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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my FIL kissing my 2yo on the lips?

88 replies

Vap0 · 25/09/2018 22:11

I’ve always been brought up where you kiss people on the cheek, unless they are your significant other and then it’s a lip kiss.

My FIL has recently started getting my 2 year old kissing him on the lips. It makes my stomach turn. She has never kissed me on the lips, always on the nose or on the head which mimics where I kiss her, which makes me think it was definitely him who initiated this.

I hate it so much, my partner says I just need to let it go but I think it’s so wrong and it makes me feel sick.

Am I being ridiculous?

Has anyone else had this and managed to stop it? If so, how? I can’t make a big issue out of it as they are so good with her, they have her one day a week, take her swimming and she has a lovely time. I just don’t know if I can watch this kissing much more.

OP posts:

scienceteachergeek · 25/09/2018 22:33

Nicknacky she states that her partner thinks she should 'let it go'. Doesn't sound like he has much of an opinion. She obviously does.

Vinylsamso · 25/09/2018 22:33

desensitises kissing? Of all the replies you could of come back with that’s got to be the most bazaar. I could of tried till I was 100 to guess that trail of thought. Forgive me if I’m wrong but that reads to me that you think kissing a man is so sexy that you want to save this feeling up for your daughter. Everyone’s different I know but if that’s what you meant 🤢 can’t even begin to imagine putting the joys of adult sexual attraction and my child in the same sentence or thought.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 25/09/2018 22:34

I know that kissing for me was a big thing because I never lip kissed anyone until I was older Maybe this is an 'issue' you have that you shouldn't be passing on to your children.

Its her grandfather, whom I assume she loves, not some stranger.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/09/2018 22:34

YANBU. That is simply not necessary, wtf are PIL playing at

Just PILs. Those PILs are someone's parents so in that case NOT PILs

Nicknacky · 25/09/2018 22:35

science That is his opinion........

scienceteachergeek · 25/09/2018 22:35

To answer the OP.....I don't know how you would get him to stop. I hope you get some answers rather than opinions!

ilovepixie · 25/09/2018 22:39

I think it's so sad that some people find it so wrong to kiss children on the lips. It's not about sex why do people have such hang ups over the most innocent things

Flowersandblack · 25/09/2018 22:40

I would kiss my own mum and dad on the lips to say good night but never anyone else. My dd kisses me on the lips or all over my face but she will not kiss any one else at all including dh who is also her dad she's a funny little thing. She will barely hug anyone apart from us either expect my dad she demands a cuddle and a kiss on the top of the head from her grandad and her uncle.

Original poster

Vap0 · 25/09/2018 22:42

My partner doesn’t have an opinion either way, but he won’t want to rock the boat by saying anything. I’ll be asking him in the morning whether he kissed his parents on the lips when he was a child. He is in the other room tonight as we have a newborn and he needs some sleep.

Vinyl - wow, no that is not what I was thinking. I was more thinking along a safeguarding side of things that if she goes around kissing people on the lips and it is seen as normal then if someone in her life was to be doing it in an inappropriate manner then how could she tell the difference.

Of course I don’t think her grandad is a predator, my word.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 25/09/2018 22:45

I honestly have no idea if I kissed my parents in the lips and tbh it makes no difference either way.

Op, there is nothing abnormal about kissing on the lips, it’s just individual preference. So why are you so worried about “safeguarding”?

steff13 · 25/09/2018 22:48

My daughter kisses me and her grandparents on the lips. She doesn't "go around" kissing random people. If it doesn't bother her, let it alone.

Singlebutmarried · 25/09/2018 22:48

I’m not a fan.

Was waiting for DD yesterday to come out of class.

One of the boys in her class come out and his mum stopped him and then kissed him on the lips for about 5 seconds.

Was a bit odd. They’re 8yo

HelloMorning · 25/09/2018 22:51

Yuk! I would HATE that! YAdefinitely not BU

Thurmanmurman · 25/09/2018 22:54

YANBU as it is about what is normal to you. I have always kissed my DCs on the lips and still kiss my DM on the lips, I’m 40 and she’s in her 70s! It’s normal to me but I can imagine it would make you feel uncomfortable.

Zombae · 25/09/2018 22:55

Guess it's how you were brought up. I have never kissed my parents or brothers on the lips. Now, I only kiss my husband on the lips and vice versa. We give our child kisses on the nose, forehead and cheeks etc. I didn't like the idea of swapping saliva with my lo. And tbh, I asked my MIL to stop kissing him on the lips. Pretty sure she has survived - she gets a lot of cuddles and kisses on the cheek. No offence to anyone who likes lip kissing a child, it's just my preference and everyone can do what they choose to.

thebangle · 25/09/2018 22:56

I'm not comfortable with it either. My OH nieces/nephews always kiss every family member on the lips before leaving the house and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I worry that my future children will be thrown into this tradition as it's not something I would encourage. Big hugs and a kiss on the cheek is enough to show your love.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 25/09/2018 22:57

Imo as you made those lips you get to decide who kisses them!!
*until teens I guess when they become more selective - and it's another sort of kiss!! My ds nearly 10 kisses me on the lips but ds 14 not for quite a while!!

Nicknacky · 25/09/2018 22:57

zombae Interesting you say everyone can do what they chose but you stop your child and mil doing what they feel natural to them. So only if it’s what you want really?

Original poster

Vap0 · 25/09/2018 23:01

Zombae - how did you ask her? Did she take it ok?

I can see this is a subject which has a clearly divided opinion. I’m being made out to be some kind of weirdo because I feel it is inappropriate and would rather it didn’t happen.

I don’t have any issue with other people kissing their own kids on the lips, that’s up to them, I just feel that if this isn’t a practice carried out by the parents then it isn’t appropriate for other people to do so either.

OP posts:

Spermysextowel · 25/09/2018 23:02

I’d be cautious about kissing toddlers on the lips because of CMV infection. Obviously your FIL isn’t pregnant but I’m not sure how it would affect someone with a weakened immune system or whose immune system becomes weakened later.
My mother kisses my eldest son on his lips (he’s nearly 21) & I just find it a bit yuk. My youngest beats a hasty retreat when it’s time to say goodbye to her. He prob feels the same!

scienceteachergeek · 25/09/2018 23:04

Totally agree with you Vap0

It didn't happen in my home growing up, nor my DH's household. It isn't going to be happening in ours either.

Jamiefraserskilt · 25/09/2018 23:05

Your child will make the decision when they feel lip kissing is inappropriate and creeps them out. Just about the same time as they will not want to be cheek pinched or hugged too closely. Meanwhile, it may be worth having a word with him when he goes in for one and say on the cheek please fil. Thank you.
Meanwhile, try and teach her through a game to show grandad her cheek every time he purses up.
I dislike it too. My father used to do it to us and I cringe when he tries now and present my cheek. It just doesn't feel right.

Orlandointhewilderness · 25/09/2018 23:05

well you can ask him to stop but be prepared for the fact he is going to think you don't trust him as it it just about accusing him of being a paedophile.

if you and your partner don't like it then you have to tell him. Bit of a weird reason and reaction though.

Nicknacky · 25/09/2018 23:07

science What is so sexualised about lips that you won’t kiss your own child on them?

What will/do you so if your child tries to kiss you?

SpikyCactus · 25/09/2018 23:08

I find lip kissing really inappropriate and yucky unless between two adults in a relationship. I was brought up to kiss cheeks only and even that was only immediate family. I’ve never kissed my own DC on the lips and will be teaching the word NO as soon as possible to safeguard against others who may attempt it.

OP YANBU and you need to tell your FIL to stop it, and ideally also teach your DC to say no as well.

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