My DP and I have been together 6 years, and I seem to basically have always been the bottom of priority list underneath friends and everyone else.
His friends say he is so selfless - yet I feel he treats me very selfishly.
The only way I can think of it is that he is basically chasing the approval of other more ‘alpha’ types.
Context: I am quite shy, but liked, not v social and need one-to-one time more than group. He has been involved in groups his whole life not had many gf.
He is away with work 3 nights a week every week and then when comes back he is busy catching up on other work. We spend very little time just the two of us, like actual dates, as he basically is always too busy, but he always makes time for group stuff or others.
He said he needs to spend time with others as a priority before he spends time with just me, as he needs to feel 'recharged'. Ok, extrovert introvert clash.
But this means if we have arranged something (usually after not spending time together for weeks), and someone else says come round ours for a get-together, he will not be able to turn it down, and he will make me feel guilty about missing out until I give in and we end up going round theirs instead, ditching our time.
If I have not given in, he will be funny all night and when we are spending time together and I come up with an activity he will say things like ‘you’re just trying to compete with the group’s activity’.
I’ve noticed he only seems to be interested in me after I have shown that his friends like me. Eg I went for a coffee with one of his friends once and after that he was like super attentive and wanted to take me for dinner (very unusual).
I recently met up with another of his friends with him recently and we got on well, and after he was all loving the next day and suggested an activity.
On my 30th birthday he went to band practice with his friends all night instead of planning something nice for me, then acted like I was entitled for saying I was upset, 'of course he wouldn’t ever let his friends down by cancelling'.
He took a flight home early from a family holiday where we had our own independent apartment and lots of independence because he wanted to go to an event with his friend (that he looks up to).
Why is he like this? If I like someone I like them when we’re alone.
He makes me feel like my shyness makes me unlovable and I’m only deserving of love when I do something I find hard, socialising and furthermore, being the most charming person in the room.
We were at a wedding and there was a v charismatic charming girl we were all talking to, and he sat next to her at dinner and made her an origami bird. While I was sat on the other side of him.
I was friends with his friend before we went out, I think that’s the only reason he liked me, because I had the approval factor.
Am I overreacting to think this is not ok?
Is anyone else struggling with this? Is it me? Etc.
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Please
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AIBU?
to think DP is desperate to please everyone except me?
83 replies
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:10
OP posts:
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