to think DP is desperate to please everyone except me?
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:10
My DP and I have been together 6 years, and I seem to basically have always been the bottom of priority list underneath friends and everyone else.
His friends say he is so selfless - yet I feel he treats me very selfishly.
The only way I can think of it is that he is basically chasing the approval of other more ‘alpha’ types.
Context: I am quite shy, but liked, not v social and need one-to-one time more than group. He has been involved in groups his whole life not had many gf.
He is away with work 3 nights a week every week and then when comes back he is busy catching up on other work. We spend very little time just the two of us, like actual dates, as he basically is always too busy, but he always makes time for group stuff or others.
He said he needs to spend time with others as a priority before he spends time with just me, as he needs to feel 'recharged'. Ok, extrovert introvert clash.
But this means if we have arranged something (usually after not spending time together for weeks), and someone else says come round ours for a get-together, he will not be able to turn it down, and he will make me feel guilty about missing out until I give in and we end up going round theirs instead, ditching our time.
If I have not given in, he will be funny all night and when we are spending time together and I come up with an activity he will say things like ‘you’re just trying to compete with the group’s activity’.
I’ve noticed he only seems to be interested in me after I have shown that his friends like me. Eg I went for a coffee with one of his friends once and after that he was like super attentive and wanted to take me for dinner (very unusual).
I recently met up with another of his friends with him recently and we got on well, and after he was all loving the next day and suggested an activity.
On my 30th birthday he went to band practice with his friends all night instead of planning something nice for me, then acted like I was entitled for saying I was upset, 'of course he wouldn’t ever let his friends down by cancelling'.
He took a flight home early from a family holiday where we had our own independent apartment and lots of independence because he wanted to go to an event with his friend (that he looks up to).
Why is he like this? If I like someone I like them when we’re alone.
He makes me feel like my shyness makes me unlovable and I’m only deserving of love when I do something I find hard, socialising and furthermore, being the most charming person in the room.
We were at a wedding and there was a v charismatic charming girl we were all talking to, and he sat next to her at dinner and made her an origami bird. While I was sat on the other side of him.
I was friends with his friend before we went out, I think that’s the only reason he liked me, because I had the approval factor.
Am I overreacting to think this is not ok?
Is anyone else struggling with this? Is it me? Etc.
aintnothinbutagstring · 24/09/2018 18:46
You're not a loser! Was just wondering if you had much of a support network if you did leave him. A lot of the time, friends are made through 'forced socialisation' so work or school, doesn't sound like you have much opportunity for that. Do you have to be freelance? Or could you take up a very part time position? Or an evening class, art related maybe. I feel you should build more of a life that doesn't revolve around him, so you could get positive validation from other people thus building up your sense of self.
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 24/09/2018 18:53
It's not an introvert/extrovert thing. I'm an extrovert and my ex was in introvert (when it suited him 🙄) and he still put me last all of the time.
He's just selfish and taking you for granted. He thinks you'll never leave him so he can treat you like this.
Furx · 24/09/2018 19:05
You are conflating 2 unrelated issues ... you are shy. You think this makes you unlikable as a friend. — Wrong. Shy people can be lovely I have loads of fab shy friends. I’m gobby. And drawn to them for their ability not to have verbal diarrhoea in any given situation. I strive to be more like them. (Shy ppl can also be total dicks, but that’s personality, not shyness) Also. Your boyfriend is a total cock. And that isn’t because you are shy either. He’s just a cock. And sorry Paragraphs aren’t working for some reason.
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 19:22
@aintnothinbutagstring Well basically the reason I haven't done most of the suggestions here is low self esteem! It affects my ability to get - and stay in a proper job. Part time evening job I actually have but they're all about 18.
We live in a village - if I left him I would have to leave the area as the social group is all very tight knit and includes him.
Which is fine I need to make friends further afield. Maybe I should get a pt job in the nearest big town.
@Furx good to know! I will keep a look out for potential 'gobby' friends 😁
Thank you so much everyone for your support. It honestly is bringing a small tear to my eye!
starryeyed19 · 24/09/2018 19:52
You're not being rejected for your shyness. Your OH is an arse. What a horrible thing to do to someone, make them feel they are unworthy unless there is external approval. And leaving you alone on your 30th for BAND PRACTICE? Did his band not know it was your birthday?
End it. You deserve much better. And then he has all the time in the world to spend with his precious friends
starryeyed19 · 24/09/2018 19:57
This relationship sounds incredibly emotionally abusive, OP. Please don't stay with him because you're worried about what being alone would be like. It is much much better to be on your own than in a relationship that sucks the life and the joy out of you. I speak from experience. 16 years of it. Don't make the same mistake I did.
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 20:46
@starryeyed19 it's unlikely he told them the specific day, as that would have meant he'd actually have talked about me, and if they did know they probably assumed we'd discussed it and he was doing something nice for me at the weekend or something. He wasn't.
What happened after 16 years for you? Did you leave? He leave?
starryeyed19 · 24/09/2018 21:11
We had an arranged marriage and children. I started a new job and everything fell apart when he had to take them to school and pick them up three days out of the week. There was one crunch incident over the summer holidays. I had to come home early (I had been in my new job for 8 months) and we ended up having a row when he said he wouldn't take any responsibility for the children any more. So I asked him what he was doing here then.
He gathered up some things and called a cousin to pick him up, moaning the entire time to our children I was kicking him out. I think he expected me to beg him to stay. The minute he left, I called an emergency locksmith and had the front door lock changed. I spent most of the night checking it was still locked.
