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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My wedding and Brother-in-Law’s relationship

64 replies

ChorltonCreamery · 23/09/2018 10:07

I am a long time lurker.
My DP’s brother is lovely; he is kind, generous and incredibly funny but never really had a career. He either has a job that matches his qualifications and becomes overwhelmed or he has a dead end job. I would suspect he has mild anxiety. He refuses to fly. His partner is a bit long-suffering, not enjoying life as much as she could ( in spite of her good career)if there was a bit more money or if he flew.
I like her but rarely see her. If I see her with friends she just waves at me, I made an effort so the kids would be close but she wasn’t interested.
Well DP and BiL have had an unexpected inheritance and we are finally tying the knot.We were going to tell everyone over a meal.
Well I bumped into Sister-in-Law. She was transformed,happy, friendly and excited BiL was spending his inheritance on taking her on a cruise to the States.....our wedding right in the middle of this holiday!
My DP told his brother about the clash. Now both my DP and I would be devastated if they weren’t there but at NO point did he ask him to change his trip but he did! SiL has now kicked him out and the relationship is over.
How would you proceed? Do we say anything? Do I approach her? BiL is off work and MiL thinks he is having breakdown.
We feel beyond guilty. The date is so far in advance we didn’t think to ‘clear’ it with family.

OP posts:

Fireworks91 · 23/09/2018 15:55

Tbh it the BiL isn't covering himself in glory here.

EWAB · 23/09/2018 21:30

OP I hope you’re all right but there is nothing you can do. In real life ( not Mumsnet) siblings tend to get Plus Ones and Mothers-in-Law want their grandchildren at family weddings. All this without there being a toxic situation. As for sister’s mother-in-law bring there with grandchildren well your BiL was just being polite asking her to stay as kids were asleep. I can’t ever remember being asked if a wedding date suited me and my 3 siblings have had 5 weddings between them. It’s all a bit sad and no one is to blame. Totally get why the BiL wouldn’t miss his brother’s wedding and in reality the transatlantic cruise would have to be put off another year and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back for SiL. All a set of unfortunate circumstances that happen in real life and no one is to blame.

Original poster

ChorltonCreamery · 23/09/2018 21:41

Thank you everyone. I will not approach SiL but will say how sorry I am when I inevitably bump into her and tell her that we do feel guilty and wished we had discussed getting married openly before we booked venue. .. which is absolute truth.
My mother-in-law is lovely and in black and white her wanting me and grandchildren at family wedding is not inreasonable.
When inheritance came through my partner and BiL did discuss awkwardness of their other sibling not being as lucky( it was not their Godparent). It has now emerged that BiL wrote a cheque for this sibling ( who is already well off) and it was cashed and used for a holiday, of course This also deeply upset SiL. Thank you for your support.

OP posts:

Akanamali · 23/09/2018 21:58

My mother-in-law is lovely and in black and white her wanting me and grandchildren at family wedding is not inreasonable.

It is if he bride has been told she can't invite her cousins

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 22:05

OP I am confused in a post you said she got married a few months after you met your DP so in effect you were a new partner - where are the grandchildren

Stop for a moment and really read your posts then read what a lot of people are taking from your post and see then what you think of your BIL and the fact that having not supported his wife ever he gave moment to a well off sibling who used it for a holiday.

Your BIL is an abusive twat

itswinetime · 23/09/2018 22:06

My mother-in-law is lovely and in black and white her wanting me and grandchildren at family wedding is not inreasonable.

To you. Your mil is lovely to you! she was horrible to your SiL spoiling her wedding by insisting on having who she wanted there not worrying about your SiL at all and I'm betting that's the tip of the iceberg.

Your BiL giving away money everyone making ultimatums of her! Your wedding isn't the reason she left but I hope she stays away for her sake.

Original poster

ChorltonCreamery · 23/09/2018 22:11

The grandchildren belonged to another sibling not me!

OP posts:

magoria · 23/09/2018 22:34

You were a girlfriend of a couple of months. A month later you and your DP could have been over. SIL was not unreasonable not to want you there.

MIL and BIL insisted that a virtual stranger was there when they couldn't afford to have (her) family she wanted there. SIL was shown right there and then how her and her family were considered.

That is not lovely that is bloody unreasonable of MIL. It wasn't her wedding. You are only lucky that it is you she wants to do stuff for not take from/overrule.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 23/09/2018 23:10

Yep the MIL is a delight and I look forward to you being one with your DC and see how your DC partners will feel if you start dictating who is coming to their wedding! Leave the poor woman alone, your not her friend and she has had enough of her DH. It’s funny that he gets some inheritance and hands some of that away too.... bet that wasn’t discussed either

Jlynhope · 24/09/2018 01:01

I have to disagree. Having you at the wedding was completely unreasonable given she wasn't allowed to invite actual family members.

SalemBlackCat · 24/09/2018 12:18

So you are not going to make any effort to get BIL to keep the cruise?

SassitudeandSparkle · 24/09/2018 12:27

Team SIL here too, your BIL doesn't ever appear to put his own wife and family first.

TooYoungToBeSoTired · 24/09/2018 12:43

Do not attempt to move wedding date to accommodate others (except parents). Having gone through a wedding myself, this is the start of many many compromises people will ask for and people just get more demanding as you get closer to the date. You can’t accommodate everyone but it’s your day, your money, and BIL’s choice whether he comes or not.

Their relationship has a lot of problems, your BIL sounds like a twat. SIL is always in support role and she’s had enough. The cruise thing probably just started another massive fight. I left my marriage because my ex criticized me for not making the bed for the 3rd day in a row. That one comment started world war 3 that night and we ended it. It’s not your fault, you have nothing to do with it.

Quartz2208 · 24/09/2018 12:45

Not only does your BIL not put his wife and kids first the rest of his family seem to expect her to look after him

Answer honestly how quickly after you found out did your DP tell his brother about clash and what did you think he would do. Because it seems clear to me this was always going to happen and she has had enough

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