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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH always working

72 replies

alwaystiredalwayshungry · 26/09/2018 21:29

I know I am being U. I just need a bit of telling off, I think.

We have a 4 month old and DH has just started his teacher training course. I know that he's working hard, but he never seems to have time to spend time with DS.

He's away on Tuesday nights at football training 7-10 and then on Saturday for a couple of hours and about 5 hours on Saturday. I'm so knackered.

He's come in and had been doing nothing for a few hours and is now doing more work. He only held the baby for about 5 minutes today. I got annoyed and reminded him that he has a family at home and that he hasn't done anything with our DS today. He responded with 'I held him when I came in'. Well done. Holding your child.

I go back to work in the beginning of next year FT. I'm worried that he's just going to do the same thing and I'll be the one doing all of the work.

I know that he's working hard to better himself, but I'm just so tired and lonely. I shouldn't be so moany at him.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2018 13:30

Then leave its the only way - you are a single parent at the moment with no financial support.

And if he does try to 50/50 (which he wont) at least your son will have a Dad

HollowTalk · 27/09/2018 13:32

You have to find a way to leave. If you are leaving because he is rarely there, how can he insist on 50-50? It doesn't make sense.

HollowTalk · 27/09/2018 13:33

Why not make a note of every time he interacts with your child over the next week, then tell him THAT'S the contact he'll have.

badgeronabicycle · 27/09/2018 13:35

So, he doesn't support you financially.

He doesn't take an active role in the care of his child.

He doesn't pull his weight with domestic tasks at home.

He doesn't show you any affection, love or empathy.

What exactly does he add to your life?

I would be seriously thinking about getting rid once you return to work and can support yourself. You deserve a better partner and your baby deserves a better father.

Snowymountainsalways · 27/09/2018 13:50

That would be the very last conversation I would have with my dh if he called my anguish and exhaustion a 'pity party'

You need to go, he will believe you when you follow through. He is not going to step up op. Anyone who can describe someone's stress, upset and worry as a pity party is beyond help or guidance.

Prepare to leave him, and do it.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 27/09/2018 16:29

Get rid of the useless bastard. What a waste of space he is. He wants to be a teacher when he can't be fucked to care for his own kid. What a joke

HalloumiGus · 27/09/2018 16:48

I never say leave the bastard - but leave the bastard

Shadow1234 · 27/09/2018 16:51

You say you are living with in-laws, do they realise whats going
on, and how upset you are? can you tell them how you are
feeling??

At least if they were on the same page as you, they might be able
to knock some sense into him.

I know its not their job to get involved, but if all else is failing,
anything is worth a try.

Ooogetyooo · 27/09/2018 16:57

Why would he want 50/50 custody? What makes you say that? The lazy sod can't be arsed to look after his child for 5 minutes. He's not around at the weekend as it is now. Look for somewhere to move in to in the new year, have you looked into childcare for when you start new job?

SittingAround1 · 27/09/2018 17:00

I agree, tell his parents that if things don't improve you & the baby are leaving.

If he won't stop the football then you need to find an activity for 10 hours a week and inform him that this will be when he has to look after his child.

As for gently coaching him to be a proper father to his child, fuck that, I'd go mental on him.
One good set up when you have one baby is that each partner gets a morning at the weekend to themselves whilst the other looks after the baby.

Every hour he is not at work should be shared equally between you.

Artofpretending · 27/09/2018 17:21

Who will be looking after the baby when you go back to work? He’ll have 13 weeks holiday a year btw. That will save you in childcare.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/09/2018 17:51

The thing is, he isn't "always working" is he? If I've understood your OP correctly he currently spends about 10 hours a week on his hobby! Does he have any idea how unusual that is for someone with a baby to have that much 'me time'? I know a PGCE is challenging but it certainly hasn't curtailed his social life, the only thing it seems to have stopped him from doing is parenting. The problem isn't his job, it's the fact that he's choosing to opt out of family life and prioritise his own enjoyment.
He sounds like a selfish twat.

LuckyAmy1986 · 27/09/2018 18:13

He sounds like a prick!!! I agree with sitting them all down and letting them know what’s what. Congratulations on your baby btw! It’s so hard being a new mum especially the first year.

0lgaDaPolga · 27/09/2018 18:26

He sounds awful. You are practically a single mum but living with a husband.

He doesn’t contribute financially, doesn’t parent his own child, doesn’t support you emotionally, completely dismisses how you are feeling and spends hours of his free time on a hobby. He’s not being a partner to you and it sounds like you are getting very little out of this relationship. I would honestly consider leaving in this scenario.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 27/09/2018 18:41

You married a twat and sadly it didn’t become apparent until it really mattered. It happens to many, many women.

He isn’t listening, he’s not going to change and you are better off making plans to look our for yourself, your wellbeing and your child.

Stupomax · 27/09/2018 18:54

For comparison we had a 3 month old first baby when DH started his PGCE. He was just coming to the end of his NQT year when we had our second baby.

I don't think he could have done more to help. He worked his day at school, did his after-school stuff that he had to do there, came home, joined in with dinner, bathing kids, playing with them, putting them to bed, cleaning up the house, then after about 8pm did his marking and prep for the next day. He also did his share of getting up in the night with them.

At the weekends he pulled his weight and more, as I often had to work both doing my own freelance work and on my own postgrad education - I was going to college till 12 days overdue with DD2 and back at college with her in my arms when she was a month old. I couldn't have done it without him, but he also couldn't have done it without me.

Your DH sounds shit tbh OP.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2019 11:30

As you're unemployed and he's a student, are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to?

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 02/06/2019 15:42

He needs to quit the Sunday football at least. My DH and I made an agreement when DC were born that we'd have at least one weekend day together all day. Could you try this?

Waiting1987 · 02/06/2019 15:57

This is from 2018...

Merryoldgoat · 02/06/2019 16:55

He’s a douche. But you know that.

The question is how do you get out of it?

Where are you family? Are they supportive?

There is no point to him at all and he’s not interested in being a family so you have to decide what you want.

You have no assets and no money so whilst precarious, splitting doesn’t require complicated splitting of assets.

When you start working can you afford to support yourself?

If I were you I’d start detaching. Make plans, save what you can and start thinking about escaping.

Hobbies are fine, two weekend days and a weeknight as well as studying is not.

My DH and I had loads of hobbies prior to children but they don’t fit now - we didn’t even have to discuss it - it was obvious.

Your husband is a selfish man - I suspect if you’re honest you could see the signs beforehand but that doesn’t matter now - just helps you reflect, perhaps?

Take control of your future - you deserve better.

Merryoldgoat · 02/06/2019 16:56

Oh bollocks - fucking zombie thread 🧟‍♂️

blackteasplease · 02/06/2019 17:10

I wonder what happened?

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