MIL keeps interfering in my relationship

[lboogy]

Background
DH is one of 4 sons. His mum has always lamented not having a daughter and with the introduction of grandkids she's always felt she's in second place compared to the maternal grandparents.

All her sons live several hours away except for me and DH who live less than an hour away. She and DH have the closest relationship out of all her sons. He's not quite a mamas boy but he is very sensitive - much like her

before I got pregnant, MIL and I had a decent relationship, but over time I realised that all she does is bitch about her other other DILs and the fact that their mothers get to see the grandkids more than she does.

At first being nosey, i listened but always advised her to stay out of her son's relationship by not bringing up her gripes about her perceived unfairness of the maternal grandmothers having more visits than her. She's tried to form relationships with her DILs but they weren't particularly interested. And i suspect the reason is that she has verbal diarrhea, constantly repeats herself and gossips, so you end up moderating anything you say to her.

When I got pregnant she was super excited because we were less than an hour away and she assumed she'd be round all the time to see my DD. During my pregnancy my tolerance for her chit chat was greatly diminished.

I gave birth 2 months ago and in the first 2 weeks she was round every other day and baby blues made me hate her presence. But more than anything I wanted to establish that just because she doesnt have to drive for hours to see the baby, doesn't mean i want her round all the time. I explained this to DH and said I didnt even want my own parents round all the time either. After some time he seemed like he understood and asked his parents to give us space. Since the first 2 weeks, they have visited or we've gone to see them every week for a couple of hours.

DD has suddenly started cluster feeding at the most inconvenient times. Last week his parents came over and DD kept on wanting to feed. I didn't want to BF in front of them so took DD upstairs to give her a quick feed in the hopes that would settle her so I didn't end up keeping her upstairs for ages since I didn't want his parents to feel like they weren't welcome. They came to see her afterall. Unfortunately DD wouldn't settle with the short feeds and every time i gave her to MIL after a feed she would cry , so i took her off MIL to feed her. This happened about 3 times. At one point she said she was never able to BF her 4 sons.

In between DH said i should order takeaway from uber eats. While i was trying to work out what everyone wanted MIL was chatting away and at times would ask me questions which I didn't hear as I was concentrating on ordering food.

After we eat, DD wanted a feed again so I had to take her upstairs. FIL said they would go soon but I said I wont be long, I'll feed DD quickly and bring her back. But they said dont worry lets say goodbye now.

FFW to yesterday and my mum rings to say MIL rang to tell my mum to tell me ( i know it sounds ridiculous already) that I should try and feed DD for an hour and not do short feeds. She also complained that when I visit, i'm always looking at my phone and that she was upset that she tried to pass on toys and blankets that DH and his brothers used when they were babies but i said I didn't want them. DH didnt care about them and neither did i so yes i said i didn't want her musty things.

I was really angry with my mum for not shutting MIL down but more so angry that MIL felt it was her place to ring my mum and complain about me. I told DH how annoyed i was and he got really angry and said me and my mum were gossiping about his mum and along with a whole bunch of things said i've been niggly with his mum for ages and was rude to her when she came round and that me and my mum are acting like a pair of cunts. He then started crying which I was shocked by but since he called me and my mum cunts I wasn't prepared to hear anything else he has to say

Right now I just want a divorce. I'm fed up of his mum and her interfering ways and annoyed with DH for calling me a cunt. I never swear at him when we argue since I believe in being civil even when arguing, also it doesn't come naturally to me.

DH went to his parents house and told them everything, and his dad tried to call but i've blocked their numbers.

I wish DH had some friends to talk to other than his parents - he's been in the spare room all day, hasn't checked on the baby once and is clearly sitting alone depressed. I want to call his brother and ask him to offer DH support - but at the same time, they don't have a super close relationship. But I am worried that if he keeps letting his mum let her obsession with seeing DD and interfering in how she's raised will result in our separation and then he'll have no one when they inevitably die

Was I unreasable to be upset with his mum ringing my mum and what can i do going forward.

