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Original poster

Please help me construct a firm nice response?

66 replies

mumsknees · 26/09/2018 21:03

Some years ago now I worked with a group of vulnerable people. I left a long time ago and some of my clients over the years found me on Facebook and message me from time to time. I am mostly fine with this, it's nice they like to update me on their lives or ask advice here and there.

I have one who since I have become single (divorce) seems to try to flirt with me. He is still a very vulnerable person and I feel quite awkward with his communication. I think it would be quite devastating to him if I simply didn't ever speak to him but I'm at the point of needing to establish boundaries without humiliating him

I've tried joking that he's far too young for myself. Until now I've sort of batted away his comments and just made sure I haven't responded to anything in a flirty manner back so if he puts xxx I just say "take care" or what have you

I'm at the point though of feeling quite uncomfortable with this persistent idea that he can try his luck here and there when for years I have never given him any impression that anything will ever happen yet he keeps popping up every few weeks now with what if he was any other person I would have a long time ago said please don't do that to me rather than simply ignored or tried to change the subject

If I say it too gently, it will be ignored. If I say it too harshly - I risk him self harming quite badly

I'm no longer in any professional capacity to him and haven't been for years but I am very worried that if I handle this badly it will factor as a major thing in his life due to my past professional relationship with him. My old clients do see me as someone who was fairly significant in their lives (trying to not completely out myself but explain)

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 26/09/2018 21:05

What exactly is he saying? Compliments? Asking for a date?

Original poster
mumsknees · 26/09/2018 21:06

Yeah it's things like commenting on photos "you're so beautiful xxx" that's begun

Have you got a boyfriend yet? What about me?

That sort of thing.

OP posts:
delphguelph · 26/09/2018 21:07

If you defriend you're worried he'll self harm?

Original poster
mumsknees · 26/09/2018 21:09

To be perfectly honest, yes. But I'm aware it will factor as a major rejection to him because of who I was in his life that I don't want to cut communication but just establish firm boundaries of what I'm comfortable with

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/09/2018 21:10

How about

As you know you used to be my client and you need to respect that boundary otherwise I can't let you stay as a FB friend (or whatever)

Squeeless · 26/09/2018 21:11

So tricky.

Something along these lines?

You flatter me! However if you are serious I'm afraid there's no chance of anything romantic between us as I never mix business and my personal life and even though we don't work together anymore I have my reputation to uphold. Hope you understand as I do enjoy hearing from you and wish you every happiness.

AbsentmindedWoman · 26/09/2018 21:12

I don't think you should be friends with clients on social media. It's a real blurred boundary. I appreciate you say this was a few years ago, but like you say you're still worried about his self harming now today.

Can you adjust your settings so he can't see everything you post, and just send one last message saying you're very busy and can't reply to personal messages anymore? Then, simply don't read the messages.

Neshoma · 26/09/2018 21:13

Can you just say that your relationship is purely professional and can not be anything else or you will be in trouble, he wouldn't want you in trouble would he...?

AbsentmindedWoman · 26/09/2018 21:14

Squeeless has written a great 'last message' imo. It's kind and gently assertive.

Mokepon · 26/09/2018 21:15

I think that it is really inappropriate, no matter how much you don't mind or are flattered by their seeking your advice, to have this sort of contact with people who were previous clients.
Hence the situation now.
You currently have no responsibility for this man or owe him anything.

RedPanda2 · 26/09/2018 21:16

Just because he's vulnerable it doesn't mean he can harass you. Be firm and then delete and block if he continues.
If he self harms it is not your fault

Thisgirlcant · 26/09/2018 21:17

I had someone who had a crush on me, he was always messaging etc. I contacted a male friend who agree to pretend we were in a relationship. Maybe that could work?

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 26/09/2018 21:17

I'd chicken my way out of it by saying you're having issues with some former clients on social media so have decided to withdraw from using it. Then block him. He could create another profile and search to see if you really have deleted or just blocked him but if you don't think he would then it's a cheats way out.

