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Original poster

How to get over things

58 replies

Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 11:38

About 6 weeks ago I ended it with DP. Rightly as well. He'd been messaging other women, using me and taking advantage, and honestly I don't know why I'd allowed it to get to two years.

Roll forward to now. He's begging for another chance, says he will change, and I haven't given him the chance to show that he can. Part of me misses him (it wasn't all shit) and the cynical part of me thinks, he misses his meal ticket, and wants his easy life back.

I'm at a complete loss what to do. I still feel so disrespected by the way he behaved. But DS misses him, and we did have some great memories in with the not so. A "final chance" wouldn't be totally out of the question, but how have those of you who have given another chance, genuinely done so.

It's not that I feel like I'm harbouring a grudge. But he's been an absolute shit and I can't just forget it. How do I move forward and show some forgiveness... There's no point offering a chance if I'm not going to be receptive to anything. And I'd like to be.

(going to add a big drip feed about Christmas in a mo, very relevant, just didn't want OP to be pages long)

OP posts:
Holidayfromreal · 24/09/2018 13:11

So he's pretty much been a dick from the start. And now you've finally stood up and said I won't be taken for a ride anymore he comes back begging? Been there done that bought the t-shirt. I think there is very little chance of things changing long term.

I'm sure he is Sorry, sorry he fucked it up, sorry no one is washing his clothes or listening to him whinge or cooking his tea. I don't think hes sorry for what he did.l or he wouldn't have repeatedly done it. Don't let him back in your life your son will learn a lot more for you being strong and having self respect than he will from a cheeky count.

Instead hope that he takes this and learns and treats the next women better but the fact he has disrespected you repeatedly means he has no respect for you and I don't think that can change this late in the game.

Original poster
Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 13:14

I don't know what gaslight means? Confused

All the meal ticket related stuff, I'm OK with addressing, I think. That's quite black and white. I feel quite resilient and in a good place, and very capable of a direct "pay your way, or piss off". It's something quite cut and dry that I don't feel any emotion with.

It's the stuff where he's acted like a grade A prick towards me, made it my fault, refused to be accountable, repeated this behaviour.

After two years of showing no remorse, it's really a struggle to hear him apologise now. I think how can you honestly mean that, after the indignation you've shown.

Yes, I do believe he's had a lot of his friends say "mate, wtf, that's you, not her!" and it's come as a big shock as he's always felt faultless.

I don't want to kid myself, but I don't want to always wonder what if.

OP posts:
Claw001 · 24/09/2018 13:15

It’s like you are trying to convince yourself of something you already know is wrong.

Where did the you need to ‘forgive’ come from? You or him?

I can imagine the convo, yes I know I’ve been a and treated you badly. I promise it won’t happen again. I want to make it up to you, you just need to forgive me and give me a chance to prove myself?

Twotailed · 24/09/2018 13:15

It doesn’t sound like he deserves a second chance OP, I honestly think you’re well rid.

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 13:16

It's the stuff where he's acted like a grade A prick towards me, made it my fault, refused to be accountable, repeated this behaviour.

^^ that’s gaslighting

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 13:17

“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief”

Mrsharrison · 24/09/2018 13:24

Don't minimise the poncing. Sitting back and letting someone pay for your meals for 2 years is a conscious decision. It's getting one over you. He realised what he was doing. Of course he wants you back. You gave him the life of riley and he doesn't want to let that go. I've no doubt he will "behave" for a while but he will revert to type. You sound like his mummy.

Original poster
Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 13:27

The need to forgive. Well, maybe that's the wrong word, comes from me.

If I do entertain his "final chance" then I can only do so if I'm not still hung up on what he's done. Otherwise even with the best, genuine intentions, he's got no chance at all.

It's not a forgiveness thing, so much as, how do I genuinely move forward from feeling mistreated.

He says we'll never move forwards if I keep looking back, and whilst I do see the point there, I think that's very easy to say when you're not the one that's been on the receiving end of his behaviour for two years.

How do you stop looking back? Can you? Really?

OP posts:
minmooch · 24/09/2018 13:30

Your first Christmas was 3 years ago. Yet you say for the last two years he's shown no remorse etc.

To me that reads 2 of your 3 years together has been pretty shit.

Is he really worth it?

It should not be this hard.

You've done the hard bit by splitting with him. The reasons you split have not changed. He's had at least three years to be nice to you. Stand firm. Keep your bar raised high.

He's not sorry for the way he has treated you. It's more likely he's sorry you have finally pulled him up on his behaviour.

minmooch · 24/09/2018 13:32

He doesn't want you to look back because he doesn't want to be reminded that he's been a prick. He wants to pretend nothing has happened and move forward easily with no comeback on him.

Brakebackcyclebot · 24/09/2018 13:35

It's the stuff where he's acted like a grade A prick towards me, made it my fault, refused to be accountable, repeated this behaviour

This sums it up. Why would you want to be with a man who does this?

You've done the important bit now, and dumped him. Keep your nerve. Is this the sort of example of a man you want your DS to see? How will you feel if he behaves like this towards his partners in the future? What would you advise a DD of yours in this relationship?

