My friend doesn't take my MH issues seriously

[DavidBowiesEgyptianLoincloth]

I've done a name change for this because I've posted about the same friend before and don't want the dots to be joined...

I've been friends with this person for almost 30 years, since the first year of secondary school in fact. She has always been a sunny, optimistic type and is also stunningly attractive. I've struggled since my teenage years with depression and bulimia and I admit I've allowed myself to become quite isolated as a result. Having her as a friend has generally been good for me because her cheerfulness can rub off on me, but there are also times when I find it difficult to spend time around her because she isn't very empathetic about why I struggle with some things.

For example - I've been overweight for most of my life, loathe the way I look, and feel horribly self-conscious when clothes shopping. She has a lovely figure and can't understand why I don't enjoy having a girly day of trying stuff on. I was her bridesmaid when she got married and she put me in this pale short satin number, along with two other friends who were both about three stone lighter than me. I tried so hard not to ruin her day but I still can't look at the photos with me in, as I look like I'm about to burst into tears in them all!

Another example - she is married with a child and I haven't had a relationship for nearly 20 years because I haven't been able to face the idea of letting another person get close to me and/or seeing me naked. And yet my friend keeps inviting me to get-togethers with a load of other couples with children where I'm the only one who's single and childless, and then doesn't understand why I don't want to go. I have tried to explain how I feel about being the odd one out and she just brushes me off with "don't be so silly".

I get the feeling that she doesn't actually believe that I have mental health issues and thinks I'm making it up to get out of doing things that I don't want to do. I once tried to talk to her about my bulimia and she just said "but you don't need to lose weight", so I've never mentioned it to her again. Similarly, I told her that I was using anti-depressants and she asked me what I had to be depressed about, as if it ought to have a specific cause.

I feel like her life has become so radically different to mine that we don't have anything much in common any more, and our friendship is based on our shared past. I'm not sure what she gets out of being my friend, although there must be something because she does make an effort to stay in touch. WIBU to limit the things we do together and try to avoid the gatherings that make me feel uncomfortable?

I agree with other posters that sometimes depression colours how you see the actions of others. You don’t have to stay friends with this woman but it seems like she’s tried quite hard to be a good friend to you.

You can't hold 'not understanding depression' against her though.

She's your friend (and a very good one by the sound of it), not a MH nurse.

Besides, even if she does understand a bit about it, depression is so individual to each sufferer.

I think you sound like a lovely person OP. You must be to have had someone be your friend for so long. I think however that your friend isn’t doing anything wrong. Her first response to your bulimia was clumsy but came from a good place. She was trying to reassure you. But it wasn’t what you needed to hear.

I think of mental health issues as being smart. They want to win. They want to control you. So they seek out every bit of happiness and turn it against you. And they see your friend. And they see how much you value her. And how much she means to you. And they want rid. Because while you have her you have hope. Mental health issues don’t like hope. So they start playing tricks on you. They start twisting innocent things. That’s not your fault, but to not hers either. Beating them means accepting that what they are trying to tell you is wrong

Are you seeing a gp or counsellor or getting any kind of support?

@alphabravo you should be ashamed of that comment. Would you tell someone with diabetes to get a grip during a hypo? No. Mental health issues need empathy not heartlessness.

Your OP might be better phrased as

"I have an old friend who keeps inviting me to stuff that I don't want to do, I find her increasingly superficial, AIBU to bin her off?"

You are allowed to bin off whoever you want, whenever you want.

She sounds lovely and includes you in everything. The fact she chose you to be her bridesmaid is MAJOR.

Literally everything you say in your post is negative. Your viewpoint and outlook on every single thing is really negative. That's worrying. Nothing positive at all.

Many lesser people would have dumped you by now. Be grateful she hasn't. You show no appreciation for all she's done with you, for you etc.

AlphaBravo it surprises me that someone with depression would tell a fellow sufferer to get a grip. As a choice of words, it's not far away from "pull yourself together" or "snap out of it". And yes, obviously I do have other issues, I said so in my OP. I don't enjoy being that way, believe me.

I don't think you sound horrible. I don't think she sounds horrible either.

I think your perception of the situation is coloured by your difficulties and possibly some envy of what looks, to the outside observer, like a pretty charmed life for your friend.

Her choice of bridesmaid dress seems insensitive. But then you say she told you you don't need to lose weight. Could she be right? Is your perception of your weight actually distorted by your low self esteem and eating disorder? Maybe you aren't as 'terrible' as you think you and maybe she isn't as blessed as she appears to you. We aren't always good at being objective about yourselves, especially when mental health issues are involved.

I would be careful about throwing away what could be a perfectly good and happy friendship that you're just struggling to recognise right now.

Of course it's equally likely that she is rather self absorbed, insensitive and lacking in empathy - but there's no way for us to know which it is from your posts.

I have an eating disorder too and I know how easy it is to turn everything inwards and make everything a negative. It's taken me a long time to realise it but I think the truth is, very few people care (or think much) about what an individual looks like except the individual themselves. People don't pay other people that much attention either. So when you think someone is looking at, belittling, laughing at or sabotaging you - the chances are that they aren't.

To be honest if I was invited to a group of couples with children I wouldn't want to go if I was single and had no children. In fact even if I was just single but had a child I wouldn't want to be the odd one out with everybody else a couple.

I am sure many would agree with me too.

Or - what FeeFee just said much better than I did!

Only people who have experience MH problems will really and truly understand how you feel. I've been on antidepressants for many years, yet only my immediate family understand me because they've lived with my ways. My 37yr old son knows, as he's been through some difficult times and is on medication.

