MIL keeps interfering in my relationship

[lboogy]

Background
DH is one of 4 sons. His mum has always lamented not having a daughter and with the introduction of grandkids she's always felt she's in second place compared to the maternal grandparents.

All her sons live several hours away except for me and DH who live less than an hour away. She and DH have the closest relationship out of all her sons. He's not quite a mamas boy but he is very sensitive - much like her

before I got pregnant, MIL and I had a decent relationship, but over time I realised that all she does is bitch about her other other DILs and the fact that their mothers get to see the grandkids more than she does.

At first being nosey, i listened but always advised her to stay out of her son's relationship by not bringing up her gripes about her perceived unfairness of the maternal grandmothers having more visits than her. She's tried to form relationships with her DILs but they weren't particularly interested. And i suspect the reason is that she has verbal diarrhea, constantly repeats herself and gossips, so you end up moderating anything you say to her.

When I got pregnant she was super excited because we were less than an hour away and she assumed she'd be round all the time to see my DD. During my pregnancy my tolerance for her chit chat was greatly diminished.

I gave birth 2 months ago and in the first 2 weeks she was round every other day and baby blues made me hate her presence. But more than anything I wanted to establish that just because she doesnt have to drive for hours to see the baby, doesn't mean i want her round all the time. I explained this to DH and said I didnt even want my own parents round all the time either. After some time he seemed like he understood and asked his parents to give us space. Since the first 2 weeks, they have visited or we've gone to see them every week for a couple of hours.

DD has suddenly started cluster feeding at the most inconvenient times. Last week his parents came over and DD kept on wanting to feed. I didn't want to BF in front of them so took DD upstairs to give her a quick feed in the hopes that would settle her so I didn't end up keeping her upstairs for ages since I didn't want his parents to feel like they weren't welcome. They came to see her afterall. Unfortunately DD wouldn't settle with the short feeds and every time i gave her to MIL after a feed she would cry , so i took her off MIL to feed her. This happened about 3 times. At one point she said she was never able to BF her 4 sons.

In between DH said i should order takeaway from uber eats. While i was trying to work out what everyone wanted MIL was chatting away and at times would ask me questions which I didn't hear as I was concentrating on ordering food.

After we eat, DD wanted a feed again so I had to take her upstairs. FIL said they would go soon but I said I wont be long, I'll feed DD quickly and bring her back. But they said dont worry lets say goodbye now.

FFW to yesterday and my mum rings to say MIL rang to tell my mum to tell me ( i know it sounds ridiculous already) that I should try and feed DD for an hour and not do short feeds. She also complained that when I visit, i'm always looking at my phone and that she was upset that she tried to pass on toys and blankets that DH and his brothers used when they were babies but i said I didn't want them. DH didnt care about them and neither did i so yes i said i didn't want her musty things.

I was really angry with my mum for not shutting MIL down but more so angry that MIL felt it was her place to ring my mum and complain about me. I told DH how annoyed i was and he got really angry and said me and my mum were gossiping about his mum and along with a whole bunch of things said i've been niggly with his mum for ages and was rude to her when she came round and that me and my mum are acting like a pair of cunts. He then started crying which I was shocked by but since he called me and my mum cunts I wasn't prepared to hear anything else he has to say

Right now I just want a divorce. I'm fed up of his mum and her interfering ways and annoyed with DH for calling me a cunt. I never swear at him when we argue since I believe in being civil even when arguing, also it doesn't come naturally to me.

DH went to his parents house and told them everything, and his dad tried to call but i've blocked their numbers.

I wish DH had some friends to talk to other than his parents - he's been in the spare room all day, hasn't checked on the baby once and is clearly sitting alone depressed. I want to call his brother and ask him to offer DH support - but at the same time, they don't have a super close relationship. But I am worried that if he keeps letting his mum let her obsession with seeing DD and interfering in how she's raised will result in our separation and then he'll have no one when they inevitably die

Was I unreasable to be upset with his mum ringing my mum and what can i do going forward.

This could all be part of adjustments for DH on becoming a father/adult - eg adjusting his priorities and relationships.

DH is your primary problem here.

