To think something is wrong with me?

[stillscottishwater]

I'm sorry this might be long ..Thankyou if you read.
I've suffered with Pvcs (feel like skipped heartbeats but are extra beats ) since 2012.
Doctor said stress/anxiety.
I'm having a rough time since June with them (with good spells in between)
I've had every test imaginable and luckily my heart is healthy and nothing sinister is causing them.
I'm 32 and I look after my nan full time.
I have my dad and that's it for family.
My mum died of cancer when I was 13 and I've never got over it and never will.
I cry for her every day.
For a while now I've felt awful,i feel so sad,but a different type of sad,I've got nothing to make me happy.
I feel pointless like my life is disgusting,I have no boyfriend or children,I have to watch all my friends with children and a family and I'm here with nothing because obviously that's what I deserve.
My whole is looking after my nan and I feel so angry all the time now,my blood pressure feels sky high.
I have these Pvcs but they are okay till I leave the house and as soon as I'm outside they begin.
Today they were every few seconds whilst I was in town and then I got home and within seconds they stopped.
I always feel really hot and I get upset stomachs and headaches.
I feel a tight feeling round my throat a lot.
When I leave my nans I get home and think I've left the cooker on so have to rush back and check that all the plugs are off.
Or I will think I've left the door open and she will get out and fall down the stairs and die and it's my fault.
These Pvcs are ruining my life.
I've had blood tests,heart scans ,ecgs,Holter monitors etc and I'm perfectly healthy apparently.
Smear test was fine,swabs were fine,mri scan fine.
Last week things were awful and I ended up scratching all my face because ...well I don't know why.
I'm googling things it might be and I've found a few things but I know the doctors will say anxiety blah blah.
I was getting ready today and I was crying putting my make up on...I felt so low,I knew when I left home the skipped beats would start and they did.

I'm very ashamed about the face scratching.
I told my dad and he was disgusted in me.

It's probably because you feel more anxious when you're outside.

for you still, you need much more help with your nan, and you urgently need some mental health support.

And stop thinking that your dad is going to be any kind of help and support, he's not.

I feel so sad and worried for you reading this OP. You sound like you are suffering from major anxiety and most probably depression. I'm aghast that a GP would say that because you don't work you have nothing to worry about. If that's true then no retired or unemployed person should ever suffer with their mental health!

Obviously losing your mum at the age of 13 has had a massive impact on you. There is no time limit to the grieving process, and if your grief wasn't dealt with in a sensitive and appropriate way at the time of your mother's death then, rather than you being "over it by now", those emotions have been suppressed and bottled up and they are overshadowing your life. My father died when I was little and it's taken me into my 50's to work through the loss and the pain, using Emotional Therapeutic Counselling, because the adults around me acted as if nothing had happened and any tears I shed or questions I asked were ignored.

Try not to worry about your Pvcs. You've had all the tests and it's unlikely they have missed something. Your problems are more likely to be down to your poor mental health, exacerbated by unhealthy family dynamics. I can recommend the form of counselling I had. It involves some 'inner child' work which I was very sceptical about but which had a very positive effect for me. Good luck lovely

I honestly can't wait for my apt for the CPN to come through.
I wish I could just lay in bed with the curtains shut for a month to just relax ...if only.
I still have to do this daily.
I'm so tired,slept all night and woke up still so tired.
Things over the last month have changed in me and I've never realised till I've sat and thought.
I haven't had the tv on for two weeks (even tho I love my soaps) I used to go out every afternoon for a hour just to get out ..I'm currently lying on my Nanas bed.

Your right about my dad ..I say can you not understand why I'm like this ?
And he will say no idea nothing has happened to make you like this ..does he not realise the stress I'm under?

I haven't taken the medication.
He gave me sertraline(not sure I've you've heard of it ) but I don't want to take medication.
The side affects scare me and I really want to get to the bottom of my symptoms without medication.

The thing is, your GP (however unsympathetic he may be) HAS diagnosed the cause of your symptoms as being anxiety related. The Sertraline works by correcting an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain, which is a genuine physical reason for having the anxiety attacks. Your body then reacts to the anxiety by pumping loads of other chemicals around your body to get you physically prepared to cope with danger (called "flight or fight" response) which is probably why your PVCS are happening.

Aches and pains can be caused by muscle tension; if you are stressed various muscles in the body will again be prepared by the release of "flight or fight" chemicals, and they just stay sort of coiled up ready to react until either the anxiety goes away or you are plain too exhausted to maintain the state.

