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to think DP is desperate to please everyone except me?

83 replies

Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:10

My DP and I have been together 6 years, and I seem to basically have always been the bottom of priority list underneath friends and everyone else.

His friends say he is so selfless - yet I feel he treats me very selfishly.

The only way I can think of it is that he is basically chasing the approval of other more ‘alpha’ types.

Context: I am quite shy, but liked, not v social and need one-to-one time more than group. He has been involved in groups his whole life not had many gf.

He is away with work 3 nights a week every week and then when comes back he is busy catching up on other work. We spend very little time just the two of us, like actual dates, as he basically is always too busy, but he always makes time for group stuff or others.

He said he needs to spend time with others as a priority before he spends time with just me, as he needs to feel 'recharged'. Ok, extrovert introvert clash.
But this means if we have arranged something (usually after not spending time together for weeks), and someone else says come round ours for a get-together, he will not be able to turn it down, and he will make me feel guilty about missing out until I give in and we end up going round theirs instead, ditching our time.
If I have not given in, he will be funny all night and when we are spending time together and I come up with an activity he will say things like ‘you’re just trying to compete with the group’s activity’.

I’ve noticed he only seems to be interested in me after I have shown that his friends like me. Eg I went for a coffee with one of his friends once and after that he was like super attentive and wanted to take me for dinner (very unusual).

I recently met up with another of his friends with him recently and we got on well, and after he was all loving the next day and suggested an activity.

On my 30th birthday he went to band practice with his friends all night instead of planning something nice for me, then acted like I was entitled for saying I was upset, 'of course he wouldn’t ever let his friends down by cancelling'.

He took a flight home early from a family holiday where we had our own independent apartment and lots of independence because he wanted to go to an event with his friend (that he looks up to).

Why is he like this? If I like someone I like them when we’re alone.
He makes me feel like my shyness makes me unlovable and I’m only deserving of love when I do something I find hard, socialising and furthermore, being the most charming person in the room.

We were at a wedding and there was a v charismatic charming girl we were all talking to, and he sat next to her at dinner and made her an origami bird. While I was sat on the other side of him.

I was friends with his friend before we went out, I think that’s the only reason he liked me, because I had the approval factor.

Am I overreacting to think this is not ok?

Is anyone else struggling with this? Is it me? Etc.

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 24/09/2018 17:43

He won't be with a charismatic social woman. I'll bet he won't want a charismatic social woman. He'll be with someone who ends up as unhappy as you are now. You will be relieved you are no longer that person and feel sympathy for her that she's that person now.


MessyBun247 · 24/09/2018 17:44

You are scared of breaking up with him. Why? What is it specifically you are scared of?


wafflyversatile · 24/09/2018 17:45

He sounds a bit like the dog in the manger. He's not interested in you but doesn't want anyone else to have you. As soon as you pay someone else attention or they pay you attention he's reminded that you could replace him so pays you a little bit of attention for all of 5 minutes.


TechnicalSergeantGarp · 24/09/2018 17:47

I was friends with his friend before we went out, I think that’s the only reason he liked me, because I had the approval factor. You've been wendy'd by your "d"p because he wanted to be friends with your friends. Dump him for being boring.


Letterrecieved · 24/09/2018 17:48

This is my ex. 7 years of him wanting to impress anyone but me. He eventually left me for one of the colleagues he used to bend over backwards to fit in with. They do everything togther I wish he would have done with me.


Hidingtonothing · 24/09/2018 17:49

I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy, if I can change he will care more like he cares for everyone else. If you need to change yourself and your behaviour to that extent you’re with the wrong person.


Brambleboo · 24/09/2018 17:59

It made me so sad to read your posts, OP, especially your comment about you changing and maybe he would start caring for you more. Please value yourself more; he's treating you terribly. He sounds like a very strange person, from the way you've described him. You say he's not had many girlfriends, but I don't think this excuses him from treating you well. You deserve much more and, if you start to think more of yourself, then you will find many other relationship possibilities. This man is making you feel bad about yourself and I hope you put a stop to it.


Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:59

Messybun it's just like when we talk about breaking up or get into an argument where I think I'll leave - suddenly I feel like the world becomes a very hostile place. Like everyone on the outside is cruel and no one cares about me, and if I need help I won't be able to ask anyone and I'll just be like... abandoned! I panic. And think here is better than there.
Weird as he technically is the one doing that to me!
I sound quite wet don't I really! It's not like I don't go out and do my own thing. I have the gym and my artwork I do. I try to be independent.

OP posts:

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 24/09/2018 18:04

He sounds exactly like my ex husband. This was the main reason we split up - yet he never understood and still feels like I was making a big deal out of nothing.
He will never see your point of view. You will always come second ( or even lower) . You 100% deserve better.


woollyheart · 24/09/2018 18:06

Shyness doesn't make you unloveable. There are plenty of introverted shy people who are loved and cared for.

You say he is trying to earn people's approval by being charming and selfless to them. It is possible to be extroverted and insecure.

He is willing to sacrifice things for others because he feels worthless and has something to prove to them.

