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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving in with partner

85 replies

Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 14:04

Hi there

Within the foreseeable future the partner wants to move in together but doesn't want to do a joint mortgage application, and would rather they be the only party registering for the mortgage and home ownership, however has said that I could contribute to the utility bills

Now hypothetically speaking, if things broke down I wouldn't have a leg to stand on financially?

I do want us to both live together eventually but not sure this is the right way to go about it?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 14:22

I'll probably just get my own place, I've got the money to.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 23/09/2018 14:23

If you've got the money too and he refuses to do things together then I agree with you, I'd just get my own place.

Emma765 · 23/09/2018 14:24

If that's their insistence, then you could put anything you would have spent on rent in to another account so you have a good amount saved up. Only thing is, if the property increases in value they would benefit and they've denied you the chance to.

Still, I wouldn't want to move in with someone if they didn't trust we'd stay together. What's the point?

Original poster
Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 14:29

Once the house hunt commences, I'll try and get more details, if it can't be done jointly then I just don't know anymore...

OP posts:
MyHusbandSaysIHave1000MNNames · 23/09/2018 14:30

If you're not expected to pay towards a down payment, mortgage, deposit, or rent etc and split other bills 50/50, then I'd say it's fine forgot to be in their name only because you won't be any worse off if the relationship ends.

If they expect contributions towards those things (other than normal bills) though then absolutely not.

You shouldn't be punished for what his previous partner did to him.

MyHusbandSaysIHave1000MNNames · 23/09/2018 14:30

*for it...not forget

Original poster
Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 14:32

50/50 on bills sounds fair at a push I guess.

OP posts:
hoppipopla · 23/09/2018 14:39

You say you've got the money to buy a property in your own right, is your partner expecting you to contribute that money to the property they want to purchase in their name?

Original poster
Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 14:47

Not that I'm aware of. I wouldn't anyway if I can't put pen to paper.

OP posts:
TwllBach · 23/09/2018 14:47

I moved in with DP a few years ago. He owned the house prior to meeting me. Our circumstances were different in that I was pregnant when I moved in and have since been on maternity leave, sick leave and then gave up my career for a inconsequential pointless little part time job in order to stay at home for the most part with DS until he goes to school. DP won't take a penny towards his mortgage and I pay around half of the bills.

I am comfortable with this. I don't feel like I am losing anything financially at all. We have had the 'what if we buy another house' conversation though, and have come to the conclusion that if we ever buy a house together, the deposit would come from DP (unless something changes drastically for me) but both our names would be on the mortgage. Should we split, DP's contribution in terms of mortgage would be protected.

If I were you, though, I would buy my own house if you really do have that option. That way you could perhaps rent it out, gain a small income from it and still have a bolt hole!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 14:47

Bills should be paid proportionally according to income; not merely a 50-50 split. "Nice" of him also not to suggest that you can pay for the utility bills. This is patently a man who does not want to share.

You have no rights if you are not on the mortgage or title deeds and he could as well all too easily chuck you out of his home, you would have no legal recourse here. Do not let your own lack of legal and financial knowledge here prevent you from making good legal and financial choices. What he proposed initially was really bad news for you. Again this could be indicative of someone who does not want to share.

I would think long and hard before moving in with such a person at all mardybum because this could well come back and bite you hard on the arse. I would also be looking into drawing up a cohabitation agreement with a Solicitor beforehand. See if he agrees to this, he probably would not. His response would also tell you what he is really like.

Mrsharrison · 23/09/2018 14:48

I've seen a few women go along with this. On paper she has a good deal. So she's paying half the bills. Then she wants to decorate and furnish the place. He gives her free rein. So she dips into her own purse for the £100 toaster etc etc. She loves "their" home so much that she loves to clean and do the laundry. Man stands back and realises it's win win for him.

Op I think it's great you can buy your own place. I would question why he wants to live with you and how committed he is.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 14:49

So get your own place then. Seems silly to live together in such a setting because he can kick you out at a moment's notice.

JingsMahBucket · 23/09/2018 14:51

There are so many red flags here. I would break up with him if I were you. If he doesn't trust you enough to "let" you be on the mortgage then there is no real trust in the relationship.

Original poster
Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 14:53

I'd love to be able to question the trust, ideally without it starting any arguments.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 14:55

I'd love to be able to question the trust, ideally without it starting any arguments.

Then you have zero business moving in with this person. He's not ready for a relationship, tbh, he's visiting all his past issues on people who had nothing to do with what happened in his past. And if he can't even have an adult conversation about that, he's not worth being with at all, frankly.

DolceFarNiente · 23/09/2018 14:59

On the plus side, if you were to break up, you wouldn't be stuck owning a house together like my DH and his ex from his early twenties (impossible to sell). This means it's very unlikely that we can buy a house together because he woud be turned down for a second mortgage.

If it all went wrong you could walk away. If you only paid 50% of the bills, you could save what you'd ordinarily be paying in rent/mortgage every month and buy a lovely new place of your own. Clean break.

Of course, you'd need to discuss how much input you'd have in terms of decoration, furniture, etc. Another possibility is for you to buy a place and he could move in with you.

Or you could just rent together for a few years before taking the plunge?

ExFury · 23/09/2018 14:59

If you can’t talk to him about then don’t do it. If he can’t talk to you about finances and living together then he’s not ready to do it.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/09/2018 14:59

I'd love to be able to question the trust, ideally without it starting any arguments.

This isn't how healthy relationships work. Please do not move in with this man.

DolceFarNiente · 23/09/2018 15:01

If he doesn't trust you enough to "let" you be on the mortgage then there is no real trust in the relationship.

What's trust got to do with anything? They are not married - making financially sensible decisions just in case things go wrong is nothing to do with trust.

Oysterbabe · 23/09/2018 15:01

I don't think he sees a future with you. Pay half the bills, save the money you would have spent on rent so you can get your own place when it goes tits up.

Crunchymum · 23/09/2018 15:02

If you can't even discuss it OP, then it's really not a good idea (in any incantation. Even if he did agree to a joint mortgage, the fact he didn't initially want this and you felt unable to ask him why is not good)

0rlaith · 23/09/2018 15:04

If I lived in a rented flat and his was in an area as nice as mine, I MIGHT risk it for a year, to see how it worked living with him. I’d tell him that if it was to work in the long term he’d have to sell up or put me on the deeds and mortgage. Otherwise I’d move out and end it in 12 months .

I’d pay half the utility bills and council tax but not any insurances for his property.

I’d put all the money I saved on rent into a savings account.

I’d not pay a penny towards furniture, decoration or maintenance of his flat.

Remember you won’t have as many rights as a lodger as you won’t have a contract or your own room. He can kick you out without any notice.

However I’d be wary as I think it’s a red flag .

Motherbear26 · 23/09/2018 15:05

I’d be interested to know how long you have been together. If not long I think he is being sensible, if over 2 years I’d be concerned about how he sees the future. The biggest red flag is that you feel unable that bring up the topic.

Original poster
Mardybum18 · 23/09/2018 15:06

I'll at some point put the point across if we get a joint mortgage we can get a better property. If there is a stern reluctance then well...

OP posts: