My friend doesn't take my MH issues seriously

[DavidBowiesEgyptianLoincloth]

I've done a name change for this because I've posted about the same friend before and don't want the dots to be joined...

I've been friends with this person for almost 30 years, since the first year of secondary school in fact. She has always been a sunny, optimistic type and is also stunningly attractive. I've struggled since my teenage years with depression and bulimia and I admit I've allowed myself to become quite isolated as a result. Having her as a friend has generally been good for me because her cheerfulness can rub off on me, but there are also times when I find it difficult to spend time around her because she isn't very empathetic about why I struggle with some things.

For example - I've been overweight for most of my life, loathe the way I look, and feel horribly self-conscious when clothes shopping. She has a lovely figure and can't understand why I don't enjoy having a girly day of trying stuff on. I was her bridesmaid when she got married and she put me in this pale short satin number, along with two other friends who were both about three stone lighter than me. I tried so hard not to ruin her day but I still can't look at the photos with me in, as I look like I'm about to burst into tears in them all!

Another example - she is married with a child and I haven't had a relationship for nearly 20 years because I haven't been able to face the idea of letting another person get close to me and/or seeing me naked. And yet my friend keeps inviting me to get-togethers with a load of other couples with children where I'm the only one who's single and childless, and then doesn't understand why I don't want to go. I have tried to explain how I feel about being the odd one out and she just brushes me off with "don't be so silly".

I get the feeling that she doesn't actually believe that I have mental health issues and thinks I'm making it up to get out of doing things that I don't want to do. I once tried to talk to her about my bulimia and she just said "but you don't need to lose weight", so I've never mentioned it to her again. Similarly, I told her that I was using anti-depressants and she asked me what I had to be depressed about, as if it ought to have a specific cause.

I feel like her life has become so radically different to mine that we don't have anything much in common any more, and our friendship is based on our shared past. I'm not sure what she gets out of being my friend, although there must be something because she does make an effort to stay in touch. WIBU to limit the things we do together and try to avoid the gatherings that make me feel uncomfortable?

1. sheis a long term friend 2) she makes an attempt to include you 3) she gets it wrong and you are unhappy about this.

Only you really know if she's a good kind friend or not. But if she makes mistakes You have a Mouth in your Head. You could start saying to her "I really hate this dress and I feel awful in it, please can we find something more suitable. " or I'd like to see you but I HATE clothes shopping, can we please do something we both enjoy. or instead of the dinner parties with couples suggest going to see a chick flick together or have cocktails somewhere nice or the theatre, You've known her too long to just keep getting talked into things. If you know how things are panning out - you have a chance to think of a way to do it differently and speak up for yourself.

You need to get someone ( not your friend) to talk to about your issues. If weigh worries you, then think of some small steps you can take to start getting yourself back on track. You can buy nice clothes for your current size and get advice about shopping from someone who understands these things Get your hair done for a boost.
Plan some new social events that don't necessarily include this friend so that your time with her loses its impact. If you feel she's saying something upsetting, tell her, communicate, Ask her point of view, maybe her life isn't all roses, but stop thinking that you are so far behind her and focus on making what's good in your life and building on that

Either way I hope you are seeing a therapist because you obviously need it badly. Judging from your description if she benefits you in her own way then you should accept her weaknesses as well. Be careful and be polite too.

Don’t end a friendship over something so silly and worth persevering for. Seriously. Honestly she does seem like a lovely person. I wish I had more friends like that.

Ok, so let me be devils advocate here,

I’ve cut many people out for not understanding my MH problems.

But most recently I’ve realised myself that it’s not that they think you are a liar, but they can’t understand because their reality is very different.

Understanding someone loathing themselves and feeling uncomfortable with who they are, isn’t something that she is able to understand because she likes herself. It’s something myself and my husband have discussed recently as I’ve. Not understood how we actually share the same life but my MH issues mean I’m scared about 90% of the time and he says he feels scared maybe 5% of the time.

And she loves you that’s why she doesn’t tend to see much of it the same way as you. You can’t see the things in people you love, that they can in themselves when they’re depressed or have body image problems.

Xx

She doesn't sound like she's a bad person OP.
The trouble with depression is that it's sometimes easy to fall into a trap of 'blaming' others for the way you feel.
Are her actions making you feel bad or do you feel bad because comparing your life to her 'perfect' (I'm sure it's not in reality) life is so painful?

