MIL keeps interfering in my relationship

[lboogy]

Background
DH is one of 4 sons. His mum has always lamented not having a daughter and with the introduction of grandkids she's always felt she's in second place compared to the maternal grandparents.

All her sons live several hours away except for me and DH who live less than an hour away. She and DH have the closest relationship out of all her sons. He's not quite a mamas boy but he is very sensitive - much like her

before I got pregnant, MIL and I had a decent relationship, but over time I realised that all she does is bitch about her other other DILs and the fact that their mothers get to see the grandkids more than she does.

At first being nosey, i listened but always advised her to stay out of her son's relationship by not bringing up her gripes about her perceived unfairness of the maternal grandmothers having more visits than her. She's tried to form relationships with her DILs but they weren't particularly interested. And i suspect the reason is that she has verbal diarrhea, constantly repeats herself and gossips, so you end up moderating anything you say to her.

When I got pregnant she was super excited because we were less than an hour away and she assumed she'd be round all the time to see my DD. During my pregnancy my tolerance for her chit chat was greatly diminished.

I gave birth 2 months ago and in the first 2 weeks she was round every other day and baby blues made me hate her presence. But more than anything I wanted to establish that just because she doesnt have to drive for hours to see the baby, doesn't mean i want her round all the time. I explained this to DH and said I didnt even want my own parents round all the time either. After some time he seemed like he understood and asked his parents to give us space. Since the first 2 weeks, they have visited or we've gone to see them every week for a couple of hours.

DD has suddenly started cluster feeding at the most inconvenient times. Last week his parents came over and DD kept on wanting to feed. I didn't want to BF in front of them so took DD upstairs to give her a quick feed in the hopes that would settle her so I didn't end up keeping her upstairs for ages since I didn't want his parents to feel like they weren't welcome. They came to see her afterall. Unfortunately DD wouldn't settle with the short feeds and every time i gave her to MIL after a feed she would cry , so i took her off MIL to feed her. This happened about 3 times. At one point she said she was never able to BF her 4 sons.

In between DH said i should order takeaway from uber eats. While i was trying to work out what everyone wanted MIL was chatting away and at times would ask me questions which I didn't hear as I was concentrating on ordering food.

After we eat, DD wanted a feed again so I had to take her upstairs. FIL said they would go soon but I said I wont be long, I'll feed DD quickly and bring her back. But they said dont worry lets say goodbye now.

FFW to yesterday and my mum rings to say MIL rang to tell my mum to tell me ( i know it sounds ridiculous already) that I should try and feed DD for an hour and not do short feeds. She also complained that when I visit, i'm always looking at my phone and that she was upset that she tried to pass on toys and blankets that DH and his brothers used when they were babies but i said I didn't want them. DH didnt care about them and neither did i so yes i said i didn't want her musty things.

I was really angry with my mum for not shutting MIL down but more so angry that MIL felt it was her place to ring my mum and complain about me. I told DH how annoyed i was and he got really angry and said me and my mum were gossiping about his mum and along with a whole bunch of things said i've been niggly with his mum for ages and was rude to her when she came round and that me and my mum are acting like a pair of cunts. He then started crying which I was shocked by but since he called me and my mum cunts I wasn't prepared to hear anything else he has to say

Right now I just want a divorce. I'm fed up of his mum and her interfering ways and annoyed with DH for calling me a cunt. I never swear at him when we argue since I believe in being civil even when arguing, also it doesn't come naturally to me.

DH went to his parents house and told them everything, and his dad tried to call but i've blocked their numbers.

I wish DH had some friends to talk to other than his parents - he's been in the spare room all day, hasn't checked on the baby once and is clearly sitting alone depressed. I want to call his brother and ask him to offer DH support - but at the same time, they don't have a super close relationship. But I am worried that if he keeps letting his mum let her obsession with seeing DD and interfering in how she's raised will result in our separation and then he'll have no one when they inevitably die

Was I unreasable to be upset with his mum ringing my mum and what can i do going forward.

Bloody hell, your DH was way WAY out of order to call you a cunt. Jeez, I wouldn't put up with that. Likewise, if my mil phoned my mum to moan about me I'd be utterly livid!!

