to be sick of being last...

[Oobis]

...or realistically not even that.

I'm a SAHM of 3 with a husband who works 12 hour days and often weekends. I have 2 preschoolers who are climbers and generally destructive tyrants. My life is a constant whirl of food preparation, tidying, washing, food, tidying, school runs, shopping etc. Which is just how it is with young kids. What I'm sick of is being irrelevant. I'm not invisible, that sounds amazing, I am the bringer if the (usually complained about) food. No, DH comes home stressed and tells me all about it. Sister comes and tells me all about it. SiL tells me all about it (usually in some way letting me know her child is superior to mine, whilst I cook for it). Everyone tells me all about it or chat to the kids, but no one asks about me. If I try to have my turn, it's clear I'm not interesting enough to hold their attention. I used to have a good career, which I was good at, speak to people, make decisions etc but now I'm not relevant to anyone, good at anything. I don't recall the last time DH said I look nice (probably because I don't), not even acknowledging the very rare occasions I have time to make an effort.
I can totally understand why mums have affairs. Not for sex, just someone being interested in me. I'm not a narcissist and I do get that this is normal, I'm just missing being an actual person who people are interested in rather than simply the catering manager and laundry operative.
When the kids are full of "I want I want" I tend to think "and what does mummy want? Nobody knows because nobody ever thinks to ask".
Sorry to whinge, I'm weary and failed to have work clothes clean for DH today. Despite the 4 loads of washing in 2 days 😫

Can you afford a cleaner? It would free up some of your time. Also, if the DCs sleep then what about signing up for an online course or joining an online hobby group? even consider ones in a different timezone if that matches your availability better.

Would you like to go back to work op? Even part time? Sounds as though SAHM is not your thing (and totally wasn’t mine either). Can you find some childcare, especially if you can get the 30 hours? Being at work with a purpose other than being a servant to small children, and a dh who assumes that because you are home all day means you have all the time in the world, literally saved my sanity!!

I could never be a SAHM. Is there any way you could go back to work part time? Even if it costs a bit initially, if you can afford it then you can consider it sanity tax. Plus you'd recoup some of it when you get the free hours.

Women are so often assumed to define themselves by everyone else around them and not have any independent desires or personality of their own. I'm absolutely convinced that this is why so many of us are bloody crazy. It's not our fault.

What you have written here OP rings so true to me. I'm a SAHM of 2 (2 under 2) and I just feel like shit. When I asked my husband why he doesn't say that I look beautiful or nice anymore he says that since having kids "I've changed". Take that as you will. Some days I feel like I'm drowning. I have no family support here either. The babies are lined up to go to a daycare from next September though so I'm hoping life will change a bit then but I can't carry on as I am at the moment AND add a part time (20 hours or more) job to the mix, I dread to think how I'll be. Good luck OP x

Something has to change, that's no way to live. You need to talk to your husband about how you're feeling.

I feel similar and I only have 2 and have only been on maternity since December. I can't fucking wait to go back to work 3 days in January even though with childcare costs it'll make virtually no difference to us financially. I'll get a lunch break, an actual break to eat and where I don't have to speak to anyone. Heaven.

I was you. I got rid of my h.

2 mornings child free - do things you enjoy.

Get a cleaner, if money allows.

Reduce the amount of time you spend with people who talk only about themselves or negative things - family or not.

Does DH really HAVE to work that many hours and weekends? There are presumably some pay offs for him in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to work those hours and be a parent without your facilitation.

Ask him to be home by 7pm on set day(s) each week so you can do stuff and he can parent.

I wouldn’t be willing to facilitate my husband’s career to that extent, to my own financial / career detriment.

Tell DH that he is taking up more than his fair share of airtime and offloading too much!

CaMePlaitPas: why not just return to work sooner? Your H can step up and do more. If that’s his behaviour and attitude towards you SAH seems unwise.

it sounds hard OP, I'm not a SAHM but I only work 2 days and have a toddler and a school aged DD, and I can absolutely relate to being irrelevant. I am the do-er off duties, I'm the one who remembers that the kids have to take plastic fucking bottles into School for World Something or Other Day, I have to remember everything, coordinate everything etc. DH works long unsociable hours so it does make sense for it to fall on me, but a bit of acknowledgment that I'm more than RoboMum would be nice. I think it's possibly been years since anyone's asked what I want to do or where I want to go. If I died tomorrow I don't know how they'd all cope, but no one appreciates that (they'd probably all be irritated at me if anything 🙄). And I don't just mean kids and DH. If I don't see my grandad for more than a few days (he's 84 so if the kids are ill, which is not rare, I stay away) I get a phone call getting screamed at for not coming up more. My mother uses me as a crutch for her constant complaining about nothing (her biggest worry is her green house vegetables and if they'll live) and never asks how I am. I'm not human, apparently. Last night DS was awake for 3 hours in the night from 12-3 and I felt very lonely thinking about it all. Mentally, I'm absolutely exhausted and I suspect no one knows or cares

Sister comes and tells me all about it. SiL tells me all about it (usually in some way letting me know her child is superior to mine, whilst I cook for it).

Why do you let them treat you this way?

@BrazzleDazzleDay

“DH works long unsociable hours so it does make sense for it to fall on me“

So often the case. Strange how it never seems to “make sense” for the DW to work all the hours!