Also how much of an effort do you make to query her struggles and feelings? Do you sit down and ask her if she's OK? If she needs anything.

I agree with what Alpha says. I have also suffered from depression, many people have by the time they are our age. I don’t have many friends but the ones I do have are friends for different reasons, they might not all be understanding when I have a bad day but why should they be, it’s not their fault if I’m feeling unhappy with my body or if I’m feeling unhappy for being single. I don’t expect them to treat me differently or to think before they invite me out shopping, I’m just pleased they do invite me out. As for going back out with friends who are married or in relationships, it doesn’t bother me as I see the plus points of being single. I’m sure my friends think I’m the happy bubbly one because that’s the side of them theynget to see when we do go out, if I’m having a bad day then I don’t go out as I don’t want to make anyone else feel miserable (so i make an excuse and stay at home).

It sounds like your friend tries hard to involve you in things, I don’t think she’s being selfish, being selfish would be to give up asking you to do things?

@obmolov18 my comment was aimed at the likes of alpha but I don’t consider your post to be that supportive to be honest. She’s not lucky her friend has stuck around. That’s what a friend does. Stays by you during good and bad. She should expect her friend to do that.

I also don’t think you derailing the thread by getting on the defensive to be pretty supportive either.

I think your friend does sound committed to your friendship OP and you'd be silly to throw that away; essentially because of your rock bottom self esteem. Your opening thread is chock a block with assumptions; you would really benefit from NLP type counselling to try and challenge some of your own beliefs that seem to fuel your misery. You don't sound old. There's lots of time to change this and turn a new leaf in soooo many ways. Hang onto your friends optimistic outlook, you need a bit of that in your life....but you've got to take some actions. She does sound a bit dismissive but I think you are the one who is sadly more out of kilter on this.

She’s not lucky her friend has stuck around. That’s what a friend does. Stays by you during good and bad. She should expect her friend to do that.

Be honest though. It's not always easy with people who are mentally ill is it?

Some people try their absolute hardest but in the end (for various reasons) they have to give up and sometimes that goes for family too.

So actually the OP is lucky that her depression hasn't driven her friend away.

@worraliberty your absolutely right there. It’s not easy. At all. But clearly there is something about the OP that makes her worth sticking around for. Her friend can see it. The OP needs help. And posting about mental health is hard. She shouldn’t be being told to get a grip by people or to think she deserves to be ditched. Because clearly there is something so amazing about her that her depression hasn’t stopped her friendship. And she deserves to know that.

Derailing? Hardly.

Don’t lose her Op
She sounds like something very positive in your life

There is nothing in what you described about your friend that doesn’t sound anything other than that she is an absolutely wonderful and very loyal friend. If anything, you do come across as a bit disloyal and self-absorbed. She never excludes you and bends over backwards to keep you in her life. She thinks of you so highly, she made you her bridesmaid. It wasn’t about you on her wedding day, it was her moment. You do come across as incredibly self-centred and should appreciate that she actually wants to remain your friend despite all of your negativity. She is not a therapist nor there to pander to all of your issues. You seem to be set on keeping some strict roles in your relationship with her, you are the one suffering with all the woes in the world and she is eternal Miss Sunshine who has everything (according to you). For all you know she has her own struggles but you are so focused on your own issues, it would not even occur to you to ever consider that she might have some problems too. I do think that your gripe about her is part or your overall negative mindset and issues but you are BU to lay that on her. I am not sure I would have the energy or patience for your perpetual gloom and what sounds a bit like toxic jealousy. Yes, mental health issues are sad but it’s not an automatic trump card over anyone else and their own problems. If you don’t want to come, all you have to do is politely decline the invitation. But perhaps you should try to be a bit less self-centred and really look beyond your own assumptions. Mental health issues are really not a carte blanche to be this ungracious and presumptuous.

I agree FeeFee that she shouldn't be told to get a grip, but no-one has told her she deserves to be ditched.

It is very hard for people who dont experience anxiety and depression to.understand it. I speak as one of the none understanders, I'm afraid
I have family members who have suffered from depression and I have tried to be supportive, as has your friend, but I can't picture it and I'm just floundering. But it doesn't mean that I don't care or am not trying. I am just fortunate.