Perhaps apologise to mil about the heirlooms but I wouldn’t be talking to dh until I had an apology for the cunts and a promise not to say anything stupid like he will take the baby (the in laws live about an hour away. I have a 4m ebf baby and would never spend more than 2 hours without being able to get back to baby in 15 /20 minutes. Absolutely taking an 8 week to visit is ‘taking the baby’ and saying I’ll divorce you first is a perfectly reasonable response to such threats. Baby would either have to be fed a bottle which Is obviously not the ops choice or get hungry and cry for food & comfort that wasn’t coming. If he is planning on doing that kind of thing then he’s no kind of father anyway and I couldn’t be with someone who can deprioritise their completely dependent infants welfare.

Your MIL sounds very much like mine tbh. Thankfully, we live a lot further away, so the problem I have has always been to do with the number of telephone calls. She calls my DM, too, and at one time used to call her a lot complaining about me not calling her. (She speaks a lot to my DH, so why do I need to call her??)

Our situation became harder, because my FIL died in a car crash early in our marriage, so my DH had to offer her a lot of support, because my BIL and SIL had recently had a baby. It was very hard, as I was supporting my DSis through a divorce following a violent relationship. It felt like DH and I had no time to talk. He swore at me once when I complained that he was talking to his DM more than to me. I know it was unkind, but it just came out. His swearing scares me, because of the DV my DSis has been through.

I've learnt to hold my tongue, and I tolerate MIL when she visits. She's a lovely Grandma, which does take some of the pressure off me. She's always tried too hard to have a mother-daughter relationship with me and I'd hurt that I don't; she even wanted me to call her Mum.

She also talks non stop, about her neighbours and elderly aunts who are long dead, or else about the war, she lived through the bombing raids.

DH and I have been married for 15 years, and we no longer argue about this. She calls us less often, though she still has the annoying habit of ringing over and over again until we answer. Invariably, we haven't answered because we're busy getting our DDs to bed and clearing up after our meal.

I don't moan nearly so much now. Partly because my DM is equally difficult and he tolerates her.

So, my advice would be to pick your battles. Your MIL sounds like very hard work and you have my sympathy.

I don't think you have to back down over everything, and your DH needs to be the one who deals with his mum's issues eg he didn't want the things either but left you to say it, with other things like that he needs to take the lead. Ignore the advice (I've already been told oh a few drinks won't hurt, I drank in my pregnancy, when I asked for a soft drink, for example) and seeing them once a week is fine, just try and not let her get to you. I really don't think your DH is trying to take DD and when she's older him taking her to his parents for a few hours will actually be a good plan, and will give you a few hours to do what you want, she's just too young and EBF at the moment.

Your baby is small, you're tired, it's good you're taking a step back and looking at things more broadly. I hope you work things out with DH you need him to have your back at the moment especially.

You've just had a baby so emotions are running high.

MIL is so very out of order for calling your mum.

You are out of order and hurtful regarding the old baby toys.

Your DH is allowed to cry and be close to his mum, however he certainly isn't allowed to call you a cunt.

Call the MIL, have a chat with DH.....enjoy this time with your new baby.

It's all escalated very quickly. Emotions are probably running high because everyone's so sleep deprived.

I agree with you re the heirlooms - nothing to do with yo. Why is everyone suggesting you should be bothered about his childhood items. Tell DH you don't care either way and anything his Mum wants to pass on is entirely up to him. Either he says 'yes' and deals with figuring out where to put it all in the house so it doesn't get in the way, or he tells her 'no'. Nothing to do with you at all.

And tell him to get the Just Eats app on his phone. From now on it's his job to order takeaway when his parents are around.

How is the OP out of order not accepting old mouldy dirty toys? She doesn't want them! She doesn't have to feel obliged to take stuff if she doesn't want it.

OP, YANBU and your DH was completely out of order calling you a cunt - that word is so disgusting.

Op is out of order in refusing the toys, as she has herself admitted, because they meant something to her MIL and it was unkind to be so dismissive of what obviously has sentimental value to MIL, if not to her. Plenty of wives do feel sentimental about souvenirs such as baby photos and first pair of shoes etc of their beloved. My MiL passed on Christening mugs when we had our first dc. It was unnecessarily rude. I inherited the school cap of my mother's brother who died of meningitis aged 7. It's not on permanent display but I couldn't say No or throw it away. It meant so much to my grandparents.

