Please help me construct a firm nice response?

[mumsknees]

Some years ago now I worked with a group of vulnerable people. I left a long time ago and some of my clients over the years found me on Facebook and message me from time to time. I am mostly fine with this, it's nice they like to update me on their lives or ask advice here and there.

I have one who since I have become single (divorce) seems to try to flirt with me. He is still a very vulnerable person and I feel quite awkward with his communication. I think it would be quite devastating to him if I simply didn't ever speak to him but I'm at the point of needing to establish boundaries without humiliating him

I've tried joking that he's far too young for myself. Until now I've sort of batted away his comments and just made sure I haven't responded to anything in a flirty manner back so if he puts xxx I just say "take care" or what have you

I'm at the point though of feeling quite uncomfortable with this persistent idea that he can try his luck here and there when for years I have never given him any impression that anything will ever happen yet he keeps popping up every few weeks now with what if he was any other person I would have a long time ago said please don't do that to me rather than simply ignored or tried to change the subject

If I say it too gently, it will be ignored. If I say it too harshly - I risk him self harming quite badly

I'm no longer in any professional capacity to him and haven't been for years but I am very worried that if I handle this badly it will factor as a major thing in his life due to my past professional relationship with him. My old clients do see me as someone who was fairly significant in their lives (trying to not completely out myself but explain)

No it wouldn't be fair on them or him. I have some idea now of roughly what I will say though

Thank you!

But ‘I’m not in the country’ or ‘I’m too old’ isn’t telling him it can’t happen. He’s just going to think he can move and that he doesn’t think you’re too old. You need to tell him nicely that you will not have a personal relationship with an ex client because you don’t feel it is apropriate. Don’t make him think that rules are keeping you apart or age or distance or anything else. He needs to know you don’t want it to happen and it never will.
There ha e been some good suggestions re wording earlier in the thread.

Most organisations would sack you for this unprofessional contact. He should never have been able to find you on social media as your site should be locked down with private settings. As you are now in this mess you should tell your line manager and give full disclosure. Going forward make it clear to all vunerable people you work with that's it's against safeguarding rules to be in contact on social media. You need to send a good message to that effect and in follow them. It is lively to hear from people and they can contact you through work email , phone or letter but never ever social media.

Block him

Rtft no funking. It’s still inappropriate but she’s not been in that role for many years.

Hi Dave.
I’m going to come off social media. Been nice chatting and I wish you all the best. Regards.

The block him and turn your setting super private so you can’t be searched for.

Get rid of any ex clients.

I'm really glad that I can keep up to date with how you are doing. But I can only offer friendship and nothing more. I can't have posts about me on FB.

buggerbrexit I have read it twice now, it does not matter how many years she left position my points are still valid. If she is currently in a caring role this would be frowned upon by current employers. These rules exist to protect us from these very scenarios and the vunerable clients who could be harmed if/ when it goes wrong.
I was harsh sorry Op, you sound lovely my advice is a general warning to others in same situation as I've seen to go badly wrong ( sacked) for a colleague of mine a few years ago and more recently a friend has a weird stalker ex pupil which should have been avoided.

Your advice is only of any use if she is still in the role - contact your line manager etc. The OP is now in a different country.

Yes, it’s inappropriate and she shouldn’t have got into this position, but she doesn’t have a line manager to contact if she’s no longer in that role or a role in a similar field

@Nofunkingworriesmate

I'm in a completely different industry in a completely different country. I don't think my current employers would be in the least bit interested and I'm being careful not to out but not accepting on fb would honestly be stranger in this situation!

Thanks everyone for your help, I have a message composed now!

Hmm, it's tricky but given his mental age it's stick with something as simple as possible, like this:

"I'm really glad to hear you're doing well, but we cannot discuss anything like this because of my old job as a XXXXX supporting you. We're not allowed to be anything more than professional."

Personally, I wouldn't have contact with any patient/client (vulnerable or not) on my social media. It opens up several cans of worms and it's very unprofessional.

Dear John
How are you? I'm well and doing XYZ
John, I like to hear how you are doing but I must ask you not to write to me in a way that sounds like you want to go out with me. You know that would not be right and it would never happen. I was your [counsellor/ teacher/ foster carer] and I don't want you to get muddled up about how you feel about me. If you keep saying things like [A,B and C] I wont be able to answer your messages which would be a pity. I'm sure you understand.
Tell me more about [your hobby/ dog/holiday]. etc.
Take care
Mumsknees

I don’t care how long ago it was, you shouldn’t have friended them.

At the very least, consider either locking down what you post to just actual real friends, or starting a second account for your real friends and just posting occasional benign things in your usual profile.

You won’t though. Clearly.

Yes, I'd go with the professional relationship with him, not appropriate.

I think TownHall has the right idea. No flirting is best.

In future I'd probably try and comment only on the non-flirty things. So if he compliments you I'd ignore the compliment but respond to the other part of the comment.

I like Feefeetrixabelle's comment, "The next time he asks about a boyfriend just reply I’m afraid I’m not available . It’s not a lie you aren’t available to date him but you can spare his feelings."

I would ignore his messages and not respond at all.... he will maybe getting tired of it if you dont answer...

I am doing this to everybody who I dont want to talk to..... I dont have to explain myself

you are not his therapist or whatever anymore.... just ignore him
if he will comment on your timeline and if its inappropriate, then just delete the comment

he will get the message

tough love will cure him better than a constant conversation with him
just ignore