I have to disagree with a lot of people on here. Your friend mar be a lovely person with a sunny nature but that doesn't mean she is good for you.

I once tried to talk to her about my bulimia and she just said "but you don't need to lose weight", so I've never mentioned it to her again. Similarly, I told her that I was using anti-depressants and she asked me what I had to be depressed about

This is hugely invaliding and shows a great lack of empathy and compassion. She may think she loves you as you are, which seems to be what she's trying to say with the not needing to lose weight comments, but to be so blatantly dismissive of mental illness means she doesn't care that much. Personally I think you could do better.

But I'm increasingly feeling like a bad person and an awful friend who deserves to be dumped

I think that is the opposite of what most people in the thread are saying OP.

Many people find long term illness very difficult to support in there friends. Mental illness even more so.

You would have looked up everything you could about the illness if the situations were reversed, but that’s how you offer friendship. Your sunny friend offers friendship by including you, being kind to you and inviting you out places. That’s how she offers friendship.

Our friends don’t have to be perfect, to a certain extent we have to take from them what they are able to offer.

She’s not good at emotional support, or doesn’t have the bandwidth because she has small D.C. or whatever so don’t look for that from her. Look for that elsewhere.

Value her for what she can give as she values you for what you give to her.

None of us are perfect. It would be a lonely world if we demanded that from our friends.

Be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. I think you would regret it and it sounds like you friend would too.

I wouldnt cut contact with her.

You are ill and that is why you are feeling bad. She isnt making you feel bad or trying to make you feel bad she is just doing what normal friends do. Trying to include you in things and trying to be cheery. She just doesnt understand depression but then she is a friend not a counsellor.
Id just take the good things which she has to offer in a friendship, and it sounds like she has lots to offer.

I know that depression can make you quite self indulgent... I dont mean that as an insult as I have suffered with depression in my life too. It makes you unable to see past your own emotions and makes the world coloured by your own emotions sometimes. You cannot expect other people to be as sensitive to your emotional world as you are.
People cannot be expected to alter their reasonable behaviour in order to work around how you are feeling or to try and make you feel better... mainly because their behaviour is not why you are feeling bad... its because you are depressed that you are feeling bad and viewing their behaviour as what is making you unhappy...

Please dont blame someone who clearly loves you and wants you in their life for making you feel sad/insecure when they are just doing perfectly normal things. If you cut contact with her you will still be depressed and anxious, only now without your long time friend who cares about you (even if she cannot fully understand what you are going through all the time)

Totally agree with NonaGrey.

I have great friends - the kind who I could call at 3am and they would come and get me. However, do they understand my (very long standing) MH difficulties or how I'm feeling about recently being diagnosed with a pretty life changing experience? No, how could they when it's never happened to them. I get that type of support from online friends on forums from people who can really understand .. but my real life friends give me so much too ! I actually think it's pretty selfish to rely on one friend for all your emotional needs. It's not fair on them.. other people have lives too.

You are aren't going to get sympathy from her. So you need to decide if it's worth staying friends for other positive things she brings to your life or whether not to bother too much with her and find a friend who will sympathise more. But in my opinion I think this friend is probably worth hanging on to because tbh a lot of people have their own problems and family difficulties and work difficulties and don't want to hear constant moaning all the time.

Are you sure she is being unsympathetic. You gold her about your bulimia and she said "but you don't need to lose weight." that could be her saying honestly thatt your weight is not as bad as you feel it is, but the conversation ended there. Also you mentioned depression and she asked what you had that was depressing you and the conversation stops there.That sort of sounds like an opening question from her in both cases. It might be that she didn't know what you thought the right response should be, but maybe both of you should have perservered and tried talking it out. Perhaps you should ty to talk to someone experienced in these matters before you try talking to her again.

With the sexes reversed, I could be the 'friend'.

It's not easy keeping in touch with a school friend with MH issues - but I do - because I am a loyal person, and do genuinely care for my friend of 30 years.

I try to learn about MH issues, and am grateful not to have any myself, but it is hard to block out the little voice in your head that says "FFS sort your shit out" as you visit yet again, whilst police are there, and crisis team are there (as I had to yesterday).

OP, I am glad your friend is keeping in touch, as I am sure you often are too.

Good luck!