to be sick of being last...

[Oobis]

...or realistically not even that.

I'm a SAHM of 3 with a husband who works 12 hour days and often weekends. I have 2 preschoolers who are climbers and generally destructive tyrants. My life is a constant whirl of food preparation, tidying, washing, food, tidying, school runs, shopping etc. Which is just how it is with young kids. What I'm sick of is being irrelevant. I'm not invisible, that sounds amazing, I am the bringer if the (usually complained about) food. No, DH comes home stressed and tells me all about it. Sister comes and tells me all about it. SiL tells me all about it (usually in some way letting me know her child is superior to mine, whilst I cook for it). Everyone tells me all about it or chat to the kids, but no one asks about me. If I try to have my turn, it's clear I'm not interesting enough to hold their attention. I used to have a good career, which I was good at, speak to people, make decisions etc but now I'm not relevant to anyone, good at anything. I don't recall the last time DH said I look nice (probably because I don't), not even acknowledging the very rare occasions I have time to make an effort.
I can totally understand why mums have affairs. Not for sex, just someone being interested in me. I'm not a narcissist and I do get that this is normal, I'm just missing being an actual person who people are interested in rather than simply the catering manager and laundry operative.
When the kids are full of "I want I want" I tend to think "and what does mummy want? Nobody knows because nobody ever thinks to ask".
Sorry to whinge, I'm weary and failed to have work clothes clean for DH today. Despite the 4 loads of washing in 2 days 😫

This is why, no matter how selfish people think it is, I will not give up my career because of children, I will still be an individual taken seriously, intellectually challenged and with a world bigger than my home and family. No one thanks you for giving everything up and frankly I'd go out of my mind. You day you had a good career, hightail it back before you miss the boat, you deserve to be you, not just mum, cook, cleaner etc

Maybe your DH needs to accommodate your working pattern for a change and adapt his

I could have written this when mine were tiny. It got better gradually. They started school, I wentback to work part time. Finding time as a couple is still a problem (my dh also works long hours) and the one person that will ask about my day and then listen is ds1. But I dont feel invisable any more.

Thank you Oobis and BellMcEnd. I took the twins to nursery and cranked up my fave rock band, gotta get the anger out appropriately Now i have wine!

Forgive me for my earlier pity party, i do totally understand your frustration Oobis, i have 4 dc and had a massive realisation just before i turned 30 that i had spent nearly all my 20s as just mum, i had no identity or real friends left. The realisation was brutal. I panic enrolled in the OU and its the best thing ive done, i should graduate in 2 years and im off.

Onwards and upwards

WOH would not be “unworkable” if on your return to work your H did a fair share of the domestic work and parenting. You have taken several years out while he has worked as many hours as he wishes. His turn to make some changes as a consequence of having become a parent.

It is what you want to do and economically the sensible thing to do.

Its not quite that easy though is it @Loopytiles. Would my dh give up his job so i could be the breadwinner, hes said many times he would, but no he wouldnt. Course he wouldnt, he has great fun at work with his pals while my very little self esteem crumbles by the day.

I dont know bout ops circumstances but for me to work just 9-5 it would cost almost 700 a week in childcare. That just aint feasible or happening until the youngest two are at school where the bill goes down to 200!

Of course it’s not easy, not at all, but nor is financial dependence, loss of earning power and having no pension.

Plenty of men SAY they would SAH if they were the lower earner, but very, very few in that position actually do it.

@BrazzleDazzleDay well it is at base pretty simple - marriage is between two supposed equals who love and support each other. If one partner is unbothered by the deep unhappiness of the other and not willing to do something as simple as look to change their work situation to improve their partner's happiness, it's not much of a marriage, is it? It's sad, but it's true.

What pandarific said. I couldn't be happy if my husband wasn't, and vice versa.

Amen, pandarific. Brazzle, that £700 is a shared cost, though, and to be weighed against your loss of self-esteem, work skills etc.

And the ‘my husband is the higher earner therefore it made sense for me to be the one who gave up work’ thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

@Pandarific i totally agree, youve summed up my marriage.

I’m sorry that’s the case Brazzle, I wasn’t trying to stick the boot in.

It’s a pile of shite really.

I'd love to work full time but with 3, it's totally unworkable childcare, holidays, sickness etc.

Presumably you knew when you planned the size of your family that you wouldn't be able to afford to put 3 in childcare, so giving up your career has been an active choice. That would suggest you weren't actually that happy with your career. Could you spend the time until you can go back to work doing a course/ research etc about what else you could do? It might give you some purpose.

That’s very sad Brazzle.

If he doesn’t “have your back” you need to take care of yourself. Perhaps including investing in your personal financial and work future by returning to WoH, with his wages contributing to the high childcare costs.

@RSTera - we got twins which was a bit of a game changer ! It was never the plan to have either parent at home full time, I went back 30 hours/week after DS1 and that worked really well. Twins are double the price (obviously), but somehow more than double the effort, so family childcare and babysitting is much harder to come by, before you add in family politics.
I work a day a week in a non "career" job which I enjoy.