Pressure to BF from DH

[coffeeforone]

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with DS2.

With DS1 I had a really hard time establishing breastfeeding, hated every second and gave up after 6 weeks for my own sanity. As soon as I switched I was so much happier and I never looked back. My only regret was not stopping earlier and the main reason I didn't was the immense pressure from HCPs and my DH to continue.

Throughout this pregnancy DH and I have agreed that we will give BF a quick shot, but at the first sign of trouble or if I'm not happy we can switch to formula, even if it's in the first few days.

However, I was just showing DH the contents of my hospital and he is shocked that I've packed a formula starter pack. He now says that he think I should breastfeed DS2 for 6 weeks like we did with DS1, to 'keep it fair'. He thinks we should remove the formula as it will be 'too tempting'. AIBU to refuse to take out the starter pack from the hospital bag?

Ignore him, they are your breasts. FWIW I couldn't breastfeed DS1 because he refused, so he was exclusively fed expressed milk for six weeks until I started to lose my mind with expressing. With DS2 I will freely admit I felt like you - I would give it a go but was open to formula feeding and wasn't willing to go through the stress of expressing a second time while I also had a toddler. I took formula into hospital as well. Dh supported my decision but if he hadn't it wouldn't have made any difference. What's best for your baby is also about what's best for your own mental health.

Can you put it him that having the formula there will have the opposite effect?
As in it takes the pressure of you and of you are more relaxed, bf might go better?

I didn't have any in the hospital bag, but had some at home. Knowing it was in the cupboard did not make it too 'tempting' but was the reassurance I needed that baby could be fed if things were not working out.

As it was we did ok, and after a few months I passed it on to a friend

You with your new baby are a different partnership to you with your first baby. It might be completely different this time, or you might have problems again. You’re planning to try for a few days and see how it goes so baby gets colostrum. I’d agree with those who say a happy mum and a fed baby is the most important thing, over how that feeding happens. Ex midwife x

Also 'fairness' is a ridiculous reason. My DS1 was an only child for 20 months until DS2 came along, he also got two lots of maternity leave with me at home, whilst DS2 only got one. DS2 has had everything as hand me downs as well. There is loads that is 'unfair' when you have more than one child, it's not worth holding your boobs to ransom over it.

Six weeks to ‘keep it fair’
Sorry but he sounds like a right twat

I'd be telling him to get to fuck, personally. It's your body and your choice and you have to go with what makes you most comfortable.

Well it's not going to be fair on ds1 if ds2 has a happier mummy, so yes, do breastfeed for 6 weeks and make yourself miserable.

Or so your dh appears to think.

Your boobs your business.

If your baby gets colostrum then great, but if you're happier not breastfeeding then don't - the misery and stress is not worth it, if breastfeeding isn't for you. And I say that as someone who's very much in favour of bfing and who has previously been called part of the breastapo!

I would tell that when he grows breasts and produces milk he can have a say on breastfeeding until then but out as it is your decision.

Thanks all. We've just been chatting and he has backed down after I reminded him of some of the awful rows we had in those first few weeks with DS1, and how broken I was.

Starter pack is staying put, though I do intend to feed at least colostrum I want the back up there.

My bags are always overflowing with 'just in case' stuff 😂

I'd still try breastfeeding for a few days, it could be a totally different experience this time.

But take the formula if it makes you happy to have the back up there just in case. (they do usually have formula at the hospital too)

I know this sounds harsh but unless he is the one whipping out his bongos and having a baby chomp at your sore nipples and waking up in wet patches while feeling like your carrying two water melons then I don't think he really has a say.
Do what you feel comfortable with and what you want to do hunni. The more stress you or he creates about this then the worse you are going to feel. I felt awful when stopping breast feeding my son at 8 week as I felt like a failure, but I just couldn't go on anymore as he fed constantly. With my daughter I went straight to formula with no guilt. Xx

I found my second child was a much better feeder than the first which made it a lot easier. It should be your choice how you feed, not your husbands though.

You should do whatever you are comfortable with - happy mum = happy baby

Tell him to fuck off

Whaat op, its up to you, if he was the one doing the feeding he would have a point.

No tits, no opinion.

It's 100% up to you. I think having the starter pack with you might take the stress off you a bit - you'll know that you are equipped to feed your baby if it looks like BF isn't going to work for you.

And I'm someone who BF both my DDs for 13 months because I was lucky enough to find it easy. BF has to be your choice.

He now says that he think I should breastfeed DS2 for 6 weeks like we did with DS1, to 'keep it fair'.

We didn't do anything! You did.

Your breasts, your choice.

Whichever way you do it you are going to feed your baby milk. That's all that matters.

You don't need the stress of worrying about feeding just before you have to go through labour and birth.

Tell him that when he gives birth, he gets to decide how he feeds the baby.

I reminded him of some of the awful rows we had in those first few weeks with DS1, and how broken I was.

Rows? Why? Because you struggled with feeding??

Remove them then force him out to buy some at the first sign of trouble. What a knob.

As PP have said, it’s up to you.

I had very similar with my first (6 years ago) and it made me feel shit. She wouldn’t latch on, HV pushed me to carry on and I tried but it made me feel awful.

We now have a 5 week old and packed a starter pack just in case as I didn’t want the pressure that I had with my first. Best thing I did as he wouldn’t latch on either. HV and midwives were a lot more helpful this time and I had 3 different midwives come round in an attempt to help but it wasn’t happening.

I refused to let myself get as low as I did with my first and hated seeing baby getting so frustrated. I’m so glad I had the starter pack to fall back on.

I don’t think it’s the ‘easier choice’ or ‘too tempting’ I think it’s a smart move considering what you have experienced with your first.

Happy mum = happy baby and vice versa

I'd tell him to get to fuck.

I agree with your dh. He just wants what's best for his baby that he helped make.

Oh dear, so all those non breastfed babies were made by parents who don't want the best for them? Bore off.

Sorry i thought that was the standard government line