You don't count as an important other person that he needs to make an effort for. He feels worthless. By association, you are also worthless because you are only with him.

I used to be really hurt by the animated enthusiasm with which my ex used to answer the phone to anyone else (even spam callers) in contrast to the bored lack of interest when he answered the phone to me. He saw me as an extension of himself and saw no reason to bother.

It is difficult to part, but you will survive and be happier in the long run.


Shoxfordian · 24/09/2018 18:07

He went out with his friends instead of you on your birthday? Really that should have been game over then op. Don't waste another 6 years


Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/09/2018 18:07

But you’re already being rejected for your shyness; he needs to see his mates (as a priority, no less!) to “recharge” before he can bring himself to spend time with you. And he tells you this Confused. Why are you still with him?


aintnothinbutagstring · 24/09/2018 18:08

Do you have much else in your life apart from him? Work, family, friends, you've mentioned gym and art as hobbies. I wouldn't put it down to being shy, likely he is just an arse. Plenty of shy guys out there I'm sure!


ALongHardWinter · 24/09/2018 18:09

My exP used to do exactly what your DP is doing. That is one of the (many) reasons he is now my ex.


AlphaBravo · 24/09/2018 18:10


Whipsmart · 24/09/2018 18:12

Even if you were very sociable and extrovert, it would still feel crap to be with someone who ditched you when a "better" offer cane up, prioritised not letting down his band practice mates over not letting you down on your birthday etc.

He just sounds really childish tbh. Who ends a holiday early because their mate's asked them to do something?

You can do so much better! Every day you're wasting with this twerp is a day you're not spending with a lovely future boyfriend who wants to spend loads of time with you!


Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 18:15

@woollyheart this makes perfect sense... Eyes opened.

OP posts:

zen1 · 24/09/2018 18:21

You sound as if you have really low self-esteem. It doesn’t matter if you’re shy, that doesn’t make you any less of a great person. He sounds as if he gets kicks from feeling superior to you and making you feel ‘less’ because you aren’t as sociable as him. It may hurt you in the short term, but you would be much better off ending this relationship and finding someone who genuinely appreciates you for who you are.


Loonoon · 24/09/2018 18:26

He’s not rejecting you for being shy, he knows you are shy and it works for him. You wait at home for him and put up with him putting you last. My DH can be similar to your partner - he is actually very insecure. He was the quiet one of a very outgoing family and became used to being overlooked. It means being included in peer groups is very important to him. Probably overly important and he finds it very hard to not be present when a group of his mates are together. The difference between him and your partner is that my DH is aware he does this and so he makes an effort to do the things that are important to me and DC too. It probably also helps that like you I am introverted and relish evenings in on my own but also completely confident that DH truly cares for me and will put me first when it really matters. I agree with other posters that he doesn’t seem that into you. You sound lovely and I am sure if you rejected him you could probably find someone more kinder and more compatible


JoyceByersFairyLights · 24/09/2018 18:29

As everyone else has said, please leave him. You can do a lot better than this, and the longer you stay with him the more his behaviour will erode your self worth. Please please don’t continue to heap the blame for his shitty behaviour onto your shyness or anything else to do with your personality. Try to refocus on the steps you could take to get strong enough to get rid of him. Have you got any friends/family who will understand and support irl? I really sympathise though. I had a bf just like this a while back, and it was soul destroying. He did everything for everyone else except me, was everyone’s best mate, but was totally indifferent to me (yet wouldn’t let me leave him?!) and it massively messed up my mental health. Dumping him was the best thing I ever did.


AmateurSwami · 24/09/2018 18:31

Oh god, just leave. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t like you.


Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 18:36

@aintnothinbutagstring I have work, I am freelance though so not v social.

Not many friends as I just think agh I'm not good enough for someone to want to spend time with I'm 'too quiet' (as I've been told before) so don't bother with the inevitable!

Old friends - some, they have busy lives and are about 100-200 miles away!! I moved, or they moved, etc. I do talk to them and they do care about me, we are just not super close though.

Yep! Super mega loser over here!!!

@Loonoon how did the conversation go when you brought it up about him putting peer group first? If I try to bring it up it's just defensive defensive defensive and "why am i criticising him" etc.

Feel like all signs point to ditch and run.

OP posts:

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 24/09/2018 18:39

I don't think this is an extrovert/introvert thing or anything to do with your shyness. He just sounds incredibly insecure with low self esteem. Why does he come home early from a holiday to please his friends? Its actually pathetic, why can't he say no to anyone? He sounds so desperate to be liked and please people. I think the reason he doesn't make an effort with you is because he feels superior to you, because you are shy but you are so much better than him op. It wouldn't be him leaving you because you are shy it would be you leaving him because he's pathetic


DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 24/09/2018 18:41

You are not the super mega loser OP!


BotherationBuggeration · 24/09/2018 18:44

Woollyheart has described his attitude perfectly. Rather than end the relationship, why don’t you try just letting him do what he wants, don’t encourage him to spend time with you, don’t chase him. You’ll probably find that you don’t miss having him around too much - and it won’t be long before you find it far easier to get rid of him.

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