To think something is wrong with me?

[stillscottishwater]

I'm sorry this might be long ..Thankyou if you read.
I've suffered with Pvcs (feel like skipped heartbeats but are extra beats ) since 2012.
Doctor said stress/anxiety.
I'm having a rough time since June with them (with good spells in between)
I've had every test imaginable and luckily my heart is healthy and nothing sinister is causing them.
I'm 32 and I look after my nan full time.
I have my dad and that's it for family.
My mum died of cancer when I was 13 and I've never got over it and never will.
I cry for her every day.
For a while now I've felt awful,i feel so sad,but a different type of sad,I've got nothing to make me happy.
I feel pointless like my life is disgusting,I have no boyfriend or children,I have to watch all my friends with children and a family and I'm here with nothing because obviously that's what I deserve.
My whole is looking after my nan and I feel so angry all the time now,my blood pressure feels sky high.
I have these Pvcs but they are okay till I leave the house and as soon as I'm outside they begin.
Today they were every few seconds whilst I was in town and then I got home and within seconds they stopped.
I always feel really hot and I get upset stomachs and headaches.
I feel a tight feeling round my throat a lot.
When I leave my nans I get home and think I've left the cooker on so have to rush back and check that all the plugs are off.
Or I will think I've left the door open and she will get out and fall down the stairs and die and it's my fault.
These Pvcs are ruining my life.
I've had blood tests,heart scans ,ecgs,Holter monitors etc and I'm perfectly healthy apparently.
Smear test was fine,swabs were fine,mri scan fine.
Last week things were awful and I ended up scratching all my face because ...well I don't know why.
I'm googling things it might be and I've found a few things but I know the doctors will say anxiety blah blah.
I was getting ready today and I was crying putting my make up on...I felt so low,I knew when I left home the skipped beats would start and they did.

OP, it you cry every day for your mother after 20 years, there is something very wrong there. You haven't grieved properly.

No, you'll never forget her, or ever stop loving her, and the loss will ever be there. But the pain is making your life unbearable - and I'm pretty sure that would be the last thing your mother would have wanted for you.

Please find someone you can talk to and who can help you grieve. Your life shouldn't be like this.

Sorry I keep cross-posting with you. My mum died when I was 30 and my sister was 28. It hit my sister so very hard as they were terribly close and she needed counselling for quite a time. Grief hits people very differently and if you are still struggling then that is not something to feel bad about. It's something you probably need support with. It sounds like your Dad is not the best person to be able to help you with that.

When you go to the GP tell them that you are still struggling with your mum's bereavement and that it's in your thoughts daily. See what help they can offer. You could also try calling Cruse 0808 808 1677.

I was very much like before taking medication OP.

Please think about taking it.

OP, you need to take the medication. You are very clearly, very obviously depressed and anxious. The medication can help you. These irregular heart beats are nothing sinister if they have been checked out. in fact they sound just like regular panic attacks caused by stress and anxiety. Please, go to another GP and ask for grief counselling. I would also strongly consider getting in touch with adult social services and getting an assessment for your Nan so your load can be lightened and you can begin to start a life that is for you. You need to get out more and meet people.

I've taken Sertraline. It helped massively and I was able to wean off it successfully when I needed to. If that doesn't work for you then there are other similar drugs that can be taken. What are the side effects that worry you in particular?

'found a few things but I know the doctors will say anxiety blah blah'

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you know that because it's true. I think you need to speak to social services about getting a care package in place for your grandmother - you aren't well enough to continue and it's taking over your life. Get your Gp on side if needs be. You deserve a happy and fulfilling life. Health anxiety is miserable

Take the sertraline. You don't need to take it forever but it sounds like your thoughts are becoming problematic. I took sertraline for anxiety for about two years and it really helped me. During that time I also went to cbt and worked on my physical health by eating well and exercising and forcing myself to maintain friendships.

You sound so fed up. Go again to the doctors and explain that your mental health is deteriorating and can you be referred to a CPN? You are not intrinsically broken - when awful things happen to us in childhood it affects the way our bodies and minds work, but you can be well again.

Sorry, just seen you were only 13 when your mum died. That's very young indeed and a hugely difficult age to lose your mother. I am sorry you had to go through that and I urge you to seek support so that you can get your life on track and live it well. Bless you.

Please take the sertraline. You need to do so.

Extra heartbeats you refer to are benign, so there’s no reason to worry about them - what you describe is severe anxiety.

There’s no obglication to take medication, but you do sound like you need a lot of therapy.

Oh, Op, I feel for you, I really do.
I’m no doctor but I’m willing to bet your physical symptoms are due to stress.
It sounds like you’ve never come to terms with your mom’s death. To miss her is natural but to cry ove her every day, nearly 20 years on, isn’t.
I wonder if subconsciously you resent your Nan for still being alive at presumably an elderly age, while your mom died young. Is your nan your mom’s mom or your dad’s mom? If she’s your mom’s mom, can you talk about your mom with her, and get her to share memories of your mom growing up? Can you tell her that you really miss your mom? Can you tell her you understand she doesn’t want any outside help but that you need a break? Are there no other relatives, neighbours or friends who could pop in? If not, then maybe a cleaner to free up some of your time? Or could you persuade your nan to go into a home for respite for a week so you can take a holiday? Even if it’s a holiday at home - a few days pottering around or going on day trips?
Are you getting all the benefits you’re entitled to? Carer’s allowance and attendance allowance?
Take it from me your life is not disgusting. You do one of hardest jobs imaginable, looking after a sick relative, so be proud of yourself for that.
Is there a carer’s support group near you? Sometimes there are posters up in GP surgeries, libraries etc, or check your council website.
And do go back to the GP Nd hopefully see a more sympathetic doctor. Be honest about the crying and scratching your face.