Your DH should be backing you up, not crying and calling you names. All I can suggest is to speak to DH when you're both calm and try to get your point across.

I know you're right, but since this happened just yesterday I'm still so angry I can't think straight

He was out of order. If anyone was gossiping, it was his mother. And if he can’t see that, he can stay at his parents!

He was out of order calling you that. He probably regrets it (hence the crying) but you need an apology for that first and foremost.

Secondly, he needs reminding that HIS mum involved YOUR mum. Which as you say is ridiculous in itself. He need to see that THIS is ridiculous and his mum is meddling. My goodness, you are both just starting to navigate your way in the sometimes very confusing journey of parenthood. Being a parent is hands down the most confusing time ever and I totally sympathise with the cluster feeding! It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of breast feeding your little one - pay no heed to "advice" you are spot on, carry on as you are!!

Personally, if he's prepared to apologise I would move on from this but he needs to accept him mum is the one in the wrong here. And tell him if he ever calls you or your mum a cunt again to be prepared for the consequences.

How dare MIL phone your mother to complain!! And how dare DH think you are in the wrong for telling him about it.

DH issue here is that he's not stepped up and is now in a position where he will either have to confront his mother or upset you. He's never been in that position before and can't handle it!

I'd give him space and let him sulk

Bloody hell. I'd tell him to go and stay at his mums until he grows up

Agree with GreenTulips. Congratulations on your new baby, it's certainly brought a lot of tensions to the surface.
Also sounds like your FIL is quite sensitive to the situation, he suggested they left, can you use him as a mediator? Can you suggest your FIL speak to DH?

Your husband needs to grow up QUICK or your marriage is in very serious trouble. If he doesn't have your back there's no hope. Sorry to be so negative, but it's true. A spouse's loyalty must always be with their partner, and especially when their parent is the one causing all the problems.

If I were you would:

• make it clear to my mother that she needs to shut MIL down if she tries on these antics again. Tell her you are X age and no longer a school girl who can get “into trouble “ by her. If MIL has any issues to be addressed then they should be addressed to you only.

• as PP suggested, leave DH to sulk.

• think VERY carefully about the future of this relationship. Part of this depends on his reaction post sulk

• if you stay together distance yourself from MIL. Put clear boundaries in place and accept she’ll gossip about how “unreasonable “ you are. Anyone worth bothering about will see her for what she is anyways.

Enjoy your baby and congratulations!

Yes I’d tell him to go to his mums. His very presence moping in the spare room would irritate me.

You need to set your stall out with mil as this is now your future. Distance yourself from her and tell her why, don’t allow her drag you in to drama

There is a saying on here that you should leave it to your dh to sort. Well I did that for eight years and I always gave in as I felt I was putting dh under pressure. I ended up going massively overboard with my mil after many years of taking her shit and I’ve well and truley burnt my bridges but I’m happy with that !

Fuck me you're dealing with all of this plus a cluster feeding baby?! Time to grey rock these adults, and that fucker in the spare room - I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms he's to fuck off to his mum's indefinitely.

Xx

Why the hell has your mil got your mum’s number? I don’t understand why this is so common!

First, your mum needs to not accept further calls from your mil. Duh, obvious.

Second, I’d be sending your not so dh off to his mummy’s until he realises that YOU are in charge of your baby, along with him, not his bloody mother.

Third, tell him to fuck off with his sulking, that’s his way of controlling you and he’s ducking out of parenting, absolutely not acceptable.

I would just say that I found my hormones made me really intolerant of my inlaws. They did irritate me A LOT by trying to take my firstborn out my arms etc, but I think on reflection hormones make some people hugely protective of their new family. They're meant to do that, so it's all fine and it does wear off. And eventually you'll be really grateful for having grandparents that love your child (even if you do still find them irritating!).

Thanks ladies. An apology is definitely needed , I won't entertain any type of conversation without one. Gaaahhh I'm still so steamed up about it all.

