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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my FIL kissing my 2yo on the lips?

88 replies

Vap0 · 25/09/2018 22:11

I’ve always been brought up where you kiss people on the cheek, unless they are your significant other and then it’s a lip kiss.

My FIL has recently started getting my 2 year old kissing him on the lips. It makes my stomach turn. She has never kissed me on the lips, always on the nose or on the head which mimics where I kiss her, which makes me think it was definitely him who initiated this.

I hate it so much, my partner says I just need to let it go but I think it’s so wrong and it makes me feel sick.

Am I being ridiculous?

Has anyone else had this and managed to stop it? If so, how? I can’t make a big issue out of it as they are so good with her, they have her one day a week, take her swimming and she has a lovely time. I just don’t know if I can watch this kissing much more.

OP posts:

Lynne1Cat · 25/09/2018 23:10

I always used to kiss my sons on the lips when they were little. One son has children, the other doesn't. We ALL kiss the children on the lips (they are 7 and 4), and have always done so. They actually come to us with a pout, ready. It's normal to me.

Breezebutter · 25/09/2018 23:10

YANBU. I only kiss my DD on her dummy when she’s got it in at night and on her face/tummy etc. Mainly so I don’t get her baby germs she picks up at nursery but it’s a personal preference I suppose. It’s your baby, only you know what’s best

scienceteachergeek · 25/09/2018 23:18

I have never used the word 'sexualised' to describe kissing on the lips. Neither did the OP. It was everyone else that made it about that!

As a young child it was always something that mummies and daddies did. Purely because that's all I saw it happen to.

Both of my twins kiss me, I point to my cheek. Each to their own.

MrsSarahSiddons · 25/09/2018 23:25

I had a very close loving relationship with my parents but never kissed them on the lips and I have brought up my own children the same. Lip kissing is only for mummy and daddy in our family.

greenlynx · 25/09/2018 23:32

WorraLiberty, for me it’s about spreading viruses at this age.

wafflyversatile · 25/09/2018 23:34

My DNs sometimes kiss me on the lips. It comes from them not me. It's not something we did in my family and I thought it's a bit yucky too but it's not at all. They are children and it's just affection.

As said it is important that you as parents teach your child it is ok to say they don't want a cuddle or kiss and have that respected but this isn't wrong. It's just different from what you're used to. I think telling her she can't is more likely to cause problems.

Nicknacky · 25/09/2018 23:35

science I never said you did say it was sexualised but surely if it's only something "mummy's and daddies do" then you are sexualising it?

How sad you kids can't kiss you where they feel they want to.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2018 23:44

I was more thinking along a safeguarding side of things that if she goes around kissing people on the lips and it is seen as normal then if someone in her life was to be doing it in an inappropriate manner then how could she tell the difference.

"Goes around kissing people on the lips", is so dismissive of the relationship she has with her Granddad.

I assume you sit her on your lap and cuddle her - yes?

So why are you not worried that she might 'Go around sitting on people's laps and cuddling' them?

Ceilingrose · 26/09/2018 09:58

It just doesn't feel right.

imamouseduh · 26/09/2018 10:04

I'm with you OP. My family is a cheek kissing family while DH's parents and sister kiss kids on the lips. Makes me feel sick watching them all kiss their babies/grandkids on the mouth, esp as they all smoke!

Zoe2411 · 26/09/2018 10:22

Completely agree that he shouldn't do this .

Your children , you decide what you are and aren't ok with x

MIL tried to insist she did this to our DS , we both agreed as his parents that we weren't comfortable with it and actually found it rather odd when she had lots of other places to kiss ( forehead , cheeks, hands ) she also gets cold sores so I don't think an unreasonable request to ask her or anyone else for that matter not to x

If it does bother you , you can address it without it causing issues xx

EndeavourVoyage · 26/09/2018 10:32

imamouseduh. Now a smoker kissing my kids on the lips I WOULD put a stop to.🤮

busybarbara · 26/09/2018 10:33

but I think it desensitises children from kissing

Might want to hold back from cuddling too then otherwise it might affect their future romantic relationships

Winterbella · 26/09/2018 10:37

YABU its totally innocent and I think if you say anything like that you would destroy the relationship with your FIL.

Piffle11 · 26/09/2018 10:40

I have always stopped my parents kissing my DC on the lips, as they did it to me and passed on the cold sore virus. I was plagued with the most massive, revolting cold sores as a teen, my lip would swell and be bleeding and gooey, very painful and really disgusting. I wouldn't want my DC to go through that. I don't kiss DC on the lips so don't want anyone else doing it. I don't think it matters if your DH is 'ok' with it: you're not, and it's not as though DD is going to be traumatised by not kissing FIL on the lips, is it?

ChangerChangerson · 26/09/2018 10:49

YANBU.

I've always been brought up that you only kiss your significant other on the lips so to me it's out of the ordinary. I also have a concern about cold sores and young children.

MyHusbandSaysIHave1000MNNames · 26/09/2018 10:54

Families kissing on the lips is pretty ick. 😖

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2018 11:02

Yanbu it is not nice and doesent sit well with me. What happened to a kiss on the head or cheek, lips is a bit personal.

Rebecca36 · 26/09/2018 11:08

I'm with you on this one op. Actually I've never seen or heard of anyone kissing on the lips (except occasionally on TV), apart from boy or girl friend/partner. If you do it to kids they are going to go around doing it to other people who generally won't like it, it is inappropriate. Children need kisses and cuddles but cheek and forehead are enough. They also need to know they don't have to give or receive kisses from anyone if they don't want to.

melj1213 · 26/09/2018 11:29

If you do it to kids they are going to go around doing it to other people who generally won't like it, it is inappropriate.

How do you work that out?

My family have always been lip kissers with our kids but we still teach consent. In addition I think it better teaches them to decide their own boundaries as to who/when they want to kiss as they get to choose what they are comfortable rather than being told they cannot lip kiss at all.

So normally the kids might choose to kiss grandma goodbye but they all know that if they don't want to that day then they can just give her a cheek kiss/hug/high five/wave if they want instead.

This is taught to them early on and is reinforced by all the adults allowing the children to decide their level of affection and letting them express it however they feel comfortable. The only time we actively discourage lip kissing is if there is a necessary reason to - for example if one of the people is sick or has coldsores.

straightjeans · 28/09/2018 07:17

It's the 'getting' your daughter to kiss him on the lips. People that INSIST on kissing children on the lips are just creepy to me.

Lizzie48 · 28/09/2018 09:22

I'm not comfortable with lip kissing at all, I have to say, we say to our DDs that it's for mummies and daddies. It may well be my own issue as a survivor of childhood SA, but my DH completely backs me up on this.

And yes, your FIL shouldn't 'get' your DD to kiss him on the lips. The whole idea of children being made to kiss relatives is very wrong; children need to be taught that they have autonomy over their bodies.

princesspino · 28/09/2018 09:43

I kissed my parents on the lips when I was little although it’s cheeks now I’m in my 40’s!
My kids kids their grand parents, cousins, uncles and aunts in the lips - it’s normal to them. I can’t imagine never kissing own children on the lips to say goodnight....

princesspino · 28/09/2018 09:46

Also what lizzie48 says - there are days when they don’t want to kiss their GP’s and they don’t. I don’t make them.
OP - was your husband brought up with lip kissing? If so, then it sounds like a clash is parenting styles and you’ll need to agree a way forward

princesspino · 28/09/2018 09:47

Sorry meant to say, I agree with melj1213

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