TBF @Loopytiles I agree but in our case I'm not as skilled as he is and he runs his own business, if I was a higher earner I'd most certainly be working full time and he always said he'd happily stay at home with kids. But it hasn't worked out that way in terms of jobs yes so often the case and I want better for my DDs

Can you not share the work situation more equally?

If you went back to work, DH could also scale back a bit and make it more manageable for both of you.

I was you, OP. It was really, really hard. Funny you mention no one ever helping you but everyone jumping to help your DH. Same here. My DH is somehow incapable of looking after his own kids, per my MIL, yet I can easily swing 3 weeks alone while he goes away for work. (My DH is not useless, he gets annoyed at how his family treats him!)

It got better once nursery and school kicked in (especially for the socialising!) but it’s taken me until this school year (mine are Y2/7/8) to say outloud ‘I’m looking after number 1 this year.’ Yes, there’s still the boring housework and laundry and being an unpaid taxi. But there’s also coffee dates, yoga, House on tv at midday, books to read. You have 2 mornings per week free? Please use one of them to do whatever you like, guilt free. Take time to read the BBC website and chat about world news. Talk about yourself to these people, not just about the kids.

Hi I'm in exactly the same position. 4dc, a dog and a bastard cat. I'm a sham. I come somewhere in between the cat and dog. Dp totally takes me for granted and I could totally have an affair. I won't because it's wrong but I totally get why people in our situation do.
How was your day today oobis?

Bloody hell even the iPad is in on it, I'm a sahm not a sham but I'm probably that too!

OP and GunpowderGelatine I’m mad on your behalf and I wonder why you’re not mad too! You certainly both deserve to be acknowledged and attended to. Not 24 hours a day but from time to time. And as for minor things being complained about when they’re doing bugger all to run the household, what a bloody cheek! I’m always thrilled when someone cooks me dinner, empties the dishwasher, pairs the socks, does the shopping, whatever it is, and I make sure they are acknowledged. You really need to have some me-time. Okay, week days may not be practical but at least some time at weekends. And not spend them at your mother’s or your grandad’s . I’ve been there and it doesn’t change until you demand change. Don’t be guilted into backing down by whinges about how hard he works during the week. I’m sure he does, but he does get some headspace when on the journey home or grabbing lunch. With v small ones you don’t get that as there’s v little time when they’re asleep or occupied and you end up doing housework then.

You also work all the hours remember! All your waking hours. With no one to complain to (i bet your DH complains to colleagues about work as well as to you). Life should not feel like a drudge. Else it will all pass by before you've enjoyed it.

Can I ask a serious question here, and this isn't meant to be goady, so anyone who takes it as such, please don't reply. But, those of you who are SAHMs (OP included) - did you choose to do this because you thought it would be 'giving up work' and you would get to stay at home with your kids and not have a boss or anyone to answer to, and no 9-5 to deal with. Because I certainly did. Oh, how wrong I was. I quickly learnt that a teeny tiny miniature boss and an OH who thinks you lounge around all day drinking coffee is waaaaay worse than a real, actual boss.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's OK to admit it wasn't the dream we all thought it was (I actually got rid of all my work clothes!!), and that we all need an identity outside of just being a mum. This doesn't apply to every SAHM mum by the way (some people are naturals) - just to everyone complaining on here that it wasn't the gig they thought it would be!

Thank you so much folks. My DH is really helpful around the house when he's here, it's just that's not much. If I explain the situation fully I will truly out myself, as with the in law situation. What I will say is that they have no actual relationship with the youngest children. I've never prevented it, but they have never sought or wanted it and will go months without seeing them. I must stop there because further information is too identifiable but they are a totally dysfunctional family.
I know things will get easier as kids are in nursery and school. I'd love to work full time but with 3, it's totally unworkable childcare, holidays, sickness etc.
I've had a complete wobble today. I shall spend the evening convincing myself that the reason no one helps us that I'm so bloody good at it I make it look easy; they don't ask how I am because I have the air of someone with their shit totally together (yeah right!!) and they don't say I look good because it's so fucking obvious.
Thank you each, I'm not able to quote particular comments as I'm an infrequent MNer but I appreciate each one of you for taking time to help

Stop doing housework in your 2 mornings off! Seriously that stuff can wait.

If you'd love to go back to work FT, you need to discuss with your DH and find a way to do it. His job is not more important than yours, although he may feel that it is.

If you both agree that you're going to sacrifice your career in favour of his that's one thing, but if you don't want to stay at home that's something else entirely. Since you're both parents, you share the childcare equally (and yes, it will impact both of your careers to some extent, including his). He doesn't get to protect his career just because he's a man.

One of you does the drop offs, and one does the pick ups. Or he arranges childcare to cover his share if he doesn't want to do it. So it would be his responsibility to cover (e.g.) the drop offs or arrange a childminder (and deal with any cover required on the odd day s/he's not able to do it).

Obviously he'll also need to do half the housework. Or you could (between you) employ a cleaner. But he'll still need to do half of the shopping, cooking and washing up etc.

I'd love to work full time but with 3, it's totally unworkable childcare, holidays, sickness etc.

It doesn't have to be full time work or nothing. Could you look into part time jobs or WFH options? Just something that means you get a bit of adult conversation and a feeling that your life doesn't completely revolve around the DC?
It may mean you need to relax your cleaning routine a bit but that's really not the end of the world.