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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH always working

72 replies

alwaystiredalwayshungry · 26/09/2018 21:29

I know I am being U. I just need a bit of telling off, I think.

We have a 4 month old and DH has just started his teacher training course. I know that he's working hard, but he never seems to have time to spend time with DS.

He's away on Tuesday nights at football training 7-10 and then on Saturday for a couple of hours and about 5 hours on Saturday. I'm so knackered.

He's come in and had been doing nothing for a few hours and is now doing more work. He only held the baby for about 5 minutes today. I got annoyed and reminded him that he has a family at home and that he hasn't done anything with our DS today. He responded with 'I held him when I came in'. Well done. Holding your child.

I go back to work in the beginning of next year FT. I'm worried that he's just going to do the same thing and I'll be the one doing all of the work.

I know that he's working hard to better himself, but I'm just so tired and lonely. I shouldn't be so moany at him.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/09/2018 21:30

Be needs to knock weekend football on the head. Some things have to give when u have a baby

someonekillbabyshark · 26/09/2018 21:31

We're is he going Saturday and Sunday ? When my DD was born my DH was always home helping making tea etc when not working

MacosieAsunter · 26/09/2018 21:33

But he will have 13 weeks a year holiday

Frlrlrubert · 26/09/2018 21:41

Teacher training is hard, and will get harder as the teaching hours increase. Something has to give, make it clear to him that it needs to be the football and not time with DC.

You need a break, he needs to do a couple of hours parenting between finishing work and working in the evenings.

(I trained last year, DD turned 1 two weeks into my course, I did most of my work at school/uni before coming home because she didn't sleep so evenings were often a write-off. Now she sleeps I can do marking in the evenings but I'm knackered and could not manage a hobby on top)

NoKnit · 26/09/2018 21:46

4 months and you're knackered? With a baby that you can out down and won't move or cause destruction or damage himself whilst you nip to the toilet.

Honestly with an active toddler I could understand but your stage is easy in comparison. I don't know where he goes on the weekend but is your problem him not being there to look after baby or not there to entertain you? These are 2 different issues and you need to work out what it is.

Smilingthru · 26/09/2018 21:48

Welcome to the world of teaching. It won’t get better, even when he graduates. As a teacher on maternity leave at the moment I’m speaking from experience and have no intention to return when my mat leave ends. Teaching doesn’t fit with a young family.

YANBU but things won’t change whilst he is training and then in this career. Sorry OP

TheFifthKey · 26/09/2018 21:48

How surprising is it that someone with a 4 month old is knackered? As I remember, they don’t exactly sleep...

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 26/09/2018 21:49

@NoKnit you can't be serious?! The OP is asking for the baby's FATHER to do some actual parenting of his child other than 'holding' him for 5 minutes and you think she's being unreasonable?!

Why should he get 10 hours a weekend to play football while the OP gets no break. A baby is hard no matter what age and saying to her that she shouldn't be tired at this stage is utterly ridiculous.

6079SmithW · 26/09/2018 21:56

Sounds like he hasn't adjusted his schedule from before you had the baby? It does seem like he gets a lot of free time away from the house, and now that your DS is here you need to renegotiate that.
I would sit him down (at a time when you're not thoroughly pissed off) and have a proper chat. Rather than saying he doesn't do anything around the house/with the baby, it might be more useful to agree actual tasks he should undertake so he knows what he needs to do and you can see that he is doing it. He might be the one to do bathtime for example or another part of your evening routine.
He is obviously working hard and does deserve some time to relax but never forget you are working harder and deserve some relaxation too! Good luck xx

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 26/09/2018 21:59

I do find it quite depressing that women are expected to 'sit a man down' and explain to him tasks that need doing round the house. It must be like being married to a child.

ohamIreally · 26/09/2018 23:51

OP you are correct in thinking you will end up doing all the work. He thinks it's your job and his time is his own.

When you go back to work make sure he pays half the childcare.

Look after yourself x

Bunbunbunny · 27/09/2018 00:36

Go out the house to talk without baby, need to be honest with him

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2018 00:52

With a baby that you can out down and won't move or cause destruction or damage himself whilst you nip to the toilet.
Have you worked out you know who the op is and know the baby well so know she can put the baby down? Or do you actually have no bloody clue.
I have a 4mo, I’m lucky that he’s a cheerful little guy but the reason I’m online now is because I haven’t been to bed yet as he doesn’t bloody sleep. I’m on my knees and I have a helpful dh.