People really shouldn’t be pushing drugs on the OP. It’s completely her free choice whether to take them or not. They can have unpleasant side effects.

This post is the most heartbreaking I have read on here for a while, I am so sorry you are going through all of this OP, you absolutely have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I would not be at all surprised if your physical symptoms are caused by stress, you are under so much pressure and have so much going on emotionally.

It sounds as though your issues are two-fold; 1- you need some help processing your grief for your mum 2 - being your Nan's carer is ruining your life and something has got to change. You have literally sacrificed everything by the sound of things - your chance to meet a partner and settle down and possibly have children, your chance to have a fulfilling career, your chance to have a decent social life, and actually on a more basic level you have no choices day to day about how you spend your time - I cannot imagine how hard all of that is. You are 32 and should be planning and living and you are trapped. That would make anybody ill, you must feel utterly miserable. And because it makes you feel so isolated and alone you naturally are yearning for the comfort of your mum.

If you stopped doing the caring role, went on strike as it were, and contacted the local authority they would surely be duty bound to step in? And your Nan will have to understand, that although she may not want outside help, your life is literally being ruined and she cannot continue to take every bit of your time and energy any longer. I mean let's be hypothetical - you are a young woman, what would happen if you got pregnant and had a baby, then what? No way would the situation be able to continue, baby would have to come first, your Nan's care would have to move to somebody else - what would that be in that situation?

I think you should see a different doctor, can you be 'signed off with stress' as it were from your role as a carer and then take that to the local authority and demand that they step in with some help? If the doctor were to say you are too fragile physically and mentally to continue then that's that.

I really feel for you, you should not be in this position. Yes your Nan needs to be cared for, but you need the freedom to live your life too, it would be awful to look back and have regrets.

Have you tried contacting something like Age UK for advice? That is what they are all about, caring for the elderly and in turn their carers - they may be able to give you some advice on what you can do to change the situation you are in.

My nan is my mums mum but she is 98 now and has Alzheimer's so I don't really get any conversation out of her anymore.
I've convinced myself I have endometriosis and won't be able to have children.
Maybe that's because I want kids so bad I'm thinking that I don't know.

I haven't contacted anyone no.
I got a letter for her flu jab last week and can't find the energy to even book an appointment.
I've got a massive overdue gas bill yet I haven't paid it and the thought of ringing to set up a p:p seems too much.
I'm full of aches and pains too today.
My legs are aching.

From what you've described of your Nan's age and medical condition she may not be able to see the entire picture if it's suggested that outside help is needed, she may not be able to comprehend the damage the situation is doing to you.

Here is a link to one of the Carer pages on the Age UK website - even if you can't bring yourself to do anything else today maybe take a look at it, and then when you are ready perhaps give them a call and speak to a human being who you can explain your situation to. They may have tons of really helpful advice: www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/helping-a-loved-one/#

You are describing me. I have all those symptoms. They are all caused by anxiety. As previous posters said go back to your GP and get referred to a mental health team. They will help

Your anxiety, loneliness and sadness all seem like completely rational responses to the situation you are in.

Your mum dying when you were so young may well have set up an exaggerated 'anxiety response' to health issues in your head. Now you're solely responsible for your Nan's health and wellbeing, and you are not well (emotionally) yourself. Of course you feel like crap. YOU NEED PROPER HELP. No-one deliberately scratches their face all over if they are OK. I'm so sorry about your mum. You are still grieving and need to work through it with someone who understands. Take a deep breath, go to a different GP and insist that you get the support and help YOU need. You don't exist just to support others.

It doesn't seem very fair that you are your Nan's full time carer.
I did it for a couple of years for my MIL, who I loved dearly, but it took over my life.
Please try to step back a bit.Your feeling like this seems stress related.I feel very sorry you are going through this

If she’s 98 with dementia, in the nicest possible way, she’s probably not going to be around an awful lot longer.
I’m sure you don’t wish her dead, but even if you don’t feel up to implementing changes now, could you start planning what you’d like to do with your life when it happens? Start thinking about the courses or jobs you’d like to do, hobbies, places you’d like to go, and how to meet new people.
You’re life is going to seem very empty when that time comes, but it will also set you free.
I’m sorry to be blunt, hope it doesn’t upset you more.

Very unfair of your Dad to say this.She's his Mum he should do more

Sorry OP, just realised she is your Mum's Mum

Can you take a snapshot of your original post and go and see your gp and show them. It is really hard getting those first words out, but once they are, then they can help you. The very fact they have prescribed you that medication though, says to me they understand what is wrong and are trying to help you.
Take the meds. The side affects are no worse than how you are feeling right now. They won't take away you missing your mum, or struggling to care for your nan, but they will help you see things more clearly and stop you worrying about things that you know you don't need to worry about.
Heres some unmumsnetty (((hugs))) and I really wish you all the best

An anyone try and understand why these Pvcs are happening outside when I'm walking?
Then today as soon as I got home and sat down my heart rate calmed down and slowed down and they stopped.
That's what I can't get to grips with.