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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend doesn't take my MH issues seriously

72 replies

DavidBowiesEgyptianLoincloth · 26/09/2018 13:55

I've done a name change for this because I've posted about the same friend before and don't want the dots to be joined...

I've been friends with this person for almost 30 years, since the first year of secondary school in fact. She has always been a sunny, optimistic type and is also stunningly attractive. I've struggled since my teenage years with depression and bulimia and I admit I've allowed myself to become quite isolated as a result. Having her as a friend has generally been good for me because her cheerfulness can rub off on me, but there are also times when I find it difficult to spend time around her because she isn't very empathetic about why I struggle with some things.

For example - I've been overweight for most of my life, loathe the way I look, and feel horribly self-conscious when clothes shopping. She has a lovely figure and can't understand why I don't enjoy having a girly day of trying stuff on. I was her bridesmaid when she got married and she put me in this pale short satin number, along with two other friends who were both about three stone lighter than me. I tried so hard not to ruin her day but I still can't look at the photos with me in, as I look like I'm about to burst into tears in them all!

Another example - she is married with a child and I haven't had a relationship for nearly 20 years because I haven't been able to face the idea of letting another person get close to me and/or seeing me naked. And yet my friend keeps inviting me to get-togethers with a load of other couples with children where I'm the only one who's single and childless, and then doesn't understand why I don't want to go. I have tried to explain how I feel about being the odd one out and she just brushes me off with "don't be so silly".

I get the feeling that she doesn't actually believe that I have mental health issues and thinks I'm making it up to get out of doing things that I don't want to do. I once tried to talk to her about my bulimia and she just said "but you don't need to lose weight", so I've never mentioned it to her again. Similarly, I told her that I was using anti-depressants and she asked me what I had to be depressed about, as if it ought to have a specific cause.

I feel like her life has become so radically different to mine that we don't have anything much in common any more, and our friendship is based on our shared past. I'm not sure what she gets out of being my friend, although there must be something because she does make an effort to stay in touch. WIBU to limit the things we do together and try to avoid the gatherings that make me feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 26/09/2018 14:03

Well, we change an awful lot between the ages of 11 and fortysomething.

She doesn't sound like someone with any emotional intelligence or empathy.

Accept her for what she is and keep contact minimal and to what you are comfortable with. She certainly isn't going to change.

Do you have other, more understanding friends?

recklessruby · 26/09/2018 14:11

We do change as we get older but I think she lacks empathy.
I don't like the story of the bridesmaids dress either. Has she always been the one to have to shine? She should be supporting you and not making you feel uncomfortable.
I hate people that ask what you have to be depressed about. Nothing. It's a chemical imbalance and an illness.
Please don't feel you have to justify yourself to her. Doctors don't give out ads for the fun of it.
And I hope you have some nice caring friends as well OP coz she seems hard work.

NonaGrey · 26/09/2018 14:36

She’s a naturally cheerful optimistic person. You recognise that her sunny nature is good for you.

She’s a long term friend who makes an effort to stay in touch and invite you to the things she’s hosting.

Despite the fact you don’t have much in common, she still invites and includes you.

She doesn’t care how you look because she loves you. She asked you to be her bridesmaid because she wanted you there in her photos.

She doesn’t understand your MH problems but she isn’t brushing you off because of them.

I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

frecklefox · 26/09/2018 14:41

It sounds like this is all the way you feel, not anything she's actually said to you (not taking that away from you, you are totally entitled to your feelings).

Your post does sound like she tries to include you in everything because she values your friendship, not because she's trying to rub your nose in anything. She was being kind when she said you didn't need to lose weight, and she was trying to understand what was making you depressed when he asked why, not trying to undermine it. OP, she actually sounds lovely and like she's trying to help, I'm not sure what else you'd want her to do or say. I really hope you see the good in her and don't push her away because she sounds like a real ally for you.

Tinty · 26/09/2018 14:45

What @NonaGrey said.

Sirzy · 26/09/2018 14:46

Or the other way to look at it is that she is trying to do her best to make sure you are given the chance to be involved in things.

A lot of this seems to be your interpretation rather than anything that has actually been said.

LusaCole · 26/09/2018 14:47

YANBU to limit contact with her if that’s what you’d like to do.

But. Loads of people complain that they lose touch with old friends as soon as the friend has a baby, because they only want to hang out with their new mum friends. It’s to her credit that she keeps inviting you to things. I think she’s trying to be nice, not cruel.

I agree with you that she probably doesn’t understand the seriousness of your mental health issues. That’s not entirely her fault though - it’s very hard to empathise fully unless you have them yourself, or have a family member who does.

At the end of the day it’s your decision though.

MissLadyM · 26/09/2018 14:48

I think she sounds like a bitch. She uses your insecurities to make herself feel better. Find a friend who listens and cares about you

NonaGrey · 26/09/2018 14:51

I think she sounds like a bitch. She uses your insecurities to make herself feel better.

How on earth do you get that from the OP Miss? She’s a bitch because she invites her long term friend to her parties and to be her bridesmaid?

Daisymalone · 26/09/2018 14:57

I think she sounds lovely and is doing her best to include you in everything and making positive comments about your appearance etc to try to lift you up! It is difficult for naturally sunny people to understand depression - I struggle and sometimes find myself trying to 'fix' things for people to pull them out of it, even though I know that's not the answer! She sounds like she's trying her best to be in your life.

