To ask if this would upset you?

[Revengebodynow]

Saw a friend yesterday and she mentioned that I put on weight, which I have. Weigh 18st now,

anyway I told DH what she said, and he said " yeah my mum said the same thing, you look bigger now".

I don't have a good relationship with his mum, we're just cordial. No closeness there, but I don't know, I just feel upset she's speaking about me and my weight behind my back

Um, I don't believe your friend is being kind or caring. It is very hurtful as no doubt you know you are already overweight and do not need her drawing attention to it.

At size 18 I would be very surprised if this was a 'serious' health issue and I am sure you already know it would better if you were fitter etc but putting you down and making you feel like crap is not the way to do it!

I would not be seeing this this so called friend anymore, she can take her 'well intentioned honesty' elsewhere. You don't need friends like this If on the other hand she was encouraging you quietly to join her for walks, go to a dance class etc this would be a much kinder thing for her to do.

Drop her. Tell the others to mind their own, and you and you alone can decide if you want to get fit or whether you are happy as you are.

I'm in two minds with the friend. What are friends for? Keeping quiet and minding their own business whilst secretly worrying what's going on? Assuming she said it in a "concerned about you" manner and was offering support, asking if everything is OK etc, what is spiteful about that?

Having said that if she just said "you've put on weight" then gone to get another coffee etc, of course that is rude.

I may be in the minority but I would want and expect my friends and partner to tell me.
I realise it can't have been nice to hear but it sounds like it was borne of concern. If you are happy with your weight, tell them you'd prefer not to discuss it again. If you're not, maybe take this feeling as an incentive to make a few changes to feel better about yourself.
I'm sorry they hurt your feelings though.

18 stone is very big. Others will talk about anyone behind their back who weighs that. Its not nice, but if you are gaining weight, then I'd imagine your family are very worried about you.

snowy not size 18, 18st.

I think they’re worried about your health. Takes a bit of courage to mention it.

OP. You could have posted on here that you are 12 stone and a bit overweight, and people would have said the same thing. That being over a certain weight makes you fair game for any comments, be they outright insults or "concern".

"I don't know any woman who has put on lots of weight who hasn't been acutely aware of it themselves. People very rarely need others to mention it." - Mirri really says it all - there is no need to mention it under any circumstances, but a majority on here think they'd be doing you a massive favour.

How do you feel about it all OP, are you one of those who thinks that if you are overweight you deserve to have it shoved in your face or do you think hang on these people clearly have less respect for me than they would for their friends who weigh less?

I think we need to step away from having to tiptoe around talking about weight. We all know that being overweight is bad for your health- maybe if people felt able to point it out and offer help/encouragement to lose weight at an earlier stage it wouldn't spiral out of control for some people

How would it help though? People know they are overweight and don't need it pointing out. Most people are trying to do something about it, if only it were that easy to lose weight.

Who are you upset with though? You know you have put on weight, do you expect people not to notice? Your friend wasn't necessarily being unkind, just as you might tell a close friend if they look like they have lost weight. Your MIL hasn't said it To you, so you can't be upset with her, and your DH was just being honest.

I would be upset but more with myself for putting the weight on (I have been in that boat so not trying to be rude). Hope you feel better op x

And it's not like people don't already talk about weight and trying to lose weight pretty freely in general conversation. I can't remember a day going by at work where someone doesn't mention diet. It's not a taboo subject, yet people are overweight because it's very difficult to lose it.

Your weight is nobody else's bloody business. You are an adult, you don't need people pointing out what you can see for yourself.

maybe if people felt able to point it out and offer help/encouragement to lose weight at an earlier stage it wouldn't spiral out of control for some people

I'm literally speechless at this - dont know who posted it I am quoting from someone who quoted them but what a fucking moronic thing to say - many overweight people have been bullied about their weight, I've had workmen shouting out "oi lardy" since I was 14, yeah people never STOP "mentioning" it so basically we should all be 7 stone and rocking a size 4 if that worked.

FFS I cannot believe that.

It’s quite rude to mention someone’s weight. BUT, if they’re genuinely concerned, that obviously trumps the need for good manners.

If it’s said in a “oh you’re a total embarrassment” kind of way, that’s different to “you look bigger now and could there be something causing it”? If it’s a sudden gain for example, it’s sometimes down to low mood or other health issues.

I'd be upset with all of them. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.

Also, all this "overweight = unhealthy" and of course every overweight people needs being concerned over, is rubbish. There's plenty of slim people out there who drink too much, smoke too much, eat fatty, fried food, who's arteries are probably full of shit but you'd never know because they're lucky enough to have a good metabolism!

One of my old bosses used to be very heavy for her night. I recall she said she was a size 22 and 18 stone and 5ft3. So rather large.
She went on a massive fitness and diet regime and got down to a size 10.
One thing she did say was that she knew she was big but didn't realise she was THAT big! An has also said ' why the hell didn't anyone say anything and act like it was normal.

I guess you can't win. Say something and people are unhappy, don't say anything and people are still not happy.

I totally agree cecelia, but this sounds like a sudden gain. If a friend suddenly lost or gained weight which put them into an unhealthy bmi range, then yes I would be concerned. Someone who is otherwise fit and healthy but had always been overweight? No, I wouldn’t be concerned about that or mention it.

I find this very odd and you’ll get the ‘say it how it is brigade’ coming along saying but you are big so people can be as nasty and cruel as they like.

But what about your feelings? I wouldn’t say to someone ‘isn’t your hairline receding’ ‘haven’t you got a lot of spots’.

Don’t really know what the answer is but I’d feel rubbish about it too 💐

I don’t think I would ever comment on a friends weight even if I was worried about her health, surely if your overweight you know you are?

I hate it when people say to me “oh, your looking healthy” because usually this is when I have gained weight and I don’t feel healthy.

Rude. This is so unnecessary - I am sure that you are perfectly aware that you have gained weight without this being pointed out to you

“You’re looking healthy” is definitely code for “you’ve gained weight”.

I have to say, I’ve never actually mentioned anyone’s weight to them. But I know I would be concerned if a friend or relative suddenly gained a lot. I still wouldn’t mention it, but I can see why someone would. There’s also the “why didn’t you tell me I was so big?” thing. I’ve also had this. Can’t win.

It’s not nice or polite but 18 stone isn’t healthy. Perhaps they love you and care for your health?

I would say someone looks well when I mean they look well and ook fit and healthy, it's not a comment on weight.

I think I'm more upset about MIL saying it, because we've never got on, I don't like her and she's always had this habit of talking to DH about me, then coming round to the house and pretend like nothing happened, and smiling in my face.

It's always been like this. It could be anything from my weight, til how I cook/clean. I just don't like two faced people, and she's always been like this.

But tbh I'm mostly annoyed and angry with myself, I've been trying to lose weight since beginning of this year, hopefully I can shift a stone or two before Christmas.