He’s currently contributing as much as a moderately amiable uncle and you need him to parent. You need him to cook and clean and change nappies and walk up and down at 2am and take baby for a walk while you nap.

RLOU30 · 27/09/2018 01:41

@NoKnit. Talk about tarnish every baby with the same brush! I’m glad you had such an easy time of it Envy- defiantly envy. Hopefully, people like me who have screaming, colicky, reflux sick shooting across the room and 3 colds already in 4 months, still waking every hour babies will have easier toddlers :). I mean I literally cannot get anything done and rely on my partner to take the baby so I can scream into a pillow when he gets home from work!

OP - YANBU Flowers

RLOU30 · 27/09/2018 01:44

I didn’t even read your message properly.
You actually have told OP she shouldn’t be tired! I take away my envy and replace with one of these Biscuit for you.

Puggles123 · 27/09/2018 01:51

He shouldn’t be too busy to make an effort, even if that means dropping either a weekend activity or football; I mean, right now would you have the chance to go out for a few hours on a weeknight to do an activity you did before your little one was born? It’s obviously good to be supportive and the PGCE year is intense, but he needs to be supportive to you as well- so YANBU.

MrsFezziwig · 27/09/2018 02:02

The problem isn’t that he is always working - it’s that he spends 10 hours a week playing football when you have a new baby to get used to. Tell him that in return for his football time you expect him to take the baby for at least an hour and a half a day so you can have a complete break and then take the discussion from there.

thedogiswearingtartan · 27/09/2018 02:12

Another shit dad/partner. He shouldn't be going to footy at all while he has a small baby and an exhausted wife. I'm honestly astounded at the amount of these threads.

Limpshade · 27/09/2018 02:27

NoKnit pipe down: DD1 was hell on wheels at 4mo and now as a 2yo is a total delight. It's great that you had an easy baby but not everyone does.

OP I totally understand where you are coming from, but I also remember when I was an NQT: I'd get home early (5pm), make dinner, wash up, etc, then crack on with marking and planning until gone 10pm. No idea how I'd also have coped with a baby in that scenario. It's a very intense, sometimes soul-sapping year. I guess what I am saying is he can't really help the workload, however I don't see how he can also have a hobby on top of all this. It's just not manageable in the long run. Yes, when things have settled down, but if you are struggling, not now.

Rebecca36 · 27/09/2018 02:59

Allthewaves Wed 26-Sep-18 21:30:45
Be needs to knock weekend football on the head. Some things have to give when u have a baby
----

Quite right. You have probably given up a lot because of the baby, so should he. It's not forever. Even he must see that spending five minutes a day with his little child is not enough.

Shadow1234 · 27/09/2018 03:37

so sorry you are having a hard time and getting no support
or respect from your OH. As others have said, he needs to reign
the football in, and devote more time to you and your baby.

Yes, hes working hard on his career, but he shouldnt have 10
hours of leisure and you have none. There needs to be a balance
where you each get a break. I think you need to have a serious
chat with him, and very soon!!

Spanglyprincess1 · 27/09/2018 03:51

Congrats on baby op. My other half works constantly too and I posted recently on here about it.
Since then sat down and said I needed time. He is now taking baby for an hour in evening three days a week while I going running. It's massively helped my pnd to get out and exercise and I actually feel more human although tierd.
Maybe agree this or something similar?

Nightwatch999 · 27/09/2018 03:52

He needs to give up his hobbies to help you. Yes everyone should be entitled to relax, but he is taking the piss!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/09/2018 04:16

The simple answer to this is that you need to take two hours for yourself daily. So he gets in and takes the baby, baths it and either cooks or washes up. You take a long bath or pop out to an excersie class or see friends or go for a coffee on your own.

Original poster
alwaystiredalwayshungry · 27/09/2018 06:12

I'm so miserable. He said that I'm acting like a "martyr" for asking when the last time that he fed the baby/cleaned the bottles were (btw, his answer was 'I don't know' Hmm)

I know he's tired, but he doesn't even offer. It's just assumed that I'll do everything, that's what upsets me the most.

My DM is also a teacher, so I am appreciative of the workload that it entails.

We're living with my in laws. I was made redundant at 30 weeks pregnant and he wouldn't have been able to support us on his own, so we're here until I start my new job in January and am earning properly again.

I feel so lonely. I was crying last night out of pure frustration, asking him why he doesn't even touch me. I'm not even talking about sex, I'm talking about basic affection. He just fell asleep.

How do I get out of this? If I leave, I have nowhere else to go. He'll also want 50/50 and I can't be without my son for half of the week.

Please can someone advise me. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
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