BelindaTheBadger · 26/09/2018 15:01

I also think she sounds perfectly nice. That said, it doesn’t sound like you like her so much anymore..? In which case, it’s completely fine to see less of her, if that’s what you want.

nokidshere · 26/09/2018 15:08

Lesser friends would have dropped you by now though. She invites you and tries to include you I her life even though it's vastly different to hers. She can't magic up overweight, anxious, single friends for you but she wants you around because you are her friend.. she may well understand your issues but be unable to do anything about them other than still keep you in her life, or maybe she just thinks that being around her friends might boost you up a bit.

Either way it's your call really. If you want to see less of her then do but do it because of your own feelings and not because you think you know what hers are.

As an aside, why not try meeting up an actually talking through your issues with her. It might help both of you to be honest with each other about how you feel

serbska · 26/09/2018 15:09

my friend keeps inviting me to get-togethers with a load of other couples with children where I'm the only one who's single and childless, and then doesn't understand why I don't want to go. I have tried to explain how I feel about being the odd one out and she just brushes me off with "don't be so silly"

Woudl you ratehr she didn;t invite you over at all?

serbska · 26/09/2018 15:10

wow something went wrong with my typing there!

Meltedicicle · 26/09/2018 15:11

I think your friend sounds really nice. She’s made an effort to keep in touch and invites you things and clearly thinks you’re a good friend. If you have been depressed etc for such a long time I think it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be massively empathetic for all of that time, she can only do so much for you and it sounds like she has tried her best.

Coffeeandcrochet · 26/09/2018 15:13

I think your reactions to her are coloured by your depression. This isn’t your fault, but it also doesn’t mean she is necessarily a bad person or bad friend. It sounds to me like she is doing her best to be a good friend to you, even if she might miss the mark sometimes. If you need to withdraw from her to protect your MH then so be it, but please try not to blame her (or yourself!)

userblablabla · 26/09/2018 15:16

I think she sounds like a good friend! A lot of my friends completely stopped bothering with me due to my MH issues. The few friends who kept inviting me along to things even though I often said no are the ones I really valued.

Original poster

DavidBowiesEgyptianLoincloth · 26/09/2018 15:25

OK, I will try to address everyone's points, although now I'm struggling because I don't seem to have come across very well and I really don't want people to think I'm a horrible shit.

I gave a couple of examples of times when I don't feel that my friend has taken my issues seriously, but they aren't the only times it's happened. I have mentioned in the past that I'm having a particularly hard time with depression and she has looked extremely uncomfortable and then quickly changed the subject. And yes, OK, I know it's not all about me, but if your good friend of many years' standing tells you that they are suffering from a condition that you don't know very much about, would you not want to find out? I have another friend with EDS, which I hadn't even heard of before I met her, so I went online and read as much as I could about it. Because I wanted to understand what my friend was going through, and be supportive.

I am absolutely and gratefully appreciative of the fact that she's trying to involve me in her life even though she now has a baby. I know that's rare. I would just like it if I felt able to be honest with her about how things are going for me.

MissLadyM no, she's not a bitch, she's a genuine, kind person who nevertheless doesn't always get where I'm coming from.

OP posts:

mypointofview · 26/09/2018 15:28

You don't have to be anyone's friend.

But these sound like your issues, to be honest. She may simply not have the space or knowledge to support you in exactly the way you want. She doesn't have to. Nor do you have to be around her. But I don't think she's done anything wrong and you sound like you're not in a position to dump people who care about you. But weigh it up and do what seems best.

Coffeeandcrochet · 26/09/2018 15:31

she's a genuine, kind person who nevertheless doesn't always get where I'm coming from.

From what you’ve already described your assessment here sounds spot on. All I can say is...everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and different friends bring different things to our lives. Clearly she does struggle to empathise with your depression, so maybe she will never be your go-to friend for talking about that, but if she brings other good things to your life then I think you should accept her limitations as I hope she accepts yours.

Coffeeandcrochet · 26/09/2018 15:33

Oh, and I don’t think anyone here could possibly think you’re a ‘horrible shit’! That’s the depression talking again I think, as you sound perfectly nice to me

AlphaBravo · 26/09/2018 15:37

I don't think she lacks empathy, or anything like that at all.

"And yet my friend keeps inviting me to get-togethers with a load of other couples with children where I'm the only one who's single and childless" What is the issue here? She treats you like a normal human being?

YABU OP and I think you need to get a grip personally. Your friend is being nice and treating you like a friend and inviting you to things because, shocker, that's what friends do.

Original poster

DavidBowiesEgyptianLoincloth · 26/09/2018 15:40

@AlphaBravo get a grip? That's really uncalled for. You don't sound like you much understand depression either.

OP posts:

AlphaBravo · 26/09/2018 15:44

Incorrect @DavidBowiesEgyptianLoincloth I understand it perfectly, I have suffered with it since I was very young.

I also understand and recognise when people use it as a crutch and an excuse to pull things apart in their life.

You clearly have more issues than depression, but I'm sure you're aware of them too.

MysteriousQuinn · 26/09/2018 15:45

I'd probably be like her as a friend. It's hard for someone who is the 'happy go lucky' type to understand depression. But it sounds like she is trying to boost you up and help you in the only way she knows how. She may be off the mark but it sounds like she's trying her best.

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