The sertraline doesn't act like a simple painkiller & mask the issue at the base of it all, it actually corrects a problem your body has rather than covering it up e.g. like taking antibiotics for an infection. If you have side effects from the sertraline there are many others available that the GP can prescribe until they find one that suits you.

So please do give the drugs a go, a proper go of at least 2-3 weeks as they can take that long to kick in. If they don't work you haven't really lost anything.

You've posted a few times about your nan and being the only one to look after her, haven't you? You have useless family who are happy for you to look after Gran so they don't have to?

You're not ill. These are all anxiety symptoms.

I'd:
Take the meds., They will help and will help you think more clearly.
Learn some mindfulness techniques and relaxation breathing exercises.
Contact your GP and tell them about your gran and say you can't look after her any more. They will be able to help. Has she been assessed? How bad is her dementia? Get some outside care organised.
Age UK may be able to help with that - give them a ring.

Your dad sounds like a useless waste of space so just ignore him. You won't make him ill. Don't worry about that.

I don't want to make assumptions but you sound a lot like me a few years ago. The route of my issues were past trauma issues, anxiety and exhaustion. You wrote about scratching your face and not knowing why - I used to do the similar things.
Sometimes life is so hard, such unending uphill treadmill and when you're caring for someone you don't have time to process all the backlog of 'stuff' in your head. It's not surprising that sometimes all the stress and frustration bubbles up and you lash out at yourself but please don't ignore this. It's a warning sign that you're struggling and need help. I don't want to doom and gloom you but you will probably find the mental health team/GP will be limited in what they can offer you but there are lots of other support routes and don't forget to do what you've done and live through what you have you are one strong strong person yourself!
I'm not sure where you live but if there are any carer networks near you reach out to them. They will be a big help - your not 'not working' your working full time as a carer and when you're not with your Nan your brain is still working and worrying - no wonder you are feeling bad! It's not something everyone can understand/empathise with but you'll meet people who are in the same boat and my experience is that everyone is really friendly and inclusive! Just having some people to chat about things with might help to make you feel better.
Your GP seems to have handled this badly but it's worth noting that sertraline is often prescribed for PTSD and anxiety so it maybe that he's thinking of your symptoms along those lines. See if you can make an appointment with another Dr and ask why this was prescribed, your symptoms and your worries about medication. Hopefully they'll be more kind to you and discuss things properly!
Sending lots of wishes to you x

I told my dad and he was disgusted in me.

This sounds like the sort of thing a child would say. I think part of you is stuck age 13. You are an adult and a woman in your own right. You just don’t know it yet.

Your father sounds very self centred and you clearly haven’t been allowed to grieve for your mother. You say your mums death was a long time ago. Time doesn’t heal. It is what you do with that time, which heals.

My father died when I was a little older than you. I am not close to my mother. She doesn’t believe in emotions and never comforted me after his death. It was always all about her. If your experience is anything like mine it was just assumed by everyone else that my mother would be looking after my grief. She didn’t. When I visited the doctor (alone), he asked me how my mother was. He didn’t even bother to ask about me. I put on a cold front and withdrew further. Looking back I felt invisible. I got counselling a few years after his death. But only really came to terms with his death when I went back years later for therapy.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are in pain. I took antidepressants for years. I would seriously consider taking them. The first lot of pills may not agree with you and you may have to try something else.

My dad was the same.
He didn't comfort me either,he has no pictures of her in his house.

Another weird feeling I get is I will be walking and sometimes it feels like the floor drops (as if you were in a lift ) that doesn't scare me as it's been happening years.

OP - you are (over) focussing on your physical health when it is your mental health that is so clearly the issue. You have a pending referral to the CPN and you really need to take the medication prescribed to tide you over. It is not 'normal' or sustainable to continue as you are or to cry every day.

Face scratching is a recognised form of OCD - it’s likely response to anxiety and trauma.

Oh you poor love. I agree with everyone else, I think you sound anxious and depressed and honestly, I'm not surprised because you really have been dealt a terribly tough hand. My husband was on sertraline for a couple of years, it helped him so much and the only side-effects he had were dry mouth and a bit of dizziness and they only lasted about two weeks. It might be that the sertraline just gets you to a place where you are able to start doing the things that will start to help you feel more normal again, like getting out of the house and seeing friends. I'd stop looking to your dad for support, it sounds like he's not capable for whatever reason. Some people aren't, either because they have their own problems or they're just arses. But either way, it's not about you, even though it's obviously had a terrible impact on you.
Counselling should help. But please consider the sertraline in the meantime, to get you through until you can get proper help.

