Please help me construct a firm nice response?

[mumsknees]

Some years ago now I worked with a group of vulnerable people. I left a long time ago and some of my clients over the years found me on Facebook and message me from time to time. I am mostly fine with this, it's nice they like to update me on their lives or ask advice here and there.

I have one who since I have become single (divorce) seems to try to flirt with me. He is still a very vulnerable person and I feel quite awkward with his communication. I think it would be quite devastating to him if I simply didn't ever speak to him but I'm at the point of needing to establish boundaries without humiliating him

I've tried joking that he's far too young for myself. Until now I've sort of batted away his comments and just made sure I haven't responded to anything in a flirty manner back so if he puts xxx I just say "take care" or what have you

I'm at the point though of feeling quite uncomfortable with this persistent idea that he can try his luck here and there when for years I have never given him any impression that anything will ever happen yet he keeps popping up every few weeks now with what if he was any other person I would have a long time ago said please don't do that to me rather than simply ignored or tried to change the subject

If I say it too gently, it will be ignored. If I say it too harshly - I risk him self harming quite badly

I'm no longer in any professional capacity to him and haven't been for years but I am very worried that if I handle this badly it will factor as a major thing in his life due to my past professional relationship with him. My old clients do see me as someone who was fairly significant in their lives (trying to not completely out myself but explain)

Yeah unfortunately I need to say whatever I say quite simply. I don't think this particular ex client would understand things like the words insinuation or platonic

It makes it so much harder as he will have no understanding of how inappropriate he is being towards me

He's mentally at least twenty years younger than he actually is so it isn't adult to adult communication

tbh I would just delete facebook (I have and it is liberating)

The next time he asks about a boyfriend just reply I’m afraid I’m not available . It’s not a lie you aren’t available to date him but you can spare his feelings. And maybe contact his current support worker so she can chat to him about why legally that someone your seeing can never be him.

No, I'm no longer in that profession. This was years ago! And at least 7-8 years had passed when I left before I had any of them add me. Due to the age difference too I never really expected this scenario would enter his head

Restricting what posts he can see is also a good idea.

You have already been given very very advice/suggested responses.

I'm struggling to understand why you can't just cut and paste them?

You really need to unfriend him. You’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

Whether you’re still in the profession or not I think it was still unwise to add ex clients. There was always a potential for something like this to happen and your past professional relationship has now put you in a really tricky situation.

thanks so much for keeping me up to date.its nice to hear how people ive worked with are.but I do have to keep it a firm rule of my own that I never would go further with clients than patient to support worker so --- lets keep it that way yeh.

If you start talking about shaky ground and not being allowed then the obvious question is why are they on your fb at all.
Perhaps phrasing it as a lesson in Internet safety fid him, ie "please remember when you post on my page all of my friends can see it. It's lovely to hear how youre getting on but because we've worked together we can't ever date and it's not okay to suggest or joke about it".

Put up a message that you are deleting Facebook- then delete it. If you want to keep in touch with family and friends on that platform, set up a new profile and lock it down so no one else can see it.

Also, in the profession or not, it's a bad idea to add clients on social.

If he won't understand the usual professional "back off" speak then you don't have much choice other than just tell him that it's making you feel uncomfortable because you don't think of him in that way and you would like it to stop. Ask him not to comment on your photos, but tell him you'd still like to hear about what he's up to etc.

you can personalise to make it so that he cant see photos.and if as you say your worried him seeing other clients can then you can also bung a few friends into groups so yo ucould do all ur client into one and then make them see just the very limited view.

You seem to get coming up with excuses as to why you can't do anything about this.

The whole thing is utterly completely inappropriate. Severely.

You should photograph his comments, for evidence, then delete them, restrict what he can see, and then and use most of the suggested responses to message him. All that can be done straight away.

I worked with vunerable people in the community for 8 years. I had this similar problem too. I decided to delete all my service users from my fb. When they asked me why, I explained that I'm staff and staff cannot socialise with service users. This kept work relationships strictly professional. I felt alot better as it avoided any further inappropriate messages.

Even if it was years ago, surely you must remember basic social media rules? You really cannot accept vulnerable individuals on social media. Just no.

Are you still in touch with any of your old colleagues who still work there? Could they speak to him/deal with it? If not, are you able to contact the organisation and speak to someone there who could check up on him and address it gently?

As a big last resort if he really won't take the hint and you're worried about openly offending him - unless you're attached to your profile you could delete it entirely and start a new one and not add ANY of your previous clients? Perhaps change your name slightly? or a different arrangement /use only first and middle name if you don't want them to find you.

I'm a bit concerned that Squeeless's message implies that you might be interested if it weren't for the previous professional relationship. I think you need to be very clear that his behaviour would not be appropriate under any circumstances. He might try it on someone else less understanding than you. But mainly because it is making you uncomfortable.

Has someone else taken over your role with him and do you know them? If so you could contact them and maybe they could help (not entirely sure if this is likely as I don't know what you did)

I think something more like RandomMess's suggestion would be clearer.

Unfortunately or fortunately I'm not even in the country where he is so if I did just simply delete it would factor as a rejection as there's not really any other way to communicate with me

It's very much a fantasy and a strange one given who I was in his life and my age difference. Just pointing out the obvious that we don't live in the same country and I'm far too old hasn't previously been enough to gently bat him away.

It's not that I can't copy and paste... it's that I'm considering and composing and have responded to questions asked

Alternatively factor in a new rule about not being allowed thme on fb and delete them all.

I know he'll be engaged with some service but as to who it might be I have no idea so no can't contact anyone and I don't want to embarrass the chap just be clearer and firmer than I've been before.

I think perhaps you were their foster parent but obviously you can neither confirm or deny.

Gosh, this is tricky Could you say something along the lines of "I think you're great but we won't ever be girlfriend and boyfriend because I don't think of you like that. I'm telling you so that you can go and find someone who does like you in that way". Or is that too blunt?

Could you request your other ex clients who he is still in touch with to look out for him in the immediate aftermath of you giving him the message?

You,have had some excellent suggestions and good messages you can use combination no tact and boundary setting

Just put him on limited profile and please do not accept any more vulnerable individuals!