Carrots

[Dottysmum18]

My partner and I haven't spoken all day now, can you please enlighten me to if this is my fault.
Back story together 8 years 2 DC DS 7 DD 3 months
Yesterday i was up at 7 with kids DP was asleep on sofa ( bad back ) till 10:30 then went out to get himself breakfast was gone an hour and a half .
I wanted to cook roast dinner realised that i didn't have potatoes, was gonna walk to Tescos to get some but DP went into garden and dug some up for me. Before he went to breakfast , he also dug up some carrots.
Baby went down for nap so did all prep while she was down to make it easier later, peeled potato made stuffing and Yorkshire batter.
Now to the argument the carrots as they are home grown obviously at different sizes, so I cut tops and tails off and cut the big ones in half left smaller ones whole so cooked at same time.
DP come back from leisurely breakfast and sees carrots. Says I have "ucked them up , why have I cut them , home grown should have the tops on and left whole , why the duck does he have to teach me these things." I said nothing really as no point engaging in it.
The then comes into the front room and starts again . I said "I dont want to hear any more about the carrots and if he doesn't want them them don't eat them" . He them says "that's is your answer to everything if I don't like it them I can jog on and im getting sick of it" I didn't engage once again and went into kitchen and pack up all prepped food and placed it into fridge. Cooked that day for DS offered DP food and tea numerous times always no and other then that havnt spoken other then another incident over weaning as I said u can warm from 4 months but I wanted to wait till 6 to do BWL as you go straight onto "real food " cue DP argument that puree is " real food" I said yes that's not what I meant but didn't engage further as he was just looking for a fight so I went silent he gets annoyed " once again someone tries to teach you something and you don't like it "
So the bloke who has never changed his daughter nappy or bathed either of his children ever is gonna teach me about weaning when I am a mother and early years educator
Am I the wrong for cutting the carrots ??
Realised this is very long so my apologies.

Does he also lecture you on loading the dishwasher and your grandmother on sucking eggs?

This might be crossing a like but... You've been together 8 years and have a 7 year old. So you got pregnant almost as soon as you started dating?

That me a s you had a kid with him before either if you one each other all that well. Have you perhaps stayed together because it was "easier" after you had a kid? Because I honestly can't see why you'd choose to be together if this is typical of your interactions. You don't get it on. He's cruel and flippant. You seem disinterested and fed up. Was the second chip an attempt at repairing the relationship? Or were you happy for 7 years and now it's all gone bad because you're both tired with a new born?

*you don't get on it seems

He sounds like he’s not a member of your family really, doesn’t get up with the kids, sorts his own breakfast and has a jolly time out of the house doing it, doesn’t change nappies or bathe his kids, nags at you for cooking despite contributing FA to meals or appreciating the work that goes into them. And to top it all off, he treats you like a child who can’t grasp basic concepts and belittles you.
He has zero respect for you I’m afraid.

I got pregnant 2 months into our relationship I was 18 we didn't stay together because of the kids but definitely tried harder at staying together. Our last year has been very hard moving, medical issues and new baby with prenatal investigations and c-section but we are muddling through .

So he sleeps downstairs until 20:30 (do the rest of you have to tiptoe around?) Then he takes himself only for breakfast, comes back acts like an arse about carrots, and tries to have a definitive opinion on the weaning of a child whose nappy he sunny even change!! He is awful, please get yourself and your children out of there before they think it's ok to treat people that way

I would leave his meals for him to sort. Maybe move the sofa closer and closer to the front door too.....

So he has lie ins and goes out for breakfast most weekends? Does he ever look after the kids so you can have a bit of a break?

Was he also 18? It sounds to me like he’s still in that mindset. Almost as if he sees himself as a single man who happens to have a child, rather than being part of a family?

@BitchQueen90 No I asked for a lie-in for my birthday one year it never happened, have given up on that front . The funny ( or tragic) thing is 10:30 is quite early for him to get up the kids and I stay upstairs till he is awake Saturday he slept pretty much all day , he had driven back from work on the Thursday night from Scotland and arrived home on Friday morning so this was his reasoning but it happens often I would say 3/4 weekends a month.