Some red flags with him: has no friends, very “apron strings” relationship with his parents; does things that negatively affect you (prioritising his parents’ wishes) without your agreement and disregards your feelings about this; verbal abuse of you (hopefully a rare incident?); sulking and not parenting for a full day while sulking.

Blocking your ILs was OTT. Talk to them directly. The “boundaries” are pretty easy to establish. Eg that at present visits need to be X times a week (once?) pre-arranged, while DH is there, and relatively short. And that you don’t appreciate unsolicited comments about your parenting choices. If they don’t like it, tough!

Providing you were polite you did nothing wrong declining the baby items (as your SILs all did!)

Oh, and DH should get the take away app on his phone!

Urgh tell DH to cut the damn apron strings already. I have no time for this 'spare a thought for MiLs feelings' bullshit that seems to float around. Baby is still tiny, baby is still adjusting to the world & getting the hang of feeding & generally being here; baby's needs currently trump anybody else's wants or feelings. End of story. MiL has no place getting offended by you feeding on demand, that is your choice. She doesn't get to rock up & start dictating how you feed & when.

As for the heirlooms stuff why are you taking the flack for that?! If your DH has said he isn't bothered by precious family hand me downs then why the feck should you be?! I'd be redirecting that one!!

Don't let him turn this around on you, stand firm. MiL had no right to call your mum & whinge (altho my mum would have destroyed her the minute she started were that me) & hubby had no right to call you such awful names then cry like he was hard done by (blokes crying doesn't bother me at all, but making yourself the victim when you clearly aren't gets on my nerves). And absolutely don't hand baby over for him to meet Mil's whims if she is EBF, it could throw her feeding right off. She is the priority not 'poor hard done by' MiL

I agree your hormones are probably making you more sensitive and mil is over excited about having a new grandchild to the point of being a PIA.

No excuse for DH, he sounds a prat. Unacceptable name calling, not supporting you and expecting you to order takeaway whilst going up and down the stairs feeding.

Telling you MIl you didn't want the musty old things that held great sentimental value to her and she thought you would appreciate was very rude. You take them, be gracious then wash them and stick them in a cupboard or give them away.

I think your biggest problem is your husband's failure to transition from son to father. He either needs to accept it and start making it happen or you may need to accept that he will never be the husband and father you need him to be. It sounds over dramatic but checking out of his role as father of a newborn in order to sulk in the spare room and his failure to understand breastfeeding (wanting to take your daughter away without you) suggest that he hasn't yet understand what it means to be a family unit with you instead of being his mother's dutiful son.

Your mother in law is also a definite problem. I say this because even if you have been cold with her and even if you should have accepted your husband's baby things she'd saved, the lack of relationship with the rest of her family is a big red flag - I know because I've had the same thing. My mother in law's other three kids and stepdaughter can't stand her and want nothing to do with her. At first I felt sorry for her and tried to form a relationship but it didn't take too long for me to understand the reasons why she's so unpopular. When someone has a number of kids who all (and their wives/husbands) don't want to know her, there's a reason for it and it's not your job to try and make up for her years of shit parenting and it's probably best to keep your distance. However you may never get your husband to see this. Sorry.

She didn't tell MIL the things were musty, and the DH didn't accept them just as much if not more so than the OP didn't. Why does he bear no responsibility here? Is it perhaps because accepting gifts, managing relatives' expectations and dealing with baby stuff is wifework??

And 'becoming an adult' FFS he's 42!

Being 42 doesn’t mean he’s a functioning adult! As a PP says he apparently hasn’t transitioned from being his parents’ child to having an adult to adult relationship with them.

Why o n earth should the op apologise for not taking the unwanted heirlooms?! No thankyou. That's all.

The threat to take the 8 week old away is selfish ad childish. Massive mummys boy. Sorry I for even know where you begin. Mummy us more important than his wife or new baby. Very concerning.

