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AIBU?

How to get over things

58 replies

Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 11:38

About 6 weeks ago I ended it with DP. Rightly as well. He'd been messaging other women, using me and taking advantage, and honestly I don't know why I'd allowed it to get to two years.

Roll forward to now. He's begging for another chance, says he will change, and I haven't given him the chance to show that he can. Part of me misses him (it wasn't all shit) and the cynical part of me thinks, he misses his meal ticket, and wants his easy life back.

I'm at a complete loss what to do. I still feel so disrespected by the way he behaved. But DS misses him, and we did have some great memories in with the not so. A "final chance" wouldn't be totally out of the question, but how have those of you who have given another chance, genuinely done so.

It's not that I feel like I'm harbouring a grudge. But he's been an absolute shit and I can't just forget it. How do I move forward and show some forgiveness... There's no point offering a chance if I'm not going to be receptive to anything. And I'd like to be.

(going to add a big drip feed about Christmas in a mo, very relevant, just didn't want OP to be pages long)

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Claw001 · 24/09/2018 11:43

Personally I wouldn’t bother with another chance.

If you feel you have been a meal ticket, chances are you more than likely are. Typical, to tell you what you want to hear, after the fact, to get his benefits back.

I’m sure your ds won’t miss his mum being taking for a ride. Be strong.

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Aprilshowersnowastorm · 24/09/2018 11:44

The better men don't cheat on the first chance.
Hang fire til you find one of those...

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TheOneWith · 24/09/2018 11:44

Personally I wouldn’t bother. If you feel you were a meal ticket then you’re probably right.

But if I was considering taking him back I’d want a full bullet point list of what exact actions he intends to take as part of this miraculous change.

For me that list would need to include allowing full open access to his phone and email, and details about how he will contribute toward finances, household chores, etc.

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cleopatracomingatya · 24/09/2018 11:48

no chance for me, sorry, once a cheater always a cheater. He may swear on his mother sister fathers grave but all it takes is one bad argument down the line between you two, for him to run away and seek attention from another woman again.

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Ragwort · 24/09/2018 11:49

Don't go back, he has treated you with disrespect, messaged other women (thereby treating them with disrespect), surely better to be on your own than with someone who treats you like that?

In almost all cases where someone 'takes the other person back' it goes wrong, I am speaking from personal experience as well Sad.

And what message is it giving to your own DS about how men treat women?

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Singlenotsingle · 24/09/2018 11:49

Tell him he can date you, for as long as it takes. Treat you like a lady, woo you, fight for you... NOT live with you! Tbh, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, but if you want to give him another chance make him work for it.

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Insertquirkyname · 24/09/2018 11:51

I’ve been in a similar situation, I decided that I wouldn’t be able to move on as much as I’d have liked to. I had never kept tabs on him during our marriage and decided I never wanted to. I didn’t want to be the person that checked his phone secretly or worried every time he had to work late or to throw it in his face every time we had a row.

I decided staying with him would make me a person I didn’t want to be so I stuck to my guns. He has been awful and not a man I recognise- stopped being a father entirely and tbh our life is really fucking hard now. But that’s not because I ended it, that’s because he chose to be an arsehole and not pay maintenance or see the kids.
If he had have done the right thing during our divorce we would have all got through it relatively unscathed.

Although things are hard I still wouldn’t want the alternative of staying with him.

Sorry, I know you were asking for advice on how to forgive, I think it’s as simple as your mind either let’s you forgive or it doesn’t. You just have to work out if you live with the outcome it has on your personality or marriage.

We did counselling in the early years and the outcome was still the same- much easier to craft a new life now than what another 10 years.
Thinking of you, whatever path you take will be right for you.

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Seniorschoolmum · 24/09/2018 11:51

Nope, he’ll do it again. And your ds won’t cope well with the inevitable rerun.

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Sparklesocks · 24/09/2018 11:59

You have to ask yourself, now the trust has been broken – how will life be if you reconciled?
Everytime his phone buzzed, would you tense up and wonder who it is?
If he was scrolling on his phone would you be thinking he’s on dating apps or texting someone else?
If he was working late, or out with friends, would you worry he was meeting another woman?

It’s no way to live and would drive you mad.

If you think you could move on and begin to trust again though I would suggest couples counselling to help you. If he’s not receptive to counselling then that might suggest he’s not willing to learn and move forward.

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Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 12:03

So Christmas. I'm obsessed. Thirty seconds in my company and anyone would realise.
Start shopping in August, make my own garlands, have hosted Christmas day for whole family since 18. Now 36. I love it. Love it so much. Have taken DS to Lapland, take classes in Christmas crafts, go Carol singing, the Christmas markets, decorate every room, you get the jist how much it means to me.

So, our "first Christmas" we spent separately as he behaved in such an emotionally abusive way, I totally backed away. He ruined the day, and it's the most important day of the year for me.

Ruining our first Christmas, is huge for me. We can't ever get that back. And he tries to apportion the blame on me for it, which makes my blood boil, as I actually bent over backwards for him, and then threw it in my face that I wouldn't do more. I can drip feed details if anyone thinks it's required/relevant.

Our second Christmas, I wouldn't let him stay. I wasn't going to allow him to ruin such an important time again. It still felt horrible, a huge part of it for me is being with those I love and seeing how happy they are, and it feels awful not to have a DP there. I just feel so aware of the absence all day.

My first thought when he asked for another chance, was how I'm already in the full swing of Christmas prep, this is when I'm at my happiest, and I associate him with ruining that.