That was about two years ago now. I divorced him, which took longer than it should have, mostly because he wouldn't respond to any of the paperwork. He never did. My decree nisi came through in January.
I still have to see him every now and then because he now lives around the corner from us but I wish I had had the courage to do it sooner. I got married at 21. I was 36 by the time my divorce came through. I wasted a decade and a half of my life. All that time and all those years I should have been out experiencing life and getting to know myself and what I wanted, I spent in utter utter misery.
Please don't stay with him. He's eroding what little sense of self you have. And it is so hard to get that back. You deserve better. You are better than this. Go. Be free. Do what you want. When you want. If you want. But go. You won't regret it.
Greyponcho · 24/09/2018 21:21
He’s still living the life of a single guy, being ‘Mr Popular’ and ‘Mr Cool’. He clearly has no idea what it’s like to be in a relationship where you respect your partner. You say he's not had many gfs - there could’ve a massive reason why, you know! He sounds totally self-centred and not worthy of you. LTB
trojanpony · 24/09/2018 21:31
On my 30th birthday he went to band practice with his friends all night instead of planning something nice for me, then acted like I was entitled for saying I was upset, 'of course he wouldn’t ever let his friends down by cancelling'. FUCK.THAT. SHIT. Run for the hills he’s an arsehole and being alone is better than being with that knobhead
MulticolourMophead · 24/09/2018 22:49
But if you finish with him, you're not being rejected for your shyness, you're rejecting him for being a self-centred ass-hat. You will find someone who is better suited to you, please don't waste any more time on this one.
I agree with this. He’s just a prick. And insecure at that. I agree he sounds emotionally abusive. A part time job elsewhere is a good idea, get some new friends and a new DP.
Thebluedog · 25/09/2018 08:11
Being shy doesn’t make you unloveable. But I bet my bottom dollar that your dh has programmed you to think and feel this... what you will probably find is all those feelings of being unlovable, low self esteem etc will suddenly disappear when you get rid if your dh.
Loonoon · 25/09/2018 08:40
Hi Wallflower. You asked how DH reacted when I first talked to him about his similar behaviour. TBH it’s so long ago I can’t remember as we’ve been married over 30 years. But I do know that when we’d been together about 6/7 years we hit a crisis and went to couples therapy which was very helpful in making us see that we didn’t have to be exactly the same or want exactly the same things to be happy together but that we could compromise without shame. . . One of the things that helped me realise I was important to him and he did love me was his willingness to attend the sessions and try to participate despite his being such a quiet man. Would your partner be willing to try something similar?
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/09/2018 09:28
Hi OP it's horrible being shy isn't it. It seems like all the words associated with being an extravert are positive and those associated with introvert are negative. But almost half the population are introverts! There are loads and loads of people just like us everywhere. I am the same, I don't make friends unless they are forced to spend time with me...at work people think I'm rude and unfriendly then if they have to sit next to me for a few months they change their mind and become friends. Maybe a job somewhere else in a field with a lot of similar people would help? Introverts do have positive traits - thoughtfull, think before they speak, good listeners, attention to detail, self sufficient etc. You sound like you think he's better than you as he's an extrovert and are letting him get away with treating you like shit. Not doing anything for your 30th is not him being outgoing - it's him being thoughtless and uncaring and generally shit. Relationships are about compromise - if one of you likes going out with lots of people and the other likes staying in just the two of you, you do some of both as you want to help make the other person happy. Where is he compromising? If he had kids and they were shy as well would he just tell them they were at the bottom of his list of priorities as well as he needs to socialise? Leaving a holiday early is not normal behaviour, it sounds like he is insecure around his friends if he feels they are going to drop him after missing one meet up! I think you need to work on your self esteem. Really work on it. And getting some more interests etc. Making friends is really hard but it will be easier if you are feeling better about yourself. Do all this for you not to keep him. I think when you feel more confident you'll realise that you deserve to be treated better than this as anyone deserves to be treated better than this. It's not your fault - he is an adult and can control how he treats you. You've told him how you feel and he doesn't listen.
aintnothinbutagstring · 25/09/2018 10:14
I think getting out of your village, even for some of the time will really help, finding a job in your nearest big town sounds like a great idea! Or going there for other reasons, a course, a group, volunteer.
Have a look on Amazon at Brian Nox, he's wrote a few books for women and relationships, the front covers of his books look a bit silly but he honestly speaks so much sense and really stands up women, basically live your own life and take no shit!
TheNoodlesIncident · 25/09/2018 10:30
OP you have been brave taking the step of starting a thread on this, and you have been brave in taking on board what posters have said. Please carry on being brave, being strong, ending this waste of your precious time. Moving to a new area, looking for a new job - it's great that you are thinking of taking these steps. You utterly deserve to be free to find a new relationship where you are cherished for who you are. You would also be doing your BF a favour by releasing him to find a new partner that would suit him better like a stick
ambereeree · 25/09/2018 10:56
OP this makes me sad for you. He sounds like he's still trying to get into the popular kid gang and has low self esteem. I suspect after meeting you, his friends give a nod of approval and you are his way into the gang.
Honestly you need to cut ties and concentrate on yourself. Get that pt job make new friends and start enjoying your life.
As for the charismatic woman i really don't think she would be interested in him. Otherwise he would dump you without a second thought. I hope that doesn't upset you but I want to be blunt.
GeorgeTheHippo · 25/09/2018 11:19
I should act better, be different, I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy, if I can change he will care more like he cares for everyone else.
Bless you,OP, it's not you. It's him. This ^ will never happen. Start building more of a life for yourself, then leave him. He doesn't sound as though he has much respect for you.
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