Stick to your guns. There will be a period of adjustment, where you mourn the relationship you thought you were getting, but didn't.

Storm4star · 24/09/2018 13:40

Do you have children together? Sounds like maybe not? In which case I would say do not waste any more of your life on this man. I'm not saying my answer would be different if you did have children, more that I can see why maybe you would be more reluctant to let the relationship go.

So far it's been 3 years. That isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things. Do you want to stay tied to him for 10 years? 20 years? And see his behaviour revert back again, and again? People like that don't change. Oh they may say they will, they may even mean it, but it doesn't stick. People do not change for other people. Never. Sometimes they change things for themselves but it's for their own reasons, not someone else.

What he is really asking you is "will you be a mug one more time?" Because then he will just do a much better job of hiding the things he doesn't want you to see and pretending that he's changed when he hasn't. He thinks he can fool you better if you give him one more chance!

You've made the break, don't go backwards because it will be harder next time. Move forwards without him.

Original poster
Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 13:40

It's been two years... Got together end of July 2016.

He was an absolute arse Christmas 2016. Couldn't bear to have him do the same Christmas 2017.

Split Aug 2018, a month over 2yrs, so this Christmas 2018 would be Christmas number 3 coming up.

The first year he was unemployed. I accepted the "poncing" as it was my choice to allow it. I've never asked him to make up for that first year shortfall. Yr 2 he began getting contracts again, but didn't volunteer any contributions to household bills which I mentioned and he said he would but never did. He got his first big contract 3mths ago.

OP posts:
Claw001 · 24/09/2018 13:47

He might have used the exact word, but he planted the seed “we'll never move forwards if I keep looking back”

He is manipulating you OP. Its probably up there in top ten of phrases manipulators say. Along with ‘you’re too over sensitive’ ‘you overthink things’ ‘you misunderstand me’ etc, etc.

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 13:58

So the relationship won’t work if you keep looking back* is code for I am planning on doing exactly the same thing, but you cannot mention I’ve done it several times before. Clean slate, pretend it’s the first time!!

What he should say ‘the relationship won’t work if I continue to do what I do’

Singlenotsingle · 24/09/2018 14:07

Ah well. Just a waste of space!

dancingintherain1111 · 24/09/2018 14:08

I think the best / easiest way of getting over all this upset is by seeing him as little as possible / not seeing him at all.

I know it is tough - going through the same thing at the moment but from your posts - this was not a good relationship - you need to walk away and I believe walking away will trigger you beginning to get over it all.

Don't give this guy another chance, he's had loads, he's not going to change - change your life for the better & place him absolutely in your past.

loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo · 24/09/2018 14:16

Nope it will never be a good relationship as the trust is gone. Move on

Original poster
Courtney555 · 24/09/2018 14:17

This is all a bit sad. Realistic, but still sad.

I can't see a way of writing off the majority of the last two years, and when no one thinks it's a good idea to even consider one last chance...

May be he's just caught me at a time when I'm feeling a bit more susceptible than I thought.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 24/09/2018 14:21

He still accepts no responsibility for ruining our first Christmas. How do I move past this in particular?

By realising that he's a twat who ruins things and doesn't take responsibility for his actions and that you've dodged a bullet. Win win for you that he's gone.

bubbles108 · 24/09/2018 14:23

I can't see a way of writing off the majority of the last two years, and when no one thinks it's a good idea to even consider one last chance...

It's a lesson for you. A wonderful lesson. Don't write the last two years off. Learn from them and don't date another man who ruins your life for most of the time. The universe is showing you who you can be without him! Perfect.

Claw001 · 24/09/2018 14:23

It’s your choice OP. It appears you cannot trust him in all senses of the word. You don’t trust him with your feelings, you don’t trust him not repeat his behaviour.

It’s not forgiveness you need, it’s trust. How is he going to regain your trust?

MonkeysMummy17 · 24/09/2018 14:27

OP you've already sunk 2 years of your life with him, fallacy of sunk costs makes you want to see if it isn't worth trying again so the last 2 years weren't a waste.
The reality is that he will get his feet back under the table, and then carry on as he was and drive you crazy with wondering what he's up to and with whom. It'll be your fault for not moving on, it'll be you who is causing arguments by not believing him, and it'll be you who in another year or two will be worn down and fed up of his tripe.

Give yourself and your son the chance you both deserve - you don't need this man to be happy, he's shown you that already. Don't waste any more time on him.

Doingreat · 24/09/2018 14:34

Don't take him back op. It's exhausting just listening to the list if crap he's put you through. Get counselling for yourself instead to work out why you let him stay in your life for that long. Are you a people pleaser?

ChristmasFluff · 24/09/2018 14:44

You will not be able to let go of it, because this 'not letting go' is your inner being screaming with all her might to you to NOT get back together with this man.

He didn't need his friends to tell him he was unreasonable, he knew it all along. Because you will have been upset, and people who love other people don't like to upset them.

But manipulators and users? They don't give a shit so long as they get to continue manipulating and using. This 'remorse' is just that - manipulation.

Please, do not take him back. Have a lovely Christmas without him.