It may be generational, less relevant now when families are scattered all over the place and the state has replaced the support that families used to give each other, but families used to be closer to inlaws. It wasn't unusual for DM and DMiLto be in touch, meet for coffee etc, and have an independent relationship. In laws would expect to be invited to family weddings.

I don't think the current advice to use DH as a go-between with MiL is very helpful. It's a cop-out. You should be able to speak to her directly. And you're putting up a barrier, behaving as if she's not related to you, even by marriage. It's bound to put her back up. Much better to work on the relationship, as you would with any other, see her on your own, focus on her good points, instead of hiding behind DH, getting him to do the difficult stuff. It's really not very grown up behaviour.

When you marry, you presumably hope to stay married for ever. Your DH's family will be in your lives for a very long time. You'll save yourself a lot of problems if you make an effort at the beginning, for the sake of your DH and Dcs, his mother, their granny.

And, just a warning about hale and hearty 76 yr olds. That situation can change overnight, as it did with my father. Hale and hearty until he died in his sleep - at 76. The ave life expectancy for grannies is 82.

Thymeout
Hey could live for another 20 years!
Also why wasn’t ops husband worried about the heirlooms? Why weren’t they his responsibility?
Why should the op back down? Especially when she’s phoned ops mum to complain, then the husband has called them both cunts!

Sure they could live for another 20 yrs, in which case it's even more important to have a good relationship. But the chances are they won't. The ave age for death is 82 for women, less for men. And I can understand Op's DH feelings about being kind to them, giving them the benefit of the doubt. e.g. In MiL's day, grannies were expected to help out with new babies. No parental leave. She came every other day to leave room for the other granny. When she was asked not to, she backed off. DH has noticed Op niggling about her and playing with her phone when his parents visit. That's rude - and hurtful to DH.

Op wishes DH had someone else to talk to other than his parents. I think it would be better if Op saved her vents about MiL for her friends and tried to stay a bit neutral with her DM. Her role in this is not helpful. As I said upthread, Op wouldn't like it if DH was gossiping about her DM with his mother.

I guess MiL gave the heirlooms to Op, because she thought a woman and a new mother would appreciate them more, and she's treating her DiL like a daughter. Including her into the family.

Yes, I get that Op finds her annoying. She's got one mother and doesn't want another one. But try to be a bit more understanding. It will pay dividends in the future.

@Thymeout just to be clear, the I was only on my phone because I was ordering food. It was taking a while because everyone was talking and I couldn't concentrate on all the orders. Mil at one point asked me a question while dd was crying and I didn't hear her. I think that's what made her say I was on the phone.

Her version of visiting involves non stop chatter . I'm an introvert and small talk really isn't my thing but I made a huge effort for DH because he said his mum doesn't have any female friends and can I take her out so she's not alone when DH and FiL go to football together

Unfortunately those occasions out have shown me that her gossiping nature is the reason she doesn't have any female friends or friends at all for that matter

Anyway, I've taken on board the rational advice given and I reached out to DH to repair the damage. DH has not told his parents what happened he only told them we argued but not what about. His parents are coming at the weekend and I'll be civil and polite to them as I always have been

Thanks for not being offended. I had some awkward times with my MiL at first and I'm sure I was too opinionated at times. Now she's gone, I really miss her. I'm a MiL myself and I know I get things wrong, sometimes. One size doesn't fit all. Both sides have to be a bit forgiving. It's a tricky relationship, especially if there are 2 grannies on the scene or a DD and a DiL. My SiL has 4 sons and 4 DiLs. I really feel for her!

Sorry but I wouldn't have apologised for not taking heirlooms. If they are not like a cot or something you can use.
If your struggling to communicate with his mum then you definitely did the best thing for yous by only having visits when your dh is there.
You need to have a frank conversation with your husband about language and how he thinks he would like it if in the future your daughter was spoken to like that after just having had a baby.
You shouldn't feel bad for wanting privacy to feed your baby either, I didn't bf but if i wanted to feed my baby alone I would go to the bedroom as well.
You said you had a bit of baby blues, don't feel like you need to gloss over things.
His mum should not have called your mum - you should call her up on it- I would.

It's good that you and your husband have managed to make peace but I'm interested to know if he has apologised for his behaviour, if he understands what went wrong and how he's going to organise dividing his loyalties in the future.

