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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to moan if my ex cuts child support by £50 a month?

80 replies

seanchai · 27/09/2018 14:15

My ex-H was always tight with money.
Now he's married and expecting a new baby, he's told me he's cutting my son's child support by £50 a month.
My boy is 14 and needs man sized clothes and shoes and he wants to go out more, so needs pocket money.
We only had a verbal agreement on the money and I don't know how much he earns, so I don't know how much my boy is due, but we've had the same agreement for twelve years.
Do I just accept people's circumstances change and we all have to budget, or do I take him on about it?
And if so, how do I deal with it if he won't agree (which he really won't!)

OP posts:

IHaveBrilloHair · 27/09/2018 17:53

You are absolutely right to moan, I'd be furious.
He should be paying the same in line with inflation.

As for anyone suggestion your son get a job to make up the shortfall words fail me.

If I were you I'd go to the CMS.

TittyGolightly · 27/09/2018 18:00

£67 a week which is £268 a month

Only if you have 13 months in a year.

£67 a week is £290 per calendar month.

MondayImInLove · 27/09/2018 18:06

Some people seem to be living in dream-land (not you OP). If you have a child with your partner you spend whatever you can on him, then a second one comes along: obviously the amount available for the first child does decrease! How is it different when the two children don’t have the same mother?!
Or should all non-millionaire families only have one DC as they couldn’t guarantee a sibling wouldn’t affect the money available?

GunpowderGelatine · 27/09/2018 18:08

If I had another child my current children wouldn't magically cost less. Take him to the CMS.

Winchester89 · 27/09/2018 18:11

@GunpowderGelatine
No- but you would probably cut back?
We have 2 kids, will be 3 next year- the amount spent on Xmas presents and birthdays and trips will automatically decrease for the first 2 as we don't have extra money to spend on the third?

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 18:13

The CMS reduces payments if the NRD has another child.

BlueBug45 · 27/09/2018 18:18

@GunpowderGelatine the CMS doesn't blame children for being born - unlike you - which is why the parent's income is divided in what is regarded equally between them.

Akanamali · 27/09/2018 18:19

Why are people leaving childcare costs out of the 'babies vs teenagers' argument?

A baby is either in childcare (which is expensive) or one of the parents stay at home to care for it, foregoing their salary (which is also expensive). Babies are without question more expensive than teenagers unless you're lucky enough to have access to free childcare (which not many people do). Unless of course the teen has a disability which means they require more care than the average teenager.

MacosieAsunter · 27/09/2018 18:21

Could someone explain t o me where all these 'pocket money' jobs for 14year old are?

Lets look at salient points - school children are not subject to any minimum wage legislation - any business employing a sub 16 needs an employment licence.

Where are all these jobs? Because where I live, those jobs like sweeping up in a hairdressers are reserved for those on hairdressing courses at college; the big malls wont touch any one under Y13. The high street and markets wont touch anyone who isn't direct family

GunpowderGelatine · 27/09/2018 18:24

the CMS doesn't blame children for being born - unlike you

Are you sure it was me you're meant to tag? I have no idea what you're going on about. As if I blamed babies for being born 🤣

GunpowderGelatine · 27/09/2018 18:25

No- but you would probably cut back? We have 2 kids, will be 3 next year- the amount spent on Xmas presents and birthdays and trips will automatically decrease for the first 2 as we don't have extra money to spend on the third?

Precisely - so he'll have to budget to spend less on new baby than he would if it was his first, won't he

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 18:26

All our free newspapers are delivered by young teenagers.

Akanamali · 27/09/2018 18:29

Precisely - so he'll have to budget to spend less on new baby than he would if it was his first, won't he

Yes. And the son will also have to expect money to be a tighter as it would be if his parents were still together and having another child.

Babyroobs · 27/09/2018 18:30

Very poor that he has reduced it, how must that make your son feel if he found out ( hopefully he doesn't). Are you getting all the tax credits etc you may be entitled to ?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/09/2018 18:37

If you was the parent having another baby, you would need to proportion your income out between both children, that’s what your Ex is doing

It is not the same thing. When a couple has a child together, it is a joint decision and any sacrifices that need making are a joint decision and impact on all the family. What an ex partner having a new baby and reducing maintenance Does is impose decisions on another household where there was no say in the decision-making and with an expectation that that household makes up the difference, regardless of what their circumstances may be. Bottom line, he gets to do what he wants and mum picks up the pieces. To suggest is it ‘portioning income out between two children’ is just pretending it’s OK. It’s not.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2018 19:00

ohreally but that's how it works. If he changes Jon and takes a pay cut he would pay less, because he has less. He doesn't need op's permission. Fair or not it is realistic.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/09/2018 19:03

Oh right. It’s realistic to leave thousands of women out there providing for their children whilst the father goes off and has as many babies as he sees fit? After all, they are not his responsibility, are they?

The misogyny in the system and in society in general when it comes to supporting children is utterly unacceptable. And yet women accept it as long as it means they get one over on the ex. Slow fucking handclap.

Buggerbrexit · 27/09/2018 19:05

Go through cm. He shouldn't be working til he gets his ni number at 16.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2018 19:08

Going on what he pays now and no overnights CMS would drop my £35 a month for 1 new child.
I'd def have a look at the calculator before you take it CMS

caringcarer · 27/09/2018 19:14

Could you accept the amount he is paying but suggest to your ex he should take b responsible for buying your son's school coat and shoes. Some men get funny and think their ex partner might be spending money on herself instead of child. I am not suggesting you do this but some men get suspicious but if they buy their son clothing they can see he is having it spent on him. I don't mean to be offensive but it is just a thought as a friend does this as her ex complains she must be spending it on herself even though she is not, and it works for them.

Havaina · 27/09/2018 19:18

Surely you can afford things for ds with £270 plus 80 for cb? Teenagers are as expensive as you want them to be tbh something you have to cut you’re cloth accordingly

snappedandfarted CM is not just for things, OP needs to put a roof over her son's head and food on the table.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/09/2018 19:35

I don't mean to be offensive

And yet you were. All these women out there who only know how to spend maintenance money on gel nails, vodka and heels. They really need to accept being treated like children in case their ex can’t cope with their independence and ability to, shock horror, actually manage their own money and buy everything a child needs.

mama17 · 27/09/2018 19:43

I would be angry too. YANBU teenagers cost much more than small children!

MadMum101 · 27/09/2018 19:54

Jesus wept.

Anyone with a teen will know that it is virtually impossible for an under 16 to get a job as most organisations won't employ them and ad hoc work at independent places is hard to find as it goes to family or friends. Totally different kettle of fish from my generation.

£320 a month does not cover all the expenses of a teenager anyway. Did his Dad get a big enough house for him to have a room there? Does he sleep over, wash his clothes, get the increased energy, costs, get used as a taxi, do his lunches etc. The OP is doing all the donkey work in raising the boy if he only sees his Dad 2 nights a week. Why should the OP be 'grateful' for that paltry amount just because other women are resentful at how little they get!

I would go down the formal CMS route OP. Making sure they know about his side business. If your current arrangement is casual, your ex could decide to alter it at any time at a later date too, especially with another child and maybe a partner who wants to keep their money for their own child, who knows? You have another 4 years to go. I would give him that power.

He sounds like a shit who has no problem taking away from the child he's already only a part time Dad to. Any decent parent would factor in the cost of a child they already had a responsibility to before having a child in a new relationship.

AamdC · 27/09/2018 20:07

Lots of projection on this thread as usual

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