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to think DP is desperate to please everyone except me?

83 replies

Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:10

My DP and I have been together 6 years, and I seem to basically have always been the bottom of priority list underneath friends and everyone else.

His friends say he is so selfless - yet I feel he treats me very selfishly.

The only way I can think of it is that he is basically chasing the approval of other more ‘alpha’ types.

Context: I am quite shy, but liked, not v social and need one-to-one time more than group. He has been involved in groups his whole life not had many gf.

He is away with work 3 nights a week every week and then when comes back he is busy catching up on other work. We spend very little time just the two of us, like actual dates, as he basically is always too busy, but he always makes time for group stuff or others.

He said he needs to spend time with others as a priority before he spends time with just me, as he needs to feel 'recharged'. Ok, extrovert introvert clash.
But this means if we have arranged something (usually after not spending time together for weeks), and someone else says come round ours for a get-together, he will not be able to turn it down, and he will make me feel guilty about missing out until I give in and we end up going round theirs instead, ditching our time.
If I have not given in, he will be funny all night and when we are spending time together and I come up with an activity he will say things like ‘you’re just trying to compete with the group’s activity’.

I’ve noticed he only seems to be interested in me after I have shown that his friends like me. Eg I went for a coffee with one of his friends once and after that he was like super attentive and wanted to take me for dinner (very unusual).

I recently met up with another of his friends with him recently and we got on well, and after he was all loving the next day and suggested an activity.

On my 30th birthday he went to band practice with his friends all night instead of planning something nice for me, then acted like I was entitled for saying I was upset, 'of course he wouldn’t ever let his friends down by cancelling'.

He took a flight home early from a family holiday where we had our own independent apartment and lots of independence because he wanted to go to an event with his friend (that he looks up to).

Why is he like this? If I like someone I like them when we’re alone.
He makes me feel like my shyness makes me unlovable and I’m only deserving of love when I do something I find hard, socialising and furthermore, being the most charming person in the room.

We were at a wedding and there was a v charismatic charming girl we were all talking to, and he sat next to her at dinner and made her an origami bird. While I was sat on the other side of him.

I was friends with his friend before we went out, I think that’s the only reason he liked me, because I had the approval factor.

Am I overreacting to think this is not ok?

Is anyone else struggling with this? Is it me? Etc.

OP posts:

Wallflowerfire · 25/09/2018 21:15

@Loonoon thank you for your reply. We actually have started couples therapy- only a consultant so far. Still waiting for the sessions to start. That was a month ago.
I set it up so we could get an impartial third person to see what was going on and whether it is beyond making right. She already noticed his 'minimising' tactics.

(I'm secretly hoping the therapist will just give him a massive telling off!
Unlikely though.)

@aintnothinbutagstring Thanks I will have a look at that book X

You're all right about the LTB stuff but it makes me heartbroken, probably because I know I'll be the one hurt and he'll just not care! Wish I'd never met him!

Thank you for your responses. X

OP posts:

Wallflowerfire · 25/09/2018 21:23

@starryeyed19 I'm sorry you went through that you sound incredibly strong, your ex sounds like an ass. Well done for going through with it! I hope you are living life how you want and happy now. X

OP posts:

MulticolourMophead · 26/09/2018 09:29

If you're feeling you wish you'd never met him, then just scrap couples therapy, get some therapy just for you, and just go.


LanceStatersGold · 26/09/2018 09:48

OP I was with someone like this and also went through the ‘but I can’t leave’ ...

I got a job and within two weeks I had left him. That was the kick I needed to remember who I was and that my inherent quietness was not actually an issue at all.

I believe a sign of a truly healthy relationship is one where you know you’d be okay on your own too. Because then you know you’re enough just as you are without the partner status. Relationships are about trust, respect and teamwork. Even when you love someone you have to have those other bits.

He knows you feel like this and hasn’t changed his behaviour in six years. You will hurt got a while but it will be ok in the end. Don’t let this colour the rest of your life.


Wallflowerfire · 26/09/2018 18:01

What if I'm not ok on my own. There is a huge backstory but I'm basically so absent minded that I end up in stupid situations all the time, I'm just a liability - if I was on my own - I'm honestly so vulnerable I pretty much need someone to stop me dying!

I have extreme anxiety because of my regular f-ups that makes me unable to work as fast as a normal person as I overthink and get stuck a lot, meaning money is tight!

Went to a therapist just for me and (waited 6 months on a waiting list) and after 12 weeks they said oh no there's literally nothing wrong with you.
I've been thinking a lot since I wrote this post and it's all just unravelling!

OP posts:

woollyheart · 26/09/2018 19:05

Are you sure there is something wrong with you? I am pretty absentminded too. I'm putting things down and losing them all the time. But when I've been on my own, I do manage to cope somehow. My DS is even worse than me and he also manages on his own.

When you are on your own and absentminded you tend to develop systems that help you manage better. Having other people there can sometimes interfere with you doing things the way that works for you.

For example, if you find that it works to gather things together and check them off before you set off, it can be pretty annoying and distracting to have someone impatient to go, standing in front of your 'to remember' pile and telling you that you should be able to act spontaneously. They are trying to be helpful but it just makes things go wrong.


MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2018 09:46

OP, find another therapist, and try your GP.

You are describing serious anxiety, it seems, and your previous therapist was wrong. Anxiety is definitely something that needs treating.


starkid · 27/09/2018 11:43

I'm shy/quiet, and weirdly have always ended up with rather loud/more sociable friends. I think they like that they can just hang out and calm down with me, but still have fun, without the competition of other loud people all the time.

The problem here about an introvert/extrovert, it's about respect, and he shows you none and being low on his priorities. I'd suggest the relationship has run its course and you will both be happier (eventually) apart.

You do not deserve to be low on the pecking order, you deserve someone who wants to spend time with you and not be waiting for the first opportunity to leave! Also I wouldn't worry about changing yourself or wondering if there's something wrong with you, it's not your fault! Good luck Flowers

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