to be sick of being last...
Oobis · 26/09/2018 11:56
...or realistically not even that.
I'm a SAHM of 3 with a husband who works 12 hour days and often weekends. I have 2 preschoolers who are climbers and generally destructive tyrants. My life is a constant whirl of food preparation, tidying, washing, food, tidying, school runs, shopping etc. Which is just how it is with young kids. What I'm sick of is being irrelevant. I'm not invisible, that sounds amazing, I am the bringer if the (usually complained about) food. No, DH comes home stressed and tells me all about it. Sister comes and tells me all about it. SiL tells me all about it (usually in some way letting me know her child is superior to mine, whilst I cook for it). Everyone tells me all about it or chat to the kids, but no one asks about me. If I try to have my turn, it's clear I'm not interesting enough to hold their attention. I used to have a good career, which I was good at, speak to people, make decisions etc but now I'm not relevant to anyone, good at anything. I don't recall the last time DH said I look nice (probably because I don't), not even acknowledging the very rare occasions I have time to make an effort.
I can totally understand why mums have affairs. Not for sex, just someone being interested in me. I'm not a narcissist and I do get that this is normal, I'm just missing being an actual person who people are interested in rather than simply the catering manager and laundry operative.
When the kids are full of "I want I want" I tend to think "and what does mummy want? Nobody knows because nobody ever thinks to ask".
Sorry to whinge, I'm weary and failed to have work clothes clean for DH today. Despite the 4 loads of washing in 2 days 😫
Poulnabron · 26/09/2018 12:01
It sounds awful. I'd be going back to work with a skip in my step.
In the short term, before you are able to do that, start treating yourself as a priority -- even conversationally. It's quite OK to respond very briefly to someone who is droning on about their day (as though you didn't have a day), and to move the conversation to something that you want to talk about. Take back some conversational space.
Also, you're currently a SAHM to look after demanding small children, not to be a valet for your husbands fecking work clothes. He wants work clothes, he puts them in the wash, and irons them if necessary. Unless this is a drip feed and he doesn't have any arms, or something.
Honestly, OP, you're worth more than this.
Kidneyvback · 26/09/2018 12:03
I could have written this. I don't have the answer but you need some time for yourself which obviously is not helpful info! Because I am the same 3 dc and one in the way all under 6. Rh16 works 7 days a week. I work from home and seem to be the councillor to everyone under the sun and it is depressing. No advice but a hug and a mug if tea
Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 12:06
This sounds really hard. It wouldn't take much attention to turn your head would it. Just a how are you? and being listened to and feeling someone cares and wants you.
I honestly think you need to face this head on and discuss making some changes possibly with counselling or free online resources from Relate etc. You sound so unhappy.
Rubyslippers7780 · 26/09/2018 12:07
It is hard. And you sound like you are feeling undervalued and underappreciated. Just the daily hamster wheel of looking after everyone else. You are the lynch pin holding your family together and that is tough when no other bugger notices.
I have no solution just empathy and sympathy. Try and take a bit of time for you, talk to your husband, tell the moaners to shut up. People are like radiators or drains, some give all the warmth and heat and love and others suck you dry. But to continue to look after everyone even radiators need looked after once in a while.
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/09/2018 12:08
Are you very passive or quiet OP? Do you stop people when they butt in when you're talking? I've been in your shoes as a sahm and fully understand how you feel but I've never not been able to get a word in.
Maybe next time your DH/sis/SIL starts going off on one make a secret effort to get the conversation round to you and don't stop until it is.
Do you get any down time?
BrazzleDazzleDay · 26/09/2018 12:51
I could have written this too. I feel like i have nothing of value in my life and noone values me. Totally amplified today as its my birthday, only my dc and parents have said happy birthday. From now on ill give not one shiny shit or put myself out to help anyone else.
Oobis · 26/09/2018 13:21
@BrazzleDazzleDay Happy birthday!!!! Will you have chance to be indulged or treated?
Thank you for replying everyone. I do need time for myself, but sadly, at this juncture, there just isn't any. I can't go out in the evenings as DH often not back until 8-9pm. I think that "me time" isn't given, but taken. Maybe time to make an effort to take, which is tricky as DH is also frazzled and deserving of "me time", although he does get the commute to work on his own and to sneak to the pub on his way home. I haven't decided if I will sneak or just say, but I'm in need of some time out definitely. I do feel a bit better having had a complain!
NonaGrey · 26/09/2018 13:26
Have you spoken to your DH about this OP? It’s easy to fall into bad habits in the busyness of life.
How much time do you and your DH get to spend alone? Going to the cinema, for a meal or even an afternoon’s childfree shopping together can really help bring you back together and step off the treadmill for a while.
Do you have babysitters you can ask?
Spudina · 26/09/2018 13:38
Sorry things are so hard OP. You are right. No one is going to give you your 'me' time. You are gonna have to just take it. Even if it's only an hour here or there, it's a start. Is or worth trying to talk to your DH?
Lamona · 26/09/2018 13:50
How would your DH react if he read this?
But I agree with the other posts- you'll have to take it. And not feel guilty for taking it but make it a really fixed regular thing that doesn't get moved? As if it was a work commitment.
RedPandaFluff · 26/09/2018 14:21
Sounds awful, OP
I reckon you should get your DH to read your post.