It's pointless getting back together with someone that I feel I can't share my Christmases with. He still accepts no responsibility for ruining our first Christmas. How do I move past this in particular?

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MereDintofPandiculation · 24/09/2018 12:10

How do I move past this in particular? Why do you want to?

the first question to answer is whether you actually want him back, what he gives you that your couldn't find anywhere else. Only then is it worth worrying about "how".

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Mrsharrison · 24/09/2018 12:11

You need to view those two Christmases as summing up your whole relationship with this man.

You love Christmas, he knew that - he sabotaged Christmas. Do you see a pattern here?

This behaviour was done to keep you off balance. And it worked.

I'm interested in his poncing off you. How bad was it? And do you think you were put on this earth to subsidise ponces like him?

Tell him to do one.

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Claw001 · 24/09/2018 12:12

Your OP says you spilt up 6 weeks ago. Update says you split at Christmas. You’ve split up more than once?

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Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 12:12

For me that list would need to include allowing full open access to his phone and email, and details about how he will contribute toward finances, household chores, etc.

Interesting. I think because he's given me reason not to trust a word he says, that I put little weight on the words "I'll change".

But having total transparency might make a difference. I wish it didn't have to be that way though. I never thought in a million years I'd be "that" woman, having access to someone's phone. Really sits against the grain for me.

I'd definitely insist on bills being put in his name though. He's paying his way, 50% minimum before anything else would be remotely considered.

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Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 12:15

@Claw001

Our first Christmas would have been three years ago this December. I pulled away after what he did over that period, but we didn't split completely.

We split, as in total finishing, 6 weeks ago.

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Claw001 · 24/09/2018 12:20

I was getting more at the fact it’s been rocky. If he has been emotionally abusive, treats you like a meal ticket, I don’t know why you would want to give him another chance. Sounds like he has had 3 years of chances!

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Omeletteandbeans · 24/09/2018 12:21

If forgiveness is important to you, it's possible to do that without actually taking him back. Such as, you can accept that he didn't do the things he's done out of malice (if that's the case...) But simultaneously your and his priorities are too different and so you can't be in a relationship with him.

(For priorities, read basic respect, monogamy, and a willingness to pay one's own way. Is he really capable of changing three massive things like that about himself in a timescale that won't make you miserable waiting for the change to be complete?)

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Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 12:27

He's claiming (and I do know this could quite happily be a load of balls) that he didn't realise just how bad he was.

During the relationship, I was rarely considered, accused of over reacting, blamed as the reason he acted up.

Since separating, he says he sees know that he has been a c*nt (his words) and can't work out how I stayed for that long either. He's begging for the opportunity to make things right, on the basis that he hadn't before because he couldn't see it until now.

Whether I believe that, is another thing. But that's what he's saying.

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Claw001 · 24/09/2018 12:31

Funny it’s taken his meal ticket, emotional punch bag, cheating ways to be taken away for him realise. Seriously!

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Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 12:44

@Claw001 I know, I know.

He claims he didn't see it. His family have raised him to be like this. It's all a bit dysfunctional and never the blue eye boy's fault.

I think in the last few weeks, he's gone to rant about ridiculous, unreasonable me, to friends or colleagues, and probably been met with a lot of wide-eyed disbelief. Up until then, he'd just seen me as being dramatic and sensitive, and he really wasn't doing anything of consequence. His family certainly told him so.

Consulting people that aren't family members has probably slapped him around the face with perspective. I do think he's had quite a few pennies drop.

I'm still cynical about it. I still think, yeah, it's all bollocks he's just lonely and wants his easy life again. But I suppose if I say, right, before we even start with the emotional side, you will set up DDs to cover half the household bills. If I'm doing all the house work, then you cover all the garden and outside stuff. I've just paid for two years of nice meals out, we go out, you pay.

If I lay that down as a "before we even start" I can gage his reaction to that about how genuine he is.

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Mrsharrison · 24/09/2018 12:54

If he was under the age of 25 then yes I would see how he wouldn't realise how bad he was.
He may be telling the truth - he genuinely may not have realised. That would suggest he is basically a selfish person incapable of the empathy you require.

It's possible your rejection is the shock he needs to turn his attitudes around.
If you feel the good times outweigh the bad times with him, you could point out to him you are open to him proving himself to you but you make no promises to get back together.
Maybe a few months of studying him trying to butter you up will give you the answers you need.
Personally i think the first couple of years of a relationship are a bit magical and set the foundation for a long term committed relationship. And he's failed at this really badly.

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Claw001 · 24/09/2018 12:54

I think you also need to think about your ds and the impact of him, if things do not go right.

If he has been ranting to others about you. I doubt he would be giving your side of the story!

I think your it’s all bollox conclusion is probably the right one!

He will probably agree to anything you want, to get his foot back in the door!

During your 6 week split, did he even asked about your son? Or you? Or has it all been I miss you, i can see I’m wrong i x,y,z?

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Mrsharrison · 24/09/2018 12:57

Two years of nice meals paid by you?

Come on love, don't be the mug that he thinks you are.

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Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2018 13:02

Please take the blinders off. It's staggering that you are even considering giving this gaslighting, disrespectful, woman-chasing prick another chance. Exactly how much of your life are you willing to waste on him? Isn't nearly 3 years enough?

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teaandtoast · 24/09/2018 13:03

Why not see how you feel after Christmas. Is that too long to wait? Then you can have a wonderful, unspoiled Christmas after 2 poor ones.
And you'll have had chance to experience life again without him and really see how you feel about him.

At the moment, I suppose, you're just missing the familiar situation, as much as anything.

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