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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP in foul mood and holiday imminent..

102 replies

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 15:38

I've been with DP for nearly 30 years and he's always been prone to long lasting horrible moods, I've just learned to live with them. He's also been a heavy smoker for most of his life and gave up about 5 weeks ago (he hasn't told me this and I haven't mentioned it because he's done really well..). Tbh I know he's a narcissist but I've learned to just get on with life and ignore him - when he's in a good mood he's alright.

Anyway, he's recently decided he really wanted to go on a cruise so we're going on a short, 7 day, ridiculously expensive one very soon. When we booked it he was full of enthusiasm but now he won't even talk about it. For the past few weeks he hasn't really spoken to me at all and if I try to talk to him he either stares at the TV and ignores me or grunts one word answers. The only time he initiates conversation is if his computer needs fixing or if he's found something he can complain about - this is not unusual behaviour and not all down to not smoking.

Under normal circumstances this wouldn't really bother me, even if we were going on a regular holiday it wouldn't bother me much, but a cruise is going to mean close proximity to other people and he can make everyone very uncomfortable if he wants to. He knows that I never upset people unnecessarily, and am always nice unless given good reason not to be, so he's not above being borderline rude to people if he's trying to make me feel awkward.

So, AIBU to hope that bloody volcano in Iceland would hurry up and erupt so we won't be able to fly out to get the ship?

(Before anyone rips me about the disruption for everyone else on the planet.....I know! - it is a bit tongue in cheek!)

OP posts:
EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:47

This is what I love about MN. I actually feel so much better now, I was feeling a bit rough there for a bit! @NorthernRunner, I have wondered about depression, I did raise it once and suggested, nicely, that he might need to talk to the GP but he reacted quite badly so I've not mentioned it again. That sounds iffy but I must point out that he's never violent, I just mean that he got really upset and disappeared for a few days then refused to speak to me for several weeks..

OP posts:
coolmule · 24/09/2018 16:47

@Isnappedandfarted your user name just made me chuckle and reminded me of one of the most hilarious threads ever. Sorry Op, if i was you i’d still go and hopefully you’ll make some nice friends onboard and let the miserable sod stew in his own misery.

AwaywiththePharaohs · 24/09/2018 16:47

He does sound awful but quitting smoking can be utterly miserable for some folk. Could you get him to see the GP to suggest Nicotine Replacement for your trip? It might make him a bit more bearable to holiday with.

pallisers · 24/09/2018 16:50

That sounds iffy but I must point out that he's never violent, I just mean that he got really upset and disappeared for a few days then refused to speak to me for several weeks.. what happens to people that they think it is ok to live like this? tell him he better shape up or he is going on the cruise by himself. then let him off.

blackteasplease · 24/09/2018 16:51

I used to call my one of these a dementor too.

LydiaLunch7 · 24/09/2018 16:51

I was going to mention possible depression. Foul moods that last for weeks are not normal. If he won't seek help though and you admit you'd rather just live with it than LTB, then I would just suggest your periods of "living with it" involve something more than waiting around for his mood to improve. Go out without him, enjoy life, etc.

blackteasplease · 24/09/2018 16:52

I used to call my one of these a dementor too.

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 16:52

I'd love to go with a mate but the trouble is that he's paid for it...

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/09/2018 16:53

But, @AwaywiththePharaohs, the OP has said this behaviour is nothing new.

HollowTalk · 24/09/2018 16:54

OP, if you think of a life without him, what does it look like to you?

eelbecomingforyou · 24/09/2018 16:55

You have one precious, short life. What a waste. Your h sounds fucking dreadful.

Allineedyoutodois · 24/09/2018 16:58

There’s actually a lot to do on cruise ships, and lots of different areas, pools, spa, exercise areas, bars etc. Plus the off ship stuff. I’d let him stew and crack on with relaxing and enjoying yourself so much as you can. What would your life look like without him thigh, perhaps that’s something you should be thinking about.

TatianaLarina · 24/09/2018 17:00

I’d just ask him if his foul mood means he doesn’t want to go and that you’re happy to go with someone else if he wants to stay home. If he would be happier... alternatively just leave him in his cabin.

OliviaStabler · 24/09/2018 17:00

What are your dining plans?

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 17:01

@LydiaLunch7, that's something I do make sure of, I have a Very full and fun life outside of my relationship. Gigs, sometimes abroad, festivals, motor sport..... I always ask him to come but he always declines. He's usually quite perky for a few days when I get back!

OP posts:
Elephant14 · 24/09/2018 17:01

I've been married 30 years and am planning to LTB in the next few months I have seen a solicitor and am having to save a certain amount which is tough. I still have children at home as well. I can imagine how you feel about "settling" for what you have now at what I assume is our age, I am mid 50s he is early 60s and I often feel scared at what the future holds without being part of a pair, however dysfunctional.

Sparkletastic · 24/09/2018 17:03

Tell him to take a friend on the cruise.

EstuaryBird · 24/09/2018 17:10

@Elephant14, I'm a little older than you, I really admire you taking it on. You are right of course, it is the sensible thing to do. I should seriously think about what it will feel like and make plans. @Sparkletastic, he hasn't got any! Lots of acquaintances but no real friends, he keeps people at a distance...

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 24/09/2018 17:10

So you are staying with a man you refused to marry! Can you send him an email or text giving him an ultimatum? Either he calms down and acts like a gentleman or he can stay at home. I could not be with a person like this. It would trash my mental health. You must be very robust.

AlmaGeddon · 24/09/2018 17:11

I know so many grumpy old men- pleasant if they choose to be. It's a nightmare, I suspect I'd be better in my own.

cestlavielife · 24/09/2018 17:16

Move out after the cruise and live your life you have nothing to lose . Who owns your house?

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 24/09/2018 17:18

You hold the upper hand here.......if I were you i'd inform him that you arent going with such an embarrasment of a man then skulk off for a few days to gather your thoughts !

YouTheCat · 24/09/2018 17:19

There will be activities and all sorts of things to do on a cruise. Sign yourself up for them and leave him to fester like the miserable twat he is.

boilingstormyseas · 24/09/2018 17:21

I've had a number of incidents like this - married 25 years. I've had enough of tiptoeing around a grumpy old man who thinks nothing of spoiling things for me. So I've taken a strident, direct line which seems to be working. I'd tell your DP that you're not going on the cruise with him as you don't want to spend a week with such an unpleasant travelling companion. Either that or tell him he should stay at home as he's so miserable and that you're going on the cruise by yourself and have some fun. Don't put up with it. Life is too short!

Cornishclio · 24/09/2018 17:23

There will be lots of things you can do on a cruise without him if he is being a misery guts. Let him wallow. I would not let him spoil your holiday. Have a rethink whether you wish to stay with this sulky man child when you return. Would you be able to support yourself financially or do you depend on him? That would be my worst nightmare. Being stuck with a misery guts because I could not afford to leave him.

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