I don't understand why his mum thought it was a good idea to call my mum about her foolish complaint. They barely know each other! I also don't get why DH was more upset at the idea that me and my mum were saying bad things about his mum rather than being annoyed that his mum was interfering

I'm not sure I can stay married to such an emotional man. I honestly find it a huge turn off but then I focus on DH 's other qualities. However I'm seriously questioning if it's going to be enough for me to stay with him

I realise that this isn't what the thread is about, but something you also said really stood out:
In between DH said i should order takeaway from uber eats

Why you? Why not him? You gave birth two months ago and are bf. I kind of feel, small snippet though it might be, that it gives another insight into your relationship and how he treats you.

I agree with a lot of what pps have said, but I think it's likely that you have been having a bit of a vent to your dm about mil, and it can't be v pleasant for your dh to feel that the two of you are ganging up on his mother. You wouldn't like it, if dh and his mother were doing the same to your mother.

He didn't call you a cunt. He said you were behaving like cunts, which is different. See the Mumsnet guidelines. I also think you were a bit insensitive about turning down your dh's babyhood toys. She's kept them all these years, which shows how important they were to her and you were rude.

In your defence, you're postpartum and your emotions are all over the place. She was wrong to go behind your back and try to involve your dm.

They do seem to have taken on board the fact that you were feeling overwhelmed with daily visits - which she may have thought were helpful. And of course she was excited, when she feels excluded from her other gcs' lives.

You're going to have to get along, for your dh's and dd's sakes. You're understandably annoyed at the moment, but when you've calmed down I hope you'll both be able to understand each other's point of view.

It's early days. Better to try to play this down and blame it on your hormones than make it a big drama with blocking calls etc.

She sounds horrendous and I'm be extremely fucked off with DH for allowing her to treat you like this. You need to get tough with them and lay down the law here!

He is a mummy's boy, it's very unattractive. You aren't a substitute daughter for MIL who only has sons. She has no right to call your mum, her advice is shit and not welcome and your husband called you a cunt over it and cried.

Tell him to fuck off to mummys. I also thought that about the uber eats, did he lose the use of his arms and voice?

@MortyVicar - I only did the ordering because the app is on my phone and not his . If we order takeaway it's always me that does it

@Thymeout - I totally understand your response . I should explain that I asked DH if he wanted the things she wanted to pass on and he said he doesn't care either way. As far as I'm concerned if he doesn't care then why should I? I never told her I didn't want her things , I'm just writing misty on this board as I'm annoyed. In hindsight I should have just accepted it and put it in storage somewhere

I also don't see the difference between acting like cunts and being cunts. Either why, I wouldn't even call another woman a cunt as I find the worse so offensive so I just can't understand how DH even in anger could let the words come out of his mouth

Part of what's bothering me is that I feel like DH has promised them lots of access as he feels bad that because of distance they don't get to see their other grandkids as often. It's like DD has been offered to make up for the rest of the other grandkids which is a huge burden to know this. It makes me resentful especially when you consider DD is my parents only grandchild and they don't interfere or expect to be round all the time
I accept we will have to get on. As I'm bf I'm not willing to let DH take her away from me to busy his parents and I suspect they won't want to come here either so we'll be at an impasse for a while yet

Your child cannot be used as a bartering tool. She is not a commodity. Is he still skulking/sulking in the spare room?

@Maelstrop he's downstairs now that I've gone to bed. I'm just amazed he hasn't even wanted to check in on her the whole day

Your post really stayed with me @lboogy and I hope you're doing okay this week.

It wasn't an inconvenient time for your baby to cluster feed. It was an inconvenient time for your inlaws to visit. I'm not surprised you want to leave your H. He's spineless and calling you a cunt is awful. She involved your mother. I disagree that your FIL might meditate. He sounds like an enabler and so does your H. Can you go stay with your mum and give yourself and baby a break from all this nonsense?

You are the one out of line! There is no gray area here he called her and her mother a disgusting name and cried like a little child

You are in the early weeks of having your newborn. You don't need this stress. Hopefully, their obsession with you and DD will settle down.

Your mil is a busybody. But she's your DD's nan. Your DH was completely out of order for saying what he did.

I suggest you talk to him, first things first, needing an apology for what he said before you can move forward. Tell him you feel overwhelmed by mil.

I would think mil didn't ring your mum to shit stir, but her conversation ended up doing just that. She needs to learn to not interfere, you visiting for a couple of hours once a week is more than adequate.

Good luck op and congratulations on your baby daughter.