Carrots

[Dottysmum18]

My partner and I haven't spoken all day now, can you please enlighten me to if this is my fault.
Back story together 8 years 2 DC DS 7 DD 3 months
Yesterday i was up at 7 with kids DP was asleep on sofa ( bad back ) till 10:30 then went out to get himself breakfast was gone an hour and a half .
I wanted to cook roast dinner realised that i didn't have potatoes, was gonna walk to Tescos to get some but DP went into garden and dug some up for me. Before he went to breakfast , he also dug up some carrots.
Baby went down for nap so did all prep while she was down to make it easier later, peeled potato made stuffing and Yorkshire batter.
Now to the argument the carrots as they are home grown obviously at different sizes, so I cut tops and tails off and cut the big ones in half left smaller ones whole so cooked at same time.
DP come back from leisurely breakfast and sees carrots. Says I have "ucked them up , why have I cut them , home grown should have the tops on and left whole , why the duck does he have to teach me these things." I said nothing really as no point engaging in it.
The then comes into the front room and starts again . I said "I dont want to hear any more about the carrots and if he doesn't want them them don't eat them" . He them says "that's is your answer to everything if I don't like it them I can jog on and im getting sick of it" I didn't engage once again and went into kitchen and pack up all prepped food and placed it into fridge. Cooked that day for DS offered DP food and tea numerous times always no and other then that havnt spoken other then another incident over weaning as I said u can warm from 4 months but I wanted to wait till 6 to do BWL as you go straight onto "real food " cue DP argument that puree is " real food" I said yes that's not what I meant but didn't engage further as he was just looking for a fight so I went silent he gets annoyed " once again someone tries to teach you something and you don't like it "
So the bloke who has never changed his daughter nappy or bathed either of his children ever is gonna teach me about weaning when I am a mother and early years educator
Am I the wrong for cutting the carrots ??
Realised this is very long so my apologies.

He sounds worse with each update but as you cant imagine your life without him then why are you complaining if you're willing to accept it?

If your daughter was with someone like him would you genuinely be happy for her? If not then think of the example you are setting as to what is normal.

His bad points sound really bad so I can't imagine what redeeming qualities he has.

Breakfast in a box? Ate in a car, in a local park, on his own..... Freakin weirdo.

He’s abusive and I feel so sorry that you are being treated and spoken to like that.

For the record I dug up carrots yesterday for our roast and prepped them exactly like you did. They were perfect and all 5 adults who ate them commented on how great they were.

He's just trying to find excuses to get away from any family obligations.

He takes an hour and a half to sit in a car eating breakfast alone. After having spent half the day asleep on the sofa. I despair when I hear people putting up with behaviour like this. Your kids will not thank you for it.

@SilverLining10 your quite right I always had the motto if you are willing to accept then say nothing so I shouldnt be moaning if I'm not going to fix it

No solids before 6m is so baby's gut flora can develop properly. More for BF babies though - as formula fed babies will have an altered flora anyway.

Does he do anything with the kids, OP? Does he take them out? Play with them? Read to them?
Or are they just his housemates?

@AlphaBravo I wasn't aware that bf babies required longer the research I looked at said gut flora was the same between bf and ff by 10 weeks . Interesting I will look further into it thank you.
@Sparklesocks he is more involved with our son now they do projects together (simple carpentry)and play together but I would say until he was 4 he wasn't involved with his day to day care , but I never demanded it if him , so who is really at fault. I may have to abandon this thread as it has shown me how stupid I have been

Hi OP please read this

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

The constant criticism and refusal to listen to your point of view is controlling behaviour. As is a couple of other things like not allowing you free time.

I mean really? The shape of carrots!? I do most of the cooking in our house (I love it, husband hates it) and I'm fine if he tells me he prefers one thing or another, everyone is allowed an opinion or preference but criticising someone is not on when they have made the effort to cook for you when the baby is asleep and they are relaxing. My husband thanks me for every meal I cook and looks after the kids while I get on with it, as it means he is getting out of a job he hates. Even if it was his pride and joy that he's spent ages growing and they've won prizes, he should mention how he'd like them cooked or cook them himself. Also your reasoning on why you cooked them like that was 100pc logical.

It really sounds as though he is picking on small things unnecessarily and blowing them out of proportion. It sounds like he doesn't think you should be allowed an opinion, or at the very least that yours carries more weight. He knows you are more clever and has to try and find ridiculous things to pick at to undermine you and bring you down and in his opinion, make you more equal

You have said a few times this is your fault because of how you've acted. It is not your fault. His behaviour is his alone to control. He was an adult when you met him, you couldn't have influenced him that much. You can control how you react to it. If you tell him how his comments made you feel and he doesn't explain or apologise then turns it back on you then he really is a shit. If you stay together your kids may grow up thinking it's normal a woman does everything around the house while the man does nothing and implies she is stupid and he knows best

This has fuck all to do with carrots.

@Itchytights I agree and will be looking at what to do next thank you all for your time replying to me I appreciate it and will be reporting this thread soon to have it removed but I value all comments x

Never changed a nappy bar one. Does this mean you have never had any time off for yourself away from the kids? Has he ever cooked a meal? Got up with the kids ever? Done anything nice for you?

You can't imagine life without him because you were practically a child when you met him and have known very little else

Please don’t feel stupid. I think most posters just really want you to know that it’s not you, it’s him.

I really feel for you OP. Yes you have partially contributed by enabling him but at the same time there's no excuse for him not ever contributing to family life or for not taking a hands on role with the DC.
I think you need to have an open conversation with him about how you feel taken for granted, and yes you've accepted the way things have been divided in the past but you are meant to be a partnership, supporting each other and splitting the load. It doesn't necessarily need to be a 50-50 split but there should be certain roles and duties you both perform so one of you isn't doing everything single handedly. At the very least you should be alternating lie-ins and changing nappies!
From how you've described him I expect he won't be particularly receptive but he's an adult! A father! He can't just sleep in all weekend and wander off to have a nice breakfast in the park while you are running everything back home. He's not 18, he has obligations and he owes his time to his family now. Not all of it, but more of it.
You deserve more, and better, and you need to start telling him.

”would say until he was 4 he wasn't involved with his day to day care , but I never demanded it if him , so who is really at fault. I may have to abandon this thread as it has shown me how stupid I have been” HIS behaviour is HIS responsibility. You should not have not to demand this of him.

You are in no way stupid. As women we are socialised to take on all the domestic work and please men. You are just starting to realise that society has sold you a big fat lie.

I definitely just want you to be happy and respected by those you live with.

Thanks everyone due to an unrelated matter I have just ended it with him. Thanks for the support

Definitely the right decision, maybe you should start a thread in relationships for some more support if you need it

Bless you, I hope life looks up

How can he dig up vegetables if he has a bad back?

I hope you're ok OP. It'll be tough but you and your kids are better off without him. If nothing else, you don't want to show your kids this is how you treat women.

Good luck with your new life you deserve better x

Good luck op 💐

Come back when your ready OP. You've gone from depending on him since you were a teen and not knowing how to cope to just ending it like that? It must have been something big to change your stance on him so quickly and I'd say you need support so he doesn't talk you round. Your children deserve you to be happy and healthy.

What an arsehole. You deserve better

I know what I would’ve done with the carrots