DH always working

[alwaystiredalwayshungry]

I know I am being U. I just need a bit of telling off, I think.

We have a 4 month old and DH has just started his teacher training course. I know that he's working hard, but he never seems to have time to spend time with DS.

He's away on Tuesday nights at football training 7-10 and then on Saturday for a couple of hours and about 5 hours on Saturday. I'm so knackered.

He's come in and had been doing nothing for a few hours and is now doing more work. He only held the baby for about 5 minutes today. I got annoyed and reminded him that he has a family at home and that he hasn't done anything with our DS today. He responded with 'I held him when I came in'. Well done. Holding your child.

I go back to work in the beginning of next year FT. I'm worried that he's just going to do the same thing and I'll be the one doing all of the work.

I know that he's working hard to better himself, but I'm just so tired and lonely. I shouldn't be so moany at him.

He'd never manage 50/50 - it'd impede on his leisure time .
Have you confided in any rl friends or your midwife? You need support

I thought the same, but I know that he would pursue it. Even if it was just to be spiteful.

Our relationship wasn't like this before. Our DS was planned! It's just all gone wrong since I've been pregnant.

When I get upset now, he just huffs. I have nowhere else to go.

@GertrudeCB. I have no one to speak to irl. I'm so embarrassed my life is just imploding. I used to be so successful, I worked so hard since I was a teenager. Now I'm living with my in laws with an H who isn't fussed.

Teaching is hard, I have been a TA for almost 20 years and go home knackered. I don't take home planning or marking either! He will be under enormous pressure and that won't change. The continual observations, paperwork and theeat of Ofsted are very draining.
It is a very rewarding job but be under no illusions that it is a 8.30-3.30 job with 13 weeks holiday.
That having said, you do need some time together to reconnect. Could you leave the baby with the in laws and have some time for the two of you to talk? It does sound like there is more going on than just him working?

Has he changed since living at his parents? We had a spell at my ILs, dp reverted to a teenager, his mum clucked around him doing everything and he avoided talking to me by spending time with them. Does he think you should have it easy as you are living there and therefore his parents helping out? Would it get better when you move out?
The year we lived at the ILs was so hard on our relationship and I felt alone so much of the time and we didn't even have children then. Could this be some of the issue?

Bide your time till you start working. Live now like your single and just use him for the free accommodation. Keep a diary of his interaction with your baby. Then leave.

Hi op. Firstly congratulations on your baby.

Having a new baby is hard on you, believe it or not, hard on DH and hard on a relationship.

I don’t think telling DH to give up football is the right thing (but perhaps not twice each weekend - unless it’s domething unusually important).

This is his time to unwind, keep fit and after working all day, plus have worries if a new family, this is important to his state of mind.

I read another posters suggestion of giving him dedicated tasks with baby (or about baby - you mentioned cleaning bottles) and another suggestion of designated time that is your time. One of the suggestions was going to an exercise class. Please do this. You will feel so much better about yourself. Go with a friend if you can. When you feel good about yourself, are not giving off negative vibes towards DH or (to him) sounding negative, he will be more affectionate as he will feel more open and receptive. Right now he is hearing from you that you’re tired, that he doesn’t do anything, you’re not happy he’s going out to do sport and you’re not happy he works too much. Change the message he gets from you and he will change towards you.

First step is a talk about how you know his sport is important to him. It’s inportant to you too to get some exercise and “me” time too so you need to work out a schedule when he takes care of baby to allow you to do that too. Do praise him when he does things with the baby. It will go a long way - something similar to “ Thank you for bathing Bsby. You did well, she smells so fresh/clean”. Or ”thank you for cleaning the bottles, it’s a job I find takes so much of my time, I really appreciate it” you’ll find these little things helps DH be more confident is baby tasks, be more receptive and more proactive not only with baby, but in your relationship with you.

You poor thing OP. It sounds horribly stressful.

Can you start your discussions by focusing on how you achieve 10 hours leisure time a week for yourself. Equal to his time playing football. To me it’s that and the time he gets to rest that seems more of an issue than how much work he is doing, which is part of the teaching package. It shouldn’t need spelling out but you both need a fair share of rest and time to do your own thing.

You need a proper sit down with DH to discuss how he sees childcare breaking down in this marriage. Does he think it's wife work? Does he think it should be 50/50? Did you even discuss this before TTC? If so, remind him of what he said then. Link it to his actions now!

I was on my knees and that was with DH taking DC for 3h every evening so I could get a block of sleep. Often that was the only sleep I got. Some babies are simply fussy restless non-sleepers!

Is it that you can't have a proper conversation because you have no privacy at in laws?

And yes the football needs to go. Right now. Until baby is sleeping through. He is being a total selfish prick in that respect and frankly deluded as to what being a father looks like.

It took my DH a few weeks to "get it" after birth of DC and those were the worst weeks of my life. I screamed and screamed and screamed at him. He tried to blame "the hormones" but eventually it clicked what I was saying that parenting is a 24/7 job and him being at work 8 to 6pm was irrelevant.