You are a carer. People who haven’t done this have no real understanding of what an incredible toll it takes on people. It is not just like being a mum, the stress is indescribable, but people are just expected to get on with it.

It sounds to me as if all your symptoms are related to you being a carer. Have a look at the Carers Trust website here and see about getting a grant for some respite. There might be some other useful stuff there too.

Good luck!

Anxiety would seem the likely causes for your physical symptoms. You also seem depressed but that’s hardly surprising.

You don’t really seem to have physical health issues, nothing that’s not easily managed anyway. Your issue is mental health which is causing some physical symptoms and is also causing you to imagine worst case scenarios for physical issues you most likely don’t even have.

You need your mental health sorted, easier said than done I appreciate and assistance in moving forward in life away from being stuck in your mothers death, hiding behind responsibility for your grandmother and so on.

It’s a hard road and there’s really no quick fix but with the right help it’s doable and I really hope you hang in there and find the better future that’s waiting for you.

“An anyone try and understand why these Pvcs are happening outside when I'm walking?
Then today as soon as I got home and sat down my heart rate calmed down and slowed down and they stopped.”

Can you really not understand why, OP? It is because it is related to your anxiety, it is not a separate condition.

I really hope you can take in what people are saying to you, and make some changes.

There is nothing "wrong" with you OP. You are experiencing normal and understandable reactions to grief and trauma. You need a mental health referral for psychotherapy immediately. There is no reason you should have to wait for 5 months. You need to go back to your GP practice, see a different GP and explain the urgency of your feelings, as you have here. Explain that you are "extremely worried about your self and your own wellbeing". Demand a referral for therapy asap and don't stop until you get one.

Good luck X

I have/had exactly this. For years exactly as you describe. So many ECGs, 24-72 hour tapes, echoa, various medications. When i started my new job in April they got worse and uncontrollable and ended up in A&E convinced I was having a heart attack. After speaking to the doctors in A&E and a fantastic gp, I now know its anxiety. I know, I know, everyone under the sun seems to have this these days and it gets dismissed. But I was so convinced i had a problem with my heart (and even had an inaccurate cardiac diagnosis for years), I would never have believed it was anxiety. But after a lot of reading thats exactly what it is. Get yourself to your gp, get on that waiting list (Im finally having CBT and counselling and it is worth the wait!!!)
In the interim: accept its anxiety, find something small that calms you down (for me its a long soak in a bubble bath) and start reading up on ways to calm yourself down.

You are under a lot of stress with ypur relative and this will exacerbate any anxiety you have! Find time for yu and speak to the GP I promise its worth it. If you need any support let me know!

My mum died when I was 16. I didn't have the maturity to deal with it then so I locked it away in my brain until I was in my 20's and it started to bubble up to the surface again. I struggled and needed anti-depressants. I got some counselling and began to finally look at and deal with that old trauma.
I am a great believer that your brain will try to protect you and only try to get you to deal with what you can handle at the time. At 13 you didn't have the tools to deal with the enormity of what was happening - that is completely normal.
Now as an adult perhaps you can start, with appropriate help, to unpick what is going on for you.

www.cruse.org.uk/
They offer free bereavement counselling, its never too late to seek help nor is there a right way to experience grief.

Take the meds op! You dont know if the side affects will actually affect you but your anxiety is obviously crippling so surely the benefits massively outweigh any risk?

Looking after an elderly relative with Altzhiemers is one of the most stressful things there is on so many levels.
There is nothing "wrong" with you except for you having to deal with some very very stressful situations without any support and less than zero support from your father, who is making matters worse.
Be kind to yourself. Get as much help and support as you are able to. Hopefully you will find better people to talk to and to help you unwind this big knot of problems. Many people have suggested places you can go to for help, but I understand that you are feeling depressed and exhausted, could you try taking the medicine and holding on until you get to your appointment. Write a list when you go there so that they can understand and this will probably start you on the path to feeling more supported so that you can start to make yourself feel better I wish you all the very best. You sound like a very nice person who has been overwhelmed by events and this doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you but that you need some help in a situation anyone would find difficult to cope with, and yet you have coped with for a long time. Hugs.

Thankyou everyone for being a ear for me today.
I really needed to get everything off my chest.
This time next year things might be better.
You never know.

And are you going to your GP OP?