I think SharpLily made a good point about the other DiL's; I wonder if, when you discreetly compared notes with them, you'd find that the heirlooms were still available for passing on was because there have been three earlier occasions when the response has been "Thanks but no thanks".
My friend's MIL was most upset that she did not want the straw-stuffed mattress slept on by her DH, then "stored" in the loft for 30-odd years. Fortunately her DH headed that one off on hygienic grounds. In MIL's imagination, it had not been affected by the passage of time. (See Mary McCarthy's "Memoirs of a Catholic Girlhood", where the wealthy grandparents saw themselves as the souls of generosity because they still perceived gifts of clothing as remaining in their pristine state, not as they became when worn by real living, growing children)
You have spotted a pattern for yourself about her lack of other friends, but this is a whole other issue; you did not incubate a DGD to sort her social life out!
But you can't put this to your DH all in one onslaught; this has been brewing for over 40 years. That doesn't mean you should apologise for what you said; possibly for being so blunt and blaming hormones, if you want to be the better person (but never a doormat!)
Maybe suggest that he talks to his brothers; who knows, she may have reacted this strongly because it's the fourth time a DIL has stood her ground.

Has your DH apologised for what he said/ called you?

I am worried that ......... he'll have no one when they inevitably die

OP they aren't going to die any time soon. Don't let this be part of your thinking at all. If your marriage breaks up, you won't be condemning him to a lonely life with no wife and no parents . Don't beat yourself up over something that very likely would never happen.

Has he apologised at all for his language? I really can’t imagine this not being a huge issue in our marriage, and not something I could get past on my own, if at all.

He only said he shouldn't have said what he said but not an actual apology. I'd rather let everything settle and then we can have a rational conversation

I hate using my energy fighting and being angry so I've just capitulated
I should clarify that one of the heirlooms has been used by all the other grandkids. It turns out that she's lovingly cleaned the teddy so both items were in pristine condition. My mum said she doesn't understand why I'm the only DIL to turn down the heirloom . And I confess I turned it down because I wanted to buy stuff that I liked. At nearly 40 I've waited a long time to have a child and I had very set ideas about what I wanted to buy. My family have only given me stuff I've asked for. I know this in itself makes me seem controlling but I'm not. It was just on this issue that I wanted to mange everything between just me and DH, hence me asking him if he cared and he said no

Well I don't understand why you are the one who turned them down? Surely all this is up to your DH? If he really wanted the family stuff, he should have said. I don't really even get why you were asked if he wasn't?

You need strategies to keep her at an emotional distance and not give her amunition. So smile, accept unwanted gifts then bin. Have scheduled regular visits with an end time given beforehand, so you know how long you have to make nice for (for example, lunch then 'we need to go out at 3 to see friends' ). Tell your DM not to answer her calls/texts if she's only ringing to stir. If she doesn't get a reaction there's no fuel to the fire. (& you have satisfaction of knowing she's not winning & you're managing her toxicness).

I'm the only DIL to turn down the heirloom

Why is it all down to the DILs? Surely it's up to her children if they want to keep their old toys?

When did 'sort out what to do with old possessions' become wifework?

Well done OP. It might be a good idea to set some ground rules with DH with regards to his parents so things don't turn into an argument in the heat of the moment. e.g. you see his mum X times a week, yu don't tell her personal stuff, he asks her not to contact your mum with parenting advice (or you could ask your mum not to engage).

This isn’t about old toys. This is about control. You’ve drawn your lines in the sand, and it hasn’t gone down well. Keep being calm, don’t capitulate to every demand, and just keep on trucking.

Wonkypalm It was only after they'd been told not to visit more frequently that it was cut down to once a week I think. I really don't understand this obsession with GC and demanding visiting rights. Perhaps they don't have enough in their own lives? My DM was working when my DCs were born and visited when asked. She had a hugely busy life with her own friends outside work.

Perhaps OP could sit down and write a brief letter to her DH outlining the problems she sees. And leave it for him to read.

So your dp called you a cunt- but your problem is your MIL giving you an immaculately clean pristine teddy bear that your baby's father and all subsequent family babies had played with, and which could have just sat on the bookshelf in the baby's room? Right. I think you might need to rethink your priorities.