Original poster
mumsknees · 26/09/2018 21:17

Unfortunately I can't really, it would be taken very personally and all other ex clients who keep in touch I still want to very much... and he knows them, and would definitely ask them to contact me for him.

I understand about not mixing business and social but without outing it's hard to say exactly what I was but not having any social media contact Years after having left would be very strange. However I never initiate the contact but I like to hear from them if they choose to later in life to update me

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsknees · 26/09/2018 21:19

Ah thank you @Squeeless I will give it a try.

I feel I need words to explain it's not okay to publicly compliment me the way he has recently taken to

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 26/09/2018 21:22

Then you just need to be clear.

What he does is not your responsibility. If you're concerned, ask him if he has any support workers and get their contact details so you can tell them directly. But you need to simply message him and say something like

"I'm so glad you got in touch to update me on your life as I always wonder about my old clients. But you're starting to take things in a direction which isn't appropriate. Comments about my appearance and relationship status should not occur, and any insinuation of a romantic relationship between us makes me feel quite uncomfortable given my previous professional role in your life. I'm happy to have contact with you in the same way I have with other platonic acquaintances but it really cannot go any further than that."

Treasure114 · 26/09/2018 21:23

I'd avoid telling him you want to avoid 'damaging my reputation' - this could be taken very badly by someone and not in the spirit it was meant!

NoSquirrels · 26/09/2018 21:26

Is there anyone in a professional capacity to him that you could ask to intercede gently, without you needing to mention it directly?

PorkFlute · 26/09/2018 21:28

I would let the compliments go but only because I think it’s pretty typical for people to comment ‘gorgeous’ and similar on selfies even if you don’t know them well/really think it as they’ve clearly put up a pic they look nice on.
Asking to be your bf is different. I’d keep it to ‘I wouldn’t cross the boundary of having personal relationships with people I have worked with. I prefer to keep them as friends 😀’. It’s friendly and clear. I would avoid saying that you ‘can’t’ have a relationship with him or it’s ‘not allowed’ as that would maybe leave open the possibility in his mind that you want to.
I agree with others though that not adding ex clients would have been the way to go but you can’t really unfriend them all now.

Buggerbrexit · 26/09/2018 21:30

Delete his comments and say something like above re business and pleasure. I cant think of any situation where social media contact is appropriate.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 26/09/2018 21:32

Do you have a profession, as in are you a registered professional e.g. social worker? I’m concerned you may be on rocky ground.

PorkFlute · 26/09/2018 21:33

Obviously if he continues then you will need to be more firm and possibly unfriend him if you have warned him and he hasn’t listened. Or speaking to whoever is currently supporting him if you can find out who that is might help. Bit you can’t be held responsible for how he might react to you making your boundaries clear. And letting him think that harassing you is acceptable is not going to help him with his interactions with other women.

TownHall · 26/09/2018 21:33

I'd deal with it in a straightforward and more casual way. Wait until he sends another flirty message then reply along the lines of

'Hey Dude, 🤔. Umm, I hope you aren't trying to attempt to flirt with me. 😱😱😱 That's never going work! Let's keep it light or it's going to be awkward.

By the way .... [insert random bland question or comment]

Molokonono · 26/09/2018 21:35

Hi. Thanks for the comments Dave, but because of my job role I really can't have them on my facebook page. You might not know but even answering them breaks my code of conduct, and it isn't appropriate. I'm sure you understand. I will have to delete any more so please can you stop. I hope you are enjoying the better weather and take care. OP'

PoxAlert · 26/09/2018 21:35

I would put all ex-clients in a group together who can only see limited parts of your profile and limited posts.

(Well that's a lie I don't even have my real name on my Facebook and would add any clients as friends and my clients aren't vulnerable. But you're past that now. So limiting them all is the way to go.)

Or you make a whole second profile just for them and block them on your actual one. Doesn't sound safe for either party.

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