Your DH called You and Your Mum WHAT

OP your husband is letting you down badly.You are tired and you need back up.Your baby is still tiny and for him to go to the spare room and not check his daughter all day is just unforgivable in my view.He is a father for heavens sake..sulking and tantrumming time is long over for him.He had better adapt and adapt quickly in my view.He has to decide he has not you where his priorities lie and fast.I would infact leave him to sulk...take your daughter and go stay with your mum for a few days ...let him and his bloody mother suck that up.Might make them re think their actions and how life would be without you and his daughter.,I think if you can remain calm not easy I know but state your case firmly.You need to get these first few stressful months out of the way and let thngs take there course,,babies are a huge adjustment for everyone.No doubt everyone loves your daughter but him and his mother have hugely overstepped the mark here and they do need reigning in...Best wishes sent to you,Kick his arse and take no shit from the inlaws,,,if you don't life will be horrid! It appears by this drama neither him or his mother have the best interests of your little girl at heart its all about them...well sadly they have come unstuck cos its not! Its all about whats best for your beautiful little girl and right now they are not it!!!

I agree with others that your DH hasn't made the transition to fatherhood yet - which can be tricky with a clusterfeading baby. Can you 'help' him with that OP? Maybe suggest some things that the three of you can do together so that he can get into active fatherhood a bit more? Something as simple as going for a walk in the park with him pushing the pram could make a difference to him. And it can be easier to talk if you are sat on a park bench with a coffee rather than cooped up.

Why are allowances made for blokes who haven't 'adjusted' to fatherhood yet, whilst some posters are telling OP she is hormonal & it is clouding her judgement?!

I couldn't accept ever being called a name like that by anyone.

Regardless of an apology I would have him packed off to his mothers so he can sit there and work out with her a way forward for all of you. He needs to draw some red lines with her, and you need some space to look after your baby the way you see fit. Can your Mum come and stay for a few days?

The vast majority of men make the transition to fatherhood without calling their partner a cunt.

I totally understand where you are coming from. The outlaws and there interfering nearly broke me and my OH up. When the grandchildren arrived I was clearly just a pod and irrelevant. They didn’t call my mum but my word they had the ear of there DS. Would take him aside to tell him our DD was obese and she needs her milk watered down, (8mths old), our DS who has allergies they said it wasn’t true it was clearly something I was doing and they would take him and sort him out, would walk round our house checking if it was clean, they would criticise my OH brothers wife as she didn’t keep her house clean ( she is a lawyer in a city bank and earns more than there darling DS) They didn’t say a word to me when I had a missed miscarriage at 22mths and went on to tell my OH that they didn’t think I wanted the baby anyway, my OH response was zilch and then went onto tell me that I should set up a weekly call with his DM, the list goes on and on. It caused mass arguments as my OH couldn’t see that he was not supporting me and his priority was always pleasing his parents. I was always the bad guy. He got there eventually and had to set boundaries but it put a strain on our relationship. It does sound like your MIL is focussing on your DD as she is the DD she didn’t have herself. My MIL did the same with mine....

Oh, god , you poor thing.

Your DH is out of order.

However, the road to this is Well trod.

It took me completely by surprise, a shock, actually, how much we were suddenly keyed into family relationships and visits as soon as our first was born. It was a huge ‘thing’ that my own lovely, not toxic or overbearing, mother kept coming to stay to spend time with her grandchild. I felt both claustrophobic AND curiously compelled to take my family role as mother, mother of grandchild.

Your DH has had years of listening to his mother’s expectations and hopes.

You are all fraught and under pressure.

His mother definitely should not have called your mother. Also your mother should have firmly put and end to that conversation and not passed it on. Your DH should have been more sensitive / perceptive in seeing what happened that afternoon.

He is now acting like a child, suloking abd shutting himself away. Shame, because the only way to deal with all this is to talk. Understabd how each are feeling under pressure. Work out how you two deal with the various pressures as a team and have each other’s backs.

Get a muslin square and bf anywhere you like, you will get better at feeling comfortable when out and about without giving extended views of your nipples. If you need to go upstairs with the baby, do so!

Get him to download the app!

We had some of our worst rows in the first child newborn phase, working out family boundaries and where we all fitted. You are in a time of change at exactly the time you are emotionally heightened (new baby), sleep deprived, run ragged, and hormonal.

