DP in foul mood and holiday imminent..

[EstuaryBird]

I've been with DP for nearly 30 years and he's always been prone to long lasting horrible moods, I've just learned to live with them. He's also been a heavy smoker for most of his life and gave up about 5 weeks ago (he hasn't told me this and I haven't mentioned it because he's done really well..). Tbh I know he's a narcissist but I've learned to just get on with life and ignore him - when he's in a good mood he's alright.

Anyway, he's recently decided he really wanted to go on a cruise so we're going on a short, 7 day, ridiculously expensive one very soon. When we booked it he was full of enthusiasm but now he won't even talk about it. For the past few weeks he hasn't really spoken to me at all and if I try to talk to him he either stares at the TV and ignores me or grunts one word answers. The only time he initiates conversation is if his computer needs fixing or if he's found something he can complain about - this is not unusual behaviour and not all down to not smoking.

Under normal circumstances this wouldn't really bother me, even if we were going on a regular holiday it wouldn't bother me much, but a cruise is going to mean close proximity to other people and he can make everyone very uncomfortable if he wants to. He knows that I never upset people unnecessarily, and am always nice unless given good reason not to be, so he's not above being borderline rude to people if he's trying to make me feel awkward.

So, AIBU to hope that bloody volcano in Iceland would hurry up and erupt so we won't be able to fly out to get the ship?

(Before anyone rips me about the disruption for everyone else on the planet.....I know! - it is a bit tongue in cheek!)

I would say 'are you going on this cruise or am I because I'm not going with you in a grump.'

Ewwww jizz comments 🤮🤮

He's going to be fun on "formal night"!!!

Send him off on the cruise by himself, and whilst he's gone, sort all the paperwork, put the house up for sale, and get yourself the life you deserve my lovely, because as sure as heck, no one deserves to live like this.

he might be stressed by the holiday. Go as planned and pretend he is just someone on the same boat, nothing to do with you, and that way you dont have to take his moods personally

Jizz comments?!

OP if he's quit cold turkey after being a life long smoker you may suddenly have some hospital time on your hands, quitting suddenly can wreak havoc. Make sure he weans off gradually!!

nothing dear and no partnership. how much more of your life do.you want to waste? and will you even inherit if you push him?

I honestly would prefer to be on my own forever than with someone like this.

Do you have assets/rights to your property? You sound like you have a fun and lovely life, with this lump of misery just weighing you down. As pp said, it would wreak havoc with my mental health being with someone like this. I’d be looking for an out. You only get one precious life, why be someone else’s phsycological punchbag?

Thanks for your feedback everyone x. I do know you're right. I've been out for a walk and a think. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm going to take the holiday to make a mental plan and then when we come back I'll tell him what .I'm thinking. We jointly own the house, and everything really and we have a bit of savings and so on. Who knows....he might agree! He doesn't seem to be exactly happy either! A lot to think about...

Oh he sounds like my dad, my mum puts up with the same. I am sick of telling her not to walk on egg shells around him, and to stop the controlling abuse he puts her through so she falls into line.

My advice OP is let him show himself up, do not make excuses for his behaviour, ignore ignore ignore and do what makes you happy.

Good advice @Nightwatch999. What really upsets me here is how many men seem to behave in the same way!! i know many will, rightly, say that it's because we let them but it's not that just that.....you get very entangled before the real nasty sod reveals himself.

I continue to wonder how boring, difficult men who grind women down with their tedious moodiness, actually get a woman to stay with them.

You're going on the cruise with him so you'll have to put up with being embarrassed by his behaviour won't you. & the pitying looks and sighs of relief from other women thanking God he's not their husband.

Depends on your dynamic tho, rather than put up with this nonsense on holiday you could mostly avoid him. Cruise ship is big enough. Won't be very nice for you when you've Togo back to your shared room at night tho.

30 years of your one and only life tho...just, why?

What really upsets me here is how many men seem to behave in the same way what should upset you is how many men DON"T behave in the same way but are nice, pleasant companions and friends. That's what would upset me. I'd think "why don't I have one of those instead of the dud one I got. Maybe I could do something about that"

Make sure you each have your own cabin key card. Book yourself on activities and excursions you know he won’t like. Large ships have different restaurants as well as your booked table. Spend as much time without him as you can. If it works for you you’ll have your answer. I wish you well.

What do you actually gain from the relationship? Besides boredom dressed in a security costume?

Come off it, it's not depression, it's abuse. Prolonged sulks and silent treatment as a way to regain control - which is what abuse is all about, not violence - are covered on day one at the abuser training academy. They can flunk abuser school and still have those tricks mastered. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Seriously though, the Freedom Programme did change my life for the better. You're right, they manipulate and charm their way into our lives and then gradually become increasingly vile as their confidence grows that we'll never leave. It's not that you let him, or you chose someone who was an utter bastard from the moment you met him. It's just how abusers operate and the conditioning they subject you to. You get so used to the new normal they've created for you that you lose all sense of perspective about how awful it actually is.

."he might agree! He doesn't seem to be exactly happy either......"maybe but unlikely. He will make your life even more miserable. Get your plans sorted before you discuss. Where you will go. Flat sorted. Talk to a lawyer . Youcan force sale of house. Build a separate bank account with your own funds. If he wanted to leave he would have gone. He likes belittling you .... be careful.

OP you sound like so much fun, I can tell from your few short posts that you will love divorcee retirement life meeting friends and having adventures if that's what you choose

In the immediate future if you intend to go on the cruise there is no reason why you have to spend any time with him at all.Even meals can be taken separately if you wish. Yes there are set tables for your cabin for formal meals but you are under no obligation to attend.You can go to the informal buffet in casual clothes if you want to. Or even your LBD if thats what you want. Thats the best about cruises.No 'must dos' .

I agree re the doing all separately on the cruise. But imagine what OP will have to live with when they get back....! It is not going to bode well.& if it were that easy for OP to stand her ground I doubt she'd have put up with three whole decades of his appalling behaviour. Just a thought re the reality of the situation. A get out plan would be the best thing to happen if it's at all possible.

My mother could have written this, OP. Except she is a narcissist who lives for drama and playing the victim. She stays with her scum husband for martyrish reasons, and seeing her being emotionally and verbally terrorised by her choice of scum has caused me huge damage. I don’t bother with either of the miserable bastards now. What’s your reason for accepting this? Three decades down the shitter is not a reason to stay in an abusive sham of a relationship. He’s just a boyfriend? Dump that shit. You get one life.