It is illegal to work 24/7 and yet by doing nothing to care for his own child that is what he is doing to his wife. Unacceptable.

I agree with BareBum live like you're single until you can be self financing then explore your options.

Seems that @NoKnit has forgotten what it's like to have a baby.. mine is 2 months old and is a 'good' baby (I hate using that phrase!) but I am SHATTERED.

Of course she's tired with a 4 month old.

In between feeding, settling, playing, sterilising, burping, changing nappies and then doing housework on top, as well as trying to eat and sleep - when does a new mother actually get to rest? And that's presuming that baby is one that is happy to be put down at al.

He is being awful - teacher training is not an excuse to opt out and he seems to find time for everything else

As for 50/50 letting his mum have it isn’t 50/50.

You need to get it sorted now before you go back to work. Where are your parents living

Another vote for the football needs to go. Teacher training does take up a huge amount of time (I'm surprised he even has time for all the football actually) but there's no excuse for the amount of leisure time he's giving himself rather than parenting.

I'm sorry @AdoreTheBeach but why on earth should op be praising her dh for the tiny contribution he condescends to make, when he isn't showing an ounce of appreciation for all that she is doing? It's not her job to pander to his ego, it's his job to support the baby and 4 month post partum wife he chose to have.

Op I think a very firm conversation is in order, make sure you have the time and baby is asleep and be blunt with him. tell him you're miserable, tell him you're seriously reconsidering your marriage over this, his response will tell you everything you need to know.

@katmarie I have been reading a book on moods,recommended to me by my own therapist. In trying out these types of examples in various situations, it greatly changes how the other person you’re having issues with changes their behaviour. From using these techniques, I personally have had dramatic changes in my DH behaviour. The examples are of various issues but the concepts the same. I was sceptical myself and took some getting used to, but really works. Hence suggesting to OP.

Having a baby is such a hard change to any relationship. I remember things being really tough when mine were exactly the same age. I felt ignored, unwanted, unappreciated. It was as if I was doing all the actual parenting and work to keep the family going- and my husband just swanned around living a life that had changed very little from pre baby- and he didn’t even care!

I can’t tell you how to make it better, but for me it did get better. Lots of Frank conversations. No seething, and instead just saying what I thought. Get out a calendar and literally spell out to him how little time you get for yourself.

It isn’t easy, but there was a reason you married him and picked him. Try and approach the topic when the two of you are able to properly discuss it (easier typed than done!) and be brutal.

Good luck. It really is hard.

Be needs to knock weekend football on the head. Some things have to give when u have a baby

Can you image if he told you to 'knock' your social activity on the head??

He's working hard to provide for his family and his release is football. Do you want a stressed or depressed DH to add to the pot? You just need to talk and find a solution that fits you both.

Neshoma She doesn't have any social activity. She's with the baby 24/7

Clearly he is playing far far too much football. Once a week is more than adequate. He is not entitled to anything in the same way you are not, when you have a baby your hobbies are put on hold and you should be there to support each other.

He is not doing anywhere near enough. That is why you are knackered and fed up.

It is a quick fix, tell him no more weekend football. Simple.

Just seen your updates. Clearly you have bigger problems than just football. It is time for an ultimatum he either steps up to the plate, gives up the football and engages with you and the baby or you may have to consider your future a little more carefully.

You can and will get your job back, and it may seem impossible now but you will get back on your feet. He should be supporting you, both emotionally and with his child and he is doing neither.

Ignoring you, making you feel unloved, not looking after the baby, not supporting you financially. He is bringing precisely nothing to the table.

Can you move in with your parents until you can organise somewhere to live?

I think it was a bad time to start a pgce tbh. Whose idea was that? Is he really committed to it? I know someone who gave up mid-year last year as they had a young child and the workload was just exhausting.

Having said that, the issue isn’t your h is always working, it’s that he is not making time for the baby when he gets in and he is spending too much time out on the weekends.

As others have said, having a new baby is a massive shock to a relationship. You do need a proper talk, without accusations or competitive tiredness. But it's really hard to find the space to do that.

Would you consider a joint counselling session?

He can pursue it but he won’t get 50 50. Is there no friend who can put you up for a week for some space?

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied

RE football: I've asked him to stop and he's simply said 'no'. Just straight up refused to.

We had such similar ideals before TTC. Now he's here, he swans in sometimes like Disney dad, makes DS laugh and everyone thinks that he's an amazing father.

This wasn't the man that I married. He has changed since he finished paternity leave. I'm just gutted and even more gutted that he just doesn't care how I feel.

He doesn't support me financially at all. I saved the money that I was paid of my residency and my existing savings.

I wasn't happy with him starting his PGCE now, either. I wanted him to stay at his previously OK-paying job and wait until we're financially stable again.

I've told him that I'm miserable thousands of times and he shrugs it off and says that I'm overreacting because I'm tired. I've told him that I want to leave and he just doesn't believe me.

I don't have family close by that I can talk to. I feel trapped

I'm sorry that this isn't all making sense. I think that DS is starting to teeth

He always says 'you're throwing a pity party and nobody's invited' 🙄