@CoughLaughFart he was 20 , yes he does often do stuff that someone single would most of the time I don't mind it only bothers me when he then start critising something he has had no input in , because my thoughts are if you didn't contribute then don't moan and if you don't like it don't have it.

I stay upstairs till he is awake Saturday

Really? What do you do if you wake up before 10:30 and need a drink, or the children are hungry? What if they want to watch TV in their family living room on the sofa? You're enabling him to carry on with his bizarre behaviour by staying upstairs. If my DH was asleep on the sofa every weekend til 10:30, I'd be making as much noise as I could while preparing breakfast, making tea, putting the TV on, hoovering etc. He cannot expect you and his poor children to stay upstairs until he wakes. Bedrooms are for sleeping.

He sounds like a knob
Don't put up with this critical nasty sulky behaviour anymore

I know he is difficult and there are areas for improvement but I just feel no one is perfect including me I stayed with someone 11 years on the basis that "no-one is perfect", then moved on and found it was possible to get a whole lot closer to perfect!

This relationship needs to change. You cannot continue tiptoe-ing around him, remaining prisoner upstairs until he gets up, stifling your creativity because he believes there is only one way to cook anything.

The whole situation would ring alarm bells for me. Sleeping on the sofa, taking ages go go out and get himself breakfast, not helping out with kids and using shit excused to not change a nappy, being a general cockwomble by looking for an argument in everything (carrots).

You must surely know his behaviour is not ok and something needs to change?

So what exactly are his good points?

What!!!! Is he a Michelin star chef. Sounds like a prize knob.

He should be grateful your food is so organic and home cooked and not a pie chucked in from aldi ( that's what I use).

What a Dick. As others said. This isn't about the carrots.

Confining your children upstairs until he wakes up?!?!?
What sort of routine do they have with that nonsense? When do they get breakfast? When does their day actually start? That's no way for a child to live. Childhood down last long and they spend theirs sitting in their room until dad wakes up??

It's just so slovenly I can't even...

You're not 18 anymore. Think about your kids and their lifestyle instead of what that idiot needs.

my dm has the same opinion about home grown carrots with tops on.
i always take them off regardless but she would leave them on.
was he being wound up by your passiveness? I said nothing really as no point engaging in it.

perhaps he wanted a row? people do sometimes need a row to clear the air. why on earth is a sofa more comfortable for a bad back?

Our last year has been very hard moving, medical issues and new baby with prenatal investigations and c-section but we are muddling through.

NO. YOU ARE MUDDLING THROUGH.

You are responsible for everything while he bobs in and out whenever, sleeps all day while u sit upstairs trying to keep the children quiet so they don't wake him. Then he comes and lays down the law that you do this and that wrong. I'm just sorry you can't see this because you've grown to adulthood with this behaviour.

It's so Victorian, like a bed and breakfast without the breakfast!

Do you have equal access to finances OP?

Why have you got him? Think about recycling him. Soon.

he went out to get himself breakfast? what, from a cafe?
that doesnt sound very family minded.

@Fiffyshadesofgreymatter my son gets breakfast once he is up and dressed with his bed made I have a large bedroom, as does he with plenty of room to play and relax without being in bed . When it's a nice day he plays in the garden I go about my normal day ( I.e doing the washing making breakfast , tiding and taking the kids out) I just don't make a conscious effort to wake him. I would like to think that my son thinks of it a cosy relaxed weekends rather then dirty laziness.
@LittleBookofCalm yes he may be annoyed by me not engaging but what can be gained by it him shouting and still failing to understand my point I have tried that for years now I don't as there is really not reason to escalate the issue.

you need to teach him about baby led weaning and changing nappies op. he doesnt need to lay down the law.
have a conversation.
he drives long distances and then sleeps on the sofa? is that compatible with his spinal surgery?

tell him to prepare his precious carrots op!
ask him to cook the bloody pie!