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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP in foul mood and holiday imminent..

102 replies

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 15:38

I've been with DP for nearly 30 years and he's always been prone to long lasting horrible moods, I've just learned to live with them. He's also been a heavy smoker for most of his life and gave up about 5 weeks ago (he hasn't told me this and I haven't mentioned it because he's done really well..). Tbh I know he's a narcissist but I've learned to just get on with life and ignore him - when he's in a good mood he's alright.

Anyway, he's recently decided he really wanted to go on a cruise so we're going on a short, 7 day, ridiculously expensive one very soon. When we booked it he was full of enthusiasm but now he won't even talk about it. For the past few weeks he hasn't really spoken to me at all and if I try to talk to him he either stares at the TV and ignores me or grunts one word answers. The only time he initiates conversation is if his computer needs fixing or if he's found something he can complain about - this is not unusual behaviour and not all down to not smoking.

Under normal circumstances this wouldn't really bother me, even if we were going on a regular holiday it wouldn't bother me much, but a cruise is going to mean close proximity to other people and he can make everyone very uncomfortable if he wants to. He knows that I never upset people unnecessarily, and am always nice unless given good reason not to be, so he's not above being borderline rude to people if he's trying to make me feel awkward.

So, AIBU to hope that bloody volcano in Iceland would hurry up and erupt so we won't be able to fly out to get the ship?

(Before anyone rips me about the disruption for everyone else on the planet.....I know! - it is a bit tongue in cheek!)

OP posts:
unyummy4amummy · 24/09/2018 16:19

Whatever you decide to do, don't waste the holiday! There will be lots of fun activities and excursions and of course enjoy all the Cake and Wine Gin

You could always change the name on his ticket (for a nominal fee), take a friend, have fun and take the time to think about what you really want

mantlepiece · 24/09/2018 16:21

We’ve been on a cruise, just sign up for lots of the activities on board then you can leave him to his own devices. The only thing that might cause you embarrassment is that you are usually seated with other people for dining. I would try and avoid that if I were you!

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2018 16:21

If you won't push him off the ship and you can't leave him, at least encourage him to start smoking again. Wink

HotSauceCommittee · 24/09/2018 16:21

Pull him up on it. Tell him his foul behaviour is hurtful and that it’s a miserable life you and that this would be a deal breaker for others. What would he do if you read him the riot act? I feel so sorry for you x

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:23

Don't worry, Dairymilkmuncher, I'm very good at standing up for myself! I'm no shrinking violet. I'm to try your tactic, it would be a shock to him to hear me say something like that and he may react well to it.

OP posts:
EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:25

Sorry I'm posting in little chunks but my iPad is refusing to do paragraphs now!

OP posts:
Thundercracker · 24/09/2018 16:25

Don’t let the sunk costs fallacy (or time, in your case) spoil your retirement. You have spent 30 years with him. Whether or not he was at the beginning, he’s now an arse by your description. You can’t get those 30 years back but you can make changes now which mean you don’t spend any more time unhappy. Sorry to be gloomy but what happens if he gets ill - are you going to be a carer for him? Are you confident that if you become ill, he’ll do the same for you? “DP” suggests you’re not married. (Also sorry for lack of paragraphs - return key not working.)

MiddleClassProblem · 24/09/2018 16:26

My phone is refusing too so it must be a MN glitch. Hopefully it will go soon.

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:26

@MrsTerryPratchett. I spat my tea out! Perfect. I'll go and buy him some fags Grin

OP posts:
Juells · 24/09/2018 16:27

Sorry I'm posting in little chunks but my iPad is refusing to do paragraphs now! I'm having the same problem on a laptop, wonder if it's MN rather than our machines?

Fairyliz · 24/09/2018 16:28

You have put DP not DH so does that mean you are not married? If so you could just walk away. I assume if you have children they are grown up now if you are retired?

WeShouldOpenABar · 24/09/2018 16:28

Have you anyone else you can invite on the cruise that can go last minute, get them to pay for the change of name and leave him to stew at home

blackteasplease · 24/09/2018 16:30

I had one of this - just like you describe - and I got rid. By divorce rather than murder but I often felt tempted (not serious obviously!). Best choice I ever made.

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:30

@thundercracker - that he would be a good carer is one thing I would be sure about. He's done it before after a couple of ops I've had and he was an amazing career for his mum. He would be a terrible patient though if I had to care for him!

OP posts:
EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:31

Carer, not career

OP posts:
DancingForTheDog · 24/09/2018 16:31

Honestly, the cruise is the least of your worries lovely. You have just retired and you're now facing the reality of having to actually deal with this moron and to put up with his emotional abuse day in day out, possibly for decades to come! You can't carry on like this. The only reason you have stayed together is because you rarely saw each other before retirement. You are not responsible for him, you deserve better than him and you can have a wonderful retirement without him. Change is scary I know, and fear of change is the prime reason why people stick with what they know, even if they are miserable. What's that expression?.. "feel the fear and do it anyway". Get away from this man who is sucking your life-force from you like a dementor. Good Luck!

ifonly4 · 24/09/2018 16:34

If you think you can go away with him and cope with his moods, go and get the most out of the holiday yourself. Enjoy the views and food. They'll be a lot happening onboard so if you fancy joining in, just tell him you're going. Longterm, make sure you build up a life for yourself, ie meet friends, join clubs, pop into town, even go out for the day on your own. There must be times when your relationship is okay with him, but you want something else in your life - if he wants to be miserable fine, but you need to be out enjoying yourself.

serbska · 24/09/2018 16:36

Sorry I'm posting in little chunks but my iPad is refusing to do paragraphs now! I'm having the same problem on a laptop, wonder if it's MN rather than our machines? I am having same problem too on my laptop.

serbska · 24/09/2018 16:36

Go. Enjoy the food and activites and be sooooooooo busy you don't have time to speak to him.

NorthernRunner · 24/09/2018 16:36

Doesn’t sound too dissimilar to my DH, (who has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression btw) Exercise always works for my DH and you often get great facilities on cruise ships, stay active and try stay as breezy as you can. I often say to my husband what can I do to help and it seems to stop him in his tracks a little

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:40

@DancingForTheDog, what a coincidence, the other night Harry Potter was on and I told DP (he is DP, not DH - at least I said No to that!) that he was a Dementor and he sucked all the joy out of life! Actually, I do have a lot of joy, I have great friends, I do voluntary works and I love loud, live music and go to lots of gigs and festivals etc with friends. I basically just carry on life without him, which is probably why I've got in a flap about this cruise!

OP posts:
diddl · 24/09/2018 16:40

Also can't do paragraphs!! It's OK in the day if you can do seperately, but are you likely to be sitting with others at meals? If so-what then? Do you all tell him to stop being an arse?

FunSponges · 24/09/2018 16:41

Let him wallow in the cabin and enjoy yourself OP. And it's not to late to bin him off. I imagine your frustration with him won't improve now you are retired and seeing more of him. I also can't do paragraphs, really bloody annoying!

FrustratedBeyond · 24/09/2018 16:45

My husband is very very similar... I booked a 2 week holiday in Florida for next year with my 2 DC ... And my DH isn't invited!! He knows he'd ruin it if he came... How bad is that Confused

TatianaLarina · 24/09/2018 16:46

If he’s in a mood about the cruise can you go with a mate instead?

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