes, I reckon the Aunt “knows”.i would continue as normal without saying anything and going on the holiday.
My elderly next door neighbour when I was small had a daughter who had a “friend”. We spent lots of time together growing up then neighbour died when I was about 15 and we lost touch with the daughter. I was about 30 when I had a sudden delayed realisation that the daughters friend was her partner. It never needed to be mentioned and it never needed to be an issue.

I have a lesbian cousin. In the 80s, in a village, she cut a striking figure. It was never discussed openly. Then a scandal, a married woman in the village left her husband for cousin. Efforts were made to keep this away from 90 year old Granny.
One day, Granny said " I heard (cousin) and (girlfriend ) have bought a house" pause "that's nice". And that was that!
Cousin and now-wife are still together.