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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure to BF from DH

79 replies

coffeeforone · 23/09/2018 16:52

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with DS2.

With DS1 I had a really hard time establishing breastfeeding, hated every second and gave up after 6 weeks for my own sanity. As soon as I switched I was so much happier and I never looked back. My only regret was not stopping earlier and the main reason I didn't was the immense pressure from HCPs and my DH to continue.

Throughout this pregnancy DH and I have agreed that we will give BF a quick shot, but at the first sign of trouble or if I'm not happy we can switch to formula, even if it's in the first few days.

However, I was just showing DH the contents of my hospital and he is shocked that I've packed a formula starter pack. He now says that he think I should breastfeed DS2 for 6 weeks like we did with DS1, to 'keep it fair'. He thinks we should remove the formula as it will be 'too tempting'. AIBU to refuse to take out the starter pack from the hospital bag?

OP posts:
Minxmumma · 23/09/2018 18:30

Your body your choice. I took a starter pack when I had dd as advised by the midwife. Used one bottle when she was about 2 weeks old and I needed some sleep so DH fed her.

Nothing wrong with having a fall back plan. Every baby is different xx

StatisticallyChallenged · 23/09/2018 18:31

By the sounds of it the OP had a really hard time of it before - she felt it affected her mental health.

Postnatal mental health issues can be incredibly serious.

Is it really "best" for baby for mum to be pushed in to breastfeeding against her will? What if she develops severe PND as a result? Is a mother who might, say, struggle with attachment to her baby still "best" so long as baby is getting breastmilk?

Her DH can get stuffed with pushing her in to anything as it is her body, and only her body, which has to do the work. Ditto him having any say on how she labours/delivers, what drugs she uses and so on. Her body, her choice.

Treacletoots · 23/09/2018 18:33

What @aperolspritzplease said so succinctly

You do whatever feels right for you. Until he can lactate and feed the baby he can feck off as far as I'm concerned

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2018 18:35

Until he can carry, give birth and feed a baby himself, he has no say. Ultimately the buck stops with you, if feeding is causing you problems, than there is a perfectly fine alternative.

MrMeSeeks · 23/09/2018 18:39

Good, you do what’s good for you op.
In a few years nobody will know which of your lids were bf!

MrMeSeeks · 23/09/2018 18:39

Kids*

LucieMorningstar · 23/09/2018 19:09

This stood out for me:

Throughout this pregnancy DH and I have agreed that we will give BF a quick shot

Op, they’re your boobs and if you don’t want to continue for 6 weeks, that is your choice.

Keep the starter pack in your bag and tell your husband it’s not up for discussion.

PumpkinPie2016 · 23/09/2018 19:20

You do whatever you feel you want to do OP - your body, your choice.

My son is at school now and honestly, looking at the children, I can say that you absolutely cannot tell who was and wasn't breastfed!

My son wasn't bf at all - I had nice feelings before birth and then the birth was really awful for me so I didn't bother. He is (and always has been) very happy, bright and very healthy. It hasn't made a blind bit of difference that he wasn't bf.

Lethaldrizzle · 23/09/2018 19:28

Of course you can't tell at school which kids were breastfed and which kids weren't. Altbough there are sr6udies that link formula feeding to weight issues later in life.

Lethaldrizzle · 23/09/2018 19:28

*studies

juliecorrigan · 23/09/2018 19:35

It's your choice. However, I would give it a go for a little while for the colostrum if nothing else. With my first, I did a bit of both. If it gives you a break to allow some formula feeds, it might help. Best o both? There's probably some finding that says this isn't a good idea....but you could at least give some variations a try? Good luck.

happymummy12345 · 23/09/2018 19:36

The only person who should be making this decision is you and you alone. You should not be or feel pressured by health care professionals or your husband.
What you do is completely up to you. You need to do what is best for you, regardless of what anyone else says does or thinks.
I never even wanted to try breastfeeding at all, so I didn't. My husband was completely supportive. Some hcp judged me, thankfully others- the midwife and and student midwife in the birth centre when I gave birth, the community midwives who came round after the birth, and the lovely health visitor were extremely supportive of my decision and never once tried to pressure me or judge me. I've never regretted my decision at all, and I will not be breastfeeding any children I have in the future.

Purpleartichoke · 23/09/2018 20:00

Ultimately, you get to make the decision here, but your spouse also has the right to be angry you are setting up to fail.

Hatstand · 23/09/2018 20:13

your spouse also has the right to be angry
No. No, no and no. Your spouse has no right whatsoever to be angry.

coconutpie · 23/09/2018 20:15

The reason for having a hard time establishing breastfeeding is usually due to a lack of proper bf support. Why don't you try again but this time have a lactation consultant visit you at home to help establish bf? Get in touch with one now to have them lined up for when you need them. While you're in the hospital, ask to see the hospital's lactation consultant. Best of luck!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/09/2018 20:19

It could be tempting to use. But it could give you the confidence to try it knowing that there is a fall back option and your baby won't starve if they fail to latch etc and make you more relaxed. You've said you'll try so I'm not sure what else he wants. Two babies are never the same so it might be loads harder than last time or might be loads easier. It's unrealistic of him to think it will be exactly the same

polkadotpixie · 23/09/2018 20:24

your spouse also has the right to be angry

No he doesn't! They are not his breasts and it's not his decision. He can express his preference but he doesn't get to be a dick about it!

My husband also wanted me to BF but respected my decision to FF and was also supportive when I decided to try and BF after all because he knows that ultimately it's my decision

WineGummyBear · 23/09/2018 20:24

OP in the circumstances you have described, whatever is best for your mental health and your wellbeing is best for your baby.

Taking the starter pack seems like a really sensible way to keep the pressure off.

As for the 'making it equal' nonsense. Ain't nothing gonna make life equal for two siblings.

polkadotpixie · 23/09/2018 20:24

Bold fail 😩

BumpInTheOven · 23/09/2018 20:56

@coffeeforone
Have you thought about a 3rd option?
I exclusively express, and it works for me.. 13 weeks and still going strong. I love this option as it gives me a break.. eg DP/MIL etc can feed her? And I know exactly how much she is taking x

0lgaDaPolga · 23/09/2018 21:03

100% your choice. Ignore sanctimonious posters on here.
What is best for your baby is a happy and healthy mum. If you want to give bf a go then great but I don’t see how having formula in the bag would be a temptation as they have formula in hospital if you need it. I didn’t know that with my last baby and had to use hospital formula as I had no colostrum after a difficult birth. I’ll definitely be packing a starter pack this time.

StripySocksAlways · 23/09/2018 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallisers · 23/09/2018 21:25

100 percent your choice. Your mental health is way more important. Like others though, I suggest you keep an open mind as it might be different this time. If it is the same - no guilt at all.

I gave up after 6 weeks with my second one because it was so awful I was dreading feeding her - I was so so happy once I made the decision. My first was fine and my third was fine so fed them for longer.

Jimdandy · 23/09/2018 21:56

Your body, your choice. End of.

GreenMeerkat · 23/09/2018 22:52

Ultimately, you get to make the decision here, but your spouse also has the right to be angry you are setting up to fail.

ODFOD!!

Aside from agreeing that it's OP's decision I have never seen so much bullshit in one sentence.

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