Your DH is being very manipulative here:

• you and your mum are cunts for talking behind his mum’s back but ‘so what if she just wants to call your DM for a chat’ (where she slagged you off behind your back)

• using the ‘they’re old and could die any day’ line

• crying for no reason

Sort him out first. You’ve given birth and are EBF. You need a supportive spouse NOW. It’s not the end of the world for him to tell his mum that you are finding your way as parents and the best thing they can do is stop pressuring you. They have to understand that this is the short term ‘finding your feet’ stage of parenting and that if they want to be in it for the long haul, they’re massively fucking it up.

Feels very much like you are being treated like a baby factory that is now getting in the way of their DGD. I’d be fuming at that sort of treatment.

I have twins and they have a great relationship with their DGPs but only because my ILS offered support, encouragement and space (and a room to BF - sorry to the poster that suggested you should be out on full show )

Your MIL is not the most important person here and I’m sad that your DH isn’t even trying to appease or atone for his poor behaviour.

Your dh is the main problem here. My mil is horrible and interfering but my dh has shut her down every time which makes a difference.
Chances are his mum is telling him that she never said those things to your mum. He is believing her rather than you. He is sticking up for her rather than you. This is your problem, if he can't separate his life from his parents life then you are in for a long road.
And cluster feeding is normal and will change quickly so don't apologise for it or feel you should cut it short just to please visitors

He’s sulking like a little boy? And checking out of parenting his daughter because he feels hard done by? He’s a twat. And I’m that he called you and your mothrr by those names.

Was your marriage ok before you had the baby?

He said since his parents are old and may not be alive for long he wants to give them the thing that makes them happy.

But your daughter is a person, not a thing to make anyone happy. She is not a doll, or a happy pill.

@MrsStrowman

• no she doesn't know why I've distanced myself from her and the reason I have is that she slags off everyone she knows including her other DILs whenever I met with her. I distanced myself to set boundaries so that she wouldn't try and visit when DH was at work. She'd tried to come round When he was at work and that's when I told him I don't want to entertain her without him there. He was totally cool with that he made sure to not leave me alone with mil and moderate anything she said that was idiotic. He himself said she says stupid things and to ignore her. I think that's why he thinks I've blown things out of proportion because he thinks I know his mum says silly things regularly. He said I shouldn't have even raised the issue with the phone call to him at all

@Wonkypalmtree in the first 2 weeks she was coming round every other day. That's when I said to DH she needs to reduce her visits to once a week. It just so happened that she ended up not seeing dd for 3 weeks because she got ill and didn't want to come over to avoid dd getting ill as well

The more I think about all and I'm slowly calming down, I think I probably should call his mum and apologise for not taking her heirlooms. It's obviously upset her quite a bit and frankly I can understand that he doesn't want his mum upset. Yes he is a mummy's boy but no one wants their mum upset. When he gets back home I'll ask him how he wants to handle things going forward

But why should you pander to her over the 'heirlooms' when her own son wasn't even bothered about them?!

No, don’t apologise, jeez! So you’ve set boundaries, good.

Your H basically wants you to be passive and STFU or he’ll verbally abuse you? He needs to wake up!

You could possibly get round the 'heirloom problem' (if they're toys) by saying that it would be lovely for DGC to have them there to play with when she visits when she's older. That way, you are acknowledging the toys, but not allowing them into your home.
My MIL was similar (hoarded pretty much everything that ever crossed her threshold). This meant that the 'toys' that dd were given to play with were a box of broken, dirty shite! We used to take our own there, if we had to stay longer than an hour or so. I do remember one episode where she tried to foist the woollen blanket that her husband had used when he was a baby (so it was about 70 years old.... a strange matted, yellowy thing, almost unrecognisable as a wool blanket... i was so not going to use it anywhere near my precious new born. If i remember i think i thanked her for it, then 'accidentally' left it there.
My DH was a mummys boy that had never had to grow up. It's been hard, but i've used it as an exercise in working on my boundaries with her. From my experience, if you back down too much now, you will be making a rod for your own back in the future as he will take the path of least resistance and continue to pander to her as that dynamic is well established.

Just say you didn't realise they were as important to her as they are and that you imagine she must have felt the same when she received them from DHs grandparents. If she says she didn't receive them but bought them herself, ask why she can't allow your child the same courtesy as she gave her child in having new kit.