About your friend - she sounds as though she means well, but she doesn't know how you really feel, and she wouldn't know how to help you.

Like you, I've had weight problems (not Bulimia or anything, but yo-yo dieting)but am now at my heaviest ever weight and thoroughly sick of myself. I'm 6 1/2 stone more than when I got married, 38 years ago.

My husband and sons have never once said anything about my weight, or ever suggested I should diet. They love me for myself. I don't love myself though, and that's MY problem. I'm now on another diet, this time, hopefully, to keep the weight off, or at least to get to a size I am comfortable with. I'll never be a size 10, but that's fine. I just want to be happy with myself. I do go to Zumba 3 times a week, and am sometimes the fattest there, but a couple of ladies who are fatter than me go, and we all make an effort.

Have you tried exercise? It does help to get a bit fitter, and it helps me to sleep better. I go with a size 12 friend, and she sometimes says the odd thing about how she hates her shape/weight/size, so even some slim women are not happy.

Be kind to yourself - look after your diet, your well-being, and start to get better. You can, and you will. xx

I think she really adores you as her friend.
Her empathy may be lacking because she is scared or that she cannot "fix you. She might be kicking herself for not being able to talk about it openly with you.

I also think If she didn't invite you to events (which I think she does cos she likes your company) you might be writing a thread on how your good mate excludes you.

I hope you have support for your MH issues and I hope you don't allow your self doubt to push away a long standing friend who appears to care (but is crap at discussing MH issues)

I'm with @NonaGrey.
It sounds like you're very focussed on your own perceptions and issues, which is a very common symptom and effect of depression.
But look at the bridesmaid example from another angle - you were so focussed on how you looked (when it didn't matter, you were not the centre of attention), that all her wedding photos now have a bridesmaid who looks like she's about to cry.

She is trying to include you in things because she likes your company, and maybe also sees that you can be sad and wants to involve you. That's a good friend. She may already do a lot of emotional caring at home and not have capacity to listen to another person's problems, or maybe she's not personally equipped - and that's ok, not every friend can do everything.
Do you ever invite her out yourself? Then you can decide when and how, and maybe she'd enjoy the change in roles too.

To be honest if I was invited to a group of couples with children I wouldn't want to go if I was single and had no children.

It’s really tricky. Once you get past a certain age, it’s common for most friends to be married with children and if you’re not invited to “couples things” then you end up really isolated. It’s hard.

feefee thank you, I do appreciate your words and those of other pp who have tried to be sympathetic. But I'm increasingly feeling like a bad person and an awful friend who deserves to be dumped so I'm going to have to bow out of this thread now. I don't really deserve to have my friend I don't think.

I also believe that if friends do not understand depression then to be a decent friend they should try to learn. Otherwise how can they support them. It is no different than if a friend had something else impacting on their health and wellbeing e.g. chronic fatigue. I would want to learn about it and support them.

For somebody to be so flippant about depression/bulimia I would feel really put off by them.

You may not watch to go to a get-to-gether, with her and other couples, and kids .....because you are the only single, but :
Do you have many other friends. Do you get out a lot? Have fun?
Do you also go out with only single people? Do you also have close/deep friends who you confide in a lot?

If you lack these other friendship groups, why would lose her?

Could it be that she doesn't actually understand your bulimia or your depression and brushes it away as she doesn't know what to say? Or how to make you feel better?

With no real life experience she is not able to comfort you or understand in the way you would like, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care.

You are painting her to be shallow and insensitive, almost artificial. If you think she is like this, then maybe you need more earthly friends with a few more problems to share so that your friendship feels more on an equal footing.

A word of caution, no one lives in a fairy tale op inc your friend despite what you think she will have her own fair share of problems. True friends tend to stick around for the bad and good times, you don't seem to enjoy sharing the good times very much with her.

OP well maybe you should think of those people as like your mental health issues. They are dragging you down. Making you look at the negative in yourself. And they are taking your attention. And making you feel bad.

The positive people on this thread and your friend are your best bet in beating the mental health issues. Because just you talking the way you are now makes me like you. Because your a likeable person. Your mental health issues don’t want you to believe that. Because then you’ll get better.

I think your a good person Op. I think no matter what you do or say to this friend she will always stand by you. Because you are the kind of person that’s easy to like. Whether you know it or not.

Stay with the thread and ignore those who are throwing their hate at you. Listen to those of us who want to help.

This seems like your MH issue affecting your thinking . Posters are suggesting that your friend may be essentially decent but not understand MH issues - not saying bad things about you - and you are responding by beating yourself up (“bad person” / “awful friend”).

It sounds like she's trying really hard. Neither of you sound like horrible people but mental illnesses are by their very nature 'all about me' (and I've been there) so I think you're misconstruing a lot of things. The responses on this thread included.

And I would add of course you deserve her, she has tried very hard to keep you in her life so must think a great of you !!! You don't value yourself anywhere near enough op.

Fee, many/most posters, have been very supportive to OP. I don't see the 'throwing the hate' posts.

It can be so exhausting to have to constantly be the happy cheerful one to someone who is against everything OP.

She has clearly made countless efforts to include you and involve you in her life but you find the negative and sadness in these. It may be your MH but at some point it may become to much of a strain on her MH to kee p going.

Yes she's being insensitive.

But ... she didn't sign up to be your support worker. She's not a trained mental health professional. She's your friend, and friendships go two ways. She's inviting you, she wants you around, no, she doesn't understand why you don't want to but then, YOU don't understand why she keeps asking you!

You're asking a LOT.