How to get over things

[Courtney555]

About 6 weeks ago I ended it with DP. Rightly as well. He'd been messaging other women, using me and taking advantage, and honestly I don't know why I'd allowed it to get to two years.

Roll forward to now. He's begging for another chance, says he will change, and I haven't given him the chance to show that he can. Part of me misses him (it wasn't all shit) and the cynical part of me thinks, he misses his meal ticket, and wants his easy life back.

I'm at a complete loss what to do. I still feel so disrespected by the way he behaved. But DS misses him, and we did have some great memories in with the not so. A "final chance" wouldn't be totally out of the question, but how have those of you who have given another chance, genuinely done so.

It's not that I feel like I'm harbouring a grudge. But he's been an absolute shit and I can't just forget it. How do I move forward and show some forgiveness... There's no point offering a chance if I'm not going to be receptive to anything. And I'd like to be.

(going to add a big drip feed about Christmas in a mo, very relevant, just didn't want OP to be pages long)

It sounds like he's doing a very good job of confusing and gaslighting you.

He has examined his past behaviour and found that it was other people's fault. He takes no responsibility for messing with your head because it was the way he was brought up to behave. Yeah right.

I bet he's always got someone else to blame for his infidelity, his lies, his disruptive and cruel behaviour around Christmas, and so on. .

You sound as though you are going to give him a second chance - but with some conditions. May I suggest one way to test whether this is the right decision for you and your child?

Postpone making a decision.

Just because he's making all the moves to get back doesn't mean that he controls your timetable. It's so soon after breaking up and you're in the middle of readjusting and rebuilding - the last thing that you want is to be rushed and emotionally manipulated back into a risky relationship. Just tell him that.

And yes there were good times of course. You're remembering those times and you want them back.
But you pay a high price for them.
You are allowed to mourn the end of this toxic relationship so do that. It will be hard but you can get over him quicker by going no contact and sticking to it.

This man is not your friend.

Please, please don't get back with this man, from what you have written here you have been more than generous to him already in giving him numerous chances after he has treated you so badly. You need to focus on your own self esteem, you don't need a man in your life, focus on your child and enjoying your Christmas preparations.

I got told to work on my self esteem by one of my best friends today. How exactly do you do that? Any suggestions where to start?...

First of all you sound lovely. Kind, generous, thoughtful, fun to be around. That's a start.

Good luck OP

Being assertive is a good way to help self esteem. You’ve done that already, by not going back!

It sounds to me like you are already on the path to building your self esteem.

You took a pretty momentous decision back in August. That was the start of it. You've started to wobble because he is pressing you (well he would, wouldn't he - he's got everything to gain and nothing to lose). You know that your self esteem is going to hit rock bottom if you capitulate, don't you? You know that the promises of good behaviour are just a tactic to make you wobble and doubt yourself.

Focus on where you want to be in two years time. Focus on what YOU need from a relationship. Give yourself a for recognising that you don't need a liar, a sponger, a kill-joy and a manipulator. You've got this far and things will get better once you've regained your confidence.

He doesnt think you have him a chance? Seriously? Is he so thick skinned he honestly believes that you can just forget the disrespect he showed you and your relationship?
No. Not so fast buddy.
He needs to woo you again, to start again to win you over. He needs to earn your trust and respect before you let him back into your home and properly into your life. You will not stop him taking his child out or spending time with him on his own. You do not need to be there. Please do not let your son's feelings push you back into this relationship. If you are going to let him try again, make him work for it. If you do not want him there to ruin your Christmas then either do not invite him or invite him for the afternoon until teatime then off he jolly well pops.he has to be reminded that your life does not revolve around him.