Well, maybe edit out the bit about understanding why mums have affairs
Seriously though - he needs to understand how you feel, and it's a joint issue that he has 50% responsibility for resolving.
Laureline · 26/09/2018 15:35
My family situation was the reverse, as DP was doing lion’s share of housework and child caring. Because I had been on maternity leave, I knew well how tiring it is, and the daily grind of it all.
So your DH needs to pitch in. I’ve been in his shoes, and I guarantee you deserve a break!
Oobis · 26/09/2018 15:49
Thank you. He knows I'm exhausted but there's very little he can do due to the work situation. That said, if for any reason I'm not around at the weekend (that's twice in 3 years), his brother, sister in law and parents are all on hand to assist. Strangely they're not when it's just me with 3 kids for 6 weeks over summer with him out before breakfast and home after bedtime 🤷♀️
We're hoping the work situation will reach a conclusion. We don't get time together as w couple and I fear we've forgotten how to have fun. There was talk of us starting kickboxing lessons together a while back, but he's never home in time and the babysitting would be an issue.
I get 2 mornings child free a week which I usually spend rushing around trying to catch up on neglected house work, sorting outgrown clothes etc as well as housework. Today I have been to the gym. I have also almost arranged (waiting for one to get back) a coffee date with a couple of friends.
Funny how the things that don't get done are so much more noticeable than the hundreds more that do. But bugger it. I want a friend!!
KindergartenKop · 26/09/2018 15:53
I think you need to be more assertive with DH. You need to tell him that on Thursday you're going out with Sally for dinner and he needs to be back by 7pm.
Does he really need to be at work until 9?
Bibibou · 26/09/2018 15:54
I've been there OP. I lost a sense of purpose when I gave up work to be a SAHM and it knocked my confidence tremendously for quite a few years. I found myself drowning in housework etc and also felt invisible. Eventually I just had to do something and started off by taking just 20 minutes a day completely to myself when I would sit in peace and have a cup of tea and read a magazine. It sounds silly but I used to feel so revived after that 20 minutes and ready to face the world again! Grab the "me time " because nobody is going to give it to you!
Rednaxela · 26/09/2018 15:56
You have a DP problem.
Why are his family not helping out with their own GC/nephews/nieces as a matter of course? What is the issue there?
If you are happy for the in laws to have care of the DC then get DP on their case to commit to weekly time slots!! ASAP!!
Hideandgo · 26/09/2018 15:59
This is terrible OP but happens to so many f us. I do know what you mean, it’s all that emotional load from everyone!
But bide your time and train your little fan club to be people who will help you, amuse you and give back something a little later! Thats what I’m counting on😂
wizzywig · 26/09/2018 16:02
You sound like me op. Now i make it obvious with my husband. Ive asked why doesnt he find me interesting? Why doesnt listen to me? Its gotten to the stage where im looking for a job and im literally buzzing for a few days afterwards. I realised it was because for that 1hour if an interview, someones actually interested in me. Even when i dont get the job its fine, ill carry on searching for the next interview
keepingbees · 26/09/2018 16:06
I could've written his too. Sahm to 3 children, although a little older than yours. No family help, DH works long days.
I'm boring, unimportant, bottom of the pile. No one asks (or cares) how I am. No compliments, no conversation, no interest in me. I do all the housework and boring stuff while he has his career. Because of no support I'm limited what I can do myself as I have no childcare. But that doesn't matter to anyone either.
Yes I can see why people have affairs. I wouldn't, but I can see why. I'd love some attention and conversation.
Executiveappointments · 26/09/2018 16:25
Make those 2 child-free mornings a week for you, OP. Get out of the house and do something - coffee, book club, gym, volunteer... ANYTHING but prioritise yourself. If you don't put yourself first then I can promise you that no-one else will because you are silently telling them that it's ok. If you want to change something, you have to change something.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2018 16:26
This too will pass. We've all been there. Its easier when they go to school. It does sound that every one expects a lot of you . You are not your DP's slave and he could take responsibility for his work clothes. You have a job. its looking after the kids at the moment, not being a superstar housewife. Also why are you looking after your SIL's kid on top of everything else. I hope this is not for free or if it is, why can't she have yours for an afternoon on a Saturday. You need to start being really really pushy and assertive althought it may go against the grain. Claim your status back!!! Decide what your demarcation lines are. Good Luck!!
nicenewdusters · 26/09/2018 16:27
failed to have work clothes clean Who made you feel like a failure - you or him ?
You'll have to be selfish. Don't offer or accept to do anything outside your own bubble. It it's not being reciprocated you're not doing anything wrong. It may be hard for your DH to share what happens at home, but his life has to change as much as yours to make things work.
JellyBaby666 · 26/09/2018 16:30
Oh OP this is sad to read I'm sorry. & @Brazzle HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
OP I think I'd be talking to your husband - "I need you to finish early on a Wednesday. Can you talk to your boss?" and then do whatever YOU want to do. He isn't, sadly, going to just make this change without your voice. It is important and valuable and needs to be heard.
With regards to his family - have you tried arranging stuff when he's at work? Perhaps they all turn up when he's got the kids because he rings them all saying come over heeeeeelp!!! I'd be seeing if you can arrange regular playdates, or just coffee. Adult conversation!
You have worth OP, you do!
Also sod the housework. Can you get a cleaner in even alternate weeks? So you get some you time that not's cleaning? Also your DH can sort his own work